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A Christmas Poem to make you smile

Iamwoman's picture

Dear STalkers,

I plan on weaning myself from the internet over the Christmas break, but I love most of you and your wit and wisdom - so not sure how that will go for me!

Here is a poem I "wrote" (that is in quotes because it is based on "the night before christmas," follows the same cadence, and has two lines exactly the same - all others are rewritten for ya - enjoy! - p.s. not a true story - I wish!):


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the home,

No one should be stirring, yet stepchildren roam;

The stockings were thrown on the couch without care,

I, the stepmother, hid in my room in despair;

The children were shouting and playing Fortnite;

While their father tiptoed around to make Christmas “just right;”

And I with my earplugs, and dad still with presents to wrap,

Killed a bottle of wine before a long winter's nap,

When out in the rec room, there arose such a clatter,

I asked my dear spouse to see what was the matter.

Away to the rec room he begrudgingly trod,

Unplugged the xBox and yelled at his squad.

A bedtime was ordered and chaos ensued,

As stepkids phoned mommy to claim they were abused,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a car in the driveway as CPS drew near,

With a little old driver who gave not one sh*t,

I knew in a moment his trip would be quick.

More rapid than eagles skids burst from their rooms,

As CPS set up one-on-one interviews:

"It’s dad! It’s stepmom! I can’t take the pain!

First eating! Then showering! …And they unplugged our game!

Can we go back to mom’s?! Can you take them to jail?!

We’ve suffered intensely!” The stepchildren wailed.

As DMV workers move when a license renews,

CPS muddled around before finding a clue;

The children were well fed with nary a bruise

So CPS left and we went back to the booze—

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of a small reindeer’s hoof.

I threw open the door, and raced into the yard,

Amazed that St. Nick was such a die-hard.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

Yet he didn’t stop to open his pack -

But with a jolly old smile gave me a note and Prozac.

It read: “Dear stepmom, for skids I have query!

Their consistent antics have made even ME weary!

Day in and day out you give boundaries and love,

And the children don’t care as they throw off the gloves;

You’ve made their dad happy and that makes them mad,

I’ve never seen children so intrinsically bad;

You give unconditionally – you’re losing your mind;

Yet to light, truth, and goodness, the children are blind.

So take my note – place it under the tree,

Try not to worry and go back to sleep;”

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but flew off with his crew,

I followed his orders with a silent adieu,

And slept through the night, waking to a calm,

As my spouse and I rose, saw the stepkids were gone;

They moved back to mom’s house for good without speaking a word,

And the note under the tree, my spouse found absurd.

But I shouted in glee at what the letter now stated—

A DNA test showed no one was related!

My life now at peace, with nary a fight -

“I wish a Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”


CLove's picture

This is PRICELESS!!!!

Love love love.

amyburemt's picture


Fade to black's picture

Love, love this!! You are a very talented writer!!

Iamwoman's picture

Aw - I'm glad it made you all smile - I didn't mean to make anyone cry chitchat - sorry!

I hope you all have a great holiday season. It's not easy, what we do - and it sure is nice to dream! Smile

theoldredhen's picture

Yo, Iamwoman!

Your rendition of 'The Night Before Christmas' deserves a larger audience. Simply brilliant, my dear! Clapping

rozzann's picture

In love with this!  You made my day!  I am going to print to share with my other SM friends *drinks*