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Boundaries Crossed ?!?

Disillusioned's picture

So this weekend not only did I get to put up with DH's eldest daughter, but BM as well.

BM and I don't have issues with each other, we've always gotten along, but still. Thanks to YSD phoning and asking BM and her SO to meet us at SGS's event to bring out packages to give to bring with us on our visit to see her, when we arrived there they were

Generally I haven't felt there have been any competition issues between BM and I (I get more than my share from her daughters not to mention DH's sister) but this time round I had to think twice where BM is concerned

First of all, we were going into a sports stadium. Everyone dressed sporty and oh so casually. BM has on white short shorts, tight dressy sweater and tons of make-up. Even had her hair highlighted blond (she's a brunette, I'm blond) totally all dolled up and I wondered was it for DH, to compete with me, or for both??

Maybe she just wanted to look nice and it had nothing to do with either, but the way she ran over to the car while DH was parking, he barely opened his door and she was all over him about the packages, etc... she did stop to say hello and we hugged which was nice, but she is right up there walking with DH (irritating as I put up with this from DH's family now BM too, GRRRRR!) As usual I shoved my way in and walked beside MY husband

Then she is all over SGS. DH's eldest daughter is pushing the kid and encouraging him strongly to go be with BM, little SGS didn't look like he wanted to at first but he did. BM clung to him so much every opportunity there was I felt even uncomfortable acknowledging the child...the little sweetheart did give me a gigantic long hug which melted my heart as always

DH's eldest was at her manipulative best, she loves to play parent off parent, parent off step-parent, and step-parent off step-parent. She was literally kissing my ass laughing and trying to participate in any conversations I was having. I think she was just trying to make BM's SO feel bad, and I also think DH's daughter was even trying to emphasize to BM how much I'm at SGS's events and aware of his progress, as BM doesn't normally attend any of them that I'm aware of

It ended up me chatting away with BM, DH chatting away with BM's SO, everyone having a nice time - with DH's daughter and SSIL just standing around and not really talking much at all at one point.

All in all it went fine, other than DH's daughter's manipulative tactics, the only one that crosses the line is BM. Not anything significant or enough to really annoy me, but she loves to highlight how SGS is her and DH's grandson "look our OUR grandson" "isn't our grandson wonderful" "SGS tell grandpa this, go show grandpa that" etc.. etc...

In the past she also loved to give DH big hugs that lasted just a second or two long enough to make it uncomfortable, but this time thank goodness she didn't!

rahrah2019's picture

Maybe this is why I can't fathom being friendly with BM. I don't need those lines blurred. My DH has suggested to me to basically "kill her with kindness," because he has witnessed me barely acknowledge her. I don't like her, I don't respect her; and I'm not going to pretend to do either. I speak to her when it's necessary, and that's it.

As these situations go, we have gone back and forth regarding acceptable amounts of contact with BM. I remember a time my DH and I must have sat around and sang Kumbaya or something and I was feeling all good about everything... told him I understood about getting along for the sake of SS (which I do), but it seemed like that suddenly meant he could be friendly toward her. To me, getting along and being friendly are two very different things. I don't see the need to kiss her ass to keep the peace. I frequently see the need to put her in her place, he doesn't really. This is something we have pulled like a tug-of-war, back and forth, and it has gotten better. Each pull both ways gets us closer to where we are both happy. My opinion is, if it makes you uncomfortable, then let him know it. There is no way in hell I'd stand there and watch BM hug my husband for even one-tenth of a second.

Disillusioned's picture

Good advice about letting DH know what makes me uncomfortable rahrah2019...he tends to be a bit more sensitive in these situations when I've communicated with these issues, but it never is perfect is it Sad

rahrah2019's picture

No, it isn't. But I've learned not to compromise my own happiness just to spare my DH's discomfort with the situation, even if it does cause a fight. I usually ask himself to put himself in my shoes, and he can usually see it my way.

TJH100911's picture

IMO you should never have to shove your way in to be next to your husband. He should be right there beside you. You should address that with him. You deserve more than to have to run up from behind him to prove a point. He should be proving it himself and stop allowing her to create situations where you feel you have to compete or show her. There is no competition. If he wants to walk beside her, he should have remained married to her