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Boyfriend & ex wife

Tabi-b's picture

Hi there! I just joined this site looking for some advice.
I need to know if I'm just over reacting or if this would bother anyone else.
My boyfriend of 2 years makes decisions together with his ex wife (not divorced) regarding their kids and I'm informed of their decisions afterwards. Not always the next to find out but I'm usually on the list.
I've told him that because we have full custody of one, and 50/50 (possibly soon to be full) of the other, Id like to be included in the decision making. When I'm not, it makes me feel like an outsider. He says he understands but then continues to do it. His ex wants him back and has made that clear so I'm sure she's thrilled with how much they talk and work together in this way.
Anyone have any advice???
Thank u!!!

simifan's picture

Forgive my bluntness but ....

Honey you are a bed warmer. He still has a wife & obviously still committed to her or he would be with you & make decisions with you. He's having his cake and eating it too, lucky boy. You deserve better.

Tabi-b's picture

Thank u so much for all ur replies!!!!! You have no idea how much I appreciate all ur input! None of it was too harsh at all. I'll answer some of the questions. He says the divorce will cost too much money right now and is scared he's gonna get screwed over by her. As for the decisions, it's all decisions they make. She also still calls the shots. We live on opposite sides of the city but she still makes him drive all the time to get and drop off the kids. He does things to make life easier on her. With his kids sports schedules, I get them after she does or at the same time. And yet it's me and him that take the kids to all sports. She has very little to do with the kids. Never goes to sports. Feeds them shit food. Never spends time with them. And yet I'm the one doing everything she isn't. And yes, bf tells me he appreciates me but when I'm not incl in decision making when im the one stepping in as mom, it bothers me. He says they don't have much contact but I know that's not true. He says it's always about the kids but that's what his ex does. She uses the kids to stay in contact with him. And he can't see it. Part of me thinks he likes it. I have huge doubts and red flags because of all of this.

worst_stepmom_ever's picture

The "divorce is too expensive" excuse is just that... an excuse. My husband's divorce cost him around $100k and we are NOT wealthy by any means, but if someone really wants a divorce, they'll make it happen. From the sounds of your original post and the followup he hasn't even TRIED to get a divorce yet. Add that to him shouldering you with HIS kids and his lying about how much contact they have and run. RUN. Being with someone who is divorced/has kids is rough under the best of circumstances. From where you're at, I would only see this going downhill.

Mikhaila87's picture

He needs to get divorced. Its a mind thing. It doesn't matter how much it costs, he needs that divorce. If the kids are with you full time you need to be consulted. Maybe not at the same time as the BM...because after all she is the BM. But you should be told and consulted. She is his wife, I had to deal with that for 6 months to begin with then he decided to get a divorce. Luckily he didn't own a house with her. It took 11 months to get it done. We are getting married 7 months after the divorce came through. What if you 2 want to ever get married? Divorce takes for ever.

You need to sit down with him and discuss how this is making you feel.

Rags's picture

Excuses are useless. Were I you I would not tolerate a partner who did not have the self motivatio or courage to dedicate themselves to me and our relationship entirely.

Regardless of the presence of the spawn from a previous relationship if you and your SO are not completely dedicated equity life partners who both put your relationship/marriage as the single unchallenged priority then cut your losses and leave this guy to his XW and their spawn. The relationship must take precident even over children regardless of the kid biology involved. Kids are the top responsibility of the relationship but the relationship is the top priority.

Your partner does not value either you or the relationship enough to get a divorce. That should give you absolute clarity on where you stand and what your very next act should be.

Take care of yourself.

Sootica's picture

By allowing BM to call all the shots so he can appease her and have an easy life your BF is setting himself up for a fall long term because if he ever does try to put boundaries in place there will be hell to pay. It's like taking a spoilt child into a candy shop and saying "no" for the first time -you can bet tantrums will follow.

Yes they are the parents and they should be involved in the parenting decisions HOWEVER NOT when it impacts on what goes on in MY household. I had a major problem with this in the beginning where plans would get changed last minute to accommodate BM, I told DH in no uncertain terms that another woman will not have more say in my household than I do. Again part of your problem is because she is still his wife and you are just someone he is shagging you don't really have much voice in this situation.

Before anything else happens this man needs to get a divorce, I agree with the other posters you have GOT to put a deadline in place or else this set up will carry on as it is indefinitely. Divorce is expensive but what is he waiting for the Spring divorce sales????Prices go up with everything every year so when exactly does he think it will be financially viable for him to get a divorce?

Please don't waste your time, give him an ultimatum and if he won't budge at least you would have had a lucky escape.

misSTEP's picture

Divorces don't have to be that expensive if the two exes can agree on pretty much everything. They can hammer out a deal they think is fair to both and just negotiate/mediate whatever they don't agree on. The BM can't be that crazy if he has the skids so often. Either that or she is using them for her fishing bait.

Cocoa's picture

he has no incentive to divorce his wife, no incentive to include you in decision making. telling a man how you feel doesn't work. they listen to actions, not words. what are you going to DO?

Tabi-b's picture

Wow! You guys are like a breath of fresh air!! So glad I came on here and got my feelings validated. I've talked with him many times before, some things changed and others didn't. I didn't wanna come across as a tyrant or a bitch so I just kept being patient and understanding. I guess that only goes so far, eh. Lol Well, in my head I've given the relationship 3 years. That's when my son turns 18. If things aren't where I deserve them to be (or if things get worse between now and then) I'll be moving on for sure. I do feel like a bed warmer sometimes. I've even asked him questions like, why do u want me?! Where is this going?! What do want from 'us'?! I rarely get an answer. See? Red flags.