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Childless Stepparent - not by choice

BuffyC86's picture

It's interesting how your life turns out compared to the one you imagined when you were younger. If you would have asked me 10 years ago what my plans were, I would tell you that I wanted to graduate with a degree in Zoology, join the Peace Corps, be married by the time I was 24/25, have 2-3 kids, and live happily ever after.

Fast forward to now: I am the stepparent to 2 kids, SS7 and SD5, with no kids of my own. No degree. And no Peace Corps. Before we got married, my husband and I had a discussion about the things we wanted to do with our lives. He said he wanted to travel the world, which I wanted to do as well. We both love traveling. So this wasn't an issue. I told him it was really important for me to have my own child. He agreed that he'd get his vasectomy reversed (his ex made him get it when he was 22 years old...), and we could try to have a kid.

Well, about 3 months ago I found out that I have a septate uterus, which ultimately means that if I ever tried to conceive, I'd have an 88% chance of having a miscarriage. And if I carried to term, it would be a long, hard, and painful pregnancy. But, it's operable with a high success rate. The only problem is, it's expensive. Add that to the cost of having a vasectomy reversal, and we're already paying the price for a nice car, all to have a kid. So, my husband changed his mind. He told me he didn't want to have anymore kids. That he was happy with just the 2. In fact, he almost seemed relieved when he found out I had a septate uterus. It broke my heart. It's STILL breaking my heart. I love his kids A LOT, they're really good kids, but I don't know how I'm ever going to heal from this. Is it better to leave him, hoping to find someone that wants the same things I do, but possibly ending up being single AND childless forever? Or do I stay, hoping that he'll change his mind? And if he doesn't, living with some feelings of resentment and bitterness? I just don't know what to do. I feel like the BM has all of the power in this (we share custody of the kids 50/50), she's the mother of the children, and I'm just on the sidelines. I have no say in those kids' lives. And what if in 15 years, my husband decides to leave me? Then I'm completely alone....motherless.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

MacMom's picture

I find it sad that your hubs "changed his mind" without your input; sounds like.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I do know that fighting for bio children of one's own CAN break up a marriage...but for what?. Here's some things I think you can consider.

Which do you love more? Your hubs and your current situation (that reads very nice for a stepfamily), or the slim possibility of leaving, finding someone, trying to conceive, maybe, all in good time? I think you might decide to "leave" for a very unsure, unpredictable, sad future. But, don't count on DH changing his mind. And I do think you are realistic to understand that you are just a bonus to the skids and don't expect motherly things from each other - nor will in the future either. You both have found yourselves between a rock and a hard place, I'm sorry. Would you (and possibly DH) be open to some counseling together to work through this together? I don't think you should have to do this alone, for sure.

BuffyC86's picture

We actually are going to couple's therapy at the end of the month. The thing is, we only got married about 5 months ago. How can one change their mind so quickly in 5 months? I just found out 3 months ago about my uterus, and that's when he decided to not have kids, it seems. But it wasn't a hard decision for him, that's for sure.

StickAFork's picture

I'm sorry you're facing this. Sad

First, V reversals seem to have a low success rate. I've known several who've had it done, and not ONE pregnancy has resulted. Combine that with your health issues, and I don't think a "bio" baby is the best idea.
What about adopting? That would still be "your" child and would give a child a loving home. It is expensive, too, but with a higher success rate. Smile

BuffyC86's picture

I feel like you're probably right, StickAFork. But I feel that if I don't at least try, I'm going to regret NOT doing it forever. But maybe that's just being selfish.

hippiegirl's picture

Wait....his ex MADE him get snipped when he was 22? WTF? He may be happy with just the two, but what about your happiness? Does that not matter to him?

StickAFork's picture

I wonder how she "made" him do it. What, drugged him and brought his nuts to the Dr? Um, no. He did it willingly. He may regret it now, but that's different.

bi's picture

i would leave. i told fdh years ago when he didn't want another kid and i did that if we want different things out of life, there's no point in being together. it isn't fair for dh to tell you he's happy with what he has with no regard to you not having what you want. F him. i would be leaving and opening myself up to someone who wanted the same things i did.

doll faced sm's picture

I agree whole heartedly. Make sure you're willing to follow through with the ultimatum, though, before you give it. If you issue an empty threat, he'll just realise he can walk all over you with no consequences.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

It's a deal breaker. You need to start living for YOU. Not him and not his kids. You will resent/regret it later on in life. If he is truly the best man you know, he would have taken your feelings and health issues into consideration before he eagerly changed his mind. You don't get to mislead to your wife for years and then say "oppsies, I changed my mind whewwww...that was easy". BS

I have never heard of a 22 year getting a V. Most Drs would not perform that on him at that young age.

WickedStepMom18's picture

SASM - hit the nail on the head. My SO sat there for 10 years pretending to want another child. Why pretend? Because his freakin' gravy train would walk out the door if she'd known what he really wanted. Which was simply a mother for his child. I am OK with him not wanting another child now because it actually opens the world up to me. I am not sure he'll survive his decision! Meaning - it's a deal breaker. I don't actually care if I don't find someone to have a child with. I would rather be alone, childless with lots of dogs than being "used" for my maternal skills!!!

stormabruin's picture

I am also a childless stepparent. My DH had a vasectomy at BM's request after SD was born. BM walked away the last time when SD was 2.

I also grew up with plans of having several children.

DH & I discussed a vasectomy reversal, but with the court battles & child support & all, along with the low chance of success, there was no way we could justify it. In my situation, that was understood before we got married. It was something I struggled with, but it was a conscious choice I made & something I accepted before choosing to marry him.

I share the same sadness you express, about being alone. Someone else blogged not too long ago about this. What makes me more sad than not being able to raise my own children is the idea that one day I will be old & alone with no one. I don't worry that DH will leave me or that things won't work out between. I feel like our marriage is good. He carries extra weight & he's a smoker. Both of his parents are diabetic. His dad passed at 57 with heart disease. DH's health history combined with his smoking habit & extra weight doesn't give him the outlook for a long life. My family's health history is cancer. People in my family live long lives, but they have been drawn out in illness.

My biggest fear is losing DH & being alone with no one to help me or care for me.

I realize it isn't written in stone, but it's what comes to my mind when I think ahead to the future.

I don't mean to be a downer. If I had the choice to make again, it wouldn't change. I don't wish for a life with anyone else. I just struggle with what's to come later in life.

I'm sorry your DH changed his mind without considering your feelings. (((Hugs)))

stormabruin's picture

I have been wanting to go back to school. It seems the program I have an interest in is only offered during the day. They don't have night or weekend classes, so I'd have to find a FT job with at least equal pay to work evenings while I go.

As for thinking about something that will help me cope with being alone in my older age specifically...I can't even make myself focus on planning for that. I know I should, but I can't get my mind to go anywhere beyond the sad feelings.

stormabruin's picture

LOL! I'm sure, based on our household income, that I could qualify for grant money. I don't know how much. Loans are always an option, but I keep hearing about people who are graduating with obligations to loans & are unable to find jobs to pay them. That scares me.

I work in accounting. I'm not an accountant, as I have no degree, but my first job in HS was in an accounting department. It's what I've always done. It's what I have experience in so it's what I've stuck with.

I.HATE.IT.

I'm good at it, but I hate it. I hate balancing numbers. I hate balancing bank statements. I hate coding & processing paperwork. I hate filing. I hate sitting at a desk.

It's easy work. I have plenty of free time in my day (obviously). I don't like desk work.

I want to get into an Ultrasound program, but it's only offered during the day.

DH is an excavator. The construction market sucks & he's been laid off 4 times in the last year, so my job has been the only consistent income we've had. Even with school, I HAVE to know that I can pull enough income, as DH will likely be laid off again just because winter will be here again soon.

I do need to make a change. This job doesn't offer any progress, & frankly, I don't want to waste anymore time.

stormabruin's picture

I would have to do 4 years to complete the Ultrasound program. It requires a 2-year Radiography program before you can apply for the Ultrasound.

You're the 3rd person, just today, to remind me that change is good. LOL! It terrifies me, but DH will jump to remind me that "The only thing consistent is change". Yeah, yeah. Biggrin

Annoyed1's picture

I can COMPLETELY relate to this!!!!! My DH had 2 boys from his previous relationship. He had them when he was really young. When we first met he wanted more kids and I was going to college so I didn't want any!! Now, I'm finished school and want to start my life and NOW he's saying that he doesn't want anymore!!! We've talked about it and he said that he will if it makes me happy, but I don't want it to be like that. I've waited to get my shit together BEFORE I had kids and now I'm ready and he's not willing Sad It breaks my heart that he has 2 kids with his ex that he said claimed to be on birth control and wasn't and I'm here, HIS WIFE, and he doesn't want to have any with me. I'm good enough to marry but not good enough to have kids with. It makes me resent his kids and I really like them. They are really good boys. I just don't know what to do. I love my husband, but like you said, what if in 15 years we break up... then what? He still has his 2 kids and I have who? No one Sad

TheBrightSide's picture

I met DH when I was 37. He had one SD6. He too had a vasectomy. We married when I was 39. Before we were married we made a deal to try to have a child together. We chose to try IVF because he didn't want a vasectomy reversal and with time not on our side, IVF was the better choice.

Two successful IVF rounds each resulted in miscarriages. 2009 was the WORST year of my life. He told me afterward that he never wanted more children. He did the IVF to appease me and didn't think it would work...and it didn't. Which explained his lack of involvement during the grittiness of the treatment. The many appointments, the hormone injections....I should have known when he turned around and silently walked away when I showed him the first positive test in our bathroom.

My grief and his inability to support me in the grief ended our marriage.

Then he wanted to reconcile. I had to make a decision. At the time I was 41 years old. I could walk away and continue my life on my own and find someone to adopt with me (My chances of having a biolgical child at 41 plus years was non-existent at this point). Or I could choose him.

I chose him. Do I regret it sometimes. Absolutely. Do I resent him. Sometimes yes.

Now, on my BEST days I have a life that includes a wonderful, supportive, handsome husband and an SD11 who loves me. I have a fantastic career that pays me a lot of money. I have the perfect life. I don't have to worry about SD11 like I would my own biological daughter. If she annoys me, I can walk away. I don't have to deal with her if I don't want to. My husband does all the grunt work of raising her. She greats me with a hug when I come home from work and wants nothing more but to hang out with me.

On my worst days, she is not my daughter. I won't pick out wedding dresses with her. If I think she should be in bed at a decent time, I swallow my annoyance and walk away. My husband was married to a fucking narcisstic bitch for 5 years, had a child with her, then stayed for another 5 years, whom he claimed he never loved.....yet he didn't want a child with me. I have a female coleague who was pregnant at the same time I was (the second time). We peed on the stick the same day and were pregnant at exactly. She didn't miscarry. We are in competition for the next promotion and her baby practically lives in daycare. I have a living reminder of my failed pregnancy and wonder how the universe would give her this blessing only to be a "career woman" [I had planned to go part time]. My plan was always to have my own children...not to be a Career Woman until I retire!! But here I am.

So. My advice. Decide what it is you REALLY want. Do you REALLY want a child? Why? (Its likely you do...because of some, magic inexplicable reason).

I can guarantee you, you WILL resent this man. You're young. You can adopt a child with a man who wants to adopt with you. If you really want to, you will find a way. Get a second medical opinion.

My heart goes out to you. And all the "childless not by choice" stepmothers.

Rachel81's picture

I know how you feel, but my situation isn't as complicated. I told my DH of one year that I wanted to have a child of my own. He already has one of his own and I don't have much of a say in SD11 life either. Alot of the time I feel that I am alone because they have eachother no matter what. I gave up my chance when I was younger 16yrs to have my own because I was too young to take it on. My one promise to myself in life was to have one of my own. I have been very good to SD and DH and I feel I deserve that. My DH has always joked that he doesn't want another one, but I could never tell if he was serious. Once we got married he said that he would like to have one with me, but when he is ready. We are both in our 30's and have been married a year. I would like to start trying and he always says he is going to try harder, but doesn't try every time. I wonder if he will ever really try or be ready. I worry that this will break up our marriage because it is something that I want. Mind you I do want it with him and I am not yet ready to settle without one.

Orange County Ca's picture

This guy doesn't want more kids. End of subject. He was lieing or sticking his head in the sand when he said he did. If somehow you work it around and have a kid(s) with this guy he'll never be happy about it and likely treat his second family as secondary.

You will be well off to drop the subject with this guy. Should you get out of the relationship and find another guy is your decision but my advise to every childless woman is to marry a childless man. There are millions out there - why settle for second class citizenship?

TheBrightSide's picture

Orange, yours is a simplistic response to a complicated situation.

If truths were told in the beginning by these men, prior to marriage, then the OP and I would have been given an opportunity to re-evaluate our decision to marry, PRIOR to marriage. But when we are told by these men "yes, I want to have a child with you" (and in defense to them..it could be they told us these untruths because of fear of losing the awesome women they've found), then, of course, this complicates matters, but it doesn't make US culpable or responsible for the situation we're in. We didn't "settle" because we didn't have the correct information to beging with.

Also OP, don't consider yourself "a second class citizen" like Orange suggests. I certainly don't consider myself to be one. I'm FIRST in my life. I'm second to no one.

Good luck to you OP.

And ORANGE, I wish finding a normal, hard working, kind, supportive, sexy, smart childless man were just that easy.....(sigh). (I'll let my single friends know that there are "millions" out there).

ownedbypedro's picture

Nearly every post he writes states that "there are millions of childless men out there." I think he has counted them.

TheBrightSide's picture

Or they live in Botswana. Why did I never travel to Botswana to find this miracle man? Sigh.