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Can I plan the birth without the SK?

Nothemom's picture

I am 1 month away from having my first child. I am so excited about the birth of my daughter. My SS14 is not as excited and SD8 is oblivious. In fact from the moment my husband and I announced that we were pregnant the SS began acting out and telling lies to his BM. BM has then threatened taking my husband back to court for full custody. The lies are serious he (SS) has said that we abuse and neglect him and his sister. The birth of the new baby has not yet hit the SD and I know it is not a reality to her. The SD is indifferent to if I'm around but the SS is rude to me and makes snide comments whenever he is over.

My struggle is this...I don't want them at the hospital when I give birth. I really want that time for me and my husband and our child and I want to feel the joy that I feel when the SK are not around. I want to be selfish and have my husband be with me and our child not attending to the attitudes of a rude 14 year old and a attention needy 8 year old. How horrible am I that I don't want them around until we are back at our house and not at the hospital? I would like it to happen when they are at the BM house. We are having a C-section so it can be somewhat scheduled.

mommyto6's picture

Do the kids express any desire to be there at all? If not, then why worry. When we had our first "mutual" child, SS expressed interest in being there for the birth. I have to have all c/s so my births are always scheduled. If the skids don't even want to be there, why bother including them. I know my c/s are always scheduled on weekdays so my SS isn't normally with us. SS wanted to be there so in order for BM to let him be with us on a non-weekend day we had to give up a full weekend with SS in order for her to let him come one weekday with us-God forbid if he spent one extra day with us even though it was something SS wanted. If you normally have skids on the weekends then you probably wouldn't have to worry about including them anyhow if you/they didn't want to. It will probably be scheduled for while the skids are at school anyhow. I didn't mind having all our kids there-our mutual kids are their half-siblings no matter how much I like it or not.

stepmom1's picture

I feel the same way. I didn't want my SD at the birth of my first son- which happened early so I really hadn't discussed it with my DH. My feeling even though we have excepted the role of helping raise our SKs, that doesn't mean that we have to involve them in ever aspect of our life. We have a right to special moments with our DH that are just ours. I say go for it. Explain to your DH that it isn't to punish the SKs just that you need that time for yourself and will be happy to involve them at home. You can't get that moment back and you will regret it if you don't say anything. He should understand! I am pregnant with our second and not looking forward to that conversation either--- GOOD LUCK!

Lovepets's picture

Nothemom, I feel the same way! I do not want sks when I give birth in a few months. Let us know how it goes Smile

Tx mommy of 3's picture

It's fine to not want them there. Just make plans beforehand as to who they should be with & how soon after you want them to be at the hospital. Like I told dh after first dd was born, I'M the one in labor and pain and the one that has been carrying the baby for 9 months, I get to decide on how I want my delivery to go. Meaning I decide who is in the room, who is allowed to visit, etc. When HE pushes out a baby then he can decide who he wants around. So be honest with your dh and let him know how you want things to go.

purpledaisies's picture

I can tell you that when my mom gave birth none of us were allowed to be there till she was ready. There is no reason for them to be there but maybe once the baby is born they can come to the hospital with your dh only. That is when you are ready.

Elizabeth's picture

SD was not there for the births of either of my two kids. She was with BM, and BM brought her by for a brief visit (like 30 minutes) for both of them. That was it. Suited me just fine. In fact, I managed to be taking a shower when SD visited for my second BD and did not have to see SD's mopey face at all on that visit!

Nothemom's picture

Thank-you for your replies. I have approached the subject lightly in the past with my husband but it hasnt gone very well. I get the feeling that he is hoping I will change my mind. He says things like 'I'm sure that they will want to meet their new sibling at the hospital.' But I disagree because of the mood of the household when it gets brought up that I am pregnant. I know that it would mean alot to him to have his kids there but I also don't really want him having to split his attention between everyone. Again very selfish of me.
I know that it is also hard for him to understand why I don't care who is there extended family wise other than his kids. I can hear the 'I'm bored' and 'why do I have to be here' comments already and don't want them around.
The SK are with us everyother week and unfortunatley the due date is when they are with us so its trying to decide to go early to satisify me or go on time and make my husband happy.
Elizabeth you are brave! I can't even stand it when the BM brings up anything about our current and future lives. She is always telling my husband how we should run our household from what we do day to day to how to handle finances. She really liked it when she was married but he was not so that she could have her cake and eat it to. I would literly flip out if she showed up at the hospital!

Elizabeth's picture

Ha ha, I should probably clarify. BM brought SD TO the hospital but did not dare come inside. She called DH's cell phone and he went out and got SD from her car. Then he walked her back down when the visit was over. No way in hel* that woman would show her face in my hospital room right after I gave birth.

Honestly, we were lucky in that both times I went into labor SD was with BM. But if she had not been, DH would have made arrangements to get her to BM. I did not want ANYONE else but DH with me when our BDs were born. I even told the nurses to keep my own family out. I wanted it to be just the two of us, and I knew that if SD was even in the waiting room, DH would feel torn and want to go spend time with her. And if he did that, I might have castrated him right then and there, without pain medication.

I wouldn't say your stepkids can't come see the baby in the hospital. They'll be curious and feel left out. When BM brought SD to see our first BD, SD had poison ivy! I was against that but got overruled. Can you imagine, giving a newborn poison ivy? Luckily, that didn't happen.

purpledaisies's picture

I posted on another board how many had their kids with them while giving birth and in labor. So far everyone has said they did NOT have their other kids there. Either their mom or MIL watched them.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

20 years ago there was only me and one insane BF in the delivery room. Before my miscarriage though, I had opted for a water birth with only my DH and midwife present. If anyone else would have shown up, they had a nice lounge for them to cook, make tea, etc...

purpledaisies's picture

ok so on the other board EVERYONE said so far that they only had their kids there for a short visit after they gave birth and then they left. I don't think it has anything to do with them being skids but the fact that they don't need to be there. Most people didn't even have their own kids there.

hbell0428's picture

I don't think any kids really NEED to be there; I agree with short visits after!! Heck, I didn't even WANT to be there...LOL

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

LOL ^^^

purpledaisies's picture

This is from a nurse: Thought this would help you in talking to your dh.
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Speaking as a maternity nurse, I dislike seeing siblings hanging around during a delivery. As others have said, labor can take a long time. Even a scheduled c section can be delayed. Unfortunately, we've had some delayed for hours if emergencies happen or the labor wing gets unexpectedly very busy. Scheduled c sections are bumped if a Mom in labor needs an emergency section. So even that can get boring for sibs.

Also, it is rare but sometimes even routine, scheduled sections can have complications. For Mom or baby. So you have to be prepared for that.

But for a c section, only the Dad would go in. So who would be watching the other kids? They of course can't be left alone in a waiting room (depending on age, of course). And the staff can't be depended to keep an eye on them.

And will Mom be worrying about the other kids & how they are doing the whole time? She certainly doesn't need that extra stress.

hismineandours's picture

None of my kids, step or bio were present at the births of the others. My last kid (dh and I's) was a planned induction. We scheduled ss (who lived with us at the time) to stay with his bm, my kids stayed at my parents. My parents brought my two kids up to see me the day after the birth or either later that day cant remember which-for a short visit (15 minutes)-right before we left the hospital-dh went and picked up ss (who lived in the same town) and brought him back home with us.
Just tell your dh that you are not comfortable with anyone other than him being present at the birth-as far as bringing skids to hospital for visit-just let him know you dont want to commit to that right now as you are not sure how you will be feeling.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

^^^^good point! ^^^^^ If the skids aren't excited then no sense forcing the baby on them or they will make things miserable for you and hard on dh. When the skids are ready they'll come around. Havin them involved at the baby shower is a good idea too. When my kids were born I also made baskets 'from the baby'. So when dd was born 'she' gave ss a basket of little toys, treats, a big brother shirt. When ds was born 'he' gave a basket to dd and ss. And when #3 was born 'she' gave one to dd and ds (ss wasn't around). Even though you have a teen you could still get her something. All the kids know it isn't from the baby, obviously, but they enjoy getting a gift when the spotlight is all on the baby. It makes them feel likethey aren't forgotten. In your (OP) case it might help them feel like the baby isn't replacing them and they'll know the basket is comic from you.

DaizyDuke's picture

I'd check with your Dr...when I had BS1 last December, because it was flu and cold season the hospital did not allow ANY visitors under the age of 18 (which for me included SD AND SS) So I didn't have to worry about looking like the bad guy. I think you can also stress how unpredicatble the whole event can be. My water broke and then nothing happened... so 52 hours later I was having a C-Section at 4:00 in the morning so it's not like anyone really could have been there anyway... and mind you my MIL was the biggest pain in the butt about wanting to be there.. had me stressed out for a month about it and then like I said, after all of that, it ended up being a non-issue.