Some of mine that are my "hills to die on":

1. BM does not come in my home. Ever. Not even if kids invite her in. Only I may invite her in.
2. No joint Bday or "lets play happy family" events. We will do joint graduations, weddings, funerals, or any major life event where there can only be one celebration.
3. No joint gift buying between DH and BM.
4. DH is not to do favors for BM- fix things, carry heavy things, help her move, etc.
5. Never put me on hold or end a call with me to answer BM.

DH has done all of these, and would continue to do so unless I put my foot down.

Keep "Us" issues out of the next circle of relationships...they are between DH and I (not the children)...identifying those subjects is important. That is where you define the exclusive nature of your relationship to the rest of the world.

I think the more important thought about having "boundaries" is, that you choose what is right for your family...you choose. Every family member is different,, Often times you have to have different boundaries for different people...depending on the specific issues that may have. I look at all of my relationships from an individual perspective, and each one is different...depending on the person. Some. I can trust in certain areas more than others...so I do not blanket the family in corporate boundaries as much as I apply them to the ones who have issues that haven't been dealt with yet.

For example...if a child has a problem with stealing..you will probably lock things up when they come to visit...verses a child who doesn't have that issue...you don't feel the need to lock things up because it is not a problem. The level of intimacy in a relationship depends on the trust level you have with each one...and some, I trust a lot more that others...so the relationship, including the boundaries in that relationship reflect that.

With that being said...there is still the corporate boundary protecting "us" as a couple that defines who we are, separate from our children (yes, there was a time in history when we didn't have children, and we were just our individual selves)...I think so many times we lose touch with our individual selves and forget that who we are includes more that the stepmom title....We are created with our own gifts and talents to bring to this world...and if we are not careful...this stepparent drama can suck the life out of our true identity until one day we look in the mirror and do not recognize the person looking back at us...because we allowed someone to come into our personal space and speak something into our identity "less than" who God says we are and who He created us to be...that is the most important boundary to have and protect...is that one that protects your true identity and the greatness you have inside of you waiting to bless this world with...

So many of us have allowed the toxicity of the step relationships to chip away from that beautiful truth...If that is the case...do whatever you have to do to get it back before it is gone forever....WE are worth it!!!

SD37 (who I have known her entire life) has mental health issues and I'm glad to know that she is working on those (bipolar, etc.).  However, now she seems to feel the need to preach on how DH is to blame for all her bad decisions. Recently she seems to have expanded HER list of boundaries...we can't talk to her about this or that...DH can only go to her house if invited and other "rules".  She and DH have been sparring for two and a half decades and I am over it.  Here are some boundaries with her in mind:

1.) Stop bashing DH to me to get me on your side. It's unfair and i'm done listening.

2.)  No more blaming-type stories dredged up from your childhood that have been proven to be untrue (some are made up about me and some about DH).

3.) When there's a problem with your psych meds, please get that adjusted without taking your mood swings out on us, your husband and the rest of the world.

4.) Stop psychoanalyzing DH and me. You're not the one.

Boundaries,  what it means to have boundaries, why it's healthy and how to establish and enforce them.  

I have tried to establish common sense boundaries with BM for my marriage,  but DH is struggling to understand the concept,  it seems and when I've said something was inappropriate (usually something said or done by BM) I've been told I'm too sensitive.  I am sensitive,  but I think most women (or men for that matter) would feel that a line was crossed if BM told DH that her boyfriend cheated on her so they broke up. TMI, lady. 

In having difficulty establishing boundaries in partnership with DH, I am now establishing boundaries of my own for myself.  I think mainly things that should be common sense,  but apparently sense isn't so common. 

or developed them as we progressed in our blended family adventure.

1. As equity life partners we are equity parents to any children in our marriage regardless of kid biology.  As it turned out, SS is an only child in our marriage.  We met when SS-30 was 15mos old. I am the only full time dad he has any memory of though he has always known the Spermidiot and the SpermClan. I was as much his parent as his mom, and far more a parent than the Spermidiot.

2. Our marriage and each other is our priority.  SS was not our top priority. He was absolutely our top marrital responsibility.

3. Though it evolved over time, raising SS to viable adulthood was a major goal and boundary.  Rather than protecting him from life, we focused on preparing him for life.

4. Standards of behavior and performance for SS.  He was raised with them. Consequences were applied if he failed to abide by them.

5. The SpermClan did what they were told, when they were told. We tolerated no bullshit from them.

Beyond these basics, we focused on our family. The family being DW, SS, and Me.  The SpermClan, never has been, is not, and never will be family.  Even for SS. They have not earned it. As sad as it is, SS has had to keep them in their place. As he was growing up, developing as a man of character, honor, and standing in his life and profession, they kept up their manipulative crap.  

They have no place in his life.

Y'all realize this thread hasn't been active since 2014, right?