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Calling all PAS parents

WwCorgi7's picture

So I have been reading a lot of the recent posts about PAS and just wanted to compile a list from all the step parents/ parents who experienced this just to compare. I've asked and seen a lot of questions about PAS myself, and would love to see a straight forward list of data so to speak. Thanks in advance to everyone who participates. 

1. What age did it begin and what age did they stop visiting?

2. Was there zero contact or an occasional response from them every few months?

3. If the had younger siblings how did they handle it (both bio or half)?

4. Did you/ they fight or let go?

5. What age did they come back and why? Was it because they genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship or did they just want something?

6. Were they welcomed back and what is the relationship like now? How do you as a step parent feel about their re-entry?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

1. . What age did it begin and what age did they stop visiting?

13 with OSD and then a year later when YSD turned 13.

 

2. Was there zero contact or an occasional response from them every few months?

OSD would only come in special occasions to get gifts then fight with SO and leave 

3. If the had younger siblings how did they handle it (both bio or half)?

At first YSD recognized and acknowledged OSD was wrong and being hurtful. Now she is starting to turn and push towards wanting to be with BM and OSD. She has pushed away from SO and is starting to give him a hard time about coming to see him.

4. Did you/ they fight or let go?

He gave up in OSD but is still fighting for YSD in hopes he can save one of his kids 

5. What age did they come back and why? Was it because they genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship or did they just want something?

Remains to be seen.

6. Were they welcomed back and what is the relationship like now? How do you as a step parent feel about their re-entry?

I would never welcome back OSD she is her mother's clone. I am still willing to give YSD a chance if she comes to her senses. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I have two Sd's. One turns 22 at the end of summer and one turns 20 this week. I would say North Korea always PAS's but the girls really stopped visiting at 13ish. Sd21 is back and came around after she graduated when child support ended. Probably cause she wanted money for school and wanted her car insurance to be continued to be paid. I would say we all have a ok relationship with her. DD7 loves her. I noticed yesterday she did a tribute to North Korea on Instagram for Mother's Day and she will probably do one for north's husband on Father's Day. She is in college and makes good grades and still lives with North and they are still enmeshed.

sd20 is a full on prostitute /stripper and sex worker. No one really has a relationship with her and I think her life is pretty much ruined. When you posted about your Sd13 in the full make up and the partying , well that was my SD at that age. I fullly expect to get a call that my Sd has died any day .

tog redux's picture

1. In retrospect, DH feels it started happening the minute SS was born, and BM started positioning herself as the nice parent and him as the mean one.  It really started coming out at 11, when DH filed for divorce.  He was totaled alienated shortly before his 15th birthday.

2. Most of his contacts were hostile if he replied at all for the first year. We did see him twice after a year, that seemed to be orchestrated by BM who said she didn't want to go to court. After the second visit, he again got mad at DH and refused to come over. After that, we didn't see him for 2.5 years, and DH didn't hear any response at all for the last year or so. 

3. No younger siblings.

4. DH had spent the prior 3-4 years in court and chose not to pursue any further court when SS stopped visiting, at his attorney's recommendation (and mine - I had leaving on my mind at that point). 

5. SS came back at 18.5.  BM had taken DH to court for college tuition, and after he told the court he had been alienated from SS for 3 years, here comes SS.  At first he was distant, would reply and then go silent for months, then reply again. SS himself did not request the college tuition or anything else from DH.

6. SS is now 21 and he does reply every time DH reaches out to him, and he sometimes texts DH himself first.  We don't see much of him, partly due to the pandemic, but also that DH doesn't really like who he's become.  Their relationship is still pretty superficial, but at least positive now. 

 

Gimlet's picture

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simifan's picture

PAS was already going on when I entered the picture when SD was three. ExH was "not needed" as SD has a "new dad". The sistuation was a little different then most here as BM had been smacked with the CO several times & ExH had primary placement. SD moved to BM's when she was 19 & took her Stepfathers last name. 

Occasional response. 

DS was confused and upset that SD left and wouldn't speak to him, especially as he lost 2 grandparents within 6 months of SD leaving (She refused to come to either funeral). 

I was done. ExH tried for a while.

Our divorce was the precursor for her reentry into ExH life.

I asked they never talked about her leaving or changing her name. They have a very superficial relationship at best. I was blamed as the wicked step mother for throwing her out (didn't happen, she left) & all her life woes. 

Mamabearof3's picture

My SD was always alienated to an extent. She was always reinforced that her mom and even grandparents were more important and more her boss than dad. She is 15 now and it's escalated to no contact twice now. Once at 9 years till 11. And once at 14. For a few months. She is talking to me a lot now. The problem is she understands that her mom doesn't like her seeing or communicating with us. No child wants to upset mom. Her line of thinking and behavior will be affected into adulthood I'm sure. I've always sent gifts letters and whatever else though. Keep trying. 

stepper47's picture

1. What age did it begin and what age did they stop visiting - according to DH, BM has always undermined when it came to the kids as she has a controlling personality type, but I would say my SD being preteen around 12 was when I noticed BM actively taking her during DH's time, as if she were the one in charge.  On paper they had 50/50.  SD stopped coming here for visitation right before her 16th birthday, after she came home (here) drunk and passing out, got caught lying about going to another party the next time she was staying here, and BM "rescued" SD because DH "yelled" at her.  Bm refused to cooperate with DH in enforcing consequences.  She gave SD the master bedroom and newer car at her house, and SD has not been back.

2.  Was there zero contact or occasional response - rollercoasters of both.  Weeks or even months at a time of SD not responding at all, then something would happen to thaw the ice and all would be ok with normal responses until something set her off and back to abusive language and no contact.  DH to my knowledge has been consistent about reaching out at least through text regardless if whether she is responding. 

3.  If they had younger siblings, how did they handle - no young siblings. SD does have an older brother 22 who feels caught in the middle, but it seems like BM has focused more on SD than SS as far as influence.  SS has considered our house as home base through his college years but there has been some issues that have come up that I feel are a result of influence from BM and SD

4. Did you fight or let go? DH has just tried to continue reaching out, I think he realizes more than anyone else what he is up against with BM and how much control she can have over a situation. SD has similar traits to BM.  DH I think would have been ok with SD choosing to live with BM when she did, he understands being in one house and wanting to be with her mom, but the hateful way in how everything has been done has been really hard on him.  It seemed like in the beginning he didn't recognize that how he was being treated was borderline abusive, he was still operating out of guilt.  Now he is just trying to do what he feels is right in keeping some kind of connection to his daughter. I would say in the beginning he did some chasing but I don't see that now.  I do not actively do anything related to my SD,  not that I did a lot before but I would suggest inviting her to things from time to time.  I feel like it is clear she is not interested in anything to do with me so I just try to support her dad. We would both be here if she ever decides she wants a healthy respectful relationship.  So, no giving up, but I think once we are past high school graduation I don't see that DH will be doing a lot of active pursuit other than trying to check in text from time to time.  

4&5 remain to be seen.  Right now things are Not Good with SD, although the door is mildly cracked with graduation coming.  After that, I see her moving off to college and doing her own thing.   I think DH will continue to try to reach out, but possibly not as much.  With all our little chicks being adults, we have kind of decided it's time to focus on ourselves and not let too much negative into our lives.  We love all our kids, and we are here for them, but we want it to be healthy for all of us.     We will see what happens, I just pray a lot!  

Cover1W's picture

1. What age did it begin and what age did they stop visiting?

With OSD it likely started around age 12.5 and was full on by age 13. It began with DH's time being used for more fun stuff at BMs and that time not made up and/or no make up time being offered to DH (note DH just allowed this as well). She also started dissing where we lived, the school, the people and started fighting us on all house rules around then.  She fully left our home the spring of her 8th grade year and never returned, so age 13.5.

2. Was there zero contact or an occasional response from them every few months?

At first zero contact then one gruding meeting with OSD and DH at a "public space" with a "neutral adult" (which was a joke becuase it was a close friend of BMs). OSD had a timer. It was a disaster but DH did tell her the truth and didn't let her spin lies. OSD left in a huff.  Another meeting took place before our trip to Europe (DH required it if OSD was to come). He was livid after that meeting he said because it was clear she wasn't there to talk with him but to fulfill the requirement of going on the trip. He took her with us anyway which was not good either (my blogs cover all this stuff).

3. If the had younger siblings how did they handle it (both bio or half)?

YSD acts like nothing happened, doesn't talk about it, and is super uncomfortable if DH even mentions OSD. Which he does now and then but not to get info out of YSD but just acknowledge OSD's existance.  YSD is experiencing PAS as well but a lot of it is from OSD from info we've been able to figure out.  We think YSD will be pretty much gone when she starts in person school near BMs next year (age 15).

4. Did you/ they fight or let go?

DH fought, demanded meetings, counseling, but BM never supported him, only OSD. So there was no hope. And he refused to fight in court as he saw it as a losing battle anyway.  He let her go only because there is no other option. But he's still upset about it and wants her to interact.

5. What age did they come back and why? Was it because they genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship or did they just want something?

If she agrees to see him it'll involve college $$.  He won't give her college $ without a decent, mature conversation.

6. Were they welcomed back and what is the relationship like now? How do you as a step parent feel about their re-entry?

Not here yet. I have made it clear to DH that as of right now I want nothing to do with her because she was really, really terrible. She knew exactly what she was doing and her leaving was completely planned. She just timed it with an argument that made it look like she left because of that.

Rags's picture

Our situation is atypical.  My DW was the CP and it was the NCP side of the equation that was PASing and manipulating.  They would Power PAS SS when he was in SpermLand on long distance visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).

1. What age did it begin and what age did they stop visiting?

At some level it began when he was in the late toddler stage. It continued all through the term of the CO and for a few years after he aged out from under the CO at 18.  Mainly with the SpermClan pressuring him to initiate direct deposit from his pay checks to help support his three also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs  by two other baby mamas.  He shut that crap down at which point they pretty much cut off all contact him for several years.  Once they stopped paying for his travel to visit them, he stopped visiting.

2. Was there zero contact or an occasional response from them every few months?

From day one they never contacted us to speak with SS. Not once in the 16+ years we lived under SS's CO.  The only contact was for my DW to schedule their visitation travel flights or to rant and rave over some perceived slight that clearly indicated that they never read to the CO or any of the supplemental county or State rules and regs.

Even when the SpermIdiot would call periodically to cry about how much he loved my DW, how much he missed his family, and how much he wanted her back, he would not ask to speak with his son.  My DW would laugh at him, ask if he wanted to speak to the Skid, then hand the phone to SS.  That conversation would last somewhere between 30sc and 90sec and SS would hand the phone back to his mom who would promptly hang up.

3. If the had younger siblings how did they handle it (both bio or half)?

We never had ours spawn.  SS-28 is an only child in our marriage but is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by three different under aged baby mamas.   As #s2-4 arrived their ranting and manipulation of SS increased as they seemingly enjoyed piling him up with crap about how the CS they paid for him was taking food out of the mouths of his younger half sibs and how it was not fair that he had nice things and his three younger half sibs did not. That $110/mo in CS paid for a ton of new cars, homes, expensive vacations, expensive clothes, etc, etc, etc... At least in their feeble minds anyway.  SpermGrandPa about stroked out when his idiot son's CS went up to $133/mo.  The SpermIdiot never paid a penny of his CS obligation or a penny of SS's visitation travel costs. The SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa paid every cent of it for their idiot son.

4. Did you/ they fight or let go?

We tolerated no crap and smacked the crap out of them with a rolled up copy of the CO, supplemental county rules, and State regs any time they even twitched out of line with reasonable behavior or any of the court ordered stipulations.

They attempted to weasel out of any number of clearly stipulated guidelines.  Nope. We made them suffer for that crap and brought the pain.

5. What age did they come back and why? Was it because they genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship or did they just want something?

SS-28, his mom, and I have remained very close.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.  He has nearly zero communication or relationship with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.  Except for with  SpermIdiot spawn #2, his sister, who he does stay in touch with.  Of the 4, they are the two who recognize their SpermIdiot and the extended SpermClan for what they are.  The  youngest two worship the SpermIdiot and are hell bent on delivering on his dreams of gang-banger greatness.  #3 just started his felony prison sentence for burglary and terroristic threats and #4 is not far behind his next eldest brother. They are the two full sibs in the SpermIdiot's brood.

6. Were they welcomed back and what is the relationship like now? How do you as a step parent feel about their re-entry?

Since our script is flipped from the usual blended family story this question has a different angle to it.  SS never left other than to launch.  His mom and I and our extended family remain very close.   There was no break so there has been no need for a re-entry.

As for SS's relationship with his SpermClan, it is odd.  There was no real break. He got sick of their manipulative crap and they got sick of him baring their idiot asses when they tried to manipulate him.  Once the CO expired and they were off the hook for CS (which SS let them off the hook for, he could have nailed them for 4 more years of CS had he chosen to invoke the college student CS period extension that is allowed in SpermLand) they basically ended all contact with him and he made no effort to interface with them.  Though he has met us in SpermLand for events with my IL clan and when he is there with us he will make an effort to visit with them for a few hours.

 

As much as I and my DW detest their very existence, we have always guided SS to be respectful and make an effort with them.  As he, and his sister, have gained their own level of experience and understanding of the shit show that the SpermClan is..... they have formed a somewhat close and supportive relationship with each other.  My SS has no use or respect for his BioDad.  His sister absolutely detests the POS.

An interesting shift occurred after my adoption of SS was complete.  When he called SpermGrandHag, who was our primary SpermClan cross to bear, she congratulated him and told him she was happy that he had a good man to raise him and set an example for him as a man, a husband, and a father.  Where was that level of reasonableness during the CO years where she was a complete PITA and a Hag of monumental proportions?

Unknw

She made our lives a living hell.

For a microsecond I actually felt a bit sorry for her.  Then my memory of her toxic bullshit smacked me in the face and I purged that feeling sorry for her crap from my mind.

BPDHell's picture

My ex-h tried to PAS my kids, who were 15 and 18 when I left. It did not last very long, I can't exactly remember the time frame, I just remember it ended 2 weeks after they moved in with him to 'take care' of him because I was an evil witch. Literally, he was telling them I'd been brainwashed by a witch's cult (?), it's the only thing he believed would have caused me to leave him! Bahahahaha! I have no idea where he got that from, but I remember my children's reaction after 2 weeks of living with him without me there - they were furious! He expected them to take care of him like I had, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He would make messes and then yell at them for it. Hahahaha! Good times. The kids were pissed and came flying through my door one day raving about how they understood why I left him.lol That was the end of the PASing.

They have a decent relationship with their dad today, but if they have a problem or need advice, they come to me. Currently, my DH and I are the only people who know my youngest and his wife are pregnant again, they won't announce to anyone else for another month, not even his dad knows. My daughter also discusses a lot of serious things with me she never tells her dad. That's the result of being the parent and not the bff!

CLove's picture

1. What age did it begin and what age did they stop visiting?

A: SD22 Feral Forger was PAS'ed and used it to play the houses against each other. Most of the alienation was directed at me. DH was called a "deadbeat" occasionally, but not to the children. FF left at 18. Of her own volition. SD14 Backstabber still maintains that she wants a relationship with dadee, but not me. Evil SM.

2. Was there zero contact or an occasional response from them every few months?

A: Occasional contact, when DH would text her. But when he asked her out for dinner or lunch - fathers day & birthdays she was always always busy. No contact with me. This was before she moved in with Toxic Troll Bm. We invited her for Christmas Dinner, and took her out for a birthday dinner a month ago. I recieve the occasional text.

3. If they had younger siblings how did they handle it (both bio or half)?

A: The younger one is now mucking around in the Toxic Sludge.

4. Did you/ they fight or let go?

A: There was never a fight. DH just let Feral Forger go do her thing. Her thing consists of no job, no drivers license, no college and just hang around Toxic Trolls apartment, sleeping. SD14 Backstabber, well shes got 3 more years to go of visitation, in MY home. We shall see how that goes...

5. What age did they come back and why? Was it because they genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship or did they just want something?

Feral Forger SD22 - she is more responsive to having a relationship with DH & I now. And now we have good/great reason not to trust her. She is in it for $$ but I think she genuinely wants a relationship with her father. Toxic Troll keeps texting that Feral Forger is "sad because her dadee always chooses cLove over her, his child". But DH has mentioned that he tried and she didnt have time for him.

6. Were they welcomed back and what is the relationship like now? How do you as a step parent feel about their re-entry?

A: Yes, and its a civil one. At best they are respectful, but they have no true love for me.

WwCorgi7's picture

Wow, thanks for all the replies! Seems like 13 is the magical age but a lot of PAS going on when they were little. It also seems to trickle down to the younger skids. For most it seems like superficial/awkward relationships form if/ when they try to come back. You all seem more forgiving than I am. It seems like many are more supportive and leaving the door open for them. I went back in forth feeling sorry, being worried about her, and resentful. After lot of things we have recently found out she is not welcome back in my house. Nor is she allowed near my children either. I understand she is a kid being 13 and technically BM's fault, but after years and years of her antics she can go to hell.

Dh no longer wants to fight and considered pulling the case. He decided just to go through with this part just to prove he is not trying to abandon SD and he did fight for her even though she wished him dead. That way when she comes around in a few years asking for a car or money he will hand her the lawyer invoice and she will know what the money was spent on. Dh didn't know much about PAS. I read him some of the stories and replies from everyone that posted and he said "I can't believe there are others just like me". I guess he didn't realize that it is pretty common.