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Cant have this child because of stepkids

Namasteinthenightsky's picture

I have always wanted to be a mum, but sadly my mental health has always been far too unstable. Ive had twenty years of constant breakdowns, suicidal depressions, sleep depivation so servere i start hallucinating and going psychotic. Im ill for about 80% of my life. So i had a perimenopausal scare recently with all the symptoms and that was when i faced the thought of being childless for the rest of my life and the grief utterly consumed me. Reading that your fertility rapidly declines at my age (37) and each time you try there is only a 5% chance of concieving, my partner and i tried for a baby one time. I later said it was a bad idea so lets not try anymore. If it were just me and him i could cope with a baby as id have his undivided support. However, its not just us as he has a 4year old and a six year old for 50% of the time. I got pregnant that first time we tried and freaked out. I had an ectopic pregnancy scare and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance for a scan. I went through all that alone because my partner had his children at that time. I felt very lonely and unsupported and my partner felt ill that he couldnt be there for me (although it didnt cross his mind to ask his mum to look after the kids so he could be there for me).

I must say going through all that alone, i had a huge pannick attack at the hospital and didnt cope at all and it gave me a statk realisation that that was always how it was going to be inthe future if i had this baby with him-anytime my mental health was bad or there was an emergency then 50% of the time id have zero help or support. 

i cant live with my partner because his children are far more exhausting than any child i have ever met. They love me and accept me but they are loud, make constant noise all day, their energy levels are so high its insane, they interrupt so my partner and i cant have a single conversation, they want 100% of the attention, they make annoying noises constantly and they have no mannors. I am left drained and exhausted after two days in their company so living with them 50% of the time is out of the question. So if i had this bady for 50% of the time id basically be a single mum bringing up baby alone at my house and my mental health cant cope with that.


I'm about to take the abortion pills but if my partner didnt have his kids, then i could have this baby and be a mum. Im so confused. I dont want his kids to be the reason i can never be a mum but they are. Im feeling bitter resentment towards their existence. I wish i could have this baby. If i take this pill then im not sure if i can see those kids again knowing that they stopped my dream to be a mum and seeing my partner with his kids would be a constant reminder of me being childless and what i had to sacrifice. Also my mum is 70 so cant help me with my bady like she did for my sisters as she was twenty years younger when they had kids. I dont know what to do. I feel sick at the thought of terminating this babies life, especially since i have seen my bub in a six week scan and heard their heartbeat. I dont know what to do.

autumn_raynes's picture

OP do you have family near you or some trusted friends? I am concerned that making this decision may endanger your mental health even more. You say you want to be a mom but I am getting that not necessarily a mom with your partner as the dad. You are also fearing becoming a single mom. Is that right?

You may have a community way greater than you realize that may support you and your baby. Don't make a decision based on the assumption that you are all alone. There are so many charities and people who will support you. If you want to be a mom, be one. 

Namasteinthenightsky's picture

I would love to have a child with my partner but only if he didnt already have children. Hes a great dad but he couldnt support me as much as i feel i need with my terrible mentsl health, and he wouldnt be able to support me as much as he would want to. I wouldnt be scared to be a actual single mum as he is devoted to me, but we would have to live separately so for half my time id be raising our child alone, whilst he cares for his other kids at his house, so id feel like a single mum for half the time. I have a mum and sister but my mum is 70 now and too old to help me as much as she would want to.

autumn_raynes's picture

Are his children violent? What exatly is making you hesitant about your baby being around his kids? 

Namasteinthenightsky's picture

Its more im hestitant being around his kids coz they are seriously high energy and i feel exhausted after two days with them. They are noisy and quite unruly

autumn_raynes's picture

I see. Are there daycare facilities, extracurricular activities that they can get involved in? This may tire them out so they are more settled when at home with you.

You need to have a discussion with your partner and let him know how you are feeling. You should not have to babysit them on your own. He needs to find arrangements for them with others if he is not available. Again, please do not make such a life changing decision without having conversations with your partner and other external services. You may not be as alone as it currently feels for you right now.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this. I do worry that a pregnancy alone will be more than you can take, especially since you will likely have to get off of many medications. PPD and PPP are real and can happen to anyone but if you are already prone to slipping into scary mental states, your chances go much higher. 

While the thought of being childless is crushing, remember that there are so many other ways that you can impact a child and have a wonderful bond- Fostering for example. 

Also, not knowing his kids in person but the way you described them makes me think they are kind of normal. 4 and 6 are still in needy ages. They get hyped up easily, they can compete for attention and get loud. What would happen if your own child has- ADHD for example. Very common issue, but especially in boys- they are loud, they are wild, they are impulsive, they are destructive. Especially in those toddler and lower elementary years! How are you going to deal with all of that.

What if you pass some of your mental health issues to the baby? Many mental health conditions can be genetic. Can you handle their mental health and your own? As a parent you always have to be prepared to be a single parent. No one is promised tomorrow- my widowed MIL certainly knows that. 

You need to worry about your own health, and I think based on what little you have shared here, you are making the right choice to terminate. 

bananaseedo's picture

YES, I would be very concerned if the mental health issues are that bad, it can pass on.  Your issue on the decision should be solely focused on your own mental health, not the kids.  If you can't handle unruly, high energy like this, you won't be able to with your own kids.  

I'm going to say something others may reject of be aghast of.  People with serious mental health issues should not have children-it simply perpetuates the circle-same goes for any other genetically passed serious disease.  This is coming from somone that procreated with a man with serious mental health issues, I have my own (clinical depression)- and now my oldes son has really bad mental health issues and pretty much is a lost cause.  I really really hope he never has kids- I have no interest in being a grandparent and go through the stress of them with serious mental health problems either.  No thanks.

It's a lifetime sentence you can be passing on- suffering wth clinical depression for example, or bi-polar disorder is painful, for life.  Regardless of meds or not.  

No, even having his fulltime support won't be enough if your mental health is this fragile.  You have to make the decision for your OWN HEALTH (and MENTAL health is a big reason).  

CastleJJ's picture

OP - I say this with the utmost respect and support, but I question how much of this is reality, your mental health, or anxiety about the future talking. It sounds like you have an extensive mental health history with very significant symptoms. 

Children are needy, yes, but the way that you are describing your skids doesn't seem out of the norm for most children their age. They are 4 and 6, so yes, they are going to be loud and rambunctious. It sounds like your DH is good at managing his children. I understand that can be a lot to handle, but I wonder if your exhaustion is manifested as part of your mental health. 

How does your DH feel about this pregnancy? Has he indicated that he isn't going to support you or this baby? What makes you think that your DH is going to leave you to raise this baby alone while his kids are there? I think it is hard to judge an entire lifetime based on one incident of DH not being supportive or available. 

I feel like you are looking at this very black and white. I can have this baby if DH didn't have kids and I can't have this baby because DH has kids. I think there is more depth than that. In one breath you are saying that DH is devoted to you and great and in the other you are saying you are completely alone. Are your concerns legitimate or is it anxiety talking? You are going through a huge change that can be very scary and cause great anxiety. I think you need to have some conversations with your DH before making any decisions. 

If you are not currently receiving mental health treatment, please seek help, especially during this stressful time. Find someone to talk to who can help you sort out your feelings. Major life changes can throw anyone's mental health for a loop. You are not alone in this.

shamds's picture

Of care and lack of parenting. The fact you were rushed to hospital with an ectopic pregnancy and had to navigate that alone because hubby wouldn't come and chose to care for his kids instead of handing them to bio mum or asking a family member to care for them that day speaks volumes.

I had a miscarriage early last year whilst my husband was in my country, unfortunately with his job contract overseas in essential services and me finishing my university studies, we are dealing with flying back and forth and me primarily raising our 4 & 5 yr olds on my own 50 out of 52 weeks of the year.

my husband took me to hospital with our little ones in tow and as it was dinner time, took them to a restaurant nearby whilst i was waiting to be checked. After dr had checked me and i was ok and  safe to go home as everything had come out, they let my husband and 2 kids in. 

its a horrible lonely feeling just laying there alone in the hospital and it took a long time to recover mentally emotionally because its like i just had to get on with life, my daughter was starting kindy in a few days, my husband had to fly back for work. Its overwhelming.

end of the day, the reason why you can't stand his kids is your husband refuses to parent them. You don't share any blood relation to them so if your husband refuses to parent them and make them pleasant, its not rocket science, you won't want and shouldn't be made to tolerate them!!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm not qualified to tell you what to do based on your history and this post, but i can say please contact your mental health provider and a support person before making this decision. Maybe it's your mom, who, though she is elderly and can't help you with a baby, can be there emotionally? A sister or friend? You need a lot of support right now. 

PetSpoiler's picture

Please don't terminate.  I know it's hard and it's scary.  But don't let those kids be the reason you don't have a child of your own.  You will resent them and your partner.  Some changes need to be made here.  Yes, a lot of what the kids are doing is normal for their ages but that's what parents are for,  to teach them that it's rude and annoying, so knock it off.  Do they live with you?  Is BM easy to deal with?

justmakingthebest's picture

I really don't think the issue is the other kids here...

breakdowns, suicidal depressions, sleep depivation so servere i start hallucinating and going psychotic - 80% of her life

How can her husband care for her 80% of the time, his 2 kids 50% and a new baby. How is he going to support all of that. What is going to happen if she develops post partum psychosis? There is a lot happening here. 

CastleJJ's picture

But the issue is that OP is stating that she cannot keep the baby due to these kids - so she is basing her decision almost 100% on that. She is black and white saying, if these kids didn't exist, I could have this baby but because they exist, I cannot. I agree, the kids really aren't the issue here. 

OP has significant mental health symptoms and that should really be the focus here, not the skids. The question is can OP and DH raise a biochild based on OP's mental health needs and the current family dynamic? That has to be the deciding factor here, not simply because skids exist. These skids don't sound anything out of the ordinary for their ages. 

justmakingthebest's picture

You are correct, that is what the OP is saying. I guess I should have probably worded my response with looking at the bigger issue, the OP's mental health should be the primary focus. Especially considering the kids sound pretty average for a 4/6 yr old.

If these kids were pushing puppies down the stairs or telling the OP they wish she was dead or any number of other things that we have read about here, that might change my opinion but being loud and wanting their dad's attention... average stuff for 4/6 yr olds. 

I also want to say that I can understand why the OP feels very alone going through a scary hospital visit while her husband was at home with the other kids. BUT men can be idiots when it comes to thinking in a family crisis. Had the OP said- We need to go to the hospital. Have your parents or BM meet us there to get the kids! - would he have? I don't know that answer but no one does. She should not have had to think about that going through something scary, I have miscarried, I know that hospital drive from hell- but that is life. No different than if this was OP's 2nd pregnancy and her husband had her 1st child. Someone would need to come get that child. 

CastleJJ's picture

I 100% agree, but the question is: is DH a good parent and husband who can handle raising this child or is OP basing this entire decision on that one emergency situation? If that behavior is consistent every day, then yes, I would have concerns about bringing another child into this with very little support from DH, but if DH isn't normally like that and panicked due to the heat of the moment, is it really smart to make such a life altering decision based on once instance? 

shellpell's picture

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. While having a baby can be a blessing, caring for an infant and the accompanying sleep deprivation can amplify mental health issues. I've been there. Thank God for my supportive DH, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to handle it myself. Are you financially stable? Would you be able to afford help?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Do you want a child or do you just like the idea of having a baby? Because kids are loud. They are high energy. They will interrupt you, they are expensive, and they will exhaust you. They have many great qualities, too, but they're a handful (and I'm saying this as someone who gets to pick and choose what I engage in because I'm just a SP).

Do you think your partner is actually a good parent or do you just warm fuzzies when he's interacting nicely with his kids? The impressive piece with men parenting shouldn't be how they make their kids laugh. It should be how they're raising their kids to be respectful to others, how they're willing to discipline even though their kid will get mad at them, and how they push their kid to be their best even when the kid doesn't want to.

Do you want to be a mom or do you just not want to be childless? And if you just want to not be childless, is it because having a child fulfills you or because you don't want to miss out on something your SO has?

Have you ever been mentally stable? If so, how much work did that take? If not, how much work would it take to get there? 

Either decision you make comes with consequences. The question becomes whether the consequences are manageable. If you have the baby, you HAVE to find mental stability. You can't rely on your SO to make up for the 80% of the time you can't function. Whether it requires in-patient treatment or intensive outpatient therapy, you will have to do better than 80% because it will be unfair to your SO and your child to expect them to pick up the slack and/or deal with the fallout of your poor mental health.

So, really, the big question is can you put in the work to be a mother AND improve your mental health AND maintain your mental health for at least 9 months of pregnancy and 18 years of life? Can you make the commitment to try your hardest? 

I agree with the sentiment that trying to get pregnant was an emotional decision, and probably one where you saw the odds were pretty low in your favor. The excitement of possibility got crushed by the reality of what it means. The reality is that you have a lot of exhausting, emotionally draining, potentially expensive work to do. Do you have the energy to do that?

Answer that, and you might have a better idea of what to do next.

FinallySkidFree's picture

No disrespect whatsoever, but it sounds like you are not mentally healthy enough to have a baby at all. Loud, active, high energy, are terms you are using to describe small kids. What are you going to do when there is a baby crying all night while you are trying to catch some sleep? What happens when your pregnancy hormones exasperate your mental health issues? This is a recipe for disaster. Getting pregnant because of your fertility clock running out in lieu of everything else you have going on was not the wisest decision.

Rags's picture

Your decision really does not have anything to do with your Skids, or the fact that your DH has prior relationship progeny. IMHO you have to elements to consider. Are you capable of being a quality mother with your mental and emotional health issues? What is best for a child you might choose to have?

That is it. If you are capable of being a quality parent for your child's entire life up until they launch with limited risk of screwing your kid up with your issues or passing your conditions on to them... have the baby. If not... don't have the baby.

I have no BKs.  Partly because I just never have had an overwhelming need or desire to procreate, partly because I choose not to risk propegating my autoimmune disease to my children if I were to choose to create them with my incredible bride.  

Those are my choices when it comes to procreating.  I love kids.  But... I can do that without having BKs.  I am a dad and have been since my bride chose me to be her equity life partner and an equity parent to her then 2yo son.  I raised him as my own.  Though some here might argue that I don't have mental health issues, I have avoided screwing my son up too badly.