Christmas presents from skids?
Forums:
Just a quick survey here. Do you, or have you ever, gotten a Christmas present from your skids?
As for me, I have NEVER gotten ANYTHING from my skids. Never a card, certainly never a present, and not even a "Merry Christmas." I disengaged earlier in the year, so I certainly don't expect anything anymore. However, for many years I tried really hard with the skids, and it still didn't matter. It was like I was invisible on Christmas. Back when I cared, it really bothered me - I felt so unappreciated. Now, I don't care, but I am curious about what others have experienced.
Sorry I had to LOL at the
Sorry I had to LOL at the thought of my ss13-whom I've known for 12 years giving me an xmas gift. He doesnt give his dad one either. Or wish him happy father's day. Heck, dh just wrote hi on his facebook wall when he saw ss was on there and ss didnt respond, but posted some ignorant status a few minutes later-so dh knows he had to have seen it.
Only once was I included in
Only once was I included in Christmas. SD20 (then 17 or 18) gave a gift of a pair of candles written to "Dad and Z3girl".
Not only did I never receive
Not only did I never receive a gift from my stepchildren, but worse than that they would bring a bottle of alcholol to dad at Christmas hand it to him and say "Here dad, this is for YOU". with emphasis on the YOU. I always felt so bad and embarrassed, but my husband and his kids never felt embarassed by their behaviour which I found incredibly rude, and insulting. My children have always given my husband a gift a Christmas and would never in a million years put anyone into a situation like his children put me in. Given that I have banned SD from this house if I get any packages sent from her this year to dad I'll be getting the bomb squad out before opening them.
This is going to sound mean,
This is going to sound mean, but I have never cared what my SDs bought or didn't get me for Xmas - in a way it has been better when they have bought me rubbish presents from the £1 shop, or nothing at all - because it demonstrates to DH what they really think of me in a way that telling him doesn't.
Having said that, over the last few years, my relationship with SD16 has improved a little, and she has bought me the odd decent thing, like stuff from the Body Shop that she knows I like. SD15 has never bought me anything remotely nice, with the exception that I got a book token for my birthday a year ago, but I think that was an aberration.
My SKs never give me gifts.
My SKs never give me gifts. To be fair, I have given then gifts. I buy for my kid and DF takes care of his kids.
I get a Christmas Gift,
I get a Christmas Gift, Mother's Day Gift and Birthday Gift every year from my SS - but he also knows that if I don't get a gift then he will be lacking in his gifts as it is I who goes out and get his cards, gifts and set the amount of how much money he gets. When he lived with us for full time for 3 years I would go with him and help him get something really nice for his mother and the my DH would take SS to get something for me - I know his mom takes him to get gifts for DH, DD and me at christmas and he always gets me a really nice card for each occasion.
I taught him when he lived with us and was young that even a small thoughtful gift was important and even more important was the Thank you notes that followed any time someone got him something and he still to this day sends out Thank you cards to everyone!!
Impressive ss!
Impressive ss!
To it's credit, when the
To it's credit, when the skids were first in my life, she made sure they brought me a gift from them when they visited over their holiday break.
Now...so much crap has gone down that if they gave me a gift today, it would either be ready to bite or ticking.
DH gives each of his
DH gives each of his grandchildren money. Sometimes he might return with some small token gift, usually not. I do the same. Neither of us give to our adult children. We have 21 grandchildren between us so we feel christmas money goes to them.
We are retired, if there is something we want then we do not wait for Christmas. We buy it ourself. We discourage any presents at this point in our life. The last thing we need is more "stuff" Our life is simple, we live on 2 acres,enjoy the yard work and gardens, most everything we own came from garage sales,or auctions. We no longer travel or vacation over seas due to DH's health.
At this point in life the best gift the children could give-----Come and visit your DAD. For years he has been the only one to make the effort to travel 2 hours to visit you every year at christmas. He has been the only one to travel to pick up the grandchildren and bring them here to visit.
For the first few years, I
For the first few years, I didnt even get a "happy birthday" from my ss. He wouldnt even say that to his dad although his psycho BM did used to send DH a card on Father's day/Birthday (often signed by her on ss's behalf) and a cursory small gift. My ss was young though,although impo he could have just scribbled on dad's card instead of his mother doing it (urgh)and be taught to say even a belated happy birthday/xmas/father's day to everyone! I think part of that was BM trying to have control over ss, and excluding the possibility of me organising these things for ss.
Anyway, I got sick of being ignored and told DH that he was teaching ss bad manners in NOT getting me a gift or even acknowledging special occasions. It doesnt have to be expensive, it should be thoughtful otherwise whats the point and I would expect the skid(s) to pick that out, as again whats the point?!
To his credit, DH did then do this and ss did purchase me something lovely with his own money too! Although BM squashed the possibility of me taking ss out to shop for his dad's gifts.
I think you need to TELL DH how this makes you feel and what you expect. Men need this outlined otherwise they just dont get it. They dont put so much importance on manners and thoughfulness as women do. If the skids are adults, then DH can still tell them his expectations in terms of how they treat you, particularly if they are coming into your home - its mandatory that basic politness and courtesy is exhibited imo. If my skid dared give a bottle of booze to DH and deliberately ensured it was a snub then I would immediately embarass them by saying "oh and what do I get for xmas then? Seeing as WE got you x...." and if DH didnt back me up, then his life would be hell. Not because I am a control freak but because that would be a betrayal of our marriage vows if he didnt.
Back in the "bad old days,"
Back in the "bad old days," when I was busting my ass for the skids, I told my DW that it hurt my feelings when the skids ignored me for Christmas, birthdays, etc. Her response back then was "they're just kids, you shouldn't give something to them with the expectation that they will thank you." She ignored my requests to teach them basic manners, etc. As the skids got older, and I pointed out the same behavior, DW changed tactics, since she couldn't use the "they're just kids" excuse anymore. She would typically find some way to turn it around on me, or bring up an unrelated issue to side-track me. If that didn't work, she fall back on "Old Reliable" - threatening to leave me. I eventually learned to keep my mouth shut.
One year SD was about 10 I
One year SD was about 10 I opened my gift from SK and she said hey that's neat - and I said of course you picked it out. She said no Bm doesn't take us shopping.
Last year SD now 19 calls BS and says what do I get your mom. BS says I don't know but aren't you do over here for family Christmas in an hour. SD says Yeah I'll het her a gift card. I went to use it- it was never activated.
I dontwant gifts I want a familyWBASY that enjoys each other.
Christmas is coming, the
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do.
If you haven't got a ha'penny, then God bless you. Merry christmas messages
I have never expected gifts
I have never expected gifts fom my SS, but I did expect him to purchase things for his Dad, which initially ment I went shopping with him and purchased the items. But every year for the last 8 years I have received a Christmas gift from him, nothing big or huge but something and each gift I still have and cherish, and for the last 4 years he has not bought his BM any gifts. We tried to encourage him to buy her something but he said, she can't bother to spend time with me, so why should I bother to spend my money on her!
One solution my H came up
One solution my H came up with was to pick names. This stopped the discomfort I had from being ignored yr after yr (gifts were always to H, except from MIL). I honestly think ignoring me was done out of immaturity and not out of a sense of meanness, all the same it was pretty awkward. Esp as the kids were adults.
Things progressed to mean from some family members as time went on. That's when I stepped out and have been disengaged ever since. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year
My skids are 4 and 6, so they
My skids are 4 and 6, so they don't buy gifts at all. They make art for everyone, including me. Partially because I'm always encouraging them to be creative and showing them new craft ideas .. we really bond over the art projects, and they never exclude me from the "art gifts".
We don't buy gifts for BM on behalf of the kids, and we don't make them create art gifts. She doesn't do anything for DH like that either.
I do think this problem is
I do think this problem is the responsibility of the birth parents (sorry hypovic!). When children are growing up, they don't necessarily think of buying or making presents for others unless school or parents show them how. And in divorced families particularly, the birth parents aren't motivated to help their kids give gifts to the other parent sometimes if the parting has been acrimonious, and certainly not for the steppies. Sometimes there can even be deliberate sabotage in this way, happened in my scenario where BM destroyed my presents to skids and banned them from accepting further. Then the situation is further compounded by fathers who don't model the behaviour for children typically, but leave it to the wife to do all the training. It's often awkward then for Step-parentss in particular because whilst they can train the skids to give to the bioparent, they don't often want to push themselves into the arena by demanding that the bioparent model the same behaviour in return, like would be easy with the parent of your own biokids.
So whilst I have always somewhat despised my now adult skids for never ever giving gifts to me or my sons (their half-sibs) bar twice in their lives, and rarely giving to DH, I think their behaviour may have been very different had DH behaved responsibly in training them in this area of etiquette. Some of the above posters have definitely proved that to me, and well done you and the bioparents in those situations.
Does a dollar store mug with
Does a dollar store mug with a packet of instant hot cocoa count? I get one every year. As soon as skids go home, I put the mug in the goodwill box.