Christmas plans
My Partner has a 5 YO from previous relationship and we have a 10 month old. We’ve been together a few years and Christmas has always been tough because he feels so upset doesn’t get to be with his son more (we have him every weekend throughout the year and take in turns with his BM to have his son Xmas day) anyway, he usually goes round there Xmas eve to watch a film, put him to bed etc. This year I hoped things would be different. However just this week he has told me that he will be going round there Xmas eve afternoon and spending time with him. Maybe I’m being selfish but we have him all day Xmas day and this is the first Xmas with our baby. I want it to be special but I’ll be alone for some of Xmas eve. I feel that he should have stayed with the BM and not had another child if Xmas is this much of a problem for him. He said xmas is ruined forever as he’ll never get to see his son Xmas morning again. He doesn’t seem to appreciate what he does have which is another baby and a girlfriend! This may sound mean but there are a lot of other issues in the relationship ATM. Just keen to hear what others do. I know the kids are important but I think it’s time he remembers who his family is which is me and our child rather than still trying to be a family of sorts with his ex because he thinks it’s the right thing for their son!
That’s exactly how I feel and
That’s exactly how I feel and I agree. His son is really confused at the moment I don’t think it helps at all. I think it’s more his guilt than what his son wants. He acts like should be grateful he’s not going round there at 6am Xmas day to see him open his presents as he has done previously. I want the first Christmas with our son to he special but he sees it as our son doesn’t know what’s going on this Xmas anyway which I think is a poor excuse
Wow. Talk about poor
Wow. Talk about poor boundaries. Id be warning him if he doesn't shape up, he might need to make arrangements for both his children's visitation next Christmas.
So, he spends Christmas Eve
So, he spends Christmas Eve with BM and the kid? But the child will be at your house on Christmas Day? What is the point of your BF going over to BM's on Christmas Eve, if he gets his son on Christmas Day? I just don't get it.
Christmas is ruined forever? A little dramatic, isn't he?
If my DH had spent any holiday with BM after we got together, he would not be my DH.
Seriously. If not being with
Seriously. If not being with his son on Christmas ruins it forever, why did he get divorced?
I don't get the obsession with Christmas, though - I'll admit I'm a bit grinchy. Perhaps you should tell him that your Christmas is now ruined forever because he insists on being gone on Xmas eve.
Christmas is ruined forever?
Christmas is ruined forever? A little dramatic, isn't he?
Ha, I was about to post the same thing. I mean really. Things changed when my SO and BM got divorced also. We have them Christmas Eve, She has Christmas Day. People adjust. You roll with it, because you have to. You don't then abandon your new family because you are so desperately trying to hold onto how things "were". He's a grown man, he should know that. He's not helping anyone. He's hurting 3 people, all to make himself feel better. It's ridiculously selfish. Kids adjust, and skids here are just fine with the new arrangement. I mean, they're no fools, they get twice the presents, they don't give a sh*t if BM is there to watch them open what we got them.
All your SO can do is make the most of the new life he has- which is a girlfriend, twin babies, and his son on Christmas day. If he wanted to see his son open his presents on Christmas day, he shouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place. You don't get to have it both ways buddy.
It is horrible, im with my
It is horrible, im with my partner 6 years now i have no children with him but he has two kids. I have never had christmas dinner with him as he has it with his xwife and kids and im left at home alone....im getting really sick of it now
Where is your family?
Where is your family? Given that he is so desperate to see his son at the exact Christmas moment to create the memories that he chooses, surely he should get that you want to do the same. Fair is fair, right? So go see your family with the baby and have a nice holiday in the manner that you choose. That just happens to be exactly the opposite of when he will be with his son and BM all snuggled up waiting for Santa. (puke) And you may want to do some serious thinking while you are munching on those Christmas cookies. Nothing says "Happy New Year" like a child support filing!
Lol. This is a fantastic idea
Lol. This is a fantastic idea.
I would NOT be home when he
I would NOT be home when he decided that he’d spent enough time with BM.
What kind of a present does he get for BM? Is it nicer than what he gets you? By his warped thinking your child is too young to notice what he gets you but he HAS to get BM something super duper special you know for their son’s sake.
He’s a total dickhead. Surely you can do better than him.
I think that’s totally
I think that’s totally unacceptable. When we were first dating, DH would sometimes get called over to ‘discuss the kids’ with BM after she had put the kids to bed. I put my foot down. It’s inappropriate that he’s going there, they are no longer a family, so why should they act like one?
I get that he wants to spend time with his son but it’s not appropriate that he spends time with BM too. It’s just confusing for the child too.
I also think it’s out of order that he thinks Christmas is ruined. He has a family with you now, surely that’s better than being alone, like he was before.
I think sometimes men are a bit dense, and don’t want to change the status quo. Would he be ok with you spending Xmas eve with your ex if the situations were reversed? Unless he’s VERY understanding, I doubt that he would be. I would be unfront and explain why you don’t like the situation. There has to be boundaries in these kinds of situations.
Also, generally Christmas Day
Also, generally Christmas Day alternates. We get the kids every other Xmas eve. Shouldn’t your stepson be there every other year on Xmas morning?
So many holiday meltdowns and
So many holiday meltdowns and mantrums on the forum this week!
I'm having PTSD flashbacks to Christmases past!!! Help!!!
My DH was also a drama queen --What about my Christmas morning?!?!?!! Boo hoo hoo hoo-- type. I indulged it for the first couple years and then I was very, very over it. And I don't even have kids with him. If I did and he had been leaving US to cater to his nearly-grown kids I would have lost it.
5 is a bit different as that's still a very young child...but seriously. I'd still be so mad if I were you.
People who sacrifice a new
People who sacrifice a new family to an old family just piss me off. I absolutely get that being away from a kid on a holiday is difficult for a parent. However, you do not sacrifice a new spouse and child on the alter of martyrdom to guilt over a past relationsiong and past relationship children.
People break up, shit happens (visitation schedules for example), life goes on.
If I were you I would grab DH by the short and curlies and inform him in no uncertain terms that 1. He will not abandon you and the new baby to spend time with his XW at her home... EVER! and .... 2. Beginning immediately he will initiate a visitation change to EOWE so that your family does not have to take a second seat to his prior family with an EOW visitation schedule.
Do not discuss it, do not dawdle, do it NOW!!!!
Of course the Skid is part of your family.. when the Skid is visiting per the schedule. When the Skid is not there... the rest of the family must be DH's focus and even when the Skid is there ... he gets no more focus than everyone else in the family.
I struggled with this same problem with my DH in the earlier years of our marriage. She would go into a blue funk when SS would leave for SpermLand visitation and would not do anything while he was gone because she felt guilty that he was not home to do it with us. Eventually I reached my limit on that shit and I put my foot down. No longer would I tolerate the sacrifice of our life to the SpermClan and SS's SpermClan visitation. PERIOD!!!
It took a couple of years to drag her kicking and screaming (figuratively of course) to clarity on this and eventually we learned to enjoy our non Skid time. If we did things that SS would enjoy... we would recycle some of those things when he came home. But never again did we give up our life for the blended family world. We forged the blended family world to fit our life.
Give it a try and good luck.
he's trying to play happy family
He is trying to play happy family with his ex and son, if I were you I would be fuming mad. If he wants Christmas with his son an every holiday he should have not gotten divorced!
I would be so mad at him and
I would be so mad at him and also so hurt for leaving you and the baby. My DH included me in Christmas Eve (his one holiday with SD) since we were dating. If i were in your position i would insist upon going to BM’s as well, with the baby, so that you and the baby can be included, and so that your stepson doesn’t get confused. If he cares enough to include you and the baby, then I’m sure it would be the last time BM invites your DH to her holiday...
Yuck, I wouldn’t like that at
Yuck, I wouldn’t like that at all, and IMO it is super inappropriate. If you have him Christmas Day what does it matter?! Why can’t you and the baby come too then? When the BM has a spouse will this still be acceptable?
What me and my ex do is we switch off every year..... one of us has Christmas Eve and morning and then the other comes and picks her up at 11 on Christmas Day and has her overnight and the next day- each year we rotate the schedule. It works perfect because no one ever misses out consisntently on any one thing (ie Christmas Eve/morning or Christmas dinner). Whoever’s house she goes to at 11 always waits to open presents until then. If my DH told me he was going to his ex’s for Christmas I would tell him to stay there.