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Conversation with SD Mini Wife

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi! 
 

Has anyone here ever had conversation with their SO's mini wife themselves without their SO? If so, what did you say and how did it go?

Mine is 12 and will be 13 in April.

Do the mini wife issues go away after they start their menstrual period?  I know it did with 14 year old step daughter when she got hers and the 12 year old mini wife is about to get hers. Does it change? 

Look forward to your thoughts! 
 

 

Kes's picture

I think this is wishful thinking, I'm afraid.  Menstruation does not change girls' personalities.  If something changed with the 14 yr old, it was probably a coincidence her period started at the same time.  If she is a mini wife now, she will likely go on being one until she is at least 54.  

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Not staying. They came to visit for a week and I'm grateful as I needed the help during surgery recovery. They leave tonight and I'm fine with it. We talked about marriage counseling. I just don't know if t's worth it. Was just curious to know if I had a conversation if it would it change. 
 

We prob won't be together much longer. I needed some time to get out of the funk that I was in. 
 

My eyes are open but this is really hard. 
 

I think I would feel better having exhausted all possible options. So just curious. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Not staying. They came to visit for a week and I'm grateful as I needed the help during surgery recovery. They leave tonight and I'm fine with it. We talked about marriage counseling. I just don't know if t's worth it. Was just curious to know if I had a conversation if it would it change. 
 

We prob won't be together much longer. I needed some time to get out of the funk that I was in. 
 

My eyes are open but this is really hard. 
 

I think I would feel better having exhausted all possible options. So just curious. 

Thisisnotus's picture

 

There are 2 mini wives here....SD16 didn’t become a mini wife until she got a boyfriend which I found odd.

SD12 has become a mini wife over the last year and it gets worse by the day....I see no end in sight

i would never have a conversation with Dh about it because it would do no good and he’d think I was crazy because he doesn’t see it. I have only brought up ONE thing I disagree with involving his kids and it was not well received at all....so never again.

Cactiandsucculents's picture

I have the same issue with SD, and the mini wife syndrome came on when she got a boyfriend too... weird.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yah so I walk into the our bedroom and she is next to him laying on the bed and laying on his chest. You know something I would normally do. It's all super messed up. She's 12 and about to start her period and she's laying on OUR bed with her head on his chest?!?! How does he not see something wrong there? 

Thisisnotus's picture

Same girl same!!! As I type SD12 is on the couch sitting sideways facing him literally so close she is breathing on his neck.....

she does this new thing now if we are out somewhere like the mall....she positions herself as close to him as possible and puts one hand on the stroller and holds on for dear life (dh usually pushes the baby) so that I end up walking behind them.....haha . We let the other kids walk around the mall alone....she wouldn’t dare join them.

shamds's picture

while he is pushing our 2 toddlers in the stroller so i am renegaded to walking behind them like a maid.

anyways i refused to walk behind them and walked side by side with hubby, they promptly walked behind reluctantly but did start walking behind. They did continually try again and act like mini mummies all the time but i put my foot down and refused to be around them till hubby grows a friggin pair of balls and firmly puts them in their place. The grovelling to hubby “ohhhhh daaaadddddeeeee” is so pathetically manipulative

sandye21's picture

Please don't bother to have a conversation with the mini-wife.  In fact, from what I've read on this site, and personal experience, it is probably best to only have conversations with her when DH is around.  SD put on a fake sweet persona when around DH but when she was alone with me she was an abuse, rude b*tch.  Another thing that can happen is SD can give DH HER version of the conversation.  This is really a boundary issue with DH, and he should be responsible for stopping it..  Lying in bed with an adolescent daughter is NOT appropriate behavior for a Father. 

It is definitely not appropriate behavior for a Husband.  DH is blatantly disregarding your role as his wife and, as Rags says, "Equity life partner".  My SD was a mini-wife - emotionally - but if I had personally witnessed him in bed with her after the age of 12, he would have been history.

Since your DH is treating you as if nothing is wrong with what he is doing, tell him you are going to call Child Protective Services and ask them at what age should a daughter not be sharing the bed with her Father. 

Here's an interesting article about it:  https://www.professorshouse.com/when-are-kids-too-old-to-sleep-with-mom-...   

'In March of 2007, the New York Times published a research article on this very subject. The article believes that an older child sleeping with parents does not do enough to maintain a healthy separation between adults and children. And obviously, a 10 year old in the bed is quite a hindrance to martial intimacy. In the study, it suggested that children sleeping with parents can be responsible for destroying a marriage and even confusing children about their sexual identity.'

 

hereiam's picture

True mini wives do not create themselves, the fathers are the ones who put them in or allow them to take that position.

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yah so it'll never end its so gross to me.

 

 So not one person here has had a discussion with the mini wife? 

Thisisnotus's picture

I totally agree but most wont....because of that good old guilt.

i can tell that SD12 annoys the shit out of DH but he’d never dare say anything and hurt her feeling in fear she wouldn’t want to come over. Maybe it’s coming though because I see his patience running thin. He actually used the word NO this weekend and told her to leave the kitchen area....I’m still in shock.....he was in the middle of making dinner and had a lot of moving parts to make it and she’s been standing there behind his every move demanding he make her waffles.....probably 15 times....the baby is screaming and I’m making some dinner sides by the toaster....he says to her NO....you can eat what I’m cooking....go sit down in the living room!!!! He was angry haha 

he made her waffles about 30 min later haha 

shamds's picture

Its like between upsetting the wife or kids i’kl Upset the wife. Until i told him to get his shit together and be responsible for his eff up with his kids. That he shouldn’t have remarried if he treats me like i’m expenda And not his wife while his lazy arse adult son sits at home in his room leaving trash on kitchen floor because its too inconvenient for him to empty the trash.

it took hubby 1.5 yrs to lose it one day, he came home from work at 10pm exhausted from a shitty day at work and i was with a baby busy all day and managed to do laundry and dinner and ss couldn’t clean the litter or empty the trash because hubby didn’t tell him to. Hubby told him off why are you so lazy, can’t you see stuff needs to be done and you just ignore it. Ss’s resonse was just to mmmmmm

after that hubby told him everyday he is here he cleans the kitty litter and empties the trash. The next day every 10-15 mins from hubby arriving at work at 7.40am he messaged ss20 “have you emptied the trash yet” and this went on till about 2.30pm where ss had gotten about 30 messages of “have you emptied the trash yet?” Before ss replied yes. He could have avoided that by answering the message immediately.

hubby asked him to vacuum all of downstairs too, something that takes me barely 5 mins but ss almost an hour. Ss replies yes he vacuumed and he is off duty doing housework tomorrow to play computer games. I told hubby to grow a pair of balls and tell ss to suck it up, housework was a daily job and i’m not his little bitch maid like he says or thinks...

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Ok. Well I'm afraid to even bring it up. He is aware of what bothers me. Yesterday when we were all out after a movie she of course has to run up and walk right next to him and grab his arm and hold on to him tightly with her head leaning on him like she's holding on for dear life! Out in public! He looked Back, stopped and gave me his other arm. It still was weird him walking with his wife on and his 12 year old on the other holding on for dear life as if as if he was going to disappear into thin air. Then when we were at dinner of course she didn't like the fact that she had to sit across from him and kept reaching her hands over to rub his hands and put her hands on top of his hands on top of the table you know not overboard at all ha ha

 

If I bring this up to him now he's going to say it's because they only had two weeks with him and they were going home today so maybe she's already missing him etc. etc. and I get that that might be a thing however why doesn't he address it? Why doesn't he see that she is very emotionally immature and this is a problem?

 

The kids weren't even supposed to stay with us this week and like I said I tried it because of the holiday and I could've use the help because of my surgery so I went against my boundary and I did try but there's so many things that need addressed. I'm not going to bring it up today because I'm sure he's going to be sad that he had to let his kids fly back home To their mother who they are not very happy going home back to you. But I will bring it up tomorrow. Any suggestions on how to bring it up without him getting defensive or offended? Or do I even care?

shamds's picture

he needs to be reminded of the cold hearted non sugarcoated truth. This shit aint normal!!! He needs to know that!! How does this make you feel?? Tell him you are his wife/partner and he’s doing inappropriate things with his daughter at that age, no woman signs up to willingly be treated this way!!

you tell him this needs to change or you are out!!! This isn’t a healthy relationship to be in... it’ll only get worse till she is constantly in your bedroom and bed uninvited cuddling up to her dad like he is her lover and starts to seduce hubby. Read some of the extreme miniwife stories here of sd’s parading around the house half naked, hand on daddys upper thighs stroking it, practically  lap dancing him, even asking dad to hook her bra strap for going to the swimming pool because she apparently can’t do it and dads dumb enough to do this and allow it!!!

Fluff's picture

This happened a long time ago. I’d gone to make breakfast for my partner and came back upstairs her 25 yr old mini husband was curled up like a baby with only his underpants on and she was patting his back - well at that point I completely lost my filter and said as far as I can recall ‘what the eff is going on here? You do realize that this is super f*cked up don’t you? I’m out of here cos this sh*t really freaks me out’. Leaving the room saying quite loudly - f*ucking weirdos level of dysfunction even I don’t get.  I come from a very dysfunctional background but this did me in. Never happened again - and wasn’t even mentioned. If you don’t call it out for how effed up it is - they don’t get it. 

Rags's picture

I agree. It has to be confronted or it never ends.

I gagged a bit while reading your experience with your SS and his mother.

 

Bad

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Oh geez.

I put up with a lot of that crap for awhile and the stepkid was my wife's "mini wife". The walking behind, the being ignored when we're out. The outings always 100% being about the kid, whatever.

I stopped going. I told her what was happening, and that I wouldn't go out with her anymore if it continued. I am happy as happy can be sitting at home with my less than a year old DD while she does whatever with the skid.

Needless to say, it stopped, and the kid does what kids are supposed to do. Follow the parent, not be equal to them.

bananaseedo's picture

Here's my issue ....in an intact family the mother (woman) teaches her daughter proper boundaries with the dad/brother/uncles/grandfather as she gets older.  She tells her to cross her legs when sitting, put proper clothes on, when to stop sitting on laps, to come to HER for help w/the bras, etc...most men go on clueless to this 'behind the scenes' boundary setting that moms do.  I've seen even aunts/grandmothers call out the child of their gender and in doing so are teaching the girl.  

Enter divorce-the female matriarch of the family is no longer there to teach these things.  Dads go on clueless as always...so they don't know HOW to implement these boundaries.  Issues arise when a SM comes in the picture and realizes this is messed up.  IMO as the matriarch she has EVERY RIGHT to have these conversations with her SD to TEACH her proper boundaries with the men in her life.  Somehow it is frowned on, or said only dad can say something. I disagree.  Also, if your dh is not responsive/defensive or doesn't try to change things over time then you have a problem you will never cure.

We struggled a lot with this, from ages 9-14 was really bad...even a bit after but it got less and less.  He worked on things when I pointed them out, there are times I said something to just her or both of them..didn't hold my tongue.  She DID get better.  She is 18 now and lives w/her bf.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes!! Can you tell me what you told your DH and examples of what you would tell her? 

Rags's picture

Bravo!

Cerebral parenting works.  Regardless of the biology of the Skids in a blended family.

SParents are Parents.  The parental prefix is not what is important in the blended family.

Good for you. Both your SD and your DH are blessed that you stepped up.

Evil3's picture

No, I wouldn't have given my SD the satisfaction of knowing that she was driving me insane. She was a mini-wife for no other reason than to be number one and to get rid of me. If she knew she was getting to me, she would have been overjoyed and got even worse. It's up to the dad to implement boundaries.

It doesn't get better unless Dad works tirelessly to address it. My SD is 30 f*cking years old and is still a stage five clinger. She just returned from a trip to Mexico with her BF, but texted DH constantly. It's pathetic.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes, I think that the only reason she behaves this way is cause she’s jealous and wants to be the only one in the picture.  Because again, her parents were split when she was a baby.  I have been in her life as his significant other since she was a year and half years old.  She’s now going on 13 and it’s horrible.  I can’t stand her.  It doesn’t help that she is her mother’s mini me.  I’m just so over it.  He’ll never change that.  He likes the attention too much. And it’s worse now because he only see’s them here and there.  

He just said this morning how he wants to get a big house so that me, my daughter, her girlfriend, his daughters and his daughter’s older sister can all live together.  He said I want all of my girls with me.  UM, my daughter is 26 years old and living on her own and why and the hell did your daughter’s older sister get looped into the mix here? I’m so lost at his level of delusion.

I said no way in hell.  So I can get looped into being at the bottom of your list again in a house full of women where I’m not the queen there and not the one in charge. So that I have to walk on egg shells and not be able to speak my piece or say a word and so that I can watch him get manipulated and walked all over.  NO FUCKING THANK YOU!!  I said go ahead and get your place with your daughters who will be back and forth giving you the run around and controlling your every move.  

It’s a shame to see my husband who is so tough and strong with me and treats me like shit when I have something to say but have no balls when it comes to his children.  It’s so backwards to me!!

Have fun with that!!! I’m so effing done. 

I thought we would do marriage counseling but I think this is too far gone.  12 years down the drain. Even if he agreed to go it would take YEARS for him to realize and change.  I’m 45 and don’t want to waste the rest of my years on seeing if it’ll change and I truly can’t take one more day of his kid and her obsession with him and vice versa.  I’ve tried to help him.  I’ve sent him literature to read. I’ve tried to get him to see that it’s inappropriate and I’m trying to help but he goes straight on the defense and says he never wants to feel again that he has to watch how he behaves around his daughters.

I can’t lie that I’m broken to the core on all of this.  My spirit is broken.  I’m so mad at myself for thinking it would ever change and for allowing him to make me think that I was the problem.  I’m devasted.

 

bananaseedo's picture

I'm so very sorry...honestly his thoughts on the big house so all 'his girls' can live with him is downright CREEPY.  No wonder he wants no boundaries placed on how he interacts with his DD.  He won't change.  He has something fundamentally wrong with him. If he's not open to change, then he's telling you who he is-LISTEN to him.  

He is delusional, dysfunctional and WANTS her to act this way with him.  He will ONLY set boundaries with you-if you criticize his sick enmeshment. Make NO mistake this IS emotional incest. 

Of course you aren't the problem. I think you should cut your losses here, I know it's not easy.  

Siemprematahari's picture

This is all dysfunctional and you had me with "he wants all his girls living together". What type of twisted shit is that? You are 45 and still young enough with some good years ahead of you. Be done with this nonsense! You already know it's over and your H will NEVER change. Stop settling for crumbs and being last in his life. He has already made the choice of catering to his mini wife and you will never be placed priority if you continue to accept it.

Wishing you peace and the strength to do what is best for you.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

 

Thank you. Of course his words will be I just want to be a good husband and father and you won't let me. Then I'll be left wondering. Did I screw up? Cause what woman comes between a dad and his daughters? Right? 
 

He has so much guilt cause he's not with his kids but won't do anything to help that so he can make rational decisions. 

He just texted "Well I do want you to know that I do love you and I'm sorry for everything.  I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I'll give you your space"

 

While he's at the bar drinking. I don't even know what to tell him. I want to say some of what you said above. Or is that not a good idea? 
 

I'm crying so hard. I feel so broken. I feel like what if we did marriage counseling? But again I don't see that working. I'm sorry I feel so weak and pathetic. 
 

I appreciate this group more than you can ever know. Please don't leave me here through my crazy dysfunction. 

Endgame's picture

From reading your other thread...You are a nurturing homebody with a gift for creating a sanctuary at home. You are young, beautiful, loving & caring. Your self-esteem was not initially very high &, after years of abuse that is hard to identify, you feel worthless, in crisis & probably have PTSD. SO lovebombs you with romance & you are not comfortable telling your daughter or friends that he disrespects you, he has an alcohol problem, you have experienced domestic violence & you are scared to provoke him. You are the lease holder with a job, a nice, adult daughter & a lovely, new puppy...your future is shiny.

You are in a fishbowl. People on the outside can see clearly that you need to get all these fish out.. All you can see are bubbles.

When you are ready, my guide to leaving stephell & what's on the other side may help (was actually my 5 month update)
https://www.steptalk.org/blog/endgame/merry-christmas7-month-update-i-le...

Tell SO calmly "I would like you to move out by one week & your daughters can't stay as I want my family/ friend to stay with me/ help with rent. If he still tries to move his brats in tell him " I am on a knife's edge & anything can happen" & stare silently into the distance.

Don't worry if you have a few goes before you are free on your own. A stepfamily is more complex than a relationship or a nuclear family so the leaving is also complex

PS: No, never have a private conversation with a manipulative SD. ExSD19 secretly filmed me whilst abusing & baiting me

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

 

Hi:

So on Friday had a few drinks and I guess I went to a bad place. I got upset cause I saw a picture of my surgeon and said you know what? You never even met my surgeon. Cause you weren't involved. He said again I had to watch the dog. No he didn't. I told him to just do that cause it seemed like he really didn't wanna be there. So I said some means things. That if it was his daughters he would have been there. That he has all of these Facebook posts boasting how beautiful they are and how proud he is of them but has he ever done that for me? His wife who has been there! I said you tell them all of the time that they're beautiful on front of me but never the other way around. I told him to get the eff out is my life. I told him that I hate and resent him.   So yes I was drinking so that didn't help and I was mean and hurtful. I know he's been a jerk but I feel bad. 
 

So, I made a decision last week. That I want to move. I want to be closer to the city where my family and job is and where I grew up. I told him I wanted to do that last week when we got into the argument and he said he wants all his girls living with him. Anyway, so I found a place a really nice place that I know I'll be happy at. I didn't tell him until today after I signed the lease. I felt bad keeping secrets so I told him. 

I told him. He was super calm and said like that were him it would be over. I said well you said you were looking for you and girls so I did what’s best for me. I said what are you gonna do? He said he was gonna think about it.

Because I stupidly love him I said let's go to therapy. I said just show me that you will go to the first one. Otherwise it's not a good idea for you to move with me. 
He just flipped out said no it’s not a good time with everything else going on that now he has to train this week, has to find a place, I said you just said you were gonna think about it? He said well training and now have to think about it. He said I’ve (me) have done enough in January and to add counseling is not good time. That I'm interfering with the status quo. He said I’ve (me) have done enough. That it’s Sunday, why do we have to talk and why can’t we just rest? There has to be a time or rest. I said if you’re not over everything that you say I’ve done to ruin January and the mean things I said the other night why are you here? Why are you trying to kiss me? Why? He said yah why do you wanna move with me too? And slammed the door.

I said nothing I said ruined your relaxation today he said I’m causing anxiety for him
I said me asking about counseling isn’t anxiety inducing me asking you why you’re giving me mixed signals isn’t anxiety inducing. He said I give mixed signals.  I said all of my decisions have been clear and I’ve let you know he said yah ask what everyone else thinks about your clear decisions.I said I moved from our last home cause of our issues and because you pushed me! It was a quick move to what was available!  I said cause of you I moved quickly! Cause of you!!  I said tell everyone else that ok?! Instead of making me look like the bad one! 
 

From October until now yes things have been crazy, I had to move right away because of our issues and this is the first place available so this is where I move to. Then he came along even though I said I needed time. Then I had my surgery and got a puppy that I couldn't take care of Cause I went into a serious depression. Then I now am feeling better so I made the decision to move again to the area that I want to be in. Not him or his kids but ME! I know it's a lot but I've been in a brain fog and feel like I can think straight again somewhat. He makes me feel like I'm nuts and unstable. So I'm questioning if I am crazy? Did I make a mistake? I'm panicking and feeling bad right now. 
 

Please talk to me. 

sandye21's picture

You have not fully recuperated from your surgery and the residual effects of it.  You need to get away NOW - zero contact with DH or the skids - so you can heal properly.  You also need time to pull yourself together without having to paly games with DH.  If DH contacts you, tell him you need some time to yourself and that you are confident he will honor this, or you will get a restraining order on him.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Omg no, my SD is 10 starter her period which I thought was a bit young and it has gotten so worse ! My SD 10 even started matching clothes with DH and all the sudden likes the same foods and hobbies as DH . She always has to be touching DH or hugging him in some way! She butts in our convo and always comes in our room to lay with DH