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BM's response to DH enrolling girls in local sports

SMof2Girls's picture

As a background, DH's custody time of the skids is every Friday at 6pm through Sunday at 6pm. BM lives about an hour away (more in traffic) and enrolled the skids in a soccer league in her neighborhood. ALL games and practices occur on Saturday mornings starting at 8:30am, therefore falling solely on DH's custody time. DH never agreed to this. He didn't hear about it until BM sent the confirmation emails and receipts, requesting reimbursement of half the cost. DH decided to enroll them in more local leagues to us; it makes more sense and the game/practice times are more manageable for DH's work schedule. It also eliminates a 2 hour minimum round trip commute.

He sent the email with the details last night. We got BM's reply this morning:

"You do NOT have my permission or approval to enroll our children in any activities. In your county, city or any other one they do or do not live in.
Until we can reach a compromise and complete agreement in writing that you are legally bound to neither girl will be enrolled in anything. I was hoping that you would not put your own stubborness and urge to have your way ahead of our girls happiness. Maybe we can agree to doing soccer for fall in my town and something in the spring near your home. Like I stated above untill this can be placed in writing and approved by a court since your continue to go against any verbal agreements. Neither girl will be enrolled. Please disenroll them ASAP from your town or I can call and have to this done. I will be disenrolling them from my town since you now put me in this position. I also feel that since you made this verbal agreement and did not reply to my emails when I confirmed the regsitration along with a reciept of the cost. That you should at least reimburse me half and I will reimburse you half of your cost."

So her response is to disenroll them from all activities? And to reimburse half of each other's costs? I should also note that she cc'd her attorney on her reply.

I have to say .. this is pretty much exactly what I expected.

ej'scrazy's picture

So, because she signed them up on HIS time, and she doesn't like what he's choosing to do with the kids on HIS time, the kids have to miss out?

I don't think it matters if she agrees/wants/is not in agreement with what he's doing. It's HIS time and it does not affect her in any form. She can copy her attorney, but what judge is going to tell her that she has control of HIS time?

Also, as far as the cost, she made a decision for HIS time with the kids without consulting HIM, therefore, it's HER loss. No need to have money trade hands. This is what happens when you are not proactive in communication and making sure both decision making adults are on the same page BEFORE money is spent.

So the question is now, what does DH do?

SMof2Girls's picture

DH forwarded her email to his attorney, just so she's in the loop. Otherwise, he's ignoring for now. He's certainly not changing his plans and making his kids miss out on the activities.

He's going to call the coach on Monday morning to give her a head's up that she may be getting a call from BM. The registration fees are non-refundable, so I'm not sure why she thinks she can just call and "disenroll" them.

We're heading out this afternoon to go pick out their equipment .. the girls are extremely excited! Biggrin

ej'scrazy's picture

I'm glad that he's putting her on ignore. She can't dictate his time with kids that are just as much his as they are hers (I know they are not possessions, but it almost seems like that's how she treats them).

Good to be proactive with the coach. . .then the coach will know to ignore, and not be involved the middle of crazy. I'm glad the girls are excited. This will be an opportunity for social interaction, memories with Dad, and time to learn something new1

IslandGal's picture

Kudos to your DH for standing up to her manipulation - and that is exactly what it is - manipulation. I think some of these women need to read up on Divorce and understand it's true meaning. Once divorced - you no longer have the right to dictate what the other does during their time with the kids. Full stop.

BM is doing exactly the same thing in our case. Booking skids into activities that are on DH's time - and he's also putting his foot down and telling her no.

She will NOT dictate what we do with the kids when we have them. When we DO have the kids, we're all very active. We go bike riding, fishing, picnics, swimming, etc etc.. we don't need BM trying to tell us what to do.

Bitch ain't listening becaue she's a control freak, so we're heading into court.

ej'scrazy's picture

Mom is military relocating back to where they were before...only moved an hour away from where DH was.

ej'scrazy's picture

If that were the only mitigating factor, then I'd agree with you. However, DH has done everything he can to have a relationship with his kids, despite BM keeping them away from him as much as possible (I know there's not a blog, but I've kept up with the situation, as we deal with a situation very similar to SMof2girls).

I don't see the difficulty. There's not been a change to the CO, due to BM's delays, not willing to consider anything but what she wants. Therefore, DH signing the kids up for something that only occurs on his time shouldn't be an issue. BM signing them up for something that only happens on DH's time does create an issue. It's pretty cut and dry.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I don't understand the correlation regarding "the ease of military moves" and playing soccer on Dad's time?

SMof2Girls's picture

Agreed. I don't think DH should consider her location when scheduling activities that occur completely on his own time. I mean, we don't pay for museum memberships and season passes based on where she lives either ..

SMof2Girls's picture

I understand your point, but she's lived here before. She chose to live where she does .. which is the furthest possible option from DH without effecting her work commute. She's working at the same place she did before she moved away for 8 months.

Regardless, I don't really see how her address should effect what DH does with the skids on his own time.

SMof2Girls's picture

Custody agreement says DH has Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. It's silent on cost and scheduling of extracurriculars and sports. BM is trying to have it added to a change order that the skids be enrolled in one sport in the fall, but it's not location-specific.

SMof2Girls's picture

This is EXACTLY what DH predicted would happen. Not to mention, his work schedule doesn't get him home until 4am sometimes. Getting skids up at 6:30am, fed breakfast, and ready to leave by 7:30am to make a practice that starts at 8:30am an hour away .. just doesn't make any sense for us.

momof3vt's picture

Wow! She sounds just like my DH's ex! I agree that your DH should just ignore. It's not like he's preventing the kids to do what they want, he is just choosing to have them do it in a more convenient location. Since the activity always falls on HIS time, then only HE can decide what is best. It sounds like the girls are excited so does the BM really want to ruin that?

SMof2Girls's picture

She just sent another email saying that since the girls have asthma, he is required to get her permission to enroll them in any sport. Her reasoning is that the asthma/sports combination is a threat to their health and welfare and she needs to sign off on any activities because of it.

Soooo .. SHE's allowed to sign them up for the SAME sports that could be detrimental to their health and welfare without telling him ahead of time .. but he's not? :?

ej'scrazy's picture

I honestly think these emails are her freaking out over not having control. Especially because your DH waited until the kids were with him. I'd ignore, and enjoy the time with the girls. She will continue to freak out.

Then, Sunday night, when they go back, respond back with a simple email stating that she cannot dictate the way he spends his time with the kids, point out the hypocrisy, and then ignore again. Then, the issue has been addressed and documented, and an objective person(the judge) can ultimately make the decision of how to handle it. . .if and when you finally get to court!

lil_lady's picture

I woukd have just not taken them personally. My understanding is that BM has to consult DH before registration and he has to agree before he has to pay. In canada that is what cs is for unless otherwise stated section 7 expenses only covers one sport. Thats where I am in canada.

Register them in a sport during his time no need to send reciepts and be done with it let bm know you wont be paying unless DH is advised to by his attorney. Why have the unnecessary contact? Just causes more undue drama!

IslandGal's picture

Same here! She's setting DH up to fail. It's a common alientation thing parents do when they don't get their way (particularly BM's). That way, when DH says "no", he can look like the bad guy.

Best advice I can give - get the Court Order amended/updated so that no parent can dictate what the other does on their time.

jumanji's picture

My point exactly, in a different thread. Both parents are using their kids to wage war.

SMof2Girls's picture

Let me clarify one point .. there was no mutual agreement that the skids would be enrolled in sports. BM proposed it as part of the change order. DH did not agree. The change order has not been finalized (not even close).

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

So the kids should miss out on fall sports then?

If the sports are played on the weekend, and dad has 75-80% of weekend time, then the kids play where dad is. The kids don't drive 1.5 hours back to Mommy's house and spend an entire day of Dad's time with Mom. Doesn't work that way. There is no reciprocation here, if anything bad timing. Dad shouldn't have waited til Mom signed up the kids in her area to become actively looking for a program in his area. Dad signed the kids up for sports (which Mom wanted to do also)on his time, I don't see how that is "passive aggressive". That is common sense.

lil_lady's picture

I think the only thing is that he sent her reciepts that is tit for tat just do your own thing! If you cant afford three then dont do all 3. I think DH did the right thing he just didnt really have to stick it to her ;).

lil_lady's picture

Unless ur co says otherwise dont say anything! His time, his kids, his activities. Also his bank account unfortunately... but would u rather deal with BMs drama?

She sounds like a real treat and def PAS behavior. My SO asked BM to take a look at what PAS was his last email for trade day. He was proffesional and asked hwr to look into it for the kids sake. LOL something I never though he would do and he was amazingly tactful. Just said he had concerns with her idea of communicating with the kids. She has yet to reply ;).

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well instead of just showing her and enrolling them in sports near you guys. He should have emailed her and said, this is my time with skids. Having them in activities an hour away during my time doesn't suit. If the skids want to do sports I will find something more convenient. End of story. But you guys decided just to,stick it up her, and knowing they were enrolled somewhere else, just went ahead and enrolled them near you,

Both of you did this knowing it would show her, tick her off, and it did. Who paid the price, the kids.

Dh is right, BM cannot just enrol them in sports on his time. It was wrong of her to pull a stunt like that. But the way you both handled it was wrong. Now the kids are paying the price because all the adults in their life were trying to show each other who calls the shots. It really is that simple.

SMof2Girls's picture

What price are the kids paying? Kids haven't been involved, other than being told they're playing soccer/dance. BM registered skids and told them they were playing soccer. SD7 didn't want to play and has been complaining about it for weeks.

DH signed them up in a different program; SD5 still gets to play soccer (she's stoked!) and SD7 gets to do dance. They're happy as clams about the whole thing.

I get that DH probably didn't NEED to email her the receipt, but the receipt/registration/schedule were all in one email from the county league. That's what he forwarded along to her. He would've sent it no matter what because, despite all her drama control freakness, he thinks it's BETTER for the skids to have BOTH parents there supporting them.

SMof2Girls's picture

Her third email came about an hour after the second:

"You do not have my permission to enroll OUR children in any activity. As their mother my permission is required since it involving their welfare. Wether this is done on "your time" or any other time as their mother I DO have a say so no matter when it occurs. Until we can reach an agreement we both can agree to my permission is not granted. They will be dis enrolleed "

Her fourth, and last email on the subject came about 4 hours after that one:

"Fine okay what ever"

SMof2Girls's picture

Considering the length of time that passed, I'm guessing she either heard back from her attorney who told her she didn't have a leg to stand on .. or someone she knows talked the reality of the situation into her.

emotionaly beat up's picture

The price the kids are paying, you said it yourself. She disenrolled them. says they cant play on dads time without her permission, is throwing medical issues into the mix and is going to make it difficult. The kids will be caught up in that. Then there is the fact that all the adults they love, hate each other. If you know what she's like, you go about your business without antagonising her. She didn't need the ins and outs including the receipt. All she needed to know was that dh did not agree to sport activities taking place on his time an hour away. If the girls wanted to play on his weekend fine. He could organise it. If the girls wanted her there they would ask her. I read your first blog on this. You guys were teaching her a lesson, you only enrolled the girls in activities after she did it in her town an hour away on dhs time. You should have just said no, that's not happening. It's the fact you enrolled them, and stuck it up her that caused this trouble in which the kids are caught up. I'm sure you get that. A simple no from dh to her would have been enough.

SMof2Girls's picture

Sure, he could have told her nothing. He could've kept her away and not allowed her any information so she could attend. I guess skids suffer less in that scenario? Because BM certainly wouldn't PAS the ever-loving-crap out of the kids when she KNOWS she's being willfully excluded from their sporting events?

The skids are 5 and 7 .. if they ask BM to come, he's still going to have to provide the info. Besides, I don't think it's fair or healthy to force the kids into a situation where they have to ask dad if mom is allowed to attend their events.

I'm just not sure how this is better. Maybe I'm just missing it.

You read my first blog, which included all the frustration/venting associated with dealing with crap like this from BM (again). None of that is communicated to BM. She gets the bare bones info and that's it. No lectures or rambles on why she was wrong, etc. DH sent her email saying the league she selected wouldn't work on his time, and he forwarded the info for the new one. He didn't reply to her raving replies, and ultimately, she accepted his decision.

jumanji's picture

If they don't BOTH agree and that is what is required? Then the ids don't do - no matter whose time it is. Period. End. Stop.

The adults need (both) need to start acting like... adults.

ej'scrazy's picture

I've never heard it said that "both have to agree". I'm telling you right now, there's no way HE should have to do what SHE dictates...hence the DIVORCE. He is free to make his own decisions for the kids. She's throwing the other stuff in there to make it be on her terms. It's not in their CO that way.

SMof2Girls's picture

Right. It's not in the CO at all. When they agreed they wanted the skids to play sports, DH assumed there would be an equitable or at least reasonable time commitment from both parents. That's his fault, and also his fault he wasn't more proactive on it. But I guess some lessons take longer to learn than others.

At the end of the day, I think the skids got what's best for them in the situation, and I suppose that's all that really matters.

SMof2Girls's picture

They don't HAVE to agree. They DID agree that they think the skids should be enrolled in a sport/activity. BM took the initiative to enroll in her area, on DH's time, without DH's input/consent.

He enrolled at a midpoint, on his time, without BM's input/consent, because it would've been pointless to ask for it anyway. ANY disagreement with her is a fight. Doesn't matter if she's right or wrong. DH shared the info with her and told her the league she chose wouldn't work on his time. All the additional commentary I add on the situation here doesn't get communicated to her .. that's just me venting/explaining our frustrations and thought process.