Common Denominator
After joining this site, and reading (pouring) over comments and topics, I have come to a conclusion. The main concern and comment everyone states is that they have regrets. And one thing seems to be consistent throughout. If your parenting communication style with your kids is different from your SO and his/her kids, you're going to run into trouble. It seems like such an elementary concept that you would pick up on at the start of a relationship. But, I think everyone becomes so blinded by the fuzzy love cloud they think that love will overcome everything.
If, at the start of a relationship, you hold back and do not handle issues with sk and fs in a manner that is natural and reasonable to you then it only gets harder.
I think from now on, that will be my personal focus for my situation...just to attempt to match the styles of me and my husband better. I will encourage him to be more confrontational with my kids, and I will push myself to be less confrontational with his and maybe try to dig up a reason to love his son (very hard so far). My husband is far too passive with all of them. Another thing I see over and over is the universal combination of guilt and anger. If there were ever two things that destroy your health and happiness faster it's the one-two punch of those two.
I would generally agree with
I would generally agree with this - but seeing as I don't have kids myself, it's a little different. I didn't really know what good parenting meant, nor how to recognize the lack of it. In my case, I wish I could have been a little more predictive about that. But same idea.
I guess along the same lines, my main regret is not being much more clear about what I wanted my role to be. It was just very difficult, again being childless, to understand what that would mean exactly, so it would have been very vague and non-specific. NOW, I could give you a freakin' Webster's-level definition, by god!
I also regret not giving more thought to the possibility that he would get the skids full-time, which is now the predicament I find myself in. I should really have considered that more. I think even in my parenting naivete, I may have been able to figure out that it would probably be too much for me. Considering the "worst case scenario" is important too.
Exactly! Worst case scenario!
Exactly! Worst case scenario! Those are the words I was looking for. We all tend to assume things will just get better and easier, false. And regarding you not having kids. Well, you have instincts. And if your instincts tell you somethings wrong or weird or whatever, you should feel free to voice your opinion and have it stand as serious.
Regarding having step kids full time. I know that can suck badly, depending on the situation. I've learned that just because my husbands son is here, (gone now)doesn't mean my life had to revolve around him like a weak planet. There was just nothing in it for me. Someone on here said it so clearly for me.
When they're yours its love, when they're not, it's work. So true.
"like a weak planet"! I love
"like a weak planet"! I love that!
You're right, I do have instincts, and to reiterate what you are saying, I can and should follow them. Took me awhile to understand that as well.
I also now understand that *sometimes* I *should* back off as well, and let him do his thing. Picking my battles, as it were.