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Childless Step mom dealing with hard issues

ctedrow's picture

I have been with my husband since my stepdaughter was 5 months old. She will be turning 7 soon. She has always known life with her father and I together. Recently my husband expressed he no longer wanted anymore children even though he knew my desire to have a child. Told me for years he would be ready eventually. Broke my heart when he finally admitted he already had the child he wants and doesnt want any more even though my stepdaughter asks me daily when I will give her a sibling. Yesterday she came home from school excited to show me a picture she drew. The picture was Mommy, Daddy, her and a baby all holding hands. I asked "Is this your mommy and daddy?" Her: Yes. Me: Why did you draw Mommy and daddy holding hands with you and another baby?" Her: Because that is what I want."

I choked back the tears, smiled and told her it was a lovely picture and placed it back in her back pack as she wanted to bring it to her mother. 

I was so taken by surprise since she has only known life with her father and I together as her bio mom and da split when she was 2 months old. It also stung harder after just last week my husband telling me he will not have a child with me and I expressed I felt like I didn't have a family to belong to even though we have been a "family" for almost 7 years.

My question is, am I being overly emotional because of the recent events or do I have valid feelings?

I cant express enough how step parenting is not for the weak. I have struggled with it the most recently even after all these years. Looking for some support. 

Merry's picture

Aw, hon, this is heartbreaking. I guess you need to take some time to decide if you want a child more than the marriage. That’s not a wrong or right thing—what do YOU need most?

 

ctedrow's picture

I completely agree with you. I keep bouncing back and forth with would having my own child actually give me a more fufilling life or can I have a fufilling life without one. It is so hard because I love children. Not only do I have one step daughter but I am the aunt to 6 nephews and neices and godmother to 3 of them. I am very active in all of their lives and to be honest, it hurts really bad when they all are running to their moms first because I dont have that.

Is that selfish?? IDK

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Oh dear. Some people believe that if they haven’t said a definite yes or no answer to something they can bend all variants of the truth and string stuff out. 

“He told me for years he would be ready eventually”

Did you have a discussion with your husband whereby he said ‘yes’ to wanting more kids, before you got married.

You may want to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and you seem quite upset. 

I think you deserve better. 

ctedrow's picture

Yes, I was very up front with my want for children before marriage. He told me then he didn't think he could do it. I told him I respected his decision and even though I loved him more than anything, I didn't think getting married our basically wasting each others time anymore was fair to either of us since we both wanted separate things. His words back to me was that he just wasnt ready at that moment but yes, he would love to have a child with me everntually. I honestly am starting to believe he was trying to wait me out till getting pregnant on my own was more difficult. 

Because I was so upfront about it, we picked a name, discussed it multiple times and told family.....this stings more

SteppedOut's picture

He LIED to get you to marry him.

If you really want your own child (it sounds like you very much do!), then you REALLY need to reconsider this marriage (built on a LIE). Do not suffer the regret of never becoming a mother.

ctedrow's picture

I am starting to believe this is true.

Thank you. I think he believes since I have never felt the joys of motherhood, what am I going to miss?? When I explained to him the thought of me dying and there being no piece of me left behind scared me he thought I was being dramatic. I said how do you think you would feel when your lifes possessions are tossed in a box and your niece and nephews fight over who takes it because no one really wants it. 

Its hard to think about. 

ESMOD's picture

First, the little girl is 7.  She really doesn't comprehend the full facets of adult relationship.  She likely has friends at school with baby siblings.. she wants one..so she puts this "ideal of a family" down on paper.  She isn't thinking it fully through that that picture would mean you would be out of her life.  If you had pointed out that it would make you sad to leave her.. she likely would have been confused. 

But, the really hard and unfair part of your situation is the fact that your husband sold you a bill of goods and then decided that he would unilaterally make a decision about your life... ie he changed his mind about wanting another child.

I'm sorry honey.. you can't let him off the hook on this one.  You definitely need to get a better answer from him.. go to counseling if need be.

Finally, if he won't change his mind, you do have the hard choice.  Stay or leave.. if having a child is very important to you.  Staying and helping to raise someone else's child when you have been denied the opportunity to have your own?  Your husband clearly doesn't know what he is asking from you..or if he does.. he is not the kind of person I would want to be married to.

I would press him for more than the superficial reasons.  WHY does he not want another child?

is it financial? does he think there aren't enough resources?

is he worried about more time he feels he doesn't have to devote to another child.

is he thinking your relationship is on shaky legs and he doesn't want to be in another custody fight?

is he worried you will want to stay home and he doesn't want to be the only income earner?

is he worried that his daughter will resent the new baby (despite her obvious interest in having one?)

Once you have your answers.. you can try to put your perspective on things.. and perhaps allay some of his fears and worries.  You can also give him the reasons why this was so important to you and how it could become such a source of resentment that it could end things.

ctedrow's picture

Thank you!

Yes, my first thought was shes a child, she was probably talking about family at school and most of the other children in her class come from one home so I certainly tried to check myself in that aspect. I think I just got so emotional because she has never known life with them together (to give a back story, the met, got together, got pregnant, had their daughter, broke up all within a years time). He and I have known each other since we were kids (going on 16 years) and then on a weird struck of luck walked into the same restaurant one day and started dating.

The BM has also never been a nice person to me. She is a mother of four and grandmother of 2 that believes everything happens on her time or everyone suffers. Doesnt matter her. My husband and I have also had issues with them "emotionally" interacting with each other and when I confronted him with it, he apologized and told me he wanted to work on us, it was all a lie etc. I chose in that moment to work on us as this whole family life was part of our plan.

When I pressed more into the issue he said he doesnt want another child because " He had the child he wanted and its with her". I asked why he lied all those years and he said he thought he would change his mind. He is not one to talk calmly in a heated situation so of course emotions were everywhere. 

Due to his outrageous monthly child support payment (he pays more than double what other men pay in the state bc he also does not have a parenting plan through the court system so the courts do not count our 15 days with her a month as overnights since it is not documented) I am the bread winner. I pay all of our bills, everything is in my name even down to his car so I almost think he stays with me for the stability which also puts pressure on me.

Over the last 7 years of being together we have had many ups and downs but always chose each other and worked through them and I thought came out stronger because of that. Maybe I was just foolish but I am starting to believe our marriage or even our friendship is not as strong as we thought.

Please do not get me wrong... I love my SD like no one else. I am her doofy and she is my goofy. It is the names we have been calling each other since she could speak. I feel I might be holding on to my marriage more bc I am scared to hurt her so I let my husband hurt me in the process (by telling me late in the game he doesnt want a baby)

Sorry for that rant.....I feel I have no one to talk to

ESMOD's picture

Point blank... why is it ok for him to be able to have "the child he wanted..ie her".. when you don't get that same opportunity to have the child YOU wanted.  There IS a difference between being a SM and a mother.. and he KNEW that being a mother was important to you.. and he has no right to question your motivations for wanting one.. easy for him to dismiss them as being dramatic.

Honestly, I would be very close to wanting to leave the marriage over this.  Because he is being one sided.. only HIS desires are valid?  You just have to suck it all up? 

And.. FFS... it's ridiculous that he doesn't have a custody plan set so that he can have more reasonable CS.

I think he sounds worse by the minute.. I am so mad on your behalf.

I am a early 50's SM... with my DH for 16 years.. I never had kids of my own.. but have worked and sacrificed for my DH's.  It's not always easy.. though I do care for my SD's.

ctedrow's picture

I am extremely close to leaving the marriage but my heart has not caught up to my head yet.

Granted I am only sharing the bad things about my husband but I have loved him for many years and for many reasons and to be honest I am overly scared to lose him. (as crazy as that sounds I guess)

It took the BM over 5 years to finally meet me. I have never been disrepectful, never crossed boundaries and was treated terribly becasue in my mind, I was doing all of this to better my family. 

I am 31 years old, I know from a health stand point my clock is ticking to have a baby healthy and naturally. Have you ever regretted not having your own and had a wonderful life?

I work long days and weeks sometimes even traveling across the country to provide for my husband and SD. I know they appreciate my sacrificies because it allows us to have a beautiful home and necessities but I am scared. I am scared that I wont ever have the life I dreamed of.

I choose not to speak with family members because I never want to tarnish ther view on my husband or our situation so this has been building up for years. 

ESMOD's picture

This is a tough one.  Yes.. part of me regrets not having a child of my own.  I love my SD's.. well.. I love the younger one.. the older one... we get along.. but she is not my type of person. (they are both adults now.. I was with dad from the time they were 5 and 9 yo long split up from their mom when we met).  But, they aren't "mine" and they will always.. always have their mother and have loyalty to her.  Don't get me wrong.. YSD and I get on famously and she will even joke about her crazy mom with me.. she chose ME to go on a trip with her over her mom to go on a job interview in the carribean. etc.. she calls me for advice.  It's still not a total mom/daughter relationship... more like an AUNT.

But, I was not particularly maternal person.  I chose badly with a first husband that I met in my late 20's..he was such an irresponsible person himself.. I KNEW having a child would be a mistake.  We divorced.  I then made another horrid choice of a BF for a couple years.. then met my current DH when I was in my later 30's.  By then, I thought I would maybe be "ok" with having a child.. but nothing happened naturally and I never felt we were financially secure enough to warrant going to extreme measures (my husband had his own businesses over time.. ) So.. here I am 53. no kids of my own.

Don't get me wrong, I have an interesting job and do well salary wise.  We travel and I have an interesting life.. that honestly is a logistical nightmare (long story but DH works in another state for 8+ months a year).  So.. I know that logically a child would have been complicating too.. but there is still that nugget of regret that I didn't get to experience what so many other women have been able to. and my sacrifices have only been for children that in the end.. aren't mine.

Can people live a happy, childless life? sure.. of course.  Children are not what defines us really.. and not the only way to impact the world.  But, if it's important to you.. it is important to YOU.  Unfortunately, I think your DH did something very selfish.. he wasn't honest... or didn't feel he could be honest without losing you.  He tried to tell you he didn't want kids.. so you told hiim that was a deal breaker.. so he goes into "well.. maaaaayyyybe down the line.. I'm just not ready now".. he kicked the can down the road and gave you enough of a hook to stay in the picture.

Honestly, if having kids is important to you.. I think you need to go to your doctor to actually figure out where you stand with the possibility of becoming a mother.  are there any fertility issues etc?  They may be able to give you some guidance on timelines and when you need to be come super serious about it.. also options on freezing your eggs perhaps so that you could have a child later with "young eggs"..etc.. so you could have some time to work on your current relationship if you think this is a salvageable situation..

I think you really should go to counseling together.. but alone if that's all you can do.  I see in your case that you will have a lot of regret and that can be a cancer to your relationship.

ctedrow's picture

I greatly appreciate your feedback.

He does not like the idea of counseling. I have suggested it a handful of times. He feels we can handle it ourselves when in reality like you said it just gets kicked down the road till we meet it again.

I have considered going to therapy myself. Working with my healthcare provider to see what options may be. I do have an appt in october with my dr to discuss those options. I want to make sure I have all information before I make any life changing decisions.

ESMOD's picture

Freezing your eggs may be a good option.  Because obviously the older we get.. the less viable our eggs are and the more chances of issues.  I think that carrying the baby later also has some risks.. but not as many if you would be using eggs from when you were younger.  I think it's an option some people use when they have to go through a treatment that might make them infertile etc.. but, it might buy you a few more years of thinking.

But.. in the end, def get therapy for you to work through your own issues.  It absolutely is a good idea to not poison the well with friends and family because if you DO decide to stay with your husband.. that can get messy.

ctedrow's picture

I agree. If I ultimately make the decision to stay, I don't want the judgement of others family or friends because they do not agree with my decision!

I am certainly going to talk to my dr about that option. I am still young but I want to make sure I do not ruin my chances later on if I decide to!

NotURMomma's picture

Your asshole “husband” is using you for your money. He didn’t take seven years to decide to deny you your own children. He strung you along so he could keep taking YOUR MONEY. Rather than taking his ex to court to get his C$ obligation reduced.

Likely, he waited this long to set a precedent so he can screw you over in divorce court.

He is a piece of shit!

ctedrow's picture

I would be lying if I said this never crossed my mind. 

We have seen a lawyer to get his parenting rights established and modify CS and a custody plan in order because currently his BM asks him to jump and he asks her when and how high.

We cant even live our lives when we dont have his daughter due to her always needing us to take my SD at the last minute because her sitter fell through on her days. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

My answer to people who don’t believe they can love more than one child is this: 

when I was pregnant with my second child I was worried that I wouldn’t love the second child as much as the first. I couldn’t imagine loving anything else that much, it was almost as if I believed my heart ‘didn’t have room’. After the birth of my second baby, my heart literally doubled in size. I now have four kids and a massive heart (for my kids anyway). I can be a bit frosty to some other human being though Blum 3

ctedrow's picture

Right! It is possible. I am the last and fourth child in my family. I aked him do you think my parents love me any less than they love my three brothers??

I dont understand how single minded people can be!

ashes54's picture

You absolutely have valid feelings! You were upfront about wanting to have children of your own, and he let you believe that he would eventually be ready to do that with you. For him to now say it isn't going to happen is completely unfair. He has taken years from your life and your possible happiness by not being upfront with you. Some people are ok not having children of their own, some people have great loving relationships with their step children that fulfills them enough on their own, some people know they want to have children of their own. We are all different and only you know what you truly want and are willing to settle for. Poor choice of words there, you shouldn't have to settle... Anyway, being 31, although your clock is ticking, is still plenty of time to have a child of your own. Some might even feel that's an ideal age to do it. If you know in your heart you want to have a child of your own, then you may need to reevaluate your situation and the marriage you're in. Perhaps have another very serious talk with your husband about this. It's great he has a child and is satisfied with that, but how does he possibly think it is ok of him to deny you that same happiness? Your SD is old enough now that it wouldn't be difficult to add a baby to the family, she is probably relatively self sufficient. It's not like having a toddler and a newborn, that can be crazy. I think you deserve an explanation at the very least as to why he told you he wanted to have a child with you at some point, and now he no longer does. He already have his daughter when you and him had this conversation so for him to say that he has the child he wants doesn't work.

I'm truly so sorry you are going through this. It's hard to be in such a position of choosing between your husband (and I'm assuming the SD whom you seem to have a good relationship with and have been there since birth practically), and your own needs being fulfilled and having a child of your own. I have 2 bio daughters and 2 stepkids, and there is something different about having a child of your own. I don't think there is anything selfish about wanting that. I hope you find answers that set you on the path of happiness. 

ctedrow's picture

Thank you! I have been feeling like I may be going crazy recently with the emotions and all. It is very reassuring that I have valid feelings and ones that are normal as well!

I appreciate the feedback. I am hoping to do some soul searching and make the best decision for all of us so all three of us can live a happy life.

NotURMomma's picture

His prior spawn is not your family. She is not your responsibility. You do not have a family of your own and never will unless you leave this user of a basta!d!

SteppedOut's picture

Your own child is something completely different and so much more love and just amazing than a step-child, even if you have a good relationship...

Rags's picture

Not when your SO requires to you to sacrifice for his prior relationship breeding experiment.

Nope.  SKids can certainly be family. But that takes a partner that puts you first and integrates their children into your life rather than subtracting from your life to focus on prior relationship children.

GoingWicked's picture

This would have been a total dealbreaker for me, I would not have been able to withstand the darkness of steplife without the brightness of my kids being here.  Of course, I was pregnant when we got married, and that was a large part of why we got married when we did (we were already engaged).  But if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, I’m not sure we would have even made it to the alter.  Especially once SD and BM started showing their true colors, and DH started rolling over like a dog for them.  I would have left him.

ctedrow's picture

The idea of leaving, I wont lie has crossed my mind many times. I love them both more than anything but I also need to love myself. I can't pretend I wont resent my life 10 years from now if I stay so I do need to make a decision for myself.

Thank you for your view. I really wish my heart would catch up to my head. 

NotURMomma's picture

Leave! My ex husband BSed me, too. He also used me.

My children would not exist if I hadn’t had the courage to leave him.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I loved my XH even after I left him. I loved him even when I started dating again. Loving him, though, didn't mean I wanted to be with him, because being with him was toxic and I'd never get what I wanted: a family.

My XH said similar things to yours. Never really committed to yes or no, talked with me about baby names, we talked openly about it with family. One night, he finally said to me that he didn't want kids. He also eventually told me that he thought I was too crazy to be a good mother.

Love isn't enough. Your DH has either willfully lied to you or thought he could/would change his mind but wasn't honest that he was actually on the fence. That is no way to live in a relationship. You will resent him, especially once you're no longer capable of having children of your own.

Do not waste your limited childbearing years on someone who isn't on the same page as you and can't be honest about it until he has strung it along for too long. There are sperm donors and foster kids who need a loving mother. You CAN have your family, but it can't be with the man you married.

I am truly sorry this has happened to you. I have been there myself. Now that you know the truth, use it to move forward. No one said you had to stop loving your DH before you leave. You just have to know that you can't have what you want and need out of your current situation and only you can change that.

ctedrow's picture

I agree with you. I don't think I will ever stop loving him but if I do choose to leave, the love will change over time. We shared many firsts together including the married life so maybe I am also holding on to nostalgia of what once was and what I thought was going to happen with my life and marriage.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You will stop loving him, but it takes time. I shared so many firsts with my XH - first BF, first kiss, first apartment, first pet - that I never thought I'd ever get over it.

Now that I'm with DH, though? It all feels like a distant memory. Those are all things that I would eventually do, and my XH just happened to be the person I did them with. The love and pain doesn't stick around forever.

ctedrow's picture

Thank you! I feel some relief knowing there are happy endings!

Im still not there yet to leave. Im so conflicted. I have a bad case of like self hating....Like I finally found someone that loved me and wanted to marry me, I wont find that again lol. terrible problem to have

NotURMomma's picture

Your DuH is using you. He had no right to string you along for SEVEN YEARS! 

What he has done is a deal breaker. Leave him and find an honest man without baggage who wants a family with you.

Stop wasting time.

ctedrow's picture

I do agree with you that it is a deal breaker.

Sadly as I have mentioned before, my heart has not caught up to my head yet and I am not ready to actually leave at the moment. I am trying to do some soul searching to make the right decision for myself. 

I am not a weak woman by any means but I am hesitant to make any decision I may regret and although I am only sharing a bad version of my Husband, there are many reasons I still love him and good aspects to him.

 

NotURMomma's picture

Whatever good parts of that ahole are far outstripped by his dishonesty, laziness and LYING!

Aniki's picture

I was once in your shoes. We spent a lot of time and money on fertility treatment. My then-husband got drunk and finally admitted that he had LIED about wanting a child with me and that he'd only told me that to get me to marry him. I asked him what would have happened if I had gotten pregnant during the fertility treatment. He shrugged and said, "It would have been a mistake I'd have to live with."

I also believe he lied to you to get a mommy for his child. I wonder if BM's pregnancy was a mistake to BOTH of them. Then she bailed and he found a new mommy because he felt a responsibility for his child but did not actually want to parent. 

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. It would be for quite a few people and it's OKAY IF IT IS.

ctedrow's picture

They planned her...even to the point where BM reversed her tubes to have her. She already had three children and a grandchild when they decided to have her. They had a very toxic relationship and chose to have a kid without even knowing each other for about 3 months. The night he left she even spit in his face. From what I have been told from his family she was very verbally and emotionally abusive and he just dealt with it. Almost like know I am getting that anger from what she put him through. 

He has even confessed to me he wished I was his childs mother because of how abusive and "crazy" BM is/was. I told him to never say something so hurtful ever again considering he chose her as a suitable parenting partner FOR LIFE and is now denying me that experience.

He has told me he loves the home and life we have built together becuase his daughter gets to see what a real loving home and marriage is like so maybe it is just another "move" on his part to play the game and keep me. IDK

Dizzyjell's picture

his daughter gets to see a loving home. Not your daughter. I would be so sad in this situation. Notice how convenient it is all.for him 

ctedrow's picture

you are right. Everything is convenient for him in the long run with this situation. His daughter is taken care of and he doesnt have to have another child (like he said he would). When he and I originally had the conversation I told him that was his chance to leave me on a clean slate, I wouldnt harbor any ill will but I wanted him to cut the cord. (I knew I wasn't strong enough to do it) and he wouldn't. He said he loved me and us too much to break us up. So basically I am letting him have his cake and eat it too. What man would run from that right???

ctedrow's picture

It is hard to face the possibility that the last 7 years of my life may have been a lie.

SteppedOut's picture

I know that feeling very well.. but I was married for 10 years.

The faster you move away from it, the better off you will be.

Aniki's picture

Hon, please don't look at it that way. YOUR feelings were/are REAL. He may have lied to you, but that doesn't not mean your love and your hurt are lies. Please take care of you.

ctedrow's picture

Thank you. Maybe you are right. All I know is the way I am currently living life, working long hours and supporting him and my SD cannot continue. I am starting to lose myself to the point where I almost avoid friends and family because I do not want to break down in front of people when they just ask me how I have been because they haven't seen me in a while.

 

flmomma08's picture

For me, that would be a dealbreaker. If I wasn't going to have my own kids for whatever reason, I would rather be with someone who also has no kids. I would not be happy being a SM and not having my own.

ctedrow's picture

Yes. I don't think he understands how it feels to constantly feel like the extra person. I have always told him I come first unless it's my SD. She will always come before me when it comes to everything and I am completely fine with that. She is the only female in this world that deserves his attention more than me. However, with that also being said, I am almost looked at as like this room mate. Her and I have always had an amazing relationship, she ALWAYS confides in me little secrets and tells me stories but at the end of the day when she is asking me to tuck her into bed and she says things like well I wish my real mom was here to tuck me in, it really hurts. She is just a child so I know she doesnt understand what she is saying but it makes me feel like I am a room mate to her. Not a bonus parent that she gets love and support from.

He will never understand that pain.

ybarra357's picture

This man flat out lied to you – for years! He knew good and damn well he didn’t want anymore kids long ago, but kept stringing you along, probably so that you can raise his kid oh and not to mention your $$.  There’s no ‘excusing’ this away.  Accusing you of being dramatic because you have a strong desire to have bio children?  That’s beyond despicable and totally insensitive.  I bet he feels you should feel satisfied with raising his kid. Yeah, I would seriously reassess this ‘relationship’. 

ctedrow's picture

You have a point. Maybe he was just trying to find someone stable to raise his child with him. I was often the main caregiver when she was with us but I had to pull away. I have started directing her to talk/ask her father when she wants/needs something as I am not her parent. He then sends her back to me saying go ask Cici (her name for me since she could speak)

its difficult because no matter how I feel, I have a very strong relationship with her also

lieutenant_dad's picture

Because he pushed you to have one to make it harder to leave.

My DH appreciates and likes that I have a good relationship with his kids, but never would it be enough to get me to stay. I am not their mother, and my DH doesn't make me pretend that I am.

Sadly, you aren't the first woman who has come here with this exact same story.

ctedrow's picture

I believe it! I am glad I found this forum. All of my friends are married with children. None of them are steps. They have no clue or could even begin to imagine how hard it can be. It has gotten to the point where I have started coming up with excuses for kids bday parties or baby showers because I end up being this mess of a human being when I leave. It is selfish of me to feel that way and take joy away from them so I always say I am sorry that I have to work and send a gift with someone else attending.

Not one of them knows the real reasons why I have stopped showing up

lieutenant_dad's picture

Between you saying this and ealier saying that you couldn't cut the cord and needed him to tells me that you need to talk to a therapist and get your lady balls back.

You cannot go around living your life at the dictation of others or your uncontrolled feelings. Been there, done that, it sucks soooooooo much. It's not smart to be in a relationship that you don't have the strength to leave. It shouldn't be that you stay because you can't bring yourself to leave. It should be that you're total able and willing and capable to leave, but you choose to stay.

Why oh why would you stay in a situation that isolates you from your friends and family because it makes you hurt SO BADLY on the inside that you can't face perfectly normal, happy events?

As you soul search, ask yourself these questions.

ctedrow's picture

very early on in our relationship too, I had mentioned that I was not a huge fan of dating a man with a child and if he was going to string me along to not even ask me out again...... must have charmed him or something becasue he kept asking me out

ESMOD's picture

When I met my DH.. I asked him several times if he had kids.. he finally asked me WHY I kept asking.  I think I subconsciously wasn't remembering THAT because I was hoping for a different answer..lol.

It actually shows that he is more self centered that his need to have what he wanted mattered more than another person's feelings.  I know that there are good parts about your relationship... but I will say that he doesn't come out looking really good considering he is fine in overpaying CS.. because you are able to support him.. and he is fine with your sacrifice for HIS child..yet won't allow you to have that same experience.  It's like really.. dude.. just knowing your kid is not enough to satisfy the desire to have my own child.  You knew that is what I wanted.. you knew this was a deal breaker and you were selfish to let me think you were just "not ready yet".  You knew the answer was always going to be no and you just hoped I would change my mind.

lorlors's picture

Leave him before it is too late. My DH had a vasectomy after his first two children (the stepkids). He moved heaven and earth so I could have my baby boy. DH had his vasectomy reversed, which didn't work, so we then had to do IVF as his sperm was basically syringed directly from his testicles to make embryos with my eggs.

He did this THREE times for 3 rounds of IVF with only a topical anaesthetic, refusing a general anaesthetic as he wanted to take care of me after my egg retrieval. I now have my beautiful chubba bubba sitting in his high chair beside me in the kitchen. Don't waste your fertility on this man. His daughter will never feel like your daughter.

You want children of your own. The joy of seeing my boy's little face every morning is all the greater after the nightmare we had to get him. Nothing beats it. Please, please don't waste any more time.

lorlors's picture

Don't deny yourself the chance to be a mummy.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Oh hun, I am so sorry. This guy definitely used you and at the very least was lying to himself but at the center of it was lying to you. How dare he call you "dramatic" for wanting children, when he cannot fathom another child so precious as the one he already has?! Hypocrite much? So he gets to have his daughter and all the feel good feelings that come with parenthood, yet you're the dramatic one for wanting the same?

My blood is literally boiling for you. This is a huge deal breaker and reason to walk away from the relationship if a biological child is what you want. It is completely unfair for him to string you along for years then move the goalposts.

I can only imagine not having children of your own that you desperately want will only cause resentment of your SK as well as your husband as time continues.

lorlors's picture

Step family resentment is a grower with time. It's like a death by 1000 cuts. It all builds up over the years.

SteppedOut's picture

The resentment will be unbearable when your fertility window closes. 

lorlors's picture

What is shocking is, he just expects her to take it on the chin. Not like he was honest and upfront from the start. She didn't marry him hoping he would change his mind. He has completely led her up the garden path and it is unbelievably unfair. Working hard to support him and his child, makes me mad! You can guarantee she won't get the thanks for it she deserves either when the step daughter ages out and turns on her.

ctedrow's picture

The resentment is what I’m terrified of. I love my SD like crazy but yes, she isn’t my blood and I always will feel like I am not part of the family. My Husband has said many times we are a family but until he has walked in my shoes he will never feel how lonely it can be. The BM is active in her life so there is no role for me outside of supportive “bonus” parent. But she is also very mean in the fact that she doesn’t want my SD to acknowledge me in situations. I am included in things like orientation and school plays but BM makes it a point to make sure I stay in the back and her and my Husband and his family are to be up there with her as my SD family. But I am also the first person she calls when my SD is sick because I can do my job from anywhere. They both expect me to take on responsibilities but then  BM doesn’t want me recognized as a family member during events. I was literally introduced as my SDs “fathers whatever” when meeting her teacher. I just smile and say my name and that I am her fathers wife. It’s hurtful to say the least. I can feel the resentment already building.

shamds's picture

The back like an embarassment and non family member and you’re expected to suck it up and play nice. If that ever happened, i would have walked, because my husband just said i am worth nothing to him

ESMOD's picture

To be clear, the BM showed herself to be a petty and crappy person by saying that.  I'm sure it was duly noted by the teacher. lol.

ctedrow's picture

Thank you! I hope the teacher did lol. After BM left, My husband and I had a great conversation with the teacher!

ctedrow's picture

Have other SMs that have had a strong relationship with Skids have them turn on them later in life?

SteppedOut's picture

I have seen people mention it on this site... i sure hope they see this question and answer. 

Also. I want you to think about later in life... when sd has her own children... what will you be then? A kindof bonus gma? Or if sd does end up turning on you? Your husband will go to see gradskid(s) and you will be...left at home? 

Really think. He really is asking you to "just forget about" the life you wanted... after lying to get you to marry him. 

ctedrow's picture

Yes, you have a point. What the hell will I be then? I have friends that have grown up with step parents and they have beautiful relationships with them because they also were in healthy coparenting relationships with their bios.

The co-parenting relationship my husband and his ex BM has always been rocky. It is the type where if she doesn't like how he approached something, she will threaten him.

SteppedOut's picture

You are pushed to the back at school functions so he can go hang out with bm... 

So, sd delivery.. you will be pushed back so your husband can go hang out with bm (if you are even "allowed" to go to the hospital).

You are seriously setting yourself up for a life of emotional pain and regret. 

lorlors's picture

It is a tale as old as time. Your SD is all cute now I am sure, just wait until she morphs into a beligerent teenager with attitude.

What a joke that BM and your DH have you sitting at the back at school events and he is up there playing happy families with his ex. He will take your money but treat you like that?!

ctedrow's picture

Yes, my hard earned money has always been good enough but me as a person they want to take a back seat. I am so glad I found this forum to almost empower me. I have felt this way for so long but recent events have made me realize I am better than what I am getting and I deserve more.

I come from a very loving family. My parents have been together for over 42 years. 4 children and 5 grandkids later, they are still this strong amazing couple. I grew up surrounded by family and love and that has always been a gola of mine. To create that for my family one day. I always told myself if for some reason it was not in the cards for me to have a child (because my body wouldnt allow it) I would embrace it and put that much more effort into my nieces and nephews but now I am presented with the fact that my husband just doesnt want it with me but wants me to put that same effort into my SD and still be treated the way I am.

I was the woman there for my husband and SD when they had nothing. I helped create this stable and beautiful life but at the end of the day, I am the one that is shit on becuase I didn't birth my SD. If my money is good enough, god damn it I should be good enough!

lieutenant_dad's picture

THIS TIMES A BILLION!

OP, re-read what SteppedOut said over and over again. Bedazzle it on a t-shirt if you have to. 

simifan's picture

I raised SD from 3 years old. ExH had primary custody with BM having a few weeks in the summer. I did the bulk of the parenting and thought we had a good relationship. BM was the one who drove me to this site as she had no problems hurting her daughter to get back at exH.

As soon as she could, SD ran to BM to live on her couch and work at the local stop and rob. BM could do no wrong. She had her SF adopt her (she was 19). She still talks to ExH but I am apparently responsible for everything wrong in her life because "I kicked her out." 

Focused_onourlife's picture

"Have other SMs that have had a strong relationship with Skids have them turn on them later in life"? Absolutely yes, I have. When I met my DH my OSD was 3 years old. Her BM despised me since the day she heard of me, she criticized me and my now DH for that matter, over the years to and or in front of my SD. It got worse when SD was 7 and learned I was pregnant.  She struggled with loving me one minute and hating me the next, even came to our house and repeated things her BM said ex. "my mom don't like you, my mom said I don't have to listen to you, my mom said my dad is going to forget about when when your baby gets here, my mom said don't touch my hair (I was a licensed cosmetologist at the time and SD loved when I fixed her hair and it was a way to bond with her so win/win), etc." My DH talked to SD and put a stop to her reporting.... but because of pas (long story) and SD believing her BM, fast forward today at SD26 we have absolutely no relationship.  I had to disengage for my own sanity 3 years ago. OSD is very brainwashed and toxic I had no choice but to give up on trying with her. 

I'm not saying this will happen to you and hopefully it will not but there is a possibility especially when your SD reaches her tween/teens. That's when my SD started back up and even tried to challenge me.  You said your SD is 7, this is the agey SD started testing my boundaries (behind my DH back when we were alone). Some say 7 is innocent but with a hcbm you should be able to see signs. Pay close attention to your SD now and you will start to see signs if she will allow her BM to influence the way she feel about you.

simifan's picture

This would be a deal breaker for me. I regret not divorcing exH sooner so I would have been able to have a child with my new SO. 

Lifer33's picture

This broke my heart for you, please leave if you want a child of your own. The reason I say this is that I was with a 'man' for 6 years who constantly was commitment phobic never wanted children Ever. My mum even begged him on her death bed! Eventually we split n I met my husband and got pregnant very quickly. Apparently ex was angry and devstated?? Lo and behold within a year he not only has a gf but they have a baby.  I was over it but that stung. I recently saw a meme which rang bells to the effect that if a man says he doesn't want a baby it only means he doesn't want a baby with you. 

shamds's picture

but he thought if he said “give me time, i will warm upto it eventually” that several years down he would hit the truth to you and you would be so blinded by love that you would be ok not having kids. 

Having kids is something you are sure you want or don’t want. If you are leaning as a man to the don’t want and still lie to marry with a woman and have her invest 7 yrs of reproductive years for you to lie to her and say all along you never wanted kids, thats a total dealbreaker. 

He knew his reasons for not wanting anymore kids and they wouldn’t and haven’t changed but he lovebombed you into marrying him and led you on for 7 years that may affect your chances of having the kids you want...

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

So just to break it down

1) he lies to you

2) doesn't treat with you respect by banishing you to the back of the room during school functions

3) allows BM to walk all over you and refer to you as "whatever"

4) expects you to take on the role as FT parent until it comes to public outings with the family-- then you're a nobody... but is happy as a clam to use you financially

5) calls you dramatic when confronted with his lie

6) claims you're all "family"... well no shit, from his perspective with his biokid and wife, you are! But from yours, you aren't (and rightfully so, in those feelings!)...

7) Gaslights you regularly when you dare to question him

 

This guy is a loser, I'm sorry (not sorry). You can do so much better, get out now while you still have some fertile years left-- there's a man out there that will WANT to have kids with you and be a phenomenal husband and father

ctedrow's picture

Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. Its enlightening to see responses from others with no emotional ties to us to help me make better decisions for myself and life!

Rags's picture

No, you are not being overly emotional or anything else for that matter.  You have been betrayed by your DH.  Though people certainly change their minds and a change of mind does not make that person a liar, it certainly could be that that change of mind is a betrayal.

So, you have a choice.  1. Pull the IUD, flush the pill and hop on to get pregnant regardless of what DH says or wants.  2. Give up on your desire to have children of your own.  3.  Flush the DH and the product of his prior relationship breeding efforts and move on to find a partner who wants what you want.

I am not sure you have any other options if DH will not change his perspective.

Good luck. You have difficult choices to consider.

Take care of you.

susanm's picture

I am probably going to get flamed for this and normally I would NEVER suggest this but he literally burned 7 of your most fertile years actively lying to you.  Even if you left tomorrow morning and went on a single minded mission to find a suitable second spouse to father a child you would be rolling the dice with your ability to become pregnant and carry a healthy child to term once you were set.  Unless you have substantial funds, using a sperm bank and becoming a single mother is a difficult road.  I personally don't think you would be in the wrong getting "accidentally" pregnant regardless of his wishes given his actions.  You would have the option of trying to make the marriage work and hope for the best or bite the bullet and divorce if he could not find it in his heart to love the baby but at least you would have the child he dangled as bait to induce you to marry him and help him raise his first child.

lorlors's picture

I wouldn’t normally ever agree with tricking someone into a pregnancy but based on the scenario, if true, I agree with you. She may not meet someone else in time.

susanm's picture

That is what I am thinking.  If it had only been a year or two that would be one thing.  But 7 years can very well be make or break in fertility time.  And this apparently was not a case of a true change of heart.  He never intended to give her a child and was trying to wait her out.  The sheer cruelty and selfishness of that is breathtaking.

NotURMomma's picture

I concur. They have been married for years and she wasted money and time on his previous kid.

Marriage is for making a family, having children (when possible.) he is disrespecting and using OP.

SecondNoMore's picture

OP, please do not let this post scare you into having a child with the wrong man. Because, as everyone on this site should be well aware, once you have a kid with the wrong person there are no great options. There might be a better option, but none will be really good. Everyone on this site is dealing with the consequences of someone having a kid with the wrong person, so it's hard for me to understand someone telling a 31-year-old to panic and get pregnant with a man who doesn't want the child. Eventually the relationship will crumble and guess what? You may miss out on guys who would have been a great partner and father because they (understandably) want a woman who doesn't come with the baggage of a child.

You should in no way panic about your age and your ability to carry a child to term (WTF?). I live in an affluent neighborhood of a big city surrounded by professionals; no one here has kids until their 30s and even 40s. Purely anecdotally, all of my friends started their families and got pregnant without issue in their late 30s. Freeze your eggs now if you can afford to do so so that you have a safety net and can prolong your options, and figure out if you want to leave this relationship.

ndc's picture

This would be a dealbreaker for me.  Even if I could come to grips with not having my own biological child, I could never accept that my husband had LIED TO ME to get me to marry him, raise his daughter and supplement his finances, and LIED about something that was so important to me that I would have left years ago but for that deceit.  And I would resent that he strung me along for 7 years.  If he didn't change his mind post haste, I would be gone.  I would rather have a child as a single mom than continue to live with him and his deceit, because even if I didn't totally resent him today, I know it would be only a matter of time.

ETA:  Even though you have wasted 7 years waiting for your H to be ready for a child, you're still relatively young.  31 is not that old to have a baby.  My mom had her first at 35 and her youngest at 40.  She didn't even know my father and had never been married when she was 31.  Don't hesitate because of your age.  Go for what you want!

SteppedOut's picture

Yea...no way I could stay and/or want to be tied to this man.

I had my youngest at 40. After having my tubes tied even! Absolutely no problems during or post pregnancy. 

OP, you do have time. And, even if you don't end up having a child, you still need to be away from this prick that lied to get you to marry him and seemingly uses you for your money. If you are not going to have a child, live it as someone without a child - travel extensively, fancy cars, retire early, etc -- NOT paying for Mr. Liar's child.

BethAnne's picture

There are so many better options than getting deliberatly pregnant with an unwilling father. Please do not do that, it will only make your life filled with so much more resentment, it will not make anything better. Plus it ties you to your ex for another 20 years or so. If you want to garantee that you have a child of your own, use a sperm donor or adopt a child (adoting a child from the foster system should not cost much money if funds are tight and you get the option of skipping the dirty nappy phase!)

You can be a kick-ass single mom and fill a childs life with love, joy and security. Perhaps you will meet a man that you deserve in the future, but at least you wont have to wait on him turning up to get on with experiencing motherhood. 

Rags's picture

Several commenters mentioned that your DH misled you in order to get you to finance his  lifestyle, help to finance his child, help raise his child while leading you on regarding having a child of your own during 7 of your prime child bearing years.

I gotta say that gave me a significantly different perspective on the egregious nature of what he has perpetrated against you.

Fry his ass.  Take everything, move on, leave him to wallow in the departure of you, your resources and at loss of at least half of any marital resources and as much of his retirement resources as you can get. 

See how he likes being broke and a single dad.

Go and have your child(ren).  Either with a partner or through insemination.  Be happy.

 

Makingitwork's picture

I left my ex because he decided after one child that we were done having children even though that was never the plan. It wasn’t that I needed to have more that made me leave, it was the fact that he came to such an important decision without me, and told me this was how it was going to be without talking the time to fully understand how important it was to me. The lack of regard for what I needed in life, and the fact that he didn’t work with me to come to this important of a decision while keeping me in mind told me he wasn’t the man for me. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. Life has no gaurentees, you may leave and never meet someone who will give you a child...but life is far too short to be with someone who tells you one thing, strings you along, the ultimately does another when he knows full well that it’s going to hurt you deeply. That is not what love or marriage is about. 

ctedrow's picture

Thank you for this advice. 

I CAN'T stand the fact that the decision was made for me! I grew up never wanting children of my own I just wanted neices and nephews. Then I re-met my husband and that changed. I could see myself being a mom. We talked about it so much and often and then it was just taken away from me, the opportunity for me to decide as part of the team if I was ok not having my own. 

I don't feel it is fair for birth control to be on me at this point now either. I have been on it one form or another since I was 16 years old and my body is started to show the impacts of that (arthritis forming in my joints etc.) 

I have such a huge decision to make and it is scary to say the least.

NotURMomma's picture

Ditch the birth control and ditch him. I had my first in my mid 30s (after I divorced my ex who deceived me about having children, too.) I despaired because I thought I would never have children and now I have two.

You do not have time to waste. Separate finances, lawyer up and pack your sh!t.

ctedrow's picture

Thanks, the good thing about this......I wasn't raised to be a complete fool......The house and cars are all in my name. If I choose to end this marriage, he will be the one that has to leave. When I originally did it, I felt so guilty but now I am so thankful I took my parents advice when buying my first home and did it all under my name.

SteppedOut's picture

He does have the option of trying to lay claim in any equity since you have been married... I hope he does not do that, but the longer you are married, the more costly it could be. Same with alimony. 

Be swift in your decision. 

Thisallsux's picture

This is not something you want to give up and you’ve waited a long time. One day the marriage could end and you have nothing to show for it and at that point it will be too late. It’s possible you could sit down with him tell him if he doesn’t reconsider you will have to divorce. This is kind of a deal breaker. He might change his mind if he knows your serious. You’re 31 if you get out now you’ve got time to meet someone to start your own family. If you stay you might be depressed your whole life. 

MaggieMay's picture

Not a legal expert, but isn't lying about something like this considered fraud as far as grounds for divorce?  Could you possibly even get it annulled?  Then ge gets nothing.

ctedrow's picture

From what I have been reading it may fall under fraud. I am no legal expert either but he went into the marriage lying about his intentions so I might be able to anul.