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Contact with EX & SD9 only while I’m not around!?

warenb82's picture

It seems as if my SO only has contact with the EX & SD9 while I’m not present. He typically will reply or answer if it’s his weekend with the SD9 for the EX. I don’t find this normal. He says he does this because he knows how I will respond or he just don’t tell me for that reason when he talks to her. 

Last night I confronted him about having a discussion I wanted to be present for (I told him!) and it turned into a huge argument. I looked at phone record prior to saying something and there was an incoming call from EX phone for 5 minutes and then a call out for 6-7 minutes. So that just topped the cake for me. I couldn’t not say when he asked what was wrong! 

Needless to say the argument progressed and told me he couldn’t have a relationship with SD9 because of me. It crushed my heart! How he’s tired of living like this. It always seems like a fight when it comes to SD9. 

Little History: I only have contact with SD9 when he has her. I can’t have a typical relationship with her. The mom only needs help from SO. It’s like I’m secluded from everything. After being in this relationship 5 years I have yet to step foot in her school, attend any sport functions, doctor appts, take and drop her off (without SO!) etc 

 

 

 

 

Goodluck's picture

Just so you know...A relationship with your boyfriends daughter IS more likely than not, ONLY going to happen when she is with her dad. AND on dads time. AND when dad is present.

 

 

 

flmomma08's picture

I agree. I have been in SD's life for 9 years and we only speak/do things on dad's time. I don't do any pick ups, drop offs, doctors appointments, etc - that is the bio parent's job. As far as school or sports events, I don't see why you can't go along with dad. BM can't keep you from going to a public event. I can understand why she may not want you to be the one doing pick ups and doctor's appointments and such.

What is he discussing with BM that is such a big secret?

STaround's picture

I do think the parents should handle doctor and teacher appointments.  I don't see any reason why you cannot atten sports events with your SO, is there some reason his  DD does not want you there?   

warenb82's picture

I’m new here and accidentally commented in the thread versus reply. See below my response. Thanks for replying. I’m struggling in this relationship.

warenb82's picture

It’s the EX. I didn’t meet his daughter until 2 years into our relationship. I didn’t go with him for pick up and drop off until I had my daughter. I think that only happened when the EX brought a man first. Then it started to happen more. Me and the SD get along. It all stems from what her mother wants. And then my SO need to keep peace. He misses a lot due to work as well but when he can I feel as if he don’t because he don’t wanna listen to the EX when he brings me or listen to me for him not taking me. 

SteppedOut's picture

It's been FIVE YEARS. This is clearly not going to change. The only thing that YOU can change is how you think/feel about it. Or leave. 

If you stay, he will blame you for not being able to have the relationship that he wants with his daughter - he literally has said it already. 

You have some hard decisions to make. Learn to accept or leave. Those are the only 2 options you have at this point, imho. 

warenb82's picture

That’s the struggle. Now we have a two year old daughter in the mix of his disaster of an EX. And he’s to blame for the way she acts also due to him allowing it. 

STaround's picture

Do you have dinner as a family?  What else do you do as a family?    I think DAD should be handling doctor and teacher appointments on his time?  

warenb82's picture

She is involved when he has her. Example-Pottery and made pizzas last Friday when he had her. Her mom and her say he don’t spend time with her. It’s like everyday he’s off he should have her according to the EX. And 100% attention should be gave to her and only her. We have a two year old that only sees him just as much as she does. He works third and swing shift. 

 

I agree with doctor and school I was just using those as examples. 

STaround's picture

But I think you, SO and SD need to go family counseling.  To me, family counseling does not imply that any member needs help, but that the family is not functioning well.  Given that SO works a shift, I am not certain how many events he can attend, BUT on weekends, you should be able to do some family stuff and some time he can spend with SD.  Is he on a waitlist for day shift?  

warenb82's picture

I’ve mentioned counseling and he brushes it off. He does not communicate her reacts instead.

due to what happened last night he came in this morning laid on the couch until I got out of bed. Slept woke up and out the door. He spoke to our daughter before he left. No kiss or I love you. He’s called twice now from work wanting to speak to our daughter. Both times hung up after not saying a word to me other than asking to talk to our daughter .

yes he is hopefully going to first within months. However his shifts are 6a-6p

1wonder woman's picture

I have been dating my SO for almost 4 years now and we have been living together for 3 years and he has a daughter that is almost 12 so I can relate to your situation. Your SO's ex-wife sounds so much like what I have to deal with...my boyfriends ex-wife told him once that he was to suppose to give 100% of his attention to his daughter.  Excuse me when these two people were married trust me I bet you they did not give 100% of their time just to their kid... no life is about balance... especially when you are dating a divorced man that gets his kid on his only two days off... You and his kid have to share him with one another...just like your child must share her Daddy too. Just like I too have learned I have to share my man with his kid on his two days off every week... his daughter also knows now she must share her father with me too.

When you date someone divorced or not usually dating does lead to marriage eventually... and when you date someone that already has children you know sooner or later you all will become a blended family someday.  That is what divorced people do... they disengage with their ex and move forward with someone else and that person usually steps up and helps these two people raise their children. Now how in the World will that ever happen if your SO excludes you?  Sounds like to me either these two people are refusing to disengage and move forward with other people or your SO is allowing his ex-wife to call the shots... he is having a hard time telling her NO!! Him pleasing his ex-wife he should not be doing... no pleasing you is what he needs to be doing!  You two have been dating for 5 years now that's a long time... sorry but you should be right by your mans side where ever he goes with or without his kid.  You should be invited and included in everything and if you do not want to attend something well that decision should be left up to you to decide.  But your SO should be including you... 

Trust me in the beginning my boyfriends ex-wife tried to control him telling him it was too soon for him to start including me in things that pertained to their children. But I spoke up and I told my SO stop letting your ex-wife control you and manipulate. I told him your ex-wife no longer plays the role of being your wife she is your ex and she no longer should be telling you what to do. I do know this she and he both had a very hard time in the beginning stepping out of the roles that they use to play in each others lives. HE had a very hard time telling his ex NO or putting her in her place out of fear of upsetting her.  I told my SO you must disengage from you ex in order to move forward with your next love. Plus it is important that I bond with your children too... So thank goodness my SO listened to me... trust me his ex was so jealous of me... she hated seeing me and her daughter getting to know one another. She hated seeing me play a mother role in her daughters life... She would always say this does not pertain to you stay out of it... or she would say to me you are not her mother I am... Grrrr... it is hard dating a man that's been divorced with kids I know.  A year after dating my SO he started inviting me to everything... I have even taken the child to her doctor appointments without either one of her parents with me.  I go to everything volley ball games and dentist appointments... My SO invites me to everything now and he leaves the decision up to me if I attend or not.  Sometimes I go and other times I do not go.  

You need to tell your SO how you feel... you two have been dating for 5 years now and you should be included more.  Plus he needs to really think about the message he is sending his child... I know I use to have two parents that were divorced... the one thing I wanted the most in this World back then was for my parents to get back together. No he needs to really think how his actions could be giving his kid false hope too... plus I'm pretty sure when he excludes you like he has done it must hurt your feelings... be open and be honest and speak up or nothing will ever change to make you happier.  Been there I know... 

warenb82's picture

I couldn’t love everything you said enough. I replied but it got put in the comments versus a reply to you. 

warenb82's picture

I think that’s what has bothered me the most. I’ve expressed my feelings numerous times. He always says it’s a fight when it come to his daughter. He tries to keep the peace for SD sake. So he can get extra time with her. I just don’t understand how he could just dismiss my feelings and concerns regarding the situation as a whole to keep the peace! His nature is low key and hates conflict but I feel like he’s put me on the back burner all to keep peace with her and causing our relationship harm. And for what? It’s causing major hard feelings towards him. I’m mentally exhausted and drained. 

 

warenb82's picture

I would like to feel included and not as if he’s living another life. I don’t like the fact he calls the ex and SD while I’m not present 100% of the time. It’s like she calls and text daily or rotates. She has to have his attention. And she gets it with the SD. I am all for getting along but it’s like I’m non existent.

Let’s use Friday as an example-it’s his weekend but mother says it her weekend because mother’s day. So she allowed him to kee SD  one day during the week in place of Sat night. He works third and didn’t wake up until 3. He jumps up and hits the door running because he has so much to do (it’s also my birthday!) and is gone. He then calls to tell me EX called mad because he didn’t answer his phone to go get his daughter. How she is the only one who does for her and that she gets no help. Keep in mind she knows we are together have a daughter and have built a house but talks to him like such versus being an adult and messaging me to see if I could pick up the daughter (I was off work!) or to wake him. It’s stuff like that that infuriates me to death! Which he’s allowed her to act like such. 

 

At some point I hope he gets it because I’m to my breaking point. 

flmomma08's picture

There's no reason for them to be in constant contact like that, especially since your SD is older. They really should only be discussing issues with SD. Once my SD got older, BM and DH had very little contact. If he called, SD would just answer the phone and vice versa. There's really no need to talk to the other parent unless its a pickup/dropoff change, school issue, medical issue, something like that.

Disneyfan's picture

The fact that mom is not contacting you for these things is AMAZING!!!

You are not the parent.  The only one in you home that mom ever needs to soeak to in regards to pick up, parenting...is your husband.  It is HIS responsibility to share to share those things with you.

 

flmomma08's picture

Completely agree. I would never want BM to contact me to pick up SD.... not my job.

warenb82's picture

It’s not a matter of me wanting her to contact me in place of dad. I just feel as if she contacts way to often for nothing. 

Like Mother’s Day-She sends him a picture of a rash (it looked like she scratched herself!) asking what it was. That her son said it looked like Impetigo! She does stuff like such knowing we would be trying to spend time together for Mother’s Day! She uses the daughter to get his attention. 

Livingoutloud's picture

It’s your SO fault that this goes on. BM owes you nothing and doesn’t need to address your needs. SO needs to and he doesn’t. 

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

He's living two lives. There's absolutely no reason why you can't do things for SD and that BM can't just text you to do her a favor. He's allowing BM to act like that. Speak to him about your feelings. If he refuses to hear you and change his behavior, then he doesn't care about you. I can't beleive you had a kid with him and built a house with him while you were being treated like that. You should find a way out of that situation. BM is still very much in his life. He doesn't have good boundaries if they have phone calls back and forth like that and if he is especially doing it behind your back. The only reason he has a poor relationship with SD9 is because he doesn't have good boundaries with SD's mother. He could have had a solid family with you but no, he couldn't cut strings with BM and he let her control him and sabotoage his attempt to build his own family over the last five years. His heart is still very much with BM. I had someone do this to me for 11 years. I was too stupid to realize that he was sabotaging every relationship I had. i realized I still loved him and welcomed his attention. That love is finallygone.  Now I do not ever talk to him except to text arrangements about DD. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

keeping his life compartmentalized. Counseling might allow each of you to hear and understand each other's perspectives.

Sometimes there are no right or wrong answers,; only different perspectives and opinions.. Then you each have to decide what you can or cannot tolerate.

 

 

warenb82's picture

I’ve mentioned counseling and he seems to think we don’t need it but I feel we do. I respond and he reacts. We can’t communicate without an argument because he feels as if I’m directing it to his daughter.

1wonder woman's picture

My SO and your SO are so much alike... except my man has came a long way... he finally listened to me and he started standing up to his ex-wife because I made him. Yes she tried to punish him every time she did not get her way she'd think up reason to keep his daughter from seeing him. He too hates conflict... but then he started seeing what I saw... his ex-wifes main goal was to control him and manipulate him to get what she wanted forget about what he wanted or what I wanted. Plus she wanted to keep his kid from spending any time with her father. She hated seeing her kid and I getting close. Plus his ex-wife loved to abuse him cutting him down telling him he was not doing enough... 

I told my SO no more talking to your ex-wife behind my back... nope he puts her on speaker phone in front of me every time.  If she is rude he hangs up on here... he tells her play nice or I am hanging up. When he gets a text from his wife she must include me in it or he will not respond back to her...  He told her we are united as a couple and I am helping them both to raise their daughter.  So I should be included in their conversations...  See she can't manipulate him... control him or vertebrally abuse him anymore I will not allow her to do so.  Heck I even blocked her from contacting us on our cell phones she had to call our home phone... because she refused to stop cutting him down as a father saying he does not do enough.   

When I first started dating my SO I saw the hold his ex-wife had on him... if she said jump he'd say how high and he'd jump... he hated saying no to her. It was easier for him to just say yes instead of no... But now he tells her no all the time... he has came a long way and I am so proud of him.  But it was exhausting in the beginning to get this man to do what he needed to do. He had no balls because his ex wife had him by the balls... that's the truth.  Not no more... I see a man that no longer calls his ex and she no longer calls him either... she use to text him non stop cutting him down controlling him.  All she did was bitch and cut him down. She used text messaging a way to abuse him daily.   Making our lives our lives hell.  There was no need in her texting him so much or calling him so much.  Then when he told her all text messages included me she went off.... she refused to include me so he refused to reply back to her text messages.  She knows now who rules and calls the shots... not her ME! Now I am happier.... sure my SO has one last tie to cut with his ex-wife and that is getting his name off of the joint mortgage but I will push him to cut this last tie... watch me! 

Now his kid is almost 12 and she has her own cell phone and this makes things even easier now he communicates with his kid.  We never hear from ex-wife now... and it is so nice... but it took hard work for the past 3 1/2 to get this far... and it took two people staying on the same page working together as a team to get this far.  My SO really wants to make me happy and I see that now and every thing I pushed him to do was to protect him and to help him break free from the hold his ex-wife had on his life... 

Notup4it's picture

So you have told him how you are feeling but it hasn’t changed anything- well now it is time for YOU to change how you RESPOND to things.  Stop caring if he messages his stupid ex without you present-who cares?!?! And no why should you have to go pick up his kid?! Frick that nonsense!!  Daughter coming over for some daddy time? Go take your baby out for some mommy time! Let HIM deal with his annoying ex, don’t ask questions and don’t involve yourself.  (yes I know this is going against what you are wanting BUT you aren’t getting what you want from what you are doing anyways!).

By fighting him over this YOU are looking like the bad guy here... so stop!! Let him be annoyed and fight with his ex so he puts blame where blame is due.  Let him “sneak around” without saying anything so that he can FEEL the guilt instead of being defensive!! If something possess you off show him with your ACTIONS not with your words! 

What you are allowing to happen here is you are allowing him to shift focus into your reaction instead of the problem at hand.  Eventually he will change or you will get sick of it and leave- but you really don’t need to added stress in the meanwhile....

1wonder woman's picture

Yep... you need to speak up and disengage and just maybe he will listen and change his ways or  maybe when he sees you disengaging he will miss you not being there to help him and he will see he must change his ways or you will be disengaging.  Go have fun without him disengage... My man hates when I disengage and he is lost without me and then he will be wondering hmmmm what is she doing right now while  he is stuck with his kid. I know it is hard to disengage but I personally feel better when I stay home and step aside. I will take the whole day and go love myself ... go ave my hair done my nails down go out with friends.  My man prefers me to be there when he visits his kid but like I told him I find i am happier when I disengage... I do not have to listen to his kid brag about her mom to her father and I .... I do not have to see the photos on her smart phone of her mom that she will push into our faces saying look at my mom isn't she getting skinny.... isn't she beautiful. UHG!.  I do not have to listen to the kid brag about how rich her mom is and how they spend money like crazy... mind you the kid is clueless the mother is far far from being rich ... she is closer to being homeless than anything.  But we do not tell her the truth I have to sit there and boil inside ready to explode...not fun... so I make the choice to disengage.

Nothing will ever change for the better in your life if you continue on that same dead end road... exit the road and save yourself... make yourself happier.  You have more power than you realize... If your man really loves you he will listen to you and he will change to make you happier period.  If he is not willing to change then guess what that is his choice but you too have a choice to change...you could exit the relationship...