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Bridge Baby anyone?

PolyMom's picture

DH and I have been married two and a half years, and known each other for 5. I'm 34, he's 37. We each have two kids of our own, aged 5-11. Things are going pretty well. So we've both really been on the fence about having a baby together. When we first met I switched BC from the pill to an IUD because I noticed I would stop taking it here and there, and I wanted to make sure I had a method that I couldn't tamper with, even subconsciously.

I find myself going through the baby itch massively right now...every where I look, someone has a new baby. I am also so in love with him, that I just want to have a baby with him. It's just looking into his eyes, and smiling, it's something I really want to share with him, and same him for me. The reason we're on the fence is I take a step back and say "What are you INSANE?" We have 4 kids, two exes and a partridge in a pear tree!! If we have a baby now, we'll be in our 50s when it is old enough to move out, and we can kiss every weekend alone goodbye. So obviously, with those thoughts, we're not ready...but I don't want to be not ready for much longer, because the clock is definitely ticking now.

Does anyone have any thoughts, experience or advice on this?


overworkedmom's picture

I always wanted another baby. It would make 4 total for us if I did. We decided against it and my head says it is the right choice... The heart is a different matter.

Calypso1977's picture

my partner is 45, im 36. he has a child (SD13) i dont have any children.

there are times i think i might like one, but honestly, i think it would not be wise at least for us. SD is a drain, very spoiled and jealous. i would worry about our child being around her, to be honest. but every family is different, every situation different.

if you can afford it and you think your family dynamic can handle it, then go for it.

derb84123's picture

My stepkids are 8 and 11 and we are just now having a baby. Its a big gap, but I wanted to have a child with DH, and I'm pushing 30 (I know its young, but based on my career I wanted to have a child before then). Anyway. the gap stinks, but I think its ok

QueenBeau's picture

DH & I are having a baby one of these days. We are both young (he's 27 I'm 23) & SD is 6, be 7 in February. There will be a big gap. But I believe the best gift a parent can give a child is waiting until they are as stable as possible and 'ready' for a baby. I wont' cheat my child out of that just because BM & DH cheated SD out of it.

PolyMom's picture

I think our kids would absolutely love a little brother or sister...well maybe not the 5 year old...he definitely has his baby of the family rank down... My skids mom had a baby recently, so I think that would definitely lessen the blow for them..they're used to it. My daughter would definitely LOVE a baby sister...but another brother might annoy her...but then again, she'll have two years to adore him as a baby, and then she might get over it. My 5 year old son, might be trickiest, but I don't see it as any different than a non-blended family, because he's known DH since he was just over a year old, and loves him like he's another dad.

Other than that...we have the religion obstacle. DH is atheist, and I am Catholic. I would want to raise the baby Catholic, and DH would take no part in it. Which, I am fully okay with...a baby would be ours, and should be exposed to both our positions, and I think it would be wonderful to raise a baby in an environment where we learn to love eachother even if we disagree on certain things. It's working really well with our kids currently (although, I'm sure my kids would rather stay at home with my SS's than go to church) but it's working out okay. My issue is getting the baby baptized. I think he's willing to let me baptize the baby, but he doesn't want to have a part in it. Which leaves me feeling like I'd go get the baby baptized, without his/her father present....I don't know. I don't like that. Maybe if I talked to my priest about doing something small, with just family, not in front of the whole church.

Sunflower1's picture

FDH and I plan on starting to try after our wedding in a couple of months. SD just turned 11, so there will be a good sized gap. I turn 32 soon though and my clock is ticking. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I already had a child, I think I would still want one with FDH but maybe not to the same degree, if that makes any sense. If you guys can do it, why not?

Rags's picture

My bride and I never spawned together. We met when SS21 was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo.

I love kids and so does my wife. We postponed having any children together until she finished her undergrad, grad school and her CPA and I finished grad school. We discussed having more kids periodically but never got around to it.

A few years ago (She was 35 and I was 47) she decided it was time. I asked for her ot meet with her OB/GYN to discuss the severe toximia she had when pregnanat with SS and problems with blood clots in her legs while in BC pills.

Her Doc told her in no uncertain terms that another pregnancy would likely kill my wife since the first one nearly did her in. I refuse to risk my wife's health and life for another child.

So, she got a hormone free IUD (I have offered repeatedly to get snipped but DW does not want me to have a surgery that is not critically necessary since I am a child onset T-1 diabetic) and we have moved on to enjoying empty nester status and spoiling our kid and our nieces and nephews. We have three on my side and 4 on her side of the family.

Kids are incredible but are not necessary to make a strong marriage.

Do what makes you and DH happy.

Have fun.

step off already's picture

Do as you please. It's your life and it sounds like your wishes are coming from a good place.

I came to my marriage with three children and an ex that I get along well with. Dh came with one child and a crazy ex who he has a RO against. We wanted a baby and now we have 5 kids. It's crazy but we are happy. the kids love the baby.

I was 40 and dh was 43 when our baby was born.

Calypso1977's picture

now that you bring up the religion subject, id be very, very careful. i am catholic and could personally never even marry an atheist, and there is no way i could have a child with one. what if somethign happens to you? it sounds like your DH would have zero plan or intention to continue bringing your child to church. that would be a huge problem for me. i would not want to die wondering whether or not my child would continue to be brought up in my faith. this divide may cause more fights/problems than you want to have. thigns work now because you deal with your kids and he deals with his. just my two cents.

PolyMom's picture

Yeah, I totally understand this. Just so you know, DH is NOT a huffy person, or adamantly against my religion. I've explained my philosophies and beliefs about it, and so has he to me. We had to do this to determine whether we could even make a marriage and life work with such a large disagreement in this area, and we are both at the point of clear understanding of where the other is coming from. It's more a discomfort of him participating in things he thinks is not real, like he's lying, and not being his true self, which I would never ask him to do. By standing up and participating in something he puts no stock in, is even in a way making a mockery of my beliefs and the institution of the church.

That being said, if something were to happen to me, and my children, and my parents offered to continue the baby's education and raising it with my faith, I know he wouldn't say no, because he understands it's part of who I am, and part of why he loves me. He just couldn't be the one left to educate the baby in my absence and still remain true to himself.

asnoraford's picture

Ha, we went through the same exact thinking as we are in the same age range as you! We also thought about how far removed we are from changing diapers and all that. In the end, nature took it's course and we will be welcoming our new addition in 2 1/2 months. The kids are both excited (although it's taken some time and work to get them both there), and the fears of middle-age parenthood are subsiding. In the end, go with your gut. We have found that the kids even love knowing that they will share something that has "blood ties" to them both...

PolyMom's picture

LOL...this is really comforting, except I cannot let nature run it's course...if I even think about getting pregnant without BC, I will get pregnant. I'm really leaning towards it. My mother is adamant that we NOT have a child together, because she and my dad had us at 20 and 23, and they've been empty nested for 12 years now. She raves about how wonderful it is, but when I look at them, and my aunt who is 50 who also had kids young, I wonder if they really are happier because they can enjoy their life now. (My aunt recently left my uncle of 27 years BTW). They vacation all the time, and are pretty heavy drinkers now...I can't help but wonder, are they really happy because they didn't have any more kids?

It's weird, but when I think about it, I think of the movie "The Family Stone" and how much I love the mother's relationship with her husband and each of her adult children independently. A little over-meddlesome, more than I would be....but I could see something special with each it was their own...and that's what I have with my family. And when I look at the relationship of the 5th child, the baby sister, I think "that could be my 5th"...I know sentimental and sappy, but it's how I am <3

PolyMom's picture

I'm sure if we choose not to have a baby together, we'll be telling the exact same story as you are now! Thanks for sharing your experience Smile See, all those things, DH and I have always WANTED to deal with...diapers, potty training, terrible 3s, going to school...we're in the middle of it, and even though it's stressful, we're happy. I just want to do it again now. I can't really explain why, other than it'd make me happy.

PolyMom's picture

There is no drama with my ex. There was drama with his ex, since she's had a baby, she's really mellowed. It's probably not permanent, because we think she suffers BPD, but there's really nothing we can do to upset her at this point. She's stopped alienating the boys; the boys are in the right school district and they're approaching the age of being able to decide whether they want to put up with her or not. Pretty much, we just stay away from her, and parallel parent all the way. It's been working really well. I want to give it a good year or two of mellow before we make any definite decisions, but the past 7 months have been super quiet in that regard. When all of that was going on, we left the position at "Let's agree not to even have this conversation until things are a little more stable." And things are more stable, so that's why we're starting to consider it. I think it may just boil down to a pros and cons list.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I have one bio and have never wanted another. Not even for a nanosecond. In fact, I have a hard time relating to anyone who wants babies. I love my son to death, but being pregnant and caring for babies was not my thing. I am very happy with where my life is at the moment. I have one child at home, and it is basically the 3 of us. It's fantastic.