Would your DH be teaching her to split and stack wood (or some other appropriate task) if he was still with BM? SD is there to learn from DH whatever he wants to teach her. If it's video games, bushcrafting,  baton twirling or riverdance.. it's your DH's time and BM has no right to interfere.

if the skids suddenly want to not "feel safe" then DH needs to insist on family counseling. Him, you and the skids once a week until the issue is resolved.

In most traditional families the kid would be helping absolutely. 

But sadly, here on this board you will find out CODs are different.

I helped my parents gather, chop, stack wood.  Clean a barn, take care of large animals, take out the trash, help clean the house.  And I turned out pretty darn well.  In fact, likely better prepared for 'real life' than most.  I even had a job at age 16!  AND did all the above.

I have never, to this day, been able to get DH to assign "chores" to the SDs.  The eldest is refusing to come over to our home any longer, so that's a moot point and different discussion.  He'll ask younger SD to empty the dishwasher on occasion, but that's it.  No regular chores.  She knows if I am there she is required to set the table for dinner, help clear it and help load the dishwasher.  That's all I can do.  However, she does keep her room clean, does her own laundry, cooks dinner for all of us every so often, and sometimes even cleans the kitchen if she's bored. 

But that's it.  No 'chores.'  DH will not make it her 'job' to bring in the mail (she walks right by the mailbox), take out the trash, or bring in the empty trash can on collection day (again, walks right by it).  I assigned her a job to pick up some things off the lawn (and offered cash) but she didn't do it - and I cannot enforce that so it was a reminder to me to not do that again (disengaged from some things).  She has on occasion helped us weed the yard or do yard chores though when the weather is better.

But you know what?  I can hardly get DH to do anything more sometimes either!  In fact, younger SD is usually more organized than he is.  She does a good job, but every so often I get a little annoyed that she doesn't have any "dirty" tasks - those are what, I think, are good for kids.  Work hard, learn to find a reward in it, in a job well done.  But that's hard to come by with CODs.

I think chores should be assigned, but it should be fair.  Dad and SM should not "save up" stuff for the one weekend a stepkid will be here.   DH and I have a teeny tiny yard, so not much outdoor work.  Everyone takes care of their own room, cleans bath after they use, and does laundry.  Everyone alternates cleaning up kitchen, helping prep, setting table. 

I think it is easier to assign work to a kid that is not yours.  

It's not BM's decision what happens at your house - yes, of course she should do chores, like every kid should. 

Of course you’re not wrong to DEMAND she helps. How would you treat her if BM never existed and she was magically your biological child? Of course a child shouldn't come for a “visit” and spend all weekend doing all the house work while parent and step parent sit in front of a TV but that’s not was going on. You have a house to run and a large chore that ALL members could assist with. You gave her by far the simplest task but heaven forbid we “inconvenience” a kid in any way. You could flip this around as BONDING time. One of my favorite experiences with my father was when he took me with him to load and deliver hay. I worked my *ss off beside him and got $20 for over 6 hours’ worth of WORK. I wanted to do it again because I was proud he let me help him and this was the man I HATED as a child.

SO’s kids help us around the house all the time. They are responsible for their own room but family chores are rewarded. The oldest is constantly asking if she can do this or that and surprises me to no end what she is capable of. Recently we started letting her take out the trash which I didn’t think she can do because we live in an apartment and have the giant dumpsters but somehow she manages to open it and throw it in by herself. I think she was happy to prove me wrong the first time. The little one LOVES that he gets to climb on the counter to put away dishes. And I’m not joking here but they have fought over who gets to move laundry from the wash to the dryer.

all I'm saying is that we can do an adult adoption. I'll move into SD's room, sleep til noon and stack all the firewood you want, clean the kitchen and have dinner on the table when you get home. Plus, the shoes I want are half the price. I'm available immediately.

You're helping SD to become a productive member of society when you make her help around the house.  All family members should help with things they are able to do, and it should give them a feeling of usefulness and belonging.  My SO's kids are 6 and 3, and they do chores.  They help clean their rooms, they pick up their toys, they run the vacuum, they take their plates to the sink.  During the fall they help with leaf pickup outside.  The little one helps me with laundry.  Often their "help" is more trouble than it's worth, but we have them do it anyway because if they start at a young age, chores and helping out the family will become second nature.  

It seems like the problem you have is that SD has never been expected to help, and she's not expected to help at BM's house.  That being the case, it's going to be harder to get her to do chores at your house, and there will be complaining, to both her father and her BM.  BM has no say in most of what you do or require of SD at your house.  I'd ignore BM.  But I would insist that SD help out around the house.  It's for her own good.

We absolutely do make all the kids do chores. They live here half of the time and they’re going to have stuff to do. I would give zero shits if BM gets pissy. Your house, your rules. 

Oh lawd... I need to go find my jaw somewhere on  the floor after reading that SD called her Mom to scold you guys about having SD help out around the house...
That sh!t would have an end put to immediately if it happened in my home! BM would be told to mind her own business in no uncertain terms and SD would be disciplined for her insubordination. 

My son(13) and SS(18) both have chores around my home and it is done. There is no quibbling about it. On the rare occassion, if it is not done, I will follow up as to why and normally there is a good reason. Otherwise as part of living in a shared house, there is a shared responsbility of duties to have a normal,  clean, functional house. I cannot abide dirt and filth - and in my house, I set the standards of what it looks like and what I want done. Don't like it? Live elsewhere!

I also have househelp that comes in twice a week. This is mainly for my convenience as I work full time and can use help keeping a clean house. It is cleaned thoroughly once a week - and the ironing is done on second day with a light clean up. My househelp is not the maid. She is not there to clean up after two boys who think they have zero household chores. Even with househelp, they are still responsible for thoroughly cleaning their rooms once a week (bedding change, vaccuming, polishing, etc) and keeping their shared bathroom cleaned - each clean it thoroughly once a week. I check!   In getting out of doing the dishes twice a week, they negotiated the option to cook twice a week... So that is a trade we made - and they cook together and do a good job of it.

Your house - your rules. Your SD can have whatever rules (or lack thereof)  at her Mom's house. It is not relevant to what goes on in your home. Your little princess SD needs to help out when you require and if she does not, she needs to feel the consequences of her decision. It is ridiculous to no assign responsibilty for chores or duty to kids - even the smallest duties around the house is a lesson in responsibility to others and themselves.

And if she refused.... no new shoes.  

Your hiuse has different rules than at BMs.  That is what a lot of BMs don’t get.  These COD need to learn there are different rules for different circumstances.  

Immediately after DH and I moved in together we had this issue.   We have a large wooded lot and we needed to pick up fallen sticks so DH could mow.   My BS and DHs two younger ones were helping.  YSS was quite young so BS was helping him and working with Him.  OSS was hiding in the house eating cookies.   DH didn’t say a word to oss because he was the golden child.   But DH got on my BS because he didn’t think he was helping enough (he was helping YSS and working with him). 

I totally lost my temper with DH and told him he needed to get OSS fat butt out of hiding and out here before he dare say a word to my kid.   Anytime oss was asked to do the smallest task, he would call BM and have her come get him. 

Niw DH has zero relationship with OSS (and MSS) because BM refused to allow DH to parent and DH became to afraid to parent.   The SSs learned early on they ran the show and lost all respect for DH. 

Stick to your guns, don’t reward bad behavior.  You can’t force her to stack wood but you can refuse to reward her for doing nothing.

I didn't read all the comments but I am sure they are going to be similar to mine. 

Kids do chores. It doesn't matter whose house they are at. There are responsibilies when you have a family. You contribute. Yes, she is there to learn to be a part of a family. That is what we teach our kids. Tell BM to shove it up her but. SD is perfectly capeable of helping around the house when she is there. She isn't Cinderella, but she is a kid that can help. 

If my bios ever pulled that on me I would be calling their dad to add 20 more chores to the list!

I make all my kids (SKs and bios) help around the house. 

Even the little one (2) helps to unload the dishwasher and lays placemats on the table. If I’m cooking dinner I ask the kids if they want to eat, then point out that it will be hard without plates and cutlery. They usually hop to it. 

I think at that age she should definitely be helping. I’m lucky because BM makes the SKs do quite a lot at her house, but even if she didn’t, I would still make them. I’d be furious if I was doing everything while the kids slept in until noon. You’re not a slave. I think everyone should contribute what they can to the household.