Cant have this child because of stepkids
I have always wanted to be a mum, but sadly my mental health has always been far too unstable. Ive had twenty years of constant breakdowns, suicidal depressions, sleep depivation so servere i start hallucinating and going psychotic. Im ill for about 80% of my life. So i had a perimenopausal scare recently with all the symptoms and that was when i faced the thought of being childless for the rest of my life and the grief utterly consumed me. Reading that your fertility rapidly declines at my age (37) and each time you try there is only a 5% chance of concieving, my partner and i tried for a baby one time. I later said it was a bad idea so lets not try anymore. If it were just me and him i could cope with a baby as id have his undivided support. However, its not just us as he has a 4year old and a six year old for 50% of the time. I got pregnant that first time we tried and freaked out. I had an ectopic pregnancy scare and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance for a scan. I went through all that alone because my partner had his children at that time. I felt very lonely and unsupported and my partner felt ill that he couldnt be there for me (although it didnt cross his mind to ask his mum to look after the kids so he could be there for me).
I must say going through all that alone, i had a huge pannick attack at the hospital and didnt cope at all and it gave me a statk realisation that that was always how it was going to be inthe future if i had this baby with him-anytime my mental health was bad or there was an emergency then 50% of the time id have zero help or support.
i cant live with my partner because his children are far more exhausting than any child i have ever met. They love me and accept me but they are loud, make constant noise all day, their energy levels are so high its insane, they interrupt so my partner and i cant have a single conversation, they want 100% of the attention, they make annoying noises constantly and they have no mannors. I am left drained and exhausted after two days in their company so living with them 50% of the time is out of the question. So if i had this bady for 50% of the time id basically be a single mum bringing up baby alone at my house and my mental health cant cope with that.
I'm about to take the abortion pills but if my partner didnt have his kids, then i could have this baby and be a mum. Im so confused. I dont want his kids to be the reason i can never be a mum but they are. Im feeling bitter resentment towards their existence. I wish i could have this baby. If i take this pill then im not sure if i can see those kids again knowing that they stopped my dream to be a mum and seeing my partner with his kids would be a constant reminder of me being childless and what i had to sacrifice. Also my mum is 70 so cant help me with my bady like she did for my sisters as she was twenty years younger when they had kids. I dont know what to do. I feel sick at the thought of terminating this babies life, especially since i have seen my bub in a six week scan and heard their heartbeat. I dont know what to do.