Buying a house
I'm sure you've all followed along with my soap opera of a relationship. My SO and I have definitely had our struggles. I'm looking for unbiased opinions. We currently struggle with the size of our home. We have been looking to buy a house. The current plan was for my SO to buy the house. The loan is very small and we have been struggling to find a house big enough for all of us. I only have on child with my SO. We would need an additional two bedrooms minimum to accommodate his other children. We only see them every other weekend. We have been pushing for more time. We would like every other week or every other two weeks. None of that has been decided yet.
My question is: Would you marry someone for a better mortgage? Would you marry someone for a bigger house?
I truly believe that lack of space is one of our main struggles. Throw in a little unbalanced work/home/chore life. The lack of space has been giving me crazy anxiety and it's making me burnout and at times I've started lashing out. I know there's more to it. I know we both need individual therapy and we need to work on our home life a little more. We would like to have a real wedding some day. We can't afford to do any of that right now. The marriage would be purely paperwork at this point.
Would you legally bind yourself to someone for more space?
You can buy a house together
You can buy a house together without getting married. You should have the loan person that approved him run your information to see if it would be beneficial and actually allow you to purchase a bigger house. If you break up one of you would have to be able to refinance to carry the house on your own or sell it. Even if you are married and get divorced while the court can rule the other person has to sell, if you read on here enough lots of ex spouses do whatever they want and stay.
I'd rent a bigger house first to see if that even fixes anything. Also if your partner getting more parenting time means the biological mother gets less child support I don't see that happening. You might get the kids more but as soon as you try to get child support reduced she will take his time away.
just my thoughts I hope you can find a solution that gives you peace. I see a therapist for anxiety and getting put on meds was the best choice I've made. I wish I would have done it sooner.
Not for the type of loan he
Not for the type of loan he would be approved for. Renting a bigger house is way out of the price range. We already rent way under what most people in our area rent for. A mortgage would be half of that.
No, I would not put myself in
No, I would not put myself in a financial risk that way and would not recommend home ownership of a bigger house (more maintenance, $, chores, harder upkeep, etc.) unless you are solid in your relationship and future. And if you buy now, with the housing marked so inflated it is a risk.
I was perfectly willing to move out of renting a small house with DH and leave him on his own prior to our purchasing together. We had a lot of talks about it and who would do what - don't get me started on who is ACTUALLY doing most of what and what ohers are not doing as discussed....but if DH and I weren't solid I'd dump the house.
And he knows it. In fact, we've talked very recently about selling the house if YSD does not come over 50/50 next year - we both anticipate that happening. So we got a bigger house, only to have OSD PAS'd out 2 years later and to have YSD cut back visitation most likely 6 years later. Fun times. At least we do like it and love where we live, but is it forever? No.
No, I would not do that. I
No, I would not do that. I might look into finding a rental and at most signing a lease together for a year for a home with more room.
There is no such thing as stupid questions….
Until now.
smh
No, no one, even with only two functioning brain cells where one cell was giving the other CPR, would get married for a bigger house.
Because you feel compelled to ask this question I suggest maintaining the smallest possible domicile to raise your baby in while having a very small space for Skids to sleep when on visitation.
Do not bind yourself to a long term financial obligation with this guy and do not participate financially in any endeavor that you do not have an official/ownership position in.
Would you legally bind
Would you legally bind yourself to someone for more space?
Good Lord, no, absolutely not.
I believe that one of the smartest things I ever did, was buy a home solo, that I could afford on my salary only (and that we could have afforded on DH's salary, had I lost my job). Point being, don't combine salaries to get a better loan amount (married or not). Certainly, don't get married just to get a bigger loan/bigger house.
Moving isn't going to solve anything, because all of those problems are coming with you, and you will be legally tying yourself to a man with a lot of baggage.
Completely agree with this. ^^^^^
And if you buy now, with the housing marked so inflated it is a risk.
Also agree with this.
Where are you living, now? A rental, an apartment, a house that you own, that your partner owns, what?
We're currently in a rental.
We're currently in a rental. He pays more in child support than we do on rent. It's impossible to get ahead when what I make covers the other bills and food. A mortgage would cut the housing cost in half. I understand all the other maintenance of a house. I get that. We're squeezing 6 people and two small dogs into a tiny townhome. It's stressful. I feel like the lack of space is the root case of a majority of our issues. All I would like to do is have enough space to put our groceries away and mop a floor without running into something or someone.
I really don't know if I can do another year in this townhouse. It's really hard to explain why lack of space is so stressful to me.
Would I if I didn't have a
Would I if I didn't have a child with them? Possibly. I'd need a pre-nup and would have to trust them pretty deeply. I'd marry my best friend to get a mortgage and have affordable housing, but that's because I'd look at it entirely as a business arrangement.
Would I marry someone I had a kid with and a rocky relationship for a mortgage? No. Too many ways that could go sideways, and divorce with a kid is a nightmare.
Why do you need to be married to buy a house together? DH and I bought our first house before we were married, so it's entirely possible to do. He was too recently employed at his job to use his income for the mortgage so our pre-approval was based on my income. We got an FHA loan because we didn't qualify for a VA loan since I was the primary borrower and DH didn't have the income to match it. It's entirely possible to do this without getting married. Twice the paperwork, but possible.
The VA loan that we was
The VA loan that we was approved for would not include my income because we are not married. I was also not married to him during the time that we was in the military.
I have definitely considered drawing something up for the possibility of divorce. We have already agreed to a possible CO or parenting plan if we were to no longer be together even if we were to never marry. We both know what a nightmare his ex is.
So can he not get a high
So can he not get a high enough pre-approval on his income alone to find a house without your income? What would the upfront cost difference be between an FHA and VA loan?
He can get the house solely in his name and quitclaim you after the fact. If he needs extra money for the down payment that would come from you, you should be able to gift it to him (or you give the money to someone who can gift it to him and they gift it). A decent loan officer should be able to help you figure all this out.
What I'm gathering, though, is that you want to be married and it sounds like you're using this as an excuse to make it happen. Don't do that. While a marriage license can be pretty harmless, it becomes far more harmful once kids and assets, like a house, are in the picture. Instead of spending the money on attorney, notary, and court fees to draw up a legally-binding agreement (because I wouldn't trust a pre-nup that hasn't been vetted by an attorney because state law trumps any agreement you two come to without proper legal representation), put the money towards an FHA loan instead. You pay it out anyway through a VA loan (unless he's disabled), just differently.
While a marriage license can
While a marriage license can be pretty harmless, it becomes far more harmful once kids and assets, like a house, are in the picture.
Yep. A marriage license invites the state into your relationship. Make no mistake as to who is the boss.
There is no down payment for
There is no down payment for a VA loan. He loan amount that he was approved for would never cover the cost of a home that the VA inspector would approve. A traditional loan could be anywhere between 10%-30% down. I don't have 25K to just throw at anyone.
I would like to get married eventually. We're not in a financial spot to have a traditional wedding. Getting married for a loan is not my idea of the marriage that I want for myself. If I wanted to go the selfish route then I'd be saying "Fuck your BM and your kids." I'd be telling him to get a hotel room for his kids when he gets them for visitation because in the long run that would actually be cheaper than buying a house that they all fit in. I actually give a shit about his kids. I would like for them to have a home that they enjoy. No one likes living here. It sucks.
First, him not being able to
First, him not being able to afford enough house for his kids is HIS problem. Not yours. Not the kids. HIS. Don't strap yourself to something that could hurt you and your child to protect him and his kids. I don't mean that cruelly, I just mean it realistically. No one wins if you both end up losing.
Second, FHA loans don't require any money down, either, and aren't as stringent on repairs as VA. I've had both kinds of homes, and as I already mentioned, got the FHA loan based on my income BUT could still have DH on the mortgage to help with the down payment, closing costs, etc.
Third, short-term, marriage is the faster and cheaper option maybe. You'll want to talk to your loan officer to make sure that you and SO wouldn't have a waiting period before using your income.
I have purchased 7 homes in
I have purchased 7 homes in my life and never put a penny down on any of them. I have used both FHA financing and Conventional.
There may be no need to put any money down. You may also be able to get out of buyer's closing costs by negotiating when you make an offer.
Depending on the housing market you are attempting to buy in.
You care about them because
You care about them because you see them very little. Ramp that up to them always being there, which could happen, you going to kick your partner out of his own house because of his own children.
My husband got an FHA loan at
My husband got an FHA loan at 22 on his own income (we didn't want any legal ties before we married and were very young and not ready to get married yet). We didn't need a huge down payment either. I believe we put down around 7k or 8k on a 200k loan. I contributed around 3k and he made up the difference. I don't think a down on an FHA would be anything close to 25k unless you were buying a really expensive home.
Space will help you avoid but not eliminate the problems.
I'm really not trying to
I'm really not trying to argue about a loan here. A 250K home in my area isn't a habitable home. The 250k range for a 3-5 bedroom home is damaged or condemned or in a poor neighborhood. He was only approved for a 200k loan. With our combined income it would put us in the 250k-320k range. We have enough savings for closing costs which our realtor(family friend) is estimating to be anywhere from $3,000 to $10,000. That's not including moving cost and our final 60 days of rent here.
I'm not sure what the conditions were like when you were all buying your homes but it is not the same. It is not a buyers market right now.
I'm not trying to argue about
I'm not trying to argue about a loan here either. I realize it's a not a buyer's market. We are selling our home right now to take advantage of that fact. I also realize cost varies by location, what I get for 200k here isn't the same as other places.
That being said more space isn't going to help you. You obviously have your mind made up that you want to marry this guy and think that a bigger house is the solution to all your problems. However, I don't think one person is going to say this is a good idea in the slightest. Go for it.
Do you think
Buying a home with two exter bedrooms for SK to used EOWN is a good idea? Spending all that exter money for 52 days a year ? But this is SO problem not yours. If he can not afford it. Then he must make other arrangements. Basement rooms.
There are tons of loan
There are tons of loan options with many not requiring large downpayments... I am assuming that there are some savings that could partially be used for a downpayment or closing costs if needed. Otherwise buying a home would be ill advised if there aren't funds to deal with upkeep issues and ongoing maintenance of the home.
I agree with the many posters that are telling you that a larger home will not be the "fix" that will improve everything. You stand a great chance of being miserable in larger square footage.
Certainly, I get that being cramped isn't ideal.. but the root issues underneath it all are the real problem.. not lack of space because if things were working in a healthy way.. the smaller space would be workable because everyone would be able to make it work. You may assume his kids will just compartmentalize themselves in their new space.. but they will be just as pervasive and invasive of your space in a larger home. this will NOT fix those issues really.
Right now, housing markets are crazy in almost every market. This is a wholly terrible time to be a buyer IMHO. I would do some big searching on rental opportunities in your area to see if that would be possible. It might not be your ideal home.. but it might be a half step that doesn't require you all to settle for "just" what he can afford and doesn't paint you into that corner if/when things don't work out.
I would start with the
I would start with the therapy. See what that brings up and what you two are able to resolve with better communication and better understanding of each other through therapy.
Then I would look at ways that you two can try to come up with a deposit. It may mean holding out on buying somewhere for a couple of years, but owning a property with 0% equity in it is not the best move (see 2008).
Then if and only if you both feel that space is a large part of your issues and if you are both still determined to go though with this marriage plan to get the loan, I would treat it as the buisness arrangement that you are proposing. In my mind marriage has been a buisness arrangement for milenia and I see nothing wrong with consciously choosing that as an option these days. It must however be a conscious decision and it must be backed up with a thourough plan that covers who pays for what, who owns what in the case of a divorce and (as you have a child) how any child support and visitation will be determined should you two split. Having wills drawn up will also be important to protect yourselves.
If everything is fine that it
If everything is fine then it's all going to be Dandy. Next thing you know you have his kids living with you full time for some reason that you didn't expect and he can't say no to his darling $ucked up children and then you are stuck.
Short answer, since you are on step talk. Nope!!!
I now have skids ALL the time, no break even during covid. They don't want to go to their dads anymore. Chances are they will probably want to live with mum as it is their main home,but if that mum son/daughter relationship breaks down or they want to live/ go to school in the city you live in....Hello. Welcome to full time step parenting.
People don't always
People don't always understand huge housing differences in different areas of the country and the world. My DD and son in law live in a half million $ place. Where I am at you can live in a mansion for that kind of money but where they are at their place is very small and is nothing to write home about. They pay for the area
I would only buy a house with
I would only buy a house with a man I intend to spend my life with and am very happy with. Never in a million years would I be buying houses if my relationship isn't solid and I sure wouldn't marry