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BM wants to have a meeting for SD with only FH..

lil_lady's picture

When FH asked BM what this was regarding she originally said she is worried that SD feels the baby is replacing her because she always calls it "lil_lady's baby" and SD has never come out and said it. BM "feels" like SD just wants us to have our baby and leave her alone because we have replaced her again SD has never actually said that. BM is worried and wants to sit down and have a feelings talk with FH. When FH brought up the fact that if this was all about the baby then I should be there because we are the parents she changed her tune. Now all the sudden there is no issue she wants to address she just wants SD to know she still has two loving parents. That said I don't find this request appropriate at all... SD has shown us nothing of the emotional problems BM is saying are there. BM can not seem to vocalize what it is she feels needs to be addressed either. So I feel along with FH that it is not needed. If BM had some valid clear cut concerns I would get it! Not to mention this started with her saying that SD has been feeling she will be replaced by the baby now all the sudden she just wants to have a feelings talk... My question is do you think this is a valid request I feel that these kids deserve to start experiencing the emotional separation they would with a separation not a fairy tale land FH feels the same way. BM has consistently gotten worse for trying to be involved with our lives and this baby...

I guess I don't want to stand between SD's need to feel love from her parents... so I am not sure if maybe I am being stubborn because I don't want FH to go and have a meeting with BM he is MY partner. So not sure if I am being selfish or right by saying I don't think this meeting should happen. Maybe my selfish wants are clouding my vision at this point. But I honestly feel like part of having divorced is the kids having to understand fact that their parents wont always be in the same room to discuss feelings! BM has gotten worse and worse since I got pregnant SD is even asking if her mom can come see the baby when it comes in the hospital. I have a hard time believing that was SD's idea but it might be.

BM has pushed this meeting for the last month which makes me wonder if we are having the right attitude with it. Then again BM has been pushing a lot of things since my pregnancy. She is also all of the sudden being nice and wanting to sit down and discuss moving with FH and what would be easiest. She also suggested mediation to come to a parenting agreement. The moving btw was her idea and FH has never agreed with it but said if she must he will follow her so he can see his kids. I don't care either way I can get a job after mat leave wherever I am. It is frustrating for the time being when I am trying to work up till my delivery and have no idea where we will end up. Something just seems out of place! Any opinions on what she is up to? Or if we are being unreasonable with the whole "feelings talk"?

lil_lady's picture

I forgot to mention at the last exchange she also offered to give him baby stuff from their kids... However, she has made it very clear to FH that she does not like me at all wants me a mile away from any decisions they make as parents for their kids.

lil_lady's picture

His exact words were lil_lady is a parent in my home. The things that happen here are non of your business... he also had some more choice words for her which I don't remember.

lil_lady's picture

He is pretty amazing that and we have had a lot of work and communication to get to where we are at! Almost a year of fighting that and bounderies where laid out right from the get go... I have always tried to be brutally honest with him and find myself saying a lot I might not be right about this but... lol. End of the day he got sick and tired of BM mouthing me off and snapped. It was quite lovely, I am very lucky to have such an amazing partner I will def say that. I am blown away with some of the things I hear on here. Also sometimes catch myself confused with the whole disengaging stuff but I guess if he and I weren't on the same page I would have to do that!

lil_lady's picture

That is correct I feel the same way just wasn't sure if my vision was clouded with everything else that she has done.

lil_lady's picture

It is very sad I am pregnant and don't trust my own feelings to the degree that I am questioning them... We both sat down and wrote an email in which we explained that her children are my concern because I am with him. Our son is not her concern because our son is not going to be in her home because we are together. The only thing that is her concern is if it is affecting her kids. In which case she needs to tell us so we can handle it... he of course wrote the bulk of it but let me add what I wanted to it.

QueenBeau's picture

I read this title & my immediate response is

NO.

After reading, I have to tell you - selfish or not - I told DH that if I am to agree to have his child under no circumstances will you ever have a "what to do about this new baby" talk with SD6's BM. He is not to talk to her about my (oh, I mean our... lol!) child. If SD6 tells her about it, fine, but she is not to call & take time from ME while I am nesting (which I will be doing for like 2 years lmao) to talk to DH about some bullshit. He agreed. No phone calls because her voice irritates me & I don't want to see, hear, or hear ABOUT her the whole time I am pregnant.
She's not the only one - ANY person who annoys me. It'll be all about me, baby, & DH. Nobody else. Idc how selfish it sounds. It's only 9 months. People can get over it.

BM also pulled the "do you guys have any plans to move closer to SD" move. NO. You have no career, why would we, who financially support SD, uproot to be closer to you? goodbye.

lil_lady's picture

That is both of our reaction BM has had plenty of opportunity to be a normal human being and she hasn't she goes on these streaks of wanting to be nice and sit down a "talk about the situation" last was a couple months ago. FH told me one day she lost that when we broke it off she does not need to know how I feel about something. I love him so much when he says things like that ;). Of course this is the first time she has been so set on me not being anywhere in the picture for these talks.... my guess is she is loosing control and knows it.

AlreadyGone's picture

The whole 'feelings' talk should actually be between you, your FH, and SD. BM has nothing to do with it at all. She is using a tactic that many disordered BM's use, trying to stay relevent in a world that SHE simply doesn't belong in anymore.... your FH's world in case that isn't clear, lol. Wink

No meeting is necessary except in the BM's mind. End of story. Nothing wrong with your vision. Clear as a bell. Smile

lil_lady's picture

Thank you! It is hard to tell right now I will admit I have definitely experienced some heightened anger and emotion :P. Trying not to let it get in the way of clear decisions... sometimes I need to get a second opinion though!

misSTEP's picture

Our BM would try to push for face-to-face meetings with my DH and NOT me there. Various reasons. This was AFTER the No Contact order was written in.

Never worked. Good thing for my DH or he'd be my EX-DH.

misSTEP's picture

1. SD isn't telling you guys this stuff. It is BM.
2. If things are really that bad, a therapist would help WAY more than two divorced people meeting alone.
3. Maybe your FDH needs to sit down with SD (and you) and have a talk about the way the family has changed and what SD feels about it. No need for BM to be there. Maybe do the candle thing (This is a daddy candle. The flame is all the love I have. This is a SD candle. This is a lil-lady candle. This is a baby candle. See how I can pass on the love I have to ALL of you without running out of love?)

lil_lady's picture

I don't FH does the correspondence and lets me add what I like to it then he looks it over and sends it. Thank god I don't speak with BM any longer! It is nice however to be able to discuss it with FH figure out a action plan then agree to something. He carries it all out though.... better for our son aswell Wink I have a short temper to begin with my fuze has been shortened with this pregnancy lol.

lil_lady's picture

What was more addressed (by FH) was that our baby was not her business but if she did honestly feel there was a problem that I would be in attendance. But for the time being we would address any issues in our home. He does not feel that she should be addressing most of these issues but more feels that she should let him know and we should address them in our home. But again it was all FH I don't communicate with BM anymore.

lil_lady's picture

Thank you ladies!! I really needed confirmation that we are on the right track! We have had lots of talks with SD and will continue to do so. I LOVE the candle idea... that is a great thought. For some reason BM has pushed this picture of how her and FH need to be on the same page and parent together which includes being physically together to do so having talks together so on and so forth. It seems to me that this has just given her a route of denial as it has her kids... It has most definitely gotten worse since our pregnancy which I honestly expected her to do something. She went as far in her last email to tell FH that FH is a parent in her home and I am not, it is not FH and his gf it is just him. She also said that she expects to be a parent in his home as well. I think she was just getting at making decisions for their kids... but wow!

What I am surprised with is the overwhelming opinion that she should not even be discussing our son with SD. Don't get me wrong I like the idea I feel this is our business to address not hers. We obviously cannot control what she says to SD but do you think FH should even encourage BM to address questions SD has about this new family dynamic or ask BM to refer SD to us when they come up?

AlreadyGone's picture

"What I am surprised with is the overwhelming opinion that she should not even be discussing our son with SD. Don't get me wrong I like the idea I feel this is our business to address not hers. We obviously cannot control what she says to SD but do you think FH should even encourage BM to address questions SD has about this new family dynamic or ask BM to refer SD to us when they come up?"

I'm not sure if the overwhelming opinion is actually that BM shouldn't ever be discussing your baby with the SD. I think it's more that whatever issues BM claims that SD has about your baby.... needs to be addressed by you, your FH, and SD. NOT between FH and BM. These types of BM's will create chaos where none need exist. That seems to be the motivating factor behind their actions. It goes w/o saying that you will never stop the BM from sludging up the SD's head with her own agenda. That's a given, usually. However, your FH doesn't need to meet 'alone' with BM, to discuss the dynamics of YOUR family life. That again, should be between you, FH, and SD. Moving forward, FH should simply say, 'thank you for bringing this to OUR attention, we will be talking with SD as soon as possible to alleviate any fears/concerns SHE may have.' End of story. Truth is, there is no issue with SD, it is a BM issue and should be treated as such. Meaning.... state plainly your boundaries and stand behind them. Even if you have to do it 100x.

lil_lady's picture

I have been thinking about tracking this book down I am supposed to be studying for a registration exam I have for my practioner licence this week... Almost over then I can put more time into this stuff! There has been Passing lol not a surprise with this woman. We are not married yet we are both in agreeance this will happen but want to wait until we can afford the wedding and rings we want. For now FH ;)... should get back to the books but I look forward to checking in and seeing what the rest of steptalk world has to say!

Anon2009's picture

If she's insistent that this pow wow take place, be sure to go. This impacts you and your child. Check your state's laws first but you might be able to record her. Bring your cell phone and record her (or have fdh do so). Then, if she acts out, her antics will be able to be heard by a judge.

lil_lady's picture

This is something I will be doing from now on BM has been resistant to email communication because she knows she flies of the handle. We wont be having one... I just second guessing our opinions I guess. I find I have been doing a lot of that with this pregnancy since my emotions are difinately in full swing!

lil_lady's picture

BM was caught cheating on her new bf whom recently has brought out the L word in front of skids. This BF has been around for 5 months ish now... spends the night whenever he is on days off. BM never gave this bf any break in time just introduced him then had him pretty much living there. Almost every time FH has dropped off/ picked up the skids he is there. Anyways I am so confused with her obsession with my life if she has this new bf! SD came to our house saying she did not want to one time about a month ago because FH doesn't love her mom but this new bf does so maybe he should be her dad! Now last weekend one of my close friends saw her making out with a friend of BIL, dancing with him spending the whole night with him wtvr. I don't really care I mean I feel bad for the skids knowing this happened. I don't think BM will tell anyone or break it off... I don't know who cares... But I guess I really don't understand why the obsession with FH and I's family if she clearly has her own problems right now? Could it be she knows her relationship is now set up to fail?

IslandGal's picture

What an intrusive bitch! No way in hell would I be allowing this. She needs to learn and stick to her goddamn boundaries - bloody hell! the audacity of this woman is just mind boggling!!!

IslandGal's picture

lol! honestly - these bitches just dead set do my head in sometimes!! Why the hell can't they just focus on their own shit and leave us to handle ours..grr..

lil_lady's picture

I don't know I don't get it I am on my way to being a mother and I still have his kids best interest in mind as well as mine. Even if it means I don't like how things have to go. It has been suggested by FH and frankly I think so to that I have been more of a mother to these kids then their own mother can be. I hate that I have to be their advocate... I mean I love them and I would do anything for them but why cant BM at least be a mom for her children. I hate seeing them hurting... I shouldn't have to be their advocate their mom should. The worst thing in the world is having a 6 yr old sweet girl break down infront of you. Bawling and asking you why her mom cant just love her! Gah BM get your shit together and be a mom if you spend half your energy on that your daughter might be doing ok. Instead of all the energy you use to intrude in MY LIFE! Talk about making it so I cant even enjoy my own pregnancy!

lil_lady's picture

We have had talks with SD and will continue to do so. FH has shut it down at least I thought he did when I read his email. I was more wondering if we where not being reasonable because BM still seems to think this is a brilliant idea even though FH has been rock solid on this not happening without myself there. I think next exchange email he will just wright it off completely and be done with it! And yes this is the BM that wanted to come to my ultrasound and tell SD about our pregnancy with just FH and not me!

BM somehow convinced a judge to side with her and she is allowed in the CO to move the kids for her schooling needs... Sheesh way to go family court I am sure uprooting two young children from their home of 3 years with extended family is in their best interest. As is changing a 50/50 access agreement to pretty much zero time with dad. The judge said he had concerns with BM having to travel and what the impact would be on the kids. So he gave BM primary access with generous and reasonable access to FH, now BM figures this is her ticket to only allow him access 6 days a month. Anyways we have since fired our last lawyer and are headed straight back to court hopefully sooner rather then later. That judgement was based on BM moving right away which she has not she is still humming and hawing as to whether to do it. Meanwhile sticking to the CO she got with the understanding that she would be moved an hour away by Oct. She does have to much power unfortunately it was court ordered power! FH does however have joint custody so he has been able to argue that generous access must be agreed upon and he does have a say with the schedule being that he has joint access. Therefor he has a legal right to have say with important matters such as his kids being able to have a healthy relationship with their father.

Oldmom's picture

Lady,

As my name states, I am an Old Mom. I have had to deal with the demands of face-to-face meetings more times than I can count. The biggest difference is back then emails (computers) and voice mail was not something everyone had or could afford. (my SD is 30)

For what it's worth, this is my take on your situation.

This is all about her delusion that she, your DH and SD are still a family. Before you got pregnant, she still believed he would come to his senses and return to her. She is trying to work this baby into her delusion while still keeping you out. The variety of boyfriends are just stand-ins that can not possibly measure up to DH. It is also why she is so insistent on being included on everything baby. And you are excluded in anything SD.

Every time, and I mean Every Time your DH concedes to any demands it reinforces her belief that he still cares for her and will eventually return.

He does need to shut this down right now. Stop taking any calls. Deal only with emails and occasional texts. It will take some time for her to get a clue and she will go crazy until she accepts DH is not "giving in". But it is the very best way to get her out. It starts simple, she calls. he lets it go to VM, he sends a text, please email your concerns to xxxx@xxx.com. He does not need to elaborate at all. He needs to do this every time until it becomes second nature.

If/when she does email, respond to ONLY legitimate concerns regarding SD. If she leaves a VM that does make some semblance of sense, text the reply to her concerns have been emailed to her email addy. BTW SD having "feelings" about you and the baby is not a concern to discuss with her at all. SD failing in school is, however the reply would be to thank her for the info and that you both will discuss this with SD.

If she moves it will be a test to see if DH, not you will move also. Thus proving he really does still love her. Realistically if you & DH choose to move to be closer to SD she will do everything she can to make You miserable.

Make no mistake, once DH shuts her down, she will threaten to move. And quite possibly will actually move to see if he will follow. If he does not, she will make it very difficult for you & DH to maintain the relationship with SD, but if she can not alienate SD against DH she will move back. This is the only way to keep that delusion.

Unfortunately, you and DH must do what is best for you and DH. SD is part of the family you both have made but Can Not be the driving force in your decision making. If she moves and you follow, you will be caught in a triangle that may prove too much for your marriage. If you think she is bad now, follow her to another state and the regrets and resentment will be magnified 10 fold.

Remember, SD is the pawn in the game of "He still loves MEMEMEMEMEME"

lil_lady's picture

FH has already done this there is most definitely no phone calls. I personally do not understand how some people think that is the least bit acceptable. There is also no texting I don't appreciate texting at all... he either wants to play to his exwifes whims or he wants to be with me (this is something I layed down before my pregnancy). BM still texts even though he does not text back, I guess it is to complicated for her to understand. Even though she has been reminded for the last 6 months that emails are the only communication that will be replied to. FH also will only reply to emails on exchange days right now that is once every two weeks. FH only addresses subjects that need to be addressed and have to do with the skids. It is good aswell because that gives him and I time to cool down and discuss as a couple what needs to be addressed and what does not. FH always wants to hear my opinion since his situation clouds his judgment. Right now we are working with his attorney as to what should be addressed and what should not. We are trying not to be ignorant and ignore things and over explain. This is because we have every intention of going to court and making the point that he is an interested and caring father. Whom has done nothing but try to work with BM to parent and have his children's better interest in mind! I guess this is why I am amazed that she is this delusional still. I think to be honest she is starting to realize she has lost control and is trying everything she can to try to prove to herself that she still has this imaginary family she has set up in her mind. You are right on the money with that!

BM got approval from the court to move the kids to a city an hour away. Originally FH wanted to fight this and fought to have the kids stay in the town we are in. The judge felt that having mom travel during her days of having the kids would be more damaging then allowing BM to move and have dad see them less. However up until that point (in aug) parents had a 50/50 agreement. Basically a real crappy call by the judge. Now BM has still not moved even though she was supposed to and is still trying to stick to the judgment she got even though she is living in the same town! We have since fired our old lawyer and got a new one we hope to be in court again before she has a chance to move and hopefully get a 50/50 order again. To be honest not moving is not an option this would leave FH only seeing his kids 5 times a month... If she wants to take it as him following her so be it. Those kids deserve a dad and FH deserves to get 50/50 back. I honestly doubt we will have to move with what BM has pulled with taking the judgment then not moving. A judge is going to look at that and see right through any excuse she has. She is going to look like an unstable liar who has no regard for her children.

Cocoa's picture

wait, what? bm wants to discuss moving with your fh without your presence? and he's already agreed to uproot you and follow her? if you're ok with the moving thing, fine. but i'd be damned if my fh would follow his ex, unless it was beneficial for US as a family. I hope he won't have to leave a good paying job! and why in the world would bm think you would have not input?

as for private meetings...never acceptable and unnecessary, to talk about anything. ESPECIALLY without his pregnant, future wife. telephone works just fine. why does she need face to face contact? to shed a little tear so that he sees it? to dress up and show your fh what he's missing? to feel like a family again? to assert that she is still the #1 woman in his life and prove he'll come running when she calls? this woman is nuts. to tell the truth, i'd be happy with her moving away and staying put just to create a little distance from her (she's going to make your life miserable). it seems your dh is telling her she has boundaries, but entertains her craziness. why is he even talking to her unless it's something emergent/important? mediation is a great idea, get your court order and follow it. it will be your bible.

emotional separation has to begin with your fh. until he does (it's pretty obvious he hasn't yet), bm will continue being intrusive and kids will continue thinking it's ok to include bm on everything. create strict boundaries around your relationship. tell bm what she may contact about and how, and feelings aren't included in this (hers OR sd's). the two of you can handle any probs your sd may have. and then stick with those limitations.

lil_lady's picture

No she does not want to discuss moving without me and he has absolutely no intention of discussing it... If she wants to move he has already told her he just needs to know sooner rather then later because I am due in March. He does not want me to have to move 9 months pregnant! I am sure that really chapped her ass that it is his only reasoning. As for how I feel it was my idea this move is court ordered and the only way that we can get a chance at gaining 50/50 access again is if we do that. We are still going to take her to court again with a different lawyer and hopefully get a different judgment. These poor kids have had 50/50 then a pre trial judge went and ordered BM to have primary access. BM has taken that and power tripped now for the last 2 months FH is lucky if he sees them 5 times in a month.

Phone calls wont be done he does not think they are appropriate neither do I! With this woman is psychotic and we need everything documented. Emails only FH has no desire to her or hear her voice and really has finally gotten her to realize she can not just text or call when she feels the need.

The meeting she wanted to have without me there was with SD to talk about her "feelings". He has already denied the request until she can come up with an agenda and we feel it is needed and to boot I will be there. She was basically told... we will be handling this in our home if things don't get better then we will consider having you over to have a discussion with FH and lil_lady and SD. She is still pushing for it so I was asking do people think it is appropriate or needed? I was starting to question my own beliefs being that we are dead in the middle of it and just sick of her BS lol. Not to mention I am so angry and emotional right now I don't know which way is up half the time lol.

Mediation has been done with NO SUCCESS we have already been in court. Mediation with this woman is waist of time she is so delusional. She has suggested mediation again to figure out access FH is going to court he wants to take her for all that she has. The only reason he is sending an email on exchange days only is because he wants a solid record of communicating for his kids sake that is the only engagement he has with her. Lol trust me there is no emotional ties at all with this woman.