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Changing Room Arrangements So Bio Kids Can Have Their Own Room?

Unorthodoxrhetoric's picture

Hi Everyone,

This is a little messy. Please be kind. 

I have two sons, 10 and 11 from a previous marriage and three SKs, SD17, and SS15, and SS13.

We have a 4 bedroom house. Currently my BSs share, SSs share, and SD has her own room. 

A serious issue has arisen in our home that has made it so SS13 is not allowed over nor have contact with my children. So we now have 2 SKs part time.

My sons have been counting down the days until their SDs room is available so they no longer have to share a room, and now, SD17 and SS15 have stopped coming over as often. DH sees them outside of our home during the week, and they stay the night maybe 2 nights per month (Arrive in the evening, leave in the morning) Given the fact that I have two empty rooms in my house 99% of the time, is it unreasonable to ask SD and SS to share a room when they choose to sleep over? My sons are running out of space and are practically on top of each other. 

I can offer more explanation if need be, and for what it's worth, I don't agree with the lack of time spent here, but if this is the reality, I'd like to use the space available in my home. Thank you. 

 

ndc's picture

I don't think I'd have opposite gender siblings share a bedroom.  Do you have any other space, such as a couch in front of a TV in the basement, where your SS might be willing (or prefer) to stay?  Would you be willing to have SS stay in the room with one of your boys 2 nights a month?  What is your DH's opinion?

Unorthodoxrhetoric's picture

TBH, given the nature of the issue, I'm not comfortable with SS15 sleeping in a room with either of my children. 

We do have a fabulous couch, however I was thinking we just put bunk beds in SDs room and they can use that. They are literally not here anymore...

My marriage is a little iffy right now and it hurts DH's feelings, but I'm at a point to where that isn't a big concern to me. His lack of effort is contributing to the visitation decline, so this is his doing as far as I'm concerned. 

ndc's picture

If you have concerns about SS15 being in the room with either of your boys, I wouldn't put him in with them.  I think if you do bunkbeds for SD17 and SS15 to share, they will just stop staying over if they're not comfortable with that.  Maybe offer the couch as an alternative.  I do think it is ridiculous for full-time residents to have to share a bedroom so that kids who are only there one or two days a month can have their own rooms.

MisplacedMom's picture

I feel your pain.  We have a small 3 bedroom and I currently have DD6 and DS5 sharing a room full time.  We have a room for SS12 that is currently sitting very empty.  In our situation SS has to have his own space where he can be separated at times due to his behaviors.  I have no real answers or advice, just that I understand the struggle.  

Unless there are some underlying abuse issues between the siblings I, personally, wouldn't have a problem with bunking them together a couple nights a month.  With my kids we have rules about changing clothes, and allowing locked doors during those times or changing in the bathrooom. 

Unorthodoxrhetoric's picture

Thank you for your response. Sd and SS get along really well and they use the bathroom for changing sometimes anyway. This isn't a case where I worry about it not being appropriate, because they are only here for 15 hours and would just be in their room to sleep one or two nights per month. If they were here more than this, my sons would still be waiting for SD to turn 18 and go off to college or whatever. 

MisplacedMom's picture

If that's the case I would go for it.  If I thought for a moment that SS could function appropriately enough to not need (and the rest of us need him to have) his own four walls I would give my kids their own rooms in a heartbeat.

BethAnne's picture

Can your sons have a room each and then just share when the step kids visit? That way they are not sharing with ss and you can allow the ss and sd to have some privacy. 

What does your husband want to do? 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is what I would do.  Given there have already been (I assume) issues of a sexual nature going on in your home, I wouldn't have opposite sex siblings together.  Your two boys can just bunk in together for the 1 or 2 nights.

(Even if the issues aren't sexual, it protects you guys from any allegations of inappropriateness with minor children).

RAJ C's picture

Your SD is 17, at most there is one year wait for your kids to get their own room.

If SD knows her room will be given to one of the resident kids when she turns 18, I would just wait till then. If at this moment your Husband and the family are going through a bad period due to SS's behavior it is better to just wait a bit and give SKs a chance to deal with whatever happened. To your kids you can tell them that it is just a few more months of sharing the room and that by waiting you are giving your husband the best chance to mend things with his kids and that the three of you should be supportive. 

If SD does not know her room was going to be given to one of the resident kids then it is a good time to announce it to both SD and SS15 and make it clear that one of them would be forfeting his/her room, so if SD decides to spend more time at your house and SS still does not visit she would keep her own room and when SS comes over your kids could bunk together for that day or two, if SD does not spend more time then she looses her room even before turining 18.

Monkeysee's picture

So the SK’s are more important in dealing with the matter than the actual kids who were targeted by the SS13? That makes no sense. Also the SK’s are there 2 nights a month.

OP I’d either make the SK’s share, put one of them on a couch, or at minimum have your kids share when the skids are over. If you’re worried about the skids going through your sons things or stealing, stick to the first two options. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Unfortunately, after like age 6, CPS will say no go on a male and female sharing a room.  They're old enough that could cause issues if they wanted to throw a tantrum.  So while I get what you're saying. I wouldn't risk it.

Guiltriddenameteur's picture

The kids that live there full time should have their own space if there is room there. 

When the others come to stay, If its only the odd night they could either bunk up with your kids or sleep on the sofa. It's one night once in a blue moon. 

We have a similar situation where my step sons come to visit. I have a SS13 living with us and my daughter 1yo. They both have their own rooms but we only have a 3 bed house. We aren't made of money. Therefore when the ss9 and ss7 come to stay, they stop in SS13s room and he either sleeps on the sofa down stairs or on a mattress on the floor in his room with them. 

It's not ideal but it's the best we can do. You can only do your best but I personally think that the kids living with you take priority of having their own space. It's stupid to keep rooms empty incase the others come to stay when you have 2 teenagers squeezed into 1 room. 

 

Xx

SecondGeneration's picture

It's a tough one, yes they aren't staying over much but take away their rooms and have your kids having their own rooms and you can bet it will soon be used as a reason not to come over. 

"We cant stay over dad, stepmom took our room away remember? Now HER kids get their own room each and we have to share" even with your DH knowing the background it wont take long before his brain turns it into a his kids vs your kids scenario, as happens all too often with blended families. 

I wouldn't have SS and SD share though, if you are uncomfortable about SS sharing with your boys then it wouldn't be right for him to share with SD either. Maybe make one room into a generic guest room that SD can use when she stays and have SS on the sofa if hes the questionable one. I dont like the idea of having your bios having to share again whenever they stay over as that takes away from the whole point of them having a room.

What does DH want to do? Could you maybe reshuffle the rooms and split one into two? Maybe only big enough for a bed and wardrobe but at that age SD and SS dont really need much space. 

Rags's picture

Resident children get the rooms. Visiting children get the guest room.

Keep it simple.

Thisisnotus's picture

2 nights a month?? Hell yes give any open rooms to YOUR kids who actually live there...those skids don't get a room. 2 night a month visitors can sleep on the couch........SD12 (and BM Started pulling BS) going on 2 years ago.....she hasn't slept over in 2 years....but comes over regularly..3 times a week at least....DH drives her back to BM to sleep at night.....she LOST her room after the first 6 months of not staying over our house.

 

here is what I would personally do.......give your kids each their own room....make that 4th room into a teen hangout room with a sofa or 2.....skids will have a place to chill if they want....and then they can figure out where to sleep.....in that room or in the living room........although I want to BARF every time one of my skids insists on sleeping in the living room.....who wants a sleeping sloth on their couch until 1 pm on Saturday. ugh

 

 

Petronella's picture

It never fails to amaze me when skids refuse to sleep at Dad's house and they (and their BM) resist following a schedule...then act all put out if Dad stops providing a dedicated room for them! 

When SD flounced back to BM's, "her room" became OUR spare room so quickly it made all their heads spin like the girl in The Exorcist! It was glorious, hahahaha

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Coming from the other angle, your husband probably doesn't think very much of your kids, his stepkids either.

I'd tread carefully there, I know that I'd leave with a vengeance if my life and home were to be dominated by bastards.

Not trying to be offensive, but if my wife were to favor my stepkid over our biological daughter in my own home, there'd be hell to pay.

BethAnne's picture

Sometimes we cannot treat everyone equally, with 4 children and 3 bedrooms there are going to have to be some compromises somewhere....Maybe the adults can give up their room and sleep on the couch so that all 4 kids can have a room each? Is that the best solution?

SteppedOut's picture

These kids are there TWO DAYS A MONTH.

Your shared bio daughter is there EVERY DAY. 

That is apples to oranges.