Buying a house
I would please like to have an external output about this. My BF and I have been living together for almost 1.5 years in an appartment. He's been wanting us to buy a house together for some time and he's putting more and more pressure on me. I don't have any kids and he has two (SS6 and SD8) with 50/50 custody. I feel like I'm not completely ready and still trying to figure out this new whole step-thing. He feels I've had enough time and we should move on to the next step. Am I in the wrong for wanting things to go slowly or is he pushing too far too soon? I've had a rough time trying to adapt to have his noisy entitled kids around half of the time. My BF has Guilty Daddy syndrome and tends to be dominated by his kids, and I don't want to spend all my money into buying a house to then have a child-centric home ruled by the stepkids. He already has difficulties being in control in our appartment, so I would like him to gain back control before we go further. But he doesn't seem to get it and I feel completely misunderstood.
Any advice?
Do NOT let him pressure you
Do NOT let him pressure you into doing something that you're not ready to do. That's a huge red flag. What's the rush?
Another red flag is that he's telling you what YOU should be feeling -- HE feels you should be ready to do this. He doesn't get to decide that. Are you an equal partner in this relationship, or not?
Seriously, why does he want to buy the house when he KNOWS you are not ready? It is so selfish.
Don't do it. You are
Don't do it. You are obviously not completely comfortable with the situation. Don't trap yourself by putting a lot of your available funds into a house with a boyfriend.
If he's so anxious to live together in a house, why not have him buy it on his own, and you help with the expenses (maybe 1/3, since he accounts for 2/3 of the people living in it). When and if the two of you marry, he could add you to the title.
If you do decide to buy a house together, please see a lawyer and get a good tenancy in common agreement that will protect you and enable you to get out if things don't work out. I bought a house when I was with a former boyfriend. My parents wisely insisted that I buy the house alone, and title it in my name only. Good move, as 8 months later we ended our many year relationship. Had the house been jointly owned, it would have been a mess. Even now that I'm married to DH, the house remains in my name and I have no plans to change that.
We had a talk yesterday and
We had a talk yesterday and he mentionned for the first time that he was starting to wonder if he should buy himself a house and ask me for a rent. I'm not confortable with that. First, I also want to own a property (mine or ours), not pay a rent forever. Second, if we do that, it will be his house that he chooses and his rules, and make it even more difficult for me to have a say in anything. I would end up paying as much as an owner, but with less power.
I understand that, but you
I understand that, but you can agree that if and when you get married, he'll add you to the deed. You can also give input on which house is ultimately purchased - you will, after all, be living there. You can also let him know that you will only be paying 1/3 of a reasonable rent and that as a paying adult in the household you expect to have a say in how the household is run. Your power is walking away if the relationship isn't working. These days most people do not get a tax benefit from home ownership. If he ups his parenting game and your relationship progresses, you can be added to the deed and therefore have the benefit of any appreciation (also no guarantee). If he doesn't, it's a lot easier for you to leave if you desire to.
As I mentioned above, I own the home my DH and I live in. That doesn't mean that I make all the rules and he has no say in anything. It just means that my name is on the deed. In an equal relationship, the home ownership would not be held over one partner's head and used to control them or make all the rules.
Um, NO. Just because you are
Um, NO. Just because you are "renting" or don't officially jointly own it, doesn't mean you have NO say when it comes to household decisions. This is a HUGE red flag. Why would he totally dismiss you if you aren't an owner? That's not considerate or treating you like an equal.
I understand wanting to buy property, build equity, etc. But it's not worth the finacial risk right now IMHO.
What makes you think you are going to
Have equal say in a house you help pay for. ? You should make him start parenting his kids NOW. He is not going to change when he gets his house. Unless you get something written down on paper as a contract with what will happen if he doesn't live up to his part in it . Done before getting into this
You already see RED flags. Kind control him. , ex control him ?
I totally agree, which is why
I totally agree, which is why I don't want to do the move yet.
Buying a house is a bigger
Buying a house is a bigger commitment thant marriage IMO. While we were homeowners before we were married, my husband and I didn't jointly own property until we had 2 kids together and were married for 6 years, and I was still hesitant. If he buys, and you pay rent, you should only pay for 1/3 of expenses in the house since he has 2 full people (him and 2 kids 50% time). If you want to own a house, buy one yourself and let BF pay rent, or just don't live together.
Agree
Don't buy any house with him until:
- he can parent his kids to make them worth living with. Otherwise, you will spend YEARS being miserable with your assets tied up to prevent you from leaving
- you have spoken to a lawyer to make sure any agreements needed to protect your assets and wills leaving his half of the property to you if he passes away since you are not married.
- frankly, there are red flags waving all.over.this. This sounds like a great deal for him and his kids and a terrible deal for you. I own my house and it's in my name. As a single childless woman you have to protect yourself.
I think OP, from your first
I think OP, from your first post, you know that this is a bad idea.
The cheek of it! Him telling you what you should be feeling/doing - all the while not doing anything about his poor parenting.
Those kids will just get worse as they get older too.
You deserve better.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your feedback, I really appreciate. Thank you for validating that I am not an evil uncommitted monster for not wanting to jump in and buy a house without being sure that I will live in a stepmom-friendly environment.
Buying a house together is a
Buying a house together is a huge commitment and not a wise one to do with someone you aren't married to. Go with his plan - you two pick out the house and he buys it. You pay rent until you have decided to stay and get married, then he puts you on the deed. That what DH and I did before we were married. But be honest with yourself, you have one foot out the door here, and he knows it.
Well I can't make plans
Well I can't make plans according to a future possibility of getting married, because I'm not sure this will ever happen. And I won't have any say for choosing a house if I'm not buying it too.
Why not? DH and I looked at
Why not? DH and I looked at houses together before we got married and he bought it, knowing I'd be added to the deed eventually.
Why would you buy a house with a guy you aren't sure you will be marrying? That's kind of putting the cart before the horse.
Maybe it's a cultural thing,
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but marriage isn't something systematic where I live. Unmarried couples having kids or buying a house isn't a rare thing around here.
The fact that you get 0 say
The fact that you get 0 say if you aren't a partial owner is telling. I get the sense he is using you.
Well he hasn't told me that
Well he hasn't told me that to be honest, that's just my assumption. I feel like I have leverage here since we co-rent, but I'm afraid this would change if we were to live in HIS house.
The simple fact of the matter
The simple fact of the matter is that if that makes a difference in how he treats you and how your input is considered.. you are well rid of him and lucky that you don't have to worry about getting your money back from the house.
1. If he is the right partner for you.. he will consider your opinion when selecting a house.
2. If he is the right partner, he will want to add you to the deed when you do marry (assuming you have some buy in on the equity in some manner.. since your not putting a downpayment in initially).
3. If he is the right man for you.. he will treat you as an equal in the home you share with him.. no matter whether your name is on the deed. He will be happy to set a fair rent/contribution for you to pay (you share the current housing cost.. sharing some of the cost of the new home is reasonable).
If he holds it over you that it is "his house, his rules".. he isn't the right man.. and you will be happy to walk away without having sunk money into a joint home.
I think there are a number of
I think there are a number of things going on here that make the home buying concept seem like an issue in and of itself when that is really just a symptom of larger issues.
To view it in the most literal sense: are each of you ready, willing and able to become home owners independently of the other?
If that's a no, really examine what is the driving force for the pressure on this next step.
If its a yes, examine why one or both of you has not done so as an individual and don't seem willing to do so as an individual.
Joint property ownership should be mutually beneficial and advance the partnership towards shared goals, not advance or subsidize one over the other.
There are ways to protect your financial investment in a joint ownership scenario, I don't think that is the road block here.
You should not accept a blatant imbalance as a roommate or tenant let alone a property owner and certainly not as a life partner.
If this guy isn't willing to do anything but dismiss your concerns out of hand he's got no business living with, let alone buying property with, another person. Your concerns are valid not only as a potential property owner but as his supposed partner and someone he loves.
His reaction tells me that not only are your hesitations understandable but justifiable. He should be open to discussing your concerns and brainstorming ways to help alleviate them.
SO and I are not married but we do jointly own property. We, and our individual investments, are both protected. I'm more than happy to share how we approached things if you're interested.
Having said that, though, I think you guys have a lot to address before you can even seriously discuss the real possibility of purchasing a house together. Core relationship type stuff, not the boring and tedious legalities.
I totally agree, I think our
I totally agree, I think our relationship still requires some adjustments and I think this should occur BEFORE any type of big commitment. But he doesn't seem to get it. I don't know how to make him understand.
He needs your money to
He needs your money to execute his less than well thought out plan. It is your money, it is your call. You are not married so if you don't want a house, so be it. However, if you buy the house before you are married, it is your house and what you say goes. If you do choose to buy a house, make sure it is in your name only and let your BF know that his residence there, as well as the residence of his failed family progeny is at your discretion.
In the situation you describe, I would stay as liquid as possible, and give BF clarity that he grows up, becomes self sufficent, and catches a clue about putting you and his relationship with you above all else, including his failed family children.
Until then, do not get papers with this man, and for sure do not pollute your own gene pool by having a child with him.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Whatever you do, don't become
Whatever you do, don't become financially responsible. Is he "ready for the next step" so he can qualify for a larger loan? Don't get on the mortgage and don't get on the deed. Keep your options open if you do move in. Don't combine finances. If HE wants a house, HE can buy one. Let BF know your concerns. You can still "move forward" by moving in with him. Then, if it doesn't work out, you are free to go. I feel too many SP get responsibilities dumped on them because of lazy BPs. Then partners get entagled because of finances. Just keep in mind. Best of luck.
You feel completely
You feel completely misunderstood because your bf is wilfully misunderstanding. Look, he's already bleeding you. You moved in to an appartment bigger than you need and are paying MUCH more than your fair share. I'd say he wants to move on to the next step so that he can have the comfort and security of his own home in which to let his kids run wild. If you buy a place with him you are never going to have any peace. He will still be inviting his kids into your bedroom, his kids will still be crapping themselves all over the place, and he will still not be parenting but somehow ... just somehow... his kids will become your responsibility to raise. He's sucking you in little by little so that, not only do you pay for him and his kids but you also run after them and raise them for him while he can sit back and put his feet up.
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS PERSON! Not now, not ever.
Well the answer is don't do
Well the answer is don't do it. Do not do anything you are not completely comfortable with. That being said now is a horrible time to buy a house. Chances are you will overpay and lose money on it long term when the interest rates go up, the eviction mandate expires and more homes are available on the market. Realtors will tell you otherwise. Don't listen to them. They will say anything to make a sale.
Two things about your relationship concern me here.
1. The fact that your bf keeps pressuring you and is not listening to your concerns enough. He is also not valuing your needs. This is not a good sign.
2. The fact that his kids rule the house.
Both of these factors do not bode well for you in the long run either when it comes to your relationship. Please think this through and do not make any big decisions until there are serious changes made. It seems like a very one sided relationship where him and his kids rule and your come last. There is also no rush to buy a house, especially now of all times. You will both probably benefit greatly by waiting a couple years to buy one anyways.
Great advice.
We just signed a lease on a villa/condo in LV rather than entering this insane real estate market. A very good friend of mine who owns a major real estate office in LV guided me to not consider buying for 12-24 months due to the moratorium on foreclosures and evictions. There are ~40K distressed properties in LV that will all hit the market nearly simultaneously once the moratorium is lifted and prices will adjust aggressively when the supply Vs demand curve shifts.
We are keeping our home in Houston and are on an accelerated pay off schedule in an effort to avoid the insane housing inflation trend. Once it is paid off that will be or housing nest egg and we will either make that our retirement home or sell it and use the funds to buy somewhere else. We got in before the major shift in the market and though the Houston market is inflating regarding housing prices it is still fairly reasonable.
While there certainly are markets that are buyer friendly, many are so heavily biased towards the seller that entering those markets for most people is pure insanity.
We were considering becoming full timers with an RV as a second home rather than renting. Unfortunately the RV supply is extremely tight due to the housing market insanity and the one we want is not available for a year +.
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you said. Buying a home before the eviction mandate is lifted and before the interest rates are raised is beyond insanity. Right now is a sellers market exclusively.
I know this answer is
I know this answer is probably not what you want to hear, but if I were you, I'd leave the relationship. You have no bios and he has 2 kids and you've already acknowledged his parenting is not what you like. Imagine if y'all get married. It will only get harder. I say this with love!