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BM's using kids as pawns. Anyone else just wanna scream???

2ndwifeblues's picture

Hi all, I'm new to the forum so thanks for letting me vent!!!
Why do women use their children as pawns? Make them feel stuck in the middle of a buncha crap? My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. We plan to marry. He met me immediately after his divorce but was separated prior to the divorce for a year.

  My bf married the bm becuz she got pregnant. They were never happy, he never loved her in the way a man should love a woman. They were not a team, he did everything. He worked full time and went to school earning two masters degrees. She stayed at home but did not take care of home. He still had to cook, clean, and take care of the kids. There was zero intimacy between them. She is very selfish and self cenetered.   After ten years he got tired of it,  cheated and left but went back becuz of the kids. He told her then as soon as the kids were out of the house marriage over and she completley agreed. She disliked him just as much as he did her. ( this is totally dysfunctional and stupid to me they should have gotten divorced then, hell they never shoulda wed to start but i digress) They have two children, an 18 yr old son and 20 yr old daughter. The daughter has two boys 2 years old and 6 months. While her husband is in Iraq the daughter is living with her mother who REFUSES to move on with her life. 

She cannot support herself because she's never had to. She's  never had a desire to work. She quit or got fired from every job and dropped out of school 3 times while they were married.  She took little interest in her kids activities or school and as I've said despite rarely working she did not take care of her home or family. 

Nothings changed since the divorce  She lives in a condo thats in my bf's name and she is supposed to pay a portion thru the divorce deal. She rarely does.  His support technically ends next week but she can't afford to pay for her condo. She wont keep a job and hasnt made any effort to save any money. He can't keep paying both his mortgage and hers (he's been doing it for almost 2 years) and he can't let his credit die by not paying.

She does a great job playing the victim and is quick to say "oh you would put your childrens mother on the street?" and that she never thought it would come to an end. She thought he would take care of her forever even tho they both said as soon as the kids were grown they would divorce. 

Now she is just constant drama. Always leaving him nasty voicemails and text messges, I had to block her from my facebook page because she was so outta control. She's spread so many lies about me and her and her sisters have called me every name in the book. But, my bf and I still try to be the "adults" in the situation, rise above the drama and be good role models for the kids.  

He and I were supposed to take my daughter (16) and his kids and grandkids for our first overnight outing yesterday. I got us a presidential suite at a waterpark and everything was set. Somehow she found out and acted a fool. She walked around the house inconsolable, laying in bed crying etc. She did everything she could to make her kids feel guilty about going with us. Of course they backed out. Who wants to hurt their mothers feelings and watch her continuously cry? 

Why must women manipulate their children this way?? It doesn't matter how pissed or hurt you are, using kids this way is dispicable.    It's very unfair to him. What he did, staying with her all those years for the kids, many men wouldn't. He didn't  leave her out to dry. He set her up with a nice place to live and he took custody of their son for his last few years of high school.  

My daughters father and I never married and thank GOD we are great friends and get along wonderfully. Why can't people live and let live?

My prayer is one day she will get a life, and spend more time trying to figure out how to get her shit together and less time worrying about what he and I are doing. I hope their kids will see the light and realize she is using them and playing on their sympathies because I am not going anywhere and neither is he. And even if one of us did, he isnt going back to her so she needs to move on and let her kids enjoy their life with their father and whoever he decides to love. 

dwbwjc's picture

OH GOD..I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH...even though your skids are growin up sd is 6..and its just started... BM has been out of the picture the entire 2 years ive been with shes back in the picture thanks to the wonderful courts we have... and its HE**.. SD comes back from her visits and its all about all the wonderful things "mommy" does for her..makes me sick to my stomach..or how about when she had my SD, she didnt let my BF see her for like 6 months or something like that, so recently BM thought it would be wonderful of her to tell SD that BM was the one that took care of her when she was a baby, and BF wasn't there to help at all... I HATE HER... or how about how she told SD that she cant call me mommy because that would hurt "mommys" feelings and make "mommy" cry.. i hate how she gets to come back and be "mommy" all of a sudden and iam nothing, even though she doesnt do ANYTHING.. I do it all, i do all the mommy stuff, but iam nothing..

livlaughlov's picture

It's called PAS - Parental Alienation Syndrome. It actually causes children alot of harm. You should google it and read up on it. If it seems like she is using PAS on the kids, you will have to deal with it before it severely affects the kids and their relationship with dad.

Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.

MarriedwithChild's picture

I completely understand what you are going through. Thank goodness the kids in your case are older though, maybe there is hope?

I'm dealing with a BM that uses ss5, like a pawn/ and weapon here...DH feels "guilty" because he LET her retain the home (BM is supposed to have it refinanced within 24 mths...never gonna happen.) She is always late paying mortgage (only 646.00 mth.?!) does not work...just defaulted on a car in DH's name...BM uses ss5 like a weapon. It's sick and tweisted. BM "sobs" around like a charity car/ toys/ small clothing for ss5...No telling what lies she tells everyone to get out of doing anything for herself.

I'm sorry you are going through this~~~~

2ndwifeblues's picture

Thanks for the responses everyone. I get so frustrated with the whole situation. The bm acts like she still has a right to my bf, it's insane. 

She spends what appears to be all of her free time obsessing about me and my life instead of focussing on how to take care of herself. 

She only had to pay 250 a month and barely did that. Since her first deadline came and went my bf now wants to give her another two years to get on her feet and buy the condo. Good luck with that. 

If I believed she would do it and be mature I wouldn't care. If she would grow the hell up I would be cool with that. But so far her track record has been zero and her history shows she's more interested in playing the victim, and trying to convince her kids that I am the devil and their father is the same for loving me. 

There are many days I wonder why anyone would want to be a second  wife. So much drama and heartache.         

MarriedwithChild's picture

2ndwifeblues~It takes a certain kind of woman to volunteer for any of these things. My theory is the most loving of us take on the responsibilties and with it, pure bs and drama. I never intended on becoming a "fill-in" myself. Now 38, pregnant after only having one child at 18, now one ss5 with a BM who I would never trust...I have given my life so far to be there for others.

2ndwifeblues's picture

Okay update. This bitch is really, really nut. Xmas eve rolls around, I'm at home wrapping gifts for bf while  talking to my daughter and her dad. My bf was having dinner with his kids/grandkids. After going back and forth, I sent small gifts for his kids cuz we felt it was the adult thing to do. He gave my daughter one as well. About a half hour later he calls me and says soon to be step daughter wants me to come over and see her newest baby. Now he knows I have been waiting to see that child, but I was hesitant so I said I'm still wrapping their stuff I'll let you know.

 Five minutes later his son calls my daughter's cell (they are one year apart and go to the same school so they are friends. She calls him her brother and he watches her and any boys looking at her  like a hawk at school lol) anyway soon to be step son asks my daughter to come over. 

So we all go over, me, my daughter and her dad. I don't have "baby daddy" issues. All my men know I expect them to behave and be adults. In my world we all get along cuz anything else is ridiculous when you have kids. 

We had a good time. My daughter and her dad left before I did cuz they had plans, but I was so happy to see my soon to be grandsons. The step daughter was mature and took a big step and me and her dad are so thrilled. I've interacted much more with SS than her so we are pleased.  

Fast forward a few hours. 11:30 at nite. Me and the bf are sitting on the couch chilling, we'd just exchanged gifts and someone calls his phone. Turns out it's the bm bitching, moaning and complaining on his voicemail that we were all together. But get this ish, this is the best part: SHE WAS OUT ON A DATE!  

Are you kidding me? Turns out, she's been creeping off with some dude but hiding it. His daughter tole it all. And now it makes sense cuz his daughter had her bags packed to go to the water park but changed her mind at the last minute to shut her brother and mother up. She's thinking what we're thinking. "you got a new man why the hell are you walking around crying about what dad is doing?"

How on earth can the bm have the audacity to be out with a man and call MY MAN complaining. Crying I took her husband( which I certainly didn't do)  and now I want her kids and grandkids.  (which is preposterous.)  she told him dont come to the house xmas morning to open gifts with the kids/grandkids. How childish.

On top of that HER KIDS requested my presence, my bf and I had no plans for me to be there. She grilled them to death trying to figure out if I was there, which she figured out.  She is effing crazy. GET A LIFE ALREADY. 

she called him the next day and left a message apologizing telling him come over to do the gift thing. I hope she gives this guy she's dating some soon. Please lord let this woman get laid. I hope he puts it on her sooo good she can't walk, talk, or think straight for a week!!!! I hope he keeps buying her coach purses then upgrades to jewelry and whatever else she wants. If nothing else it may keep her mind of me and what I'm doing for five dayum minutes ROTFLMAO          

2ndwifeblues's picture

And btw, thanks for all the supportive comments. I really love this website. Smile Happy Holidays!