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BM reminiscing about 'first family' memories that kids wouldn't otherwise remember

HMommy's picture

Quick background, SO and I have been together for 3 years, he's been divorced for slightly over 3 years. ExW believes that I made reconciliation impossible bc I was in the picture - essentially I'm the cause of her break up and I stole her life. In a previous post I mentioned that she has attachment issues to SO and we have to enforce very rigid boundaries in order to keep her out of our personal lives. I have 2 skids, SD6 and SS4 and we have 50/50 custody of them. In the last 2 mos we have managed to finally have some peace without her running interference but it's come rearing its ugly head in a different way that's got me feeling very uncomfortable.
SD was barely 3 and SS was less than a year when SO moved out - there's barely any recollection in the children's memories of them as a family unit - but the kids lately have begun to talk to memories of things they did together when they lived altogether or if SO does something for me they compare it to something he did for BM. For example - SO recently proposed and last night while I was cuddling with SS on the couch while SO went to pick up SD from a bday party he told me every detail of how his dad proposed to his mom and what her engagement and wedding ring looks like; we're planning a trip south and SD talked to memories of a trip they took to Mexico when she was 14 mos old; we had thanksgiving at our cottage that we've owned for over 2 years and skids are talking in great detail about a cottage that they rented in the area for a long weekend when SD was 2.5 and SS was only 6 mos - they describe the layout of the rental, where they slept and some pretty specific anecdotal events that happened. SS4 also told me he knows why his mommy and daddy divorced he remembers daddy screaming at mommy once when he was in his room - when was that? At 9 mos old? We started a tradition our 1st Xmas 3 years ago where we go to a store and let each child pick out their yearly Christmas ornament - even this new tradition is being overshadowed by an obscure tradition about ornaments that SO doesn't remember having with BM. It's becoming a little insane - I can't create a meal, go to an event or reminisce about something we did together without the SKIDs saying 'Daddy remember when we lived together and you and mommy...'. My DD5 and DS8 made the comment of 'wow - they remember lots of things from when they were babies!' SO and I have started shutting down the conversation and re diverting to something else, but it's incessent. Is anyone else dealing with a BM that's messing with her kids heads? Implanting memories they wouldn't otherwise remember? Is there anything I can do to stop this insanity??? I'm beginning to think that it was better when she was physically overstepping boundaries vs. doing this to her poor children.

just.his.wife's picture

I think your DH needs to step up just a bit during these stories and shut the kids down with "That never happened" or "Sorry, you/your mom is remembering wrong."

Some of this may NOT be BM. Don't misunderstand them knowing a cabin layout from infanthood is definately coming from BM.. the info that is, same with the engagement, arguement. It may not be BM "planting" information in their head, it may be a question they asked her/ something they overheard her talking to a friend or family about. Voila instand new skid memories.

Kids that age have an innate desire to have mom and dad together, doesn't matter if they do not remember mom and dad being together or not, right here, right now they want mom and dad together... only mom/dad/both have a new partner/wife/husband and the kids know it isn't going to happen.

But they love their mom. And they love their dad. And because they love mom and dad... they dont want to see either of them replaced. YOU are replacing BM. So yep they are bringing her up to remind you "she's number one! anything you can do she can do better!" Why? Because they are kids. And little ones at that. Don't expect logic or reason.

Expect it to continue even as the kids age.

Sometimes the memories/ stories are also a way for kids to play their parents. Hmmm if mom did this with us... lets see if we can get dad to do something even BETTER!

My kids were 10 and 11. I took them on a "trip" to a KOA campground literally 10 minutes from our house.
We spent the weekend in a tiny (nasty, filthy, d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g) cabin (first day I literally spent 2 hours CLEANING it). We rented a canoe and paddled on a small river, went fishing, went on a manatee tour etc. Nothing huge, nothing dramatic. Just a quick fun weekend away from the house. Literally still in OUR city/ county.

The CO for the kids clearly stated if either parent was taking the kids out of the county we had to notify the other parent 24 hours ahead of time.
If we were taking the kids out of the state, we needed to give 2 weeks notice.

Apparently after our fun filled weekend, I dropped the kids off to their dad for his week, and about 4 hours later his new girlfriend is calling me (This was the GF my kids LIKED and kept asking thier dad when are you going to Marry her). I could hear my ex losing his mind, ranting, raving etc, in the background. New gf explained the kids told them a story upon getting back to his house and would I mind clarifying a few things? Sure.

Did you take the kids camping in North Carolina over the weekend?
Nope, took them camping at the KOA two miles from the (xh) house.

Did you go white water rafting?
No. we went canoeing. Not a ripple in the water aside from when the oars hit it.

Did you go on a dinner cruise out into the gulf?
No. We did however go on a glass bottom boat to see manatees and we did eat sandwiches on the boat but... not a dinner cruise.

I'm taking it the huge 'mansion' the kids are saying yall stayed in isn't an accurate description either?
Nope, ratty nasty rent a cabin at the KOA that I spent two hours cleaning immediately after checking in.

XH automatically "assumed" that I broke the CO and took the kids out of state without notifying him. His first reaction was accept the kids "story" as gods honest truth.

His gf at the time... also a divorced mother.. recognised the tell tale signs of kids exaggerating their little asses off.. and called to clarify.
And the kids, upon their return to my house, got to write their dad and his girlfriend letters of apology for being little shyte stirrers... also lost tv and video games at my house for a week for lying about the mini vacation.

HMommy's picture

Yes, most have happened and lots of exaggeration. Challenge that I'm having is that this behaviour just started 2 weeks ago. They have never brought this stuff up before and SO has tested to see if they remember something else that happened and they couldn't. So we're pretty sure that this is crazy BM reliving her past. Is that healthy for the kids? It doesn't feel like it to me.

HMommy's picture

I would never ask them to erase, nor would I want them to not look at old pictures. If BM wants to re-tell stories that is her choice. I have issue that it's in response to something she's learned through the kids has happened at our house. In the moment, the kids have not said 'Daddy, we've done this before with mommy right?' Or 'we've been here before with mommy, haven't we?' It's always post their return to BMs house, then they come back with these stories. Now our CO says that the other parent will not use the children to gather information about what's happening in the other parent home/life. Is this at all enforceable based on the situation here? I know this seems drastic measures, but the skids need some peace to live and enjoy the moment.

jumanji's picture

Had something similar happen, but Dad and his (then) g/f filled in blanks incorrectly. Yes, I took the kids to AC (which is about an hour away). Yes, we stayed over as it was my birthday. Yes, we walked past the gaming floor on the way to the room and later the pool. No, they did not gamble (LOL at 6&8) - but we did play poker and blackjack in the room. No stakes. Why yes, I did have A drink at Rain Forest Cafe in a fun cup. And they had their drinks - non alcoholic - in fun cups.

None of what the kids said was untrue or a lie - the embellishment came from those who were determined to believe the worst.

SecondGeneration's picture

Eek that would drive me insane.
My SD4 was also under a year when her parents split. They were never married, were dating when found out BM was pregnant and moved in together. They didnt even manage living together for a year, they broke up as BM was cheating.
My partner then had custody of SD from the split when SD was approx 6-9 months old right up until she was 2 and a half and we started dating. BM went back to court and was able to gain custody due to my partners working hours not being as suitable as hers for daycare/school. Hes awaiting an appeal.

Like your step kids, my SD has no memories of her parents together but she knows they were together and she knows when she was a baby she used to live with her dad.
However recently theres been talks of a photo, SD says she has a photo of her mum and dad together with her from when she was a baby (doesnt bother me in itself as thats her parents and she should have that) but I do admit, I dont like hearing about it lol

tessa12's picture

Sadly, Tog's advice is true, and exactly what I do and recommend. I actually don't recommend "shutting down" the "conversation" unless it's pure lies. When my step kids mention their mom, I smile, nod, and say something really bland, like, "Oh, wonderful. How nice." I often pretend she's the crazy neighbor down the block. I want nothing to do with her, but I don't want to provoke her either.

It is sad that a six year old boy is recounting a piece of jewelry with so much detail, more so given that it is his mother's engagement ring from a marriage that ended in divorce. Nevertheless, there's not much you can do about it. Even if it is really damaging for the kids to her their mom walk down memory lane (and I can't see how it's healthy for anyone, especially BM), there's really not much you can do about it. The less interaction, and conversation there is about her, especially in your mom, the better for everyone.

I'm sure it must be maddening for you. It is for me as well. I nod, smile, and sometimes, if they're going on and on, I will walk into a different room and pretend to clean. : ) Especially as they get older, it's very empowering for a child to see that they have such a strong reaction on an adult when talking about someone else.

Sounds like you're doing far better than you think you are : )

momandmore's picture

BM2 tried to do this for a short time. It was usually to try to top whatever I was doing with SD's at the time. Most recent example was I put SD's in ballet. BM "oh do you remember when I tried to teach you ballet, I'm sure you don't, but I did!" No.. BM ya didn't. BM taught them to dance like music video dancers and SD got in trouble in kindergarten for grabbing the wall and popping it. yeah. WTG.

The "planting stories" didn't last very long for BM b/c SD's always shot her stories down. "you didn't do that with us, SM did!"

Rags's picture

Solution - "You can't possibly remember anything from when you were that young. You are telling stories that you heard from your mom. Tell us about things that YOU actually remember about Christmas. How about some of the things you remember from Christmas with your dad at this house."

The only way to shut down or control the PASing crap from an X is to confront it head on each and every incident and counter PAS with facts. The kids need the facts in order to understand when their toxic parent is manipulating and they need the facts to develop the ability to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool (which if they are being PAS'd they most assuredly have).

learningallthetime's picture

I agree with Rags. Just explain to them honestly. BS8 was 5 when me and ex split, he really does not remember us being together. Neither of us play this game, however, we will look back at photos and talk about what we were doing - camping trips etc. He does not remember and will make up stories - that is what kids do. I just discuss HIM and what he was doing. Thankfully as most photos are either me OR ex, as the other one is taking it, it is not too hard. Kids love photos and stories. BM is playing a mean game, DH needs to counter with "hmmm funny I do not remember that" or some such each time. The kids may then go back to BM and say that, and the game may get old. Or, just ignore. Maybe she will get bored.

learningallthetime's picture

I agree with Rags. Just explain to them honestly. BS8 was 5 when me and ex split, he really does not remember us being together. Neither of us play this game, however, we will look back at photos and talk about what we were doing - camping trips etc. He does not remember and will make up stories - that is what kids do. I just discuss HIM and what he was doing. Thankfully as most photos are either me OR ex, as the other one is taking it, it is not too hard. Kids love photos and stories. BM is playing a mean game, DH needs to counter with "hmmm funny I do not remember that" or some such each time. The kids may then go back to BM and say that, and the game may get old. Or, just ignore. Maybe she will get bored.