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The compliments make me cringe.. VENT

LBS714's picture

Hey all. I'm a 32yo female and let me preface this by saying I LOVE my job. It's a small business in the construction field, I'm a manager within the office, and do a little bit of everything. They are wonderful owners, pay me well, and it's a great working atmosphere. I've been here 3 years.

I'm sort of like the 'office therapist'. Everyone comes in my office to vent, get advice, whatever.. I guess it's the mom vibes I put off since I'm a mom IDK. One of my male co-workers, mostly in the field but sometimes is in the office, and he compliments me every time he's in the office. Whether it be my hair, my outfit, my clothes, my dang eyebrows, anything and everything. He comes in my office and vents as well and he is very easy to talk to, a very nice guy. But, sometimes the compliments become too much. Like "its such a relief to come into the office and see a beautiful woman", or he will stand at my office door and just stare at me, trying to make small talk when I am obviously working and I'm ANNOYED because WHY tf are you staring at me?! I don't mind them venting to me about work problems or things of that naure, but he CONSTANTLY wants to vent about his marital issues and how much he hates his wife. 

I'm a good listener so I just listen, and if he asks me for advice, if I can give it I will, if not I tell him "I'm not sure". Keep in mind, this man is my father's age, I am not nor will I ever be attracted to him. I'm happily married. 

Once, he asked me how old I was, I tell him and he thinks of the difference between our ages, and says "dang so even if I was in my 20's before I got married, you'd still be a minor and I still couldn't have a chance".. I'm like WOAH DUDE.. Chill. 

So I think I'm a 10, I'm very confident about myself, the way I walk, talk, very confident right.. but things like this just make me so uncomfortable, like just to crawl into a hole and not be bothered by anyone. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Cringey!

I would straight up ignore the compliments and change the subject. If he doesn't get a payoff of your acknowledgement or appreciation, he may stop.

He thinks he's winning points with you by giving you compliments. That way he can "safely" let you know he finds you attractive in hopes that you'll green light him for more of your attention and maybe..........something more.

If he doesn't stop after you ignore all his compliments, I would explain to him that his focus on your appearance and all the compliments make you uncomfortable. Then, if he continues, I'd report him for making it a hostile workplace.

Stepdrama2020's picture

"Your compliments make me uncomfortable and it is inappropriate. Please stop"

Is he flirting with you, yes. NOT COOL period. Perhaps stop being personal with him. Stop giving him advice. If I was his wife I would be pissed my DH was doing this and also pissed a young 10 as you put it was giving him advice. Total boundary crossing.  Do not get me wrong I am not blaming you in any way shape or form. A simple please stop commenting will stop him and by not engaging as his therapist in his marriage will also help.

These men can be dumb, or manipulative, so you have to spell it out.

 

Rags's picture

He will likely not knock this crap off unless you tell him to.  I would not ignore it if I were you. Tell him he is welcome to talk with you about any work support you can provide for him.  I would then tell him that his continuous compliments and office stalking you makes you uncomfortable as does his continual complaining about his wife.

Document the discussion in a "Memorandum for the Record" saved to your hard drive and e-mailed to yourself at your work e-mail and at a private e-mail account.  

If he misses the message, make a formal complaint to your management.

If you need to escalate, forward the memorandum to your leadership with follow up notes from your discussion with leadership.

Documenting this kind of thing  tends to give it more impact if you need to escalate.

Work crushes are not uncommon and do not always escalate to the level of needing to be confronted.  When they reach that point, it is imperative that the confrontation occurs in a direct, assertive, professional manner.

 

 

tog redux's picture

Tell him to stop. He thinks he's complimenting you, but he's really harassing you and making you uncomfortable. Older men that do this are creepy and need to be reminded that it's not okay.

Merry's picture

I'm sure he thinks that you LIKE his attention. All men think that. They've been socialized that way, and the older they are the worse it is it seems because women were socialized to not make waves and just take it. That time is OVER.

You have to tell him that talking about work issues is fine, but anything more personal is out of bounds. He'll be surprised and maybe sulk, but so what. Flirting is not welcome or appropriate in the workplace. Doesn't mean you can't have work friends of the opposite sex, but this guy goes too far.