I will never understand why husbands cater to ex-wives. MY ex-husband certainly did not. (dammit!) But, then again, I was independent and never asked him for anything.
It's a good thing your income isn't combined, because I would have left over that one instance right there.
Ask your husband WHY does he think he needs to keep ex-wife happy?
I actually accused my FH of still being in love with BM because nothing else made sense to me in regards to him being so weak when it came to her. I was pretty much walking out the door when I said this to him. Although, deep inside, I know he doesn't love her any longer, I just had to throw that at him, because that was the only logical explanation I could come up with. After that confrontation that day, things changed. He no longer caters to her every whim, but that's also the day I disengaged and quit putting my two cents in. Now, when she calls and pisses my FH off and he wants to tell me all about it - I just act like I don't care. I mean come on, get real, if she says something you don't like - HANG UP!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I have no great advice for what works. The dynamics of blended families can be so vastly different. I'm pretty sure you won't find two exactly alike.
Too damn many skids and BMs to contend with.

I am not much help today, I know. BM issues over here almost daily. Although, I have disengaged, it doesn't mean that I am completely oblivious to what's going on.
Good luck to you and yours.

******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******

what the hell?!?!!? She spent $400 and asked for half and got $300??? WOW!! Can your hubby send me a check for some money hahaha

I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of crap but like you said, at least your money is separate!!

I would be livid. Why did bf pay her $300.00 if the total bill was $400.00 and why does bf think it's ok that bm spend that much money on clothes for a child?? My daughter goes to a private school and I paid $53.00 on her uniforms... Got enough to mix and match and extra to grow into! However I must say I am a pro bargain shopper..... $400.00? I cannot fathom how bm spent that much and I bet bf didn't get a receipt huh?? I would be grilling him hardcore about this.... Totally unacceptable!

I can't believe this! I am wondering how long you guys have been married because I think most H's do this kind of stuff in the beginning. I also was incredibly frustrated, especially because my H is super fair and always wants to do everything in the most compassionate, fair way. This is great if you're Gandhi. Not if you're my husband and we're trying to deal with a psychotic and greedy BM. When my H and Psycho were together, she was incredibly irresponsible with money and bills and H always bailed them out and took care of things. It was really bad and I could go on and on. Basically, she wasted large amounts of money meant for bills/food/rent and also lied constantly and took out debt in my H's name without him knowing and things like that. He usually only found out about these things when collection agents called or their electricity was shut off. So anyway, she was used to him dealing with all of this (and I have no idea why he was so spineless about letting her get away with this stuff repeatedly!) and when he left her, for some insane reason, she thought that he would continue to bail her out! We already pay her a lot of CS and half of the skids expenses, but when she messes up she completely expects MY H to bail her out and initially I found it infuriating.

For example, when she moved out of the apartment they had lived in together (which he had continued to pay 1/2 the rent on for almost a year out of compassion for her) and left it completely trashed, she expected us to pay for the damage and cleaning fees! We had discussed it with her almost a month before her move out date and had come in and painted and fixed things (we divided up the work into us fixing stuff and her cleaning and she even signed the agreement). She didn't pack until the last minute and since she has no friends, she had to ask someone from her work to help her move and didn't get out until two days after she was supposed to be out. Apparently, she didn't clean at all and just left the place trashed. Soon after that, the landlords contacted us because they hadn't gotten any rent for two months and needed money to get the place cleaned. Needless to say, the deposit was not refunded. Since she had signed the form saying she was responsible for cleaning and had failed to do so, she ended up having to pay the cleaning charge, plus late rent fees (total of 450.00!!!!). She totally expected us to pay it!! H initially just accepted it and when he got the phone message, just shrugged his shoulders and looked sad, and I was like, "like hell!" and talked him out of bailing her out. We talked to the landlord and she said she understood the situation and had gotten the 1/2 rent checks on time from H and knew he wasn't the problem. She did want Psycho's new address because she had left and tried to get away with not leaving a forwarding address because she knew she owed money and wanted to skip out on it. After that, she tried to get us to buy her a new computer (because the one H had generously given her, for the skids use, she had broken, as in smashed somehow). Her crappy car broke down and she expected us to give her rides! and run errands for her! She used to tell the skids everyday about how selfish H was because he wouldn't do stuff for her and my eldest skid was in tears pretty much every day over it. We explained to him that his mom needed to fix her own finances and car troubles and explained that we pay money to her for him and his brother and that we only care about them and are obligated to them alone. It definitely sank in...until Psycho repeated her whiny rendition of "we've been abandoned." My skids told me probably fifty times that "Dad is selfish and abandoned us." I would always ask them where they were. They would act confused and say "at dads house" or "with you stepmadre" and I would use that to explain that, no, they had not been abandoned. I would point out the nice clothes they were wearing (from dad and stepmadre) and the wii they were playing on (from dad and stepmadre) and the brand new bunk beds, laptop and desktop computers in their room (from dad and stepmadre). They would totally get it, but it was like Psycho had a mind erasure and they would come back spouting off the same old crap about dad being selfish and mean.

H wouldn't stand up to Psycho for the longest time and I wanted to rip out my hair in frustration. H totally avoided dealing with this and I felt like an annoying little rat dog that was constantly yipping to him to deal with it. FINALLY, he told Psycho that it wasn't his responsibility to fix her problems or bail her out. He set a boundary and clarified that he had never abandoned his kids, but that yes, he had abandoned her. He pointed out that the custody papers clarify not badmouthing the other parent and that she could be held in contempt (like they'd do anything). At the same time, I told her what I thought because skids informed me that Psycho had said that dad wouldn't give them a ride home from school because he was driving me around because he loved me more and that I had replaced them. SS11 was in tears over this, which infuriated me. I comforted him and tried to straighten out his mind and help him see what was really happening. I then called her and reamed her out for upsetting her kids so much. She was totally pissed, but freaked out and it all stopped right after that.

She did continue to try to get my H to do things for her and bail her out, mostly stupid stuff where she asks him for a minor favor (we have a no favor policy with her, unless the skids need our emergency help) and then acts like he's an a-hole when he refuses. She has continued to play pathetic little games, including giving H presents in some twisted effort to win him back over or something. Whenever she did something totally heinous and psycho, her tactic was (actually is) to pretend like she hadn't done it and to try to help H or give him something. It's really creepy and weird.

Anyway, back to my main point, with my situation I was getting increasingly upset because it seemed like H would rather deal with me crying and being upset than dealing with Psycho. It really upset me because it seemed so wrong that he would cater to the woman who he hates in order to avoid unpleasantness and deeply upset the woman that he loves and is married to. Psycho is so unpredictable and unstable that you never know how she is going to react and of course, dealing with me is way easier for H, partially because I am not legally insane and not a total B*&^%. I finally told him exactly how I felt and that it really hurt me that he went to great lengths not to upset Psycho, but didn't seem to care that I was the emotional casualty. It really got through to him and although it's been a kind of slow process, he is really good now.

Because of my efforts we now have a few ground rules to make me comfortable. The basics are: No exchanging of gifts/items unrelated to the skids (she kept trying to give him beer and homemade cookies etc...). No touching or hugging (he would never, but she tries if i'm not there). No BM in my house-she must stay outside on porch. No money other than pre-arranged amount of CS given to BM without my consent. No Skid toys, games, books, etc from our house allowed at BMs (especially not items belonging to me). No meeting with BM without my knowledge and consent. And so on...

This seems harsh, but has made life so much more peaceful for me. Much less stress worrying about what BM will try next or how I can stop H from helping her out or doing something stupid that might set up a bad pattern for the future. I just think it's really important to have some ground rules about dealing with the BM, especially concerning money. If you are married, 1/2 of both of your assets belong to each other and besides in a marriage, people should talk about big money decisions (and to me, 300 for clothes for a kids is A LOT). You are the wife, not the daughter and you should be a part of money decisions like that.

You answered your own question in a later post when you said that his ex will take him to court and clean him out.

Considering what's happening I think a good investment on your part will to revisit his attorney. Explain what is happening and ask that he explain exactly what his obligations are under the current court order. Then if any of those obligations should be changed he can start the process.

Look at it as an investment. Once your spouse understands his obligations and its explained why she can't "clean him out" he should be more willing to control this. Of course maybe she can "clean..." in which case you'll have to live with it. But at least you'll know what the score is.

Non-custodial parents, usually the father, can live in constant fear of their ex's turning their children against them. Often done by custodial mothers its usually very successful as the mother usually has the children 12 out of every 14 days. The father lives in constant fear that he will hear a kid say "I don't want to visit you anymore". As a result some fathers will go as far as they think is necessary to placate the ex. Although the courts recognize the "Aleniated Child Syndrome" and will order against it it's difficult but not impossible to prove in court. You're understanding and open communication on the subject with your partner can go a long way towards helping him cope

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Since no one else will thank you for what you've done I will do so now. Thank you for being important in a kids life. Fifty years from now its the only thing that will matter about your existance.