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Children's behaviour towards baby

Guiltriddenameteur's picture

This is a random one. I've found this forum quite helpful with my feelings towards my step kids but there's one thing that I'm massively struggling with. My youngest step son (7) is massively obsessed with his little sister - my biological daughter (1). Now I keep trying to tell myself he's only young and at the start when she was born I was so happy they all took well to her and seemed to love her so these worries haven't always been there. 

But fast forward 6 months - his obsession with her didn't stop. He got more and more obsessed to the point hed draw pictures of just him and her and say he wanted it to be just them. He'd glare at me and say things like "**** only wants ME" he's constantly mawling her even now at a year old. If she shows any interest in playing with her other bothers hed  physically turn her head to look at him. I can't leave him alone with her for even 5 seconds because he's all over her. 

He has no concept of personal boundaries and even his brothers have said "why are you so obsessed with her?" He drags her to him and tries to cuddle her and at one point she managed to get her hand free and poked him in the eye (good girl!) 

I just get this horrible uncomfortable feeling whenever hes around her. It gives me the creeps. Has anyone ever felt like this? Am I being paranoid? If I felt like this about all 3 of them id be telling myself to get a grip but it's literally just him. I just can't shake this uncomfortable feeling. When she's lying on the floor he's practically pinning her down with his legs over her and his arms so she can't move. Both me and their dad have to constantly tell him to get off her and give her space. But obvs dad doesn't see it the way I do. He thinks he's the most loving brother. I see it as manipulative and controlling and creepy. He'll snatch her toys and then make a chase game out of it so it looks like he's playing nicely but I see him snatch her toys. What is the normal behaviour of a young boy this age? I'm not an expert but surely by this age they understand something of personal boundaries and accepting when someone doesn't want them in their space? 

It's got the the point where I'm constantly on edge when they're here because I can't settle until my daughter is in bed and the monitor is on so I can make sure he doesn't go in and disturb her. I can't let him sit in the back of the car next to her because he doesn't leave her alone. It literally pushes my stress levels through the roof! 

Any advice is welcome but please don't bash me. I know he's only 7 but I have nieces and nephews the same age and they don't act like this. His brother is only a year older and he doesn't act like this. And I can't shake this uncomfortable feeling no matter how I try to rationalise it all. 

shellpell's picture

Keep him away as much as possible. THis sounds very abnormal. You are the mother and you are responsible for keeping your baby safe.

ESMOD's picture

It sounds like the kind of behavior that a kid might have with a pet.  Oh.. look the puppy likes ME more than YOU.  

It may be that the boy feels a bit lost in the MIX.. but while he may not have any bad intentions..he needs to learn that his sister is NOT a posession.  She is an individual child and she is part of the family .. and that while she is his sister.. she is also the sister of the other kids.. and you and your SO are the parents.  It's not a contest who she loves most.  

It's like she is a toy he wants to hoard.. your DH wouldn't allow him to have an unnatural attachment to a toy to the point he wouldn't share with his siblings right? 

While the underlying affection may not be wrong.. he is being allowed to behave improperly when it comes to her.. and you and your DH need to stop him.

"We know you love your sister, but she isn't a toy and we are her parents.  she is not your posession and she doesn't love you or anyone more than anyone else.. "

Guiltriddenameteur's picture

Thank you everyone. I certainly don't let any harm come to her. He often turns hot and cold on her too. Like he'll be all nicey nicey and the next moment he will be shouting go away and he pushed her the other day and I did shout. 

My OH does tell him to get away and leave her alone and again hed never let him hurt her but like I said he doesn't see it the way I do. He think he just loves her and is affectionate and caring. I've not told him how I feel about it but he knows I struggle to cope with how obsessed he is with her. I often said to him when he'd say she only wants him that she loves them all the same Nf they are all her brothers but he just doesn't care about any of that.

I'm just hoping that as he gets older he will mature. I just worry that he doesn't understand the concept of brother and sister. 

Not only that but he has been very violent in the past at school. Already being excluded 6 times because of the safety of other kids. He's just so unpredictable I worry that one day the brother who has seemed so loving that my daughter may grow to love and trust would just blow up and put her in danger. I could go on and on about my worries. He also wants her to have a sleep over at his mum's. No chance! My daughter is going nowhere near that nut job. Obvs OH is completely with me on that and we are trying to make him understand that she is nothing to do with his mum. 

He always does what I tell him. Gets angry but doesn't disobey me. But he had sworn at his dad which I never thought would ever happen and he is extremely naughty for his mum from what his brother comes back and tells us. I don't know why he behaves for me. He maybe knows if he swore at me hed be out of the house quicker than the F word came out of his mouth. 

Jcksjj's picture

Oh yeah, when SD is near my one child (now 20 months) I have a deep instinctual reaction to it. That she needs to be away from him. I dont like her around my ODS9 because shes always been a bully to him, but that's on a much more rational level. With the younger one it's just the automatic mama bear instinct that shes a threat to him. I also have a 5 month old, but shes never even looked at him hardly I dont think, so I have no idea how I would react to that. With the 20 month old, the mama bear instinct ha already proven to be correct a couple of times. 

As far as the obsession- I'm not really sure. My ODS loves both younger brothers, but for some reason the youngest hes more attached to. I have no idea why. I think some people just automatically click with each other.

Guiltriddenameteur's picture

My OH thinks he's so obsessed because she looks like him. Yes she might have brown eyes and dark skin like him and his eldest brother and maybe she did a little when she was born but her face is changing now and personally I don't see it anymore...or maybe I just don't want to. Everyone else who knows the boys through their mum when they see us all will say "oh doesn't she just look the spit of ****" 

I feel like saying FOFF! She's nothing liking him and certainly will never act like him. Argh!!! Xx

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Listen to your inner voice - it is trying to tell you something. You don't have the same feeling about the other kids, so it is not you overreacting. A 7 year old should know, or needs to learn, that he needs to respect the space of others, especially girls. A 1 year old is old enough to indicate whether she is interested in contact or not, and he needs to learn to respect her wishes.

Keep doing what your are doing, don't leave them alone together. The fact that he has been in trouble at school for being violent is reason enough to worry about him and your daughter.

SecondGeneration's picture

Oh dear, you need to remember one simple thing; animal instincts. 

Little boys are odd, facts of life, but for some reason SS has identified and tried to display ownership of baby as his object. Not person, hes objectifying the baby. 

You need to let yourself go mama bear on his ass. 

Unfortunately it sounds like it's a problem thsts been allowed to fester and grow so it's going to take more work now. 

Whilst DH is their ultimate authority as hes the parent.  You are the ultimate authority for your baby girl and you need to make sure SS knows it. 

Guiltriddenameteur's picture

I was just so happy that they all took to her well at the beginning. The child I was actually worried about before she was born was the kids brother 9. But he's absolutely great! The younger one seemed very sweet and loving at the beginning and we all thought it was really sweet and wonderful and he was going to be a great big brother. I don't know what changed. Something must have happened to give me these feelings. I thank you for all your input. I was worried I was just being paranoid and over reacting as I don't know what behaviour is normal for young boys but I will certainly be making sure I keep on with watching him like a hawk and moving her away from him when he starts mawling her. 

I'm not sure if OH has similar concerns of if he just knows SS is too much but he also tells him constantly to leave her alone and get off her. But after 6 months of being told this 15 times in 2 hours you'd think he'd realise and stop but he just keeps doing it. 

Thanks everyone for your advice xxx

Winterglow's picture

"But after 6 months of being told this 15 times in 2 hours you'd think he'd realise and stop but he just keeps doing it. "

It's time to have a long chat with your DH. When a child is told not to do something and then does it again and again and again and again he's not being disciplinedappropriately. A parent who lets him continue to disobey is not doing his job. Point this out to your DH. The child is not being loving to his sister he's being defiant towards his parent. 

Bottom line: Tell your DH that if he won't do his job right that you will do it for him. I bet the first time you jump to your feet and yell "LEAVE MY DAUGHTER ALONE (add "or I'll give you what for" if you feel so inclined")!" he'll react.

Sorry to say, you have just another lazy husband...

Guiltriddenameteur's picture

I disagree that he's lazy. He does shout at him but I tell him to get off her constantly too and he doesn't listen to either of us when it comes to her. Well he does at the time and he comes away from her...But then he just goes back again and again and again and every time the cycle just continues. He just hasn't learned that when he is all over her he will be told off so just don't do it in the first place. 

I just want to point out that so far (apart from pushing her that one time and shouting go away in her face and sometimes calling her names as if he's joking - he gets told off for that too) his behaviour is questionably from an outsiders point of view judt a young boy excited to see his sister and doesn't realise how over excited he is. This is why I came here and I was hoping someone would tell me 7 years olds generally do act like this with kids. It's the possessive and controlling thing that worries me. I once told him he couldn't control her now she can move herself and his face looked like hed chewed a wasp  he didn't like that. To an outsider watching them they'd probably say just keep an eye And tell him to not be so rough give space etc. it's probably nothing to worry about but it's the things he says usually to me without his dad around that make the situation most concerning. It's so hard to explain but I guess as a few of you have said if I can sense something isn't right then it maybe isn't. 

shellpell's picture

Keep them physically apart. Don't give hjm a chance to try over and over dh needs to implement stricter punishment.

Rags's picture

6mos?  Once should have sufficed and that Skid would have been unable to put his backside on any seating surface for the rest of his life.  

I get the sense that this is one of those "Other than the obvious Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" things.  

Take care of yourself and your child.  The rest of that shallow and polluted gene pool needs to be a write off.

Good luck.

shamds's picture

Off and give your kid space. He refuses you tell hubby he sorts it out right now.

my toddler son has allergies he’s anaphylactic to eggs, severely allergic to cat dander. Sd’s have 3 cats at home and cat hair always on them and they refuse to obey me when i say don’t feed my kids whatever, you ask me first because often they feed inappropriate stuff and when i tell them no they say ok we’ll do whatever.

nope when i say NO once its a NO!!

hubby actually told his eldest daughter few days ago that they were very inappropriate doing that and that they alwyas had to ask me. She claimed they didn’t know which i called bullshit on hubby because i told the sd’s very clearly no and they thought they were more superior and had more authority than me on my kids.