Christmas will be torture, what to do, HELP! Warning its a novel!
A little background, husband and i been together 3+ years known eachother since childhood married a few months. Well, he did some VERY shady things when we were just dating which has put his family and i in a very awkward place. He had a hidden friendship with the sister of his brothers gf. They would all get together and do stuff when i was at work, she offered herself for him to cheat on me, i do not believe they had anything physical but he lied schemed and eventually we split due to the issues that and other situations caused.
We still saw eachother while split and the other girl felt like us splitting was her opportunity to be with him so she lied on us both, caused a MASSIVE amount of chaos, played us against eachother and her and the gf took to calling me every whore bitch cow and everything else. I said screw it all. After i left him to his drama he realized what he had came back and we started repairing our relationship......
Well....since WE didnt tell anyone what was really going on the family believed the gf and her sis, took her in as family, talked about me, shunned me, lied on me, gave my husband and i hell every step of the way. He started pulling away bc tbey were all wrong what they were doing. And after all that drama they didnt come to our wedding, they dogged me for not inviting them to my baby shower, dogged me and my husband bc we didnt let them be in the delivery room, someone told my husband he need to open his eyes and see im a bad person, but couldnt rell my husband how. Out of respect for him i never really said much to them, they have no basis for their beliefs that im bad, some have admitted that not one of them can give a reason or excuse to why they all treat me that way but they do!
Now im pregnant, we are happy, only one brother ever comes to visit, my child does not kow them, they make no effort, i still suck it up and go to some of their houses sometimes bc of my husband but i HATE going to the big family gatherings and this christmas will be torture if i have to go! My little one will be 9months and her dad will want her to be there. The homewrecker will be there. Everyone who was nasty to me will be there. They dont welcome me and im fearful to send my baby with her dad alone. He's never taken her anywhere alone, everyone is a stranger to her, she has to be taken care of but her dad likes to put her down and mingle himself. They dont know her, and dont like me so im uncomfortable sending her especially since he will stay between 4-8 hours.
I dont know what to do! Its his mess that got us into this, its his family that treats me with no respect, nirmally he doesnt ask me to be involved bc he knows their wrong and its mostly his fault for lying and bringing the hw into the picture. Shall i try my best to go and let the stress and anxiety eat me for the day, or tell him me and the baby arent going get over it, or let him take her?
I left him after that. We
I left him after that. We moved apart. Bc we were friends so long we tried to keep the friendship and there was still drama so i stopped talking to him altogether. (by this time i was pregnant and didnt know it yet). After not even being able to be civil with eachother, not talking to me for the first time in 11 years at that point and a man to man talk with his dad (dad is not a part of the mess) he came to me after a while and completely humbled himself, apologized sincerely for all the drama, told the crazy girl in front of me to leave us both alone forever, stepped away from everything and worked on himself, gaining my trust back, and rebuilding us. He made great changes and ive been issue free since then which has been nearly two years. I never knew him to be that way before and we were always close, i knew better of him and so did he.
Okay so you forgave him for
Okay so you forgave him for the lies and the cheating and the two of you worked on the relationship and started mending fences.
However, it would appear that he still has no problems humilating you. Blind Freddy on a galloping horse could see how uncomfortable you would feel, and how badly you are shunned by his family. All thanks to him and his lies, yet he has no problems expecting you to suck it up.
You do not want to go, you do not want your child to go. NO you should not, no you should not let your child go. You know he 'likes to mingle' so your child will be in the hands of people who hate you. How is this fair to you.
Sorry, but you did what you thought was right for love. You put the past in the past and forgave this man. You know what. Somewhere deep inside his smug little self, he's laughing at you for that. Becasue if he wasn't, if he truly loved and respected you, he would never dream of putting you in this awkward, uncomfortable position.
Do yourself and your baby a favour. Put him in his place NOW, don't make the mistake of doing him yet another favour. If you go to this function, you are giving him permission to walk all over you for as long as the two of you are together. Which won't be too long, because things will only get worse. If you keep acting like a doormat, he will keep treating you like one.
You need to show some spine, you need to show some self respect, and you need to teach this man that you will not be disrespected by him or his family. You will not spend any part of the holidays with people who hate you and you certainly will not allow your daughter to be involved with people like this. Especially the woman in question who seems to have enjoyed the games and her spoils.
It will be hard to stand up for yourself I know. But the first time is the worst time, after that it gets easier and easier. Do not be meek and mild about it. No need to start a fight over it either. Just calmly tell him, you have given this a lot of thought, and while for his sake, you thought about attending, you have decided NO, yo don't want them to have anything to do with you and your daughter, and you want nothing to do with them. Tell him you have been the subject of scorn from his family thanks to his lies for long enough, you won't put yourself and your daughter out there ever again. And mean it.
He doesnt expect me to go,
He doesnt expect me to go, hasnt spoken a word about it. I didnt go to his moms ceremomy and he wasnt upset. He knows its hell for me. When we got back together neithet of us really knew how involved the family was at tearing down my character, we found out over the course of a few months. I had never said much of anything to them bc most things were small petty things that didnt lead me to believe they were actually against me, ex. they would discuss my facebook page negatively....i just deleted them all pretty much. My husband and his family has always been extremely close and he never had to deal with them on this level, it was hard for him to see that they were apart of this and actually being nasty! Well the brothers gf (sis of the wanabe woman) said something out of line about him in regards to me and he finally flipped before the xmas party last year. Then the hw took to trying to attacking both of us publically so we BOTH spoke up and went off! THATS when i finally spoke bc his mom and family had been inviting the hw everywhere and we were supposed to all be at the xmas party last year, we talked to his mom she pretended she didnt know anything and supported us and told us the girl would no longer come around. LIES! They invited her to the party anyway. Then i lost all my respect and he lost most of his right there. He told them all about themselves and stood up for me every time someone said something. He stopped visiting ppl as much and they just stopped talking to us! He told his brother his gf wasnt welcome in our home and was not about to disrespect me so if she couldnt respect me she wouldnt see our child! He had cursing matches with them about the baby shower, wedding, and birth of our baby.
He does not allow them to disrespect me on his watch and has told them that when it comes down to it i am his wife and will ALWAYS choose me so they gotta get used to it. The problem IS THIS......he loves his family (which is understandable) and it has been a BIG adjustment not being as close to them but he acknowleges he shouldnt have caused the confusion in the first place and that they are WRONG in the way they act so he just deals with it. But i chose to stay with him afterall so i feel as if i should be compromising a little too. He WANTS his own family to be present at the few events he goes to but knows im not gonna go so usually doesnt say anything. He feels as if the children have nothing to do with it though and even though he is aware they dont even try to see her, he feels like she should know and see them. I told him im not gonna let him force her on them and normally he wont fight me on this. He is going to want to take her, i dont want to let her go without me but i dont want to go at all. It would mean a lot for him to have us there, he wants us all to move on in a better direction. I feel like because he has pretty much stopped going to everything, my sis says go this one time bc it will make him happy and to prevent a fight about the baby going. I dont want to feel like im being petty by not going or sending our baby!
I have told him all that. He
I have told him all that. He is ashamed of what he has caused but is it really going to be healthy for US if i stay disengaged and not let my daughter go with him all the time? I have never been married i dont know if inlaw disengagement works when he is not completely disengaged. He says he doesnt mind me not going places but doesnt think its fair he cant take her places.
Emotionally Beat Up gave
Emotionally Beat Up gave excellent advice.
With regards to the issue about the fact he wants to take your child to see his parents/family. WHY?
I had NIGHTMARE in laws. They judged me to be a psycho like the BM and decided upon sight they hated me. My SIL caught her first sight of me in my now DH's car and she called DH up to berate him over "that slut" (she didnt know me). I had HELL from them for YEARS and unlike your DH, mine would always make excuses for them and wouldnt stand up for me. This did change and one thing your DH IS doing wrong is this:
He is allowing his family to continue with their attitude by continuing to have a relationship with them and by suggesting he take your daughter to their house not only is he giving them the opportunity to poison her (my own grandparents hated my mother and would badmouth her to my brother and I, which was awful for us) but also he is *rewarding* their awful, hideous behaviour!
WTF are they doing by allowing this random person into their family who is causing these problems? They do it, because they enjoy/want the drama directed towards you.
Like HELL would I allow MY child to around the woman who has caused conflict in my relationship...your DH is the father of your child and as a result of this woman (yes and DH) and his crazy family its going to impact on your child.
I would focus on the fact you need to protect her from this dysfunction. Do you think they would keep their mouths shut?
As for your DH stating "its not fair" he can't take DD with him to see his family. Its not frigging fair how YOU have been treated, the stress it has caused and its time HE respects your position as DD's mother, that you will never ever in a million years expose her to that slut he was "friends" with and the poison HIS family are obsessed about hanging onto which HE helped create. FAIR doesnt come into it, considering the crap he created and you have endured.
Oh btw, I gave my DH a choice, that if his parents ever disrespect me like they did previously or do certain things then once we have children they will not be seeing them. Not for revenge, but because I am not putting my innocent kid in the middle of their weird f*cked up way of thinking and enabling them to continue with their hate campaign. Seen it for myself as a kid, no thank you, it hurts seeing your family hate your mother and knowing that because you are half of your mother your blood is "tainted" in their eyes and you will never be good enough for them.
Thanks for the response! I
Thanks for the response! I agree...i do! I really feel like im throwing my baby into a big pot of dysfunction by allowing her to be involved with his family and my heart tells me they will bad mouth me to her! Although she is too small right now, its the principle. He has a bd from a previous relationship who only really sees his family when he takes her there and for the life of me i cant understand WHY he wants to try to make our kids be a part of their life when they make no effort to be a part of ours. In almost 4years his mom has been to our home only once over 3 years ago and it was only for him to print something for her! She drives near our home a lot but doesnt visit. She goes and gets other grandkids but not my husbands kids. I kind of feel as if his inner child is screaming "what about me!?" and maybe he feels left out so he keeps trying. I dont want to try. If u cant come into my world, i wont come into yours. I dont want my baby around that foolishness. They lie committ adultery smoke weed pop pills smoke cigarettes go to the club talk about ppl are loud simpleminded selfish and messy. The family even talks to his ex about what goes on and has caused problems with seeing his other child! I dont want her going around atleast until she can talk and get away or express that she wants to leave.
Listen to what EBU said! And
Listen to what EBU said! And stop defending him or making excuses for him! They are awful to you because of him and his bs. And he is allowing it. If he wasn't allowing it, it wouldn't be happening. The other woman shouldn't even be in the picture. She is a symptom of the problem HE caused, as is HIS family. HE is the problem. Girlfriend, you've stepped into a snake pit and nobody has your back. If you can get out, you should. Eventually you'll get your belly full and leave anyway, might as well as do it sooner than later and leave with your self-respect and sanity intact. The odds are against things changing. Don't you think maybe you already know this in your heart of hearts?
Sorry to be harsh, but it makes me crazy when I see young women hanging around taking abuse and making excuses for unworthy men. I have a feeling you are going to stay. If you must stay, detach. Avoid those people and guard your children from them. If he wants to go, he can go alone. Please don't subject your innocent children to that poison.
He was wrong! I dont deny
He was wrong! I dont deny that! I will not allow it to be said that he did not try to correct things after it was all said and done.if anyone says anything inappropriate i have witnessed him get mad and say something in defense. Problem is he cannot make ANYONE be loving or nice towards me if they dont want to and they just dont want to! He also cant make them stop talking to her bc they dont want to. That has to be their choice. So at this point they just dont accept me and bc neither of us want him to disown his own family me disengaging seems like the only choice. I think that before they can be grandma, aunts, uncles and so on to her that they first need to try to be a mother and sister to me. I just talked to him and he says he understands why i feel the way i do and wont try to take her with him when hes with them bc if im not comfortable with them im not gonna be comfortable with our daughter with them.
The family may know more than
The family may know more than you think they know.
If husband and the girl had a relationship during your break up, then you popped back into the picture, it's possible that they all see you as the homewreaker.
When it's all said and done, your husband caused all of this. He started seeing the other woman while you were dating. He continued that relationship when you broke up. He made the choice not to tell his family what happened once you got back together. He allowed his family to think you broke up the previous relationship.
He created the mess so it's his job to fix it. He needs
to be honest with you and his family. It's time for him to admit the role he played in all of this.
took
She wrote him a letter
She wrote him a letter expressing that she knows he loves me and isnt leaving me and that she knows they have never went beyond friends but that she started to like him and if he ever wanted to cheat basically she was there. She didnt think i would find it i confronted her, he felt a bit awkward bc i dont think he saw much beyond friendship with her (i saw the letter before he did), she had played a pity case and he felt bad for her so he talked to her about everything going on in her life and his bro and her sis would try to keep her cheered up. He knows i would have flipped so he hid the friendship. It really did start off honest but i told him he was getting himself into a world of hurt. She admitted that they never had anything but friendship to many ppl including me UNTIL she got in public and insinuated that there was more and said all kinds of other crai know to be untrue and i think it was just to try to hurt me. She even made up text messages from some number that didnt exist and told him they were nasty msgs from me. She never showed these alleged msgs to him bc it wasnt true! Regardless of what happened when we were split, it doesnt add up to them doing much of anything and even if they did we were split i didnt care. He vehemently denies anything but talking and behind the scenes she says nothing went on. We were together two years prior to the break up and o ly broken up a few months, maybe three months and in those three months they knew we were still seeing eachother. We even would take wkend trips.
She's pushing it because she
She's pushing it because she thinks she has a chance to break you up. He should put her in her place permanently. It doesn't sound like he has. Maybe he likes women fighting over him and is subtly encouraging her? Like on Jerry Springer? Don't make her the villain, she's just another cheap whore who doesn't respect herself or anyone else. It comes back to him. He's engineering this drama triangle and his family is enjoying the show and cheering her on.
He has put her in her place,
He has put her in her place, but since her sister is supportive of her knowing she is wrong and the family supports the sister who is the brothers girlfriend she feels very courageous bc the family talks to her and not me....he tries not to go where she is and pretty much stopped going to his brothers house bc of this. She doesnt say anything to us anymore, but the family still acts like just bc her sister is part of the fam so is she. So she is at all the family functions with my bil and his gf. She is now a family friend, he told his mom he doesnt like it but she says shes not gonna be mean to her bc of us. Its all very frustrating.
"He does not allow them to
"He does not allow them to disrespect me on his watch and has told them that when it comes down to it i am his wife and will ALWAYS choose me so they gotta get used to it."
DH has got to do more than just say "you can't disrespect my wife."
The reason his family has no respect for you is because they believe you are a homewrecker.
DH has to EXPLAIN what HE DID. He has to say "I was the one that cheated, not my wife. Maybe it wasn't a physical relationship, but still it was me that went behid DW's back and saw someone else, not the other way around. If you should have a problem with anyone, it should be with ME."
Like Disneyfan said - HE is the one ALLOWING his family to believe that you are the bad guy here, when really he is. He needs to bite the bullet and tell them EXACTLY what happened. His family will no doubt forgive him, family is more forgiving towards their own than an "outsider".
I would tell DH if he doesn't tell his family the WHOLE truth, you and/or DD will not attend any family functions.
From a man's point of view, I
From a man's point of view, I can only reiterate what has been said already. Your husband has to be the one to "Man Up" and own what he did and let it be known what he did to cause all of this.
I personally wouldn't even take my wife around my family at all if they acted like this, and I would probably move my family as far away as possible so she didn't have to be around people who constantly make her feel uncomfortable. But at the end of the day your husband is the cause of all of this, and only he can get everyone on the path towards healing.
his family did not recognize
his family did not recognize her as anything to him other than a family friend, she is the sister of his brothers girlfreind and is a tag along to her. that is how she is was introduced into the family, however, she did not attend anything or come around until AFTER he stopped talking conversating with her and began his repair with me. Did you read all of it Amber? So that i can clear it up, please tell me how you are getting that his family sees ME as the homewrecker when he and her never had a home to wreck, a relationship beyond one group movie outing, sitting around the brothers house playing cards, and talking on the phone. He definitely did these things without me knowing while i was at work but even the hw admitted there was nothing beyond friendship.
he has confronted his family about their accusations, negative actions and thoughts. He does not allow them to disrespect me, however he can't stop them from saying and doing things behind our backs. He did rectify the situation by admitting to everyone that it was a big mistake even dealing with her and that its his fault, we were not married at the time. although it took entirely too long for him to confront the issues, and it was his doing that started the mess, i wont pretend that he did not try to rectify the situation. he did, many times. but you can not make someone elses mind up for them and evidently they already made their mind up not to like me. they said i must think im better than them because i dont come around much and that my hubby must be being controlled by me because he came around much more often so it has to be all my fault. they didnt know how much i knew about how they talked about me so they assumed i was being uppity but i knew i was being slandered. his family knows the truth, they choose to ignore it.
"please tell me how you are
"please tell me how you are getting that his family sees ME as the homewrecker when he and her never had a home to wreck, a relationship beyond one group movie outing, sitting around the brothers house playing cards, and talking on the phone"
The reason I think DH's family believe you are a homewrecker is because you said that you and your DH "didn't tell anyone what was really going on" so the family believes the HW and her sis. What other reason could there be for them to treat you the way they do? You say they "didn't have a home to wreck", but in some people's book, sitting around playing cards and talking on the phone is a relationship. So maybe in the family's eyes they thought they saw a relationship.
I can't explain to you why they think the way they do, other than what they saw was DH spending time with HW and not you, in addition to her lies.
"He did rectify the situation by admitting to everyone that it was a big mistake even dealing with her and that it's his fault, we were not married at the time."
Sounds like too little too late.
Maybe if you and your DH sit down with his family, ask them exactly why they treat you the way they do. Then hopefully DH can clear up any misconceptions. It doesn't sound like this has ever been done.
I can see what you are saying
I can see what you are saying now. It definitely looked like they were being inappropriate to be which is why we ended up fighting so i know if it looked shady to me it could look that way to others but the only other ppl who would be around was the brother and his gf so i guess if that was the way of thinking for them they told other ppl he was going behind my back with her HOWEVER, how absurd would it be for them to feel like i was a homewrecker when we were living together in a fullblown relationship, that would mean someone must be crazy to attack me for putting a stop to a secret relationship that was going on behind my back!
definitely agree the rectification came way too late and when we tried to clear things up they had already chosen a side. to quote his mom "when yall called me and told me about it, i called her to see what was going on and she told me 'oh dont worry about her ma'am she just being messy and lying to get some stuff started' so i figuered it was nothing......when she told us that we were both like WTF! WHY WOULD YOU BELIVE HER OVER US!!!! But i have to simply blame it on the fact it was too late.
^^^^Great post^^^^ and I
^^^^Great post^^^^ and I agree this is what needs to be done.
Hopefully some bridges can be mended so DH and DD don't have to miss out on a relationship with their family.
I also agree that it was
I also agree that it was never resolved just pushed under the rug so it does need to be resolved, however, they still have to respect the standard of care for our children that we require SO they have to enter our world sometimes. Our relationship has always been one sided with them, we always visit them, we always go to and do what they want to do, we always reach out to them. No one visits us, no one reaches out to us, no one joins anything we may do. If its not at one of their homes or one of their ideas, they don't come. I would like them to WANT to be a part of my childs life, would you teach your child that even if someone shows no interest in you, keep showing interest in them and running behind them. His older daughter is aware she does not get attention from that side of the family, its never they want the kids to be a part of the fam its my husband wants that. I would like things to be ok but we have tried for the last year in different ways. at what point then, do you say enough is enough?
I agree with some things and
I agree with some things and do not agree with others, and I LOVE Iyanla btw!
Firstly, i find it pertinent to state that the behavior of these folks is not savory. I do not condone any of the things stated and do not want my daughter around it nor do i want to be around it. My husband tolerates it because they are family and he loves them and wants to be in their lives. I, however, do not have the same feelings about them and no matter WHO it is, i will not allow any of that in my home and do not want my children to be exposed to ppl who are high, getting high, or drunk. I am uncomfortable with her around ppl who will not only lie to me but on me and bad mouth me for things they do not have any basis for saying. The things I have said are well known, been discussed in family talk, ppl bailed out of jail for drugs, husbands leaving wives because WE all know the wife was cheating because she told us all, husbands having children outside of the relationship ALL of these things are pertinent to me especially when i talked to a sil who stated that i was right nobody has a reason, none of them every got to know me and since the brothers gf was already a loved member of the family every one just kind of went off what she said and started making things up. We have asked SO many times give us a reason for the way they feel and it all goes unanswered! My point in saying any of that is I treated them kindly knowing they did all this stuff and was heavily involved in all the events, then after this happened, they all started treating me like i was a cancerous sore! I don't partake in any of the negative activity they do so im usually not present when they get together for smaller things, because of that an aunt said i must think im better than them.....from there everyone treated me like i was being uppity and trying to keep my husband from them! Truth be told, my mom and my sister both smoke and i keep my daughter away for the most part. My sister comes to my home to see us and my mom and I dont have a close relationship so we go visit her when we go visit his mom but my baby is not exposed to any of that. When I was pregnant, i had a very rocky first few months and was told I HAD to stay away from smoke bc i was threatening a miscarriage. I told his cousin i couldn't be around the smoke and asked him to smoke outside, his response was you'll be alright all these kids and pregnant women be around this all day you not gonna die! I KNOW they will not respect my wishes to keep our baby away from it they dont respect ME!
I do not want him to disengage, i encourage him in dealing with his family. Sometimes he just doesnt want to deal with them bc of all this bc they dont really accept me anymore. But i told him i dont have to allow someone to attack my character so im not going around and dont care that never did and dont come around now. His brother got all his info from his wife who got all her info from the other brothers girlfriend who got all her information from the homewrecker who tried desperately to get rid of me. Instead of talking to my husband about it or talking to US about what was going on they just went with it. Couples go through plenty of things and I don't think that it was our duty to tell his family about our relationship problems which is why we didnt tell them anything to begin with. it was our issues, we didnt expect the bros gf and her hw sister to go to the family and tell them all the foolishness either. I completely agree that once the information was given incorrectly to anyone my husband (bf then) should have set the record straight but nobody talked TO us about it so we didnt really know all this was going on behind our backs. we would hear and see little remarks but we didnt KNOW know.
I did tell him lonnnnnngggg ago when they were saying the little nasty things that he needs to go tell his mom and brothers everything bc i didnt want this going the wrong way, him being ashamed of what had happened he didnt do it so nobody ever got our side before they formed their opinion that i was a bad person. by the time we got to them to talk they were sure i was horrible! I have suggested talking all together SO many times and ppl say, its old why dont you just leave it alone! No one came to me to discuss anything, no one tried to rectify or say whats really going on. No one tries to have any type of relationship with me. When im there they pretty much act like im invisible. Its uncomfortable. None of them are hurt by it so they don't care.
As a parent i have a standard of care for my child, as a wife i have a standard of care for my marriage, as a person i have a standard of care for myself. when you do not like me or respect me, i know you do not respect any of those things. As the matriarch, i contacted his mom a few months ago and told her how i felt that she partook in disrespecting me, that it hurt her son that she didnt come to our wedding, that she chose not to be a part of our kids lives or our lives, and that she was showing clear favoritism to the gf of the little brother and their child. Even her husband has told her that she shows favortism to the gf and son of her youngest. Well she ended up crying talking about i wasnt gon call her and make it seem like she didnt love all her grandkids and childrent the same and that the only reason she treated one different is bc she didnt want to drive the 20-30 minutes to see the others.
My husband and I have tried with no success. It is clear they want to continue this way so i disengaged my husband supports me on that bc he says "they set in their ways and its like talking to a brick wall" he wants different but knows how they all are. The only reason I am questioning going is bc i know it will make him happy to have his family present. He is very proud of the family he has made, he dotes on us to all his friends and co-workers, he just cant change who his ppl are.
I Dont want to be around them
I Dont want to be around them but i know my daughter is related to them so honestly in my mind does go back and forth on that. I don want my baby subject to that dysfunction and at the same time i feel as if both sides, myself and them, are showing dysfunction bc they dont try to be a part of her life and i wont let my husband make her be around them. U are right, i am on kind of a hamster wheel.
Everyone has negatively commented on my absence so i think ive allowed myself to feel as if I am wrong for stopping trying even though i KNOW my husband and i were the only ones making effort. Its seems very un-natural, but at the same time i know my husband has tried as well as made things right for us so i feel like as a wife im obligated to his happiness. He knows it contributes to me being unhappy so for the most part they are minimal in his life. I want to protect my family and myself from what i know to be unfavorable conditions but somehow i feel as if im being a bad person by doing what i am to protect us from the continuous let downs drama and alienation. I want to know if all these situations are enough cause to be disengaged and fibe with it. You did make me think and realize i am kind of going in circles a bit. Mostly bc i think some things were a bit misunderstood.
I should clarify, although i
I should clarify, although i may challenge some things, i do apptrciate every response bc it all sheds new light on how i think this through. I should also clarify that i in no way shape form or fashion defending my own or my husbands mistakes. We both should have done things differently but we are here now. He is responsible for his own actions only, im responsible for my actions only, his family are responsible for their actions. I just want to be okay knowing that disengagement at this point is the best thing or if i should try to give him a holiday with all his family bc we are married now.
Perhaps you both should have
Perhaps you both should have done things differently. But we learn from our mistakes.
However, your DH does not seem to have learnt anything much if he still wants to party with the people who disrespect you due to his lies. I wonder why you think he should have a "holiday" with these people because you are married. These people do not seem to have learnt much either.
Things seem to be exactly the same as they before you were married. They had no respect for you then, he encoraged it with his lies. They have no respect for you now, he encourages it by his socializing with them, and wanting to take his child along. A child that is yours too.
Your DH can defend you till he is blue in the face with his words, but his actions speak volumes. He can say I do not want you to treat my wife like this, but then if he does nothing about it, worse still, goes along for visits and family gatherings, well, they really don't have to change do they, there are no consequences for their actions.
If you are happy for your husband to go for a holiday and leave you home alone, then fine. But why should you be left alone because his family do not like you due to his lies. If he goes on this said holiday, do not be surprised if things get worse. Because your husband going along for a visit or a holiday without you, says to them loud and clear, he is absolutely fine with the way they treat you. It says the same to your husband. You are fine with the way things are, you are happy to be left alone while he visits a family that hate you because of his lies and actions.
I think you are giving mixed messages here, you need to be careful. Unless of course you like things the way they are, and are happy with the possibility of them getting worse. If you are not, then you had better decide exactly what it is you do want, and make your wishes known loud and clear to your husband. These situations do not fix themsleves. Someone has to fix them. From what I am reading in your posts, your husband is not the type to change them. Let's be honest, to date your husband has also not suffered any consequences for his actions. You went back to him, married him, and gave him a child. Which says to him, you have forgiven him for all his lies, and are happy to move on. NO problems or consequences with you. His family is still fine with him. So no problems for him there. The only loser in this is you. So that leaves it up to you, you are the only one unhappy with the situation, DH is happy to mingle with the family, you are not, you are the one who needs to instigate change.
In order for change to happen, you need to point out to your husband that saying he won't have you disrespected, yet going along to family gatherings where you are clearly made unwelcome and uncomfortable, or going without you, shows his family loud and clear, through his actions, that he is okay with them disrespecting you. You can disengage if you like, I would. But if your husband continues to keep things as they are and fails to see how this is impacting on you, therefore, his marriage. Trouble will brew between the two of you. HE needs to change. You need to point out to him if he continues acting the same around his family, things will stay the same.
After many happy years of
After many happy years of marriage, my husband suddenly burst and applied away from me because he met a younger woman. Our daughter was 10 years old at the time. Cried day and night and I did not know to whom I could turn. But priestessifaa@yahoo.com whom a friend introduced me to came like a flash in my life and so my life changed again to positven because my husband came to me in a short time back with tears and apology. Thank you priestess Ifaa, that you have brought my life to my home