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BM meeting my H @ his work and having lunch with her, and SD? Would you be comfortable with that?

soon2bestepmum's picture

Title says it all. I pick SD up from school today (we're doing a week on/week off schedule, she is exchanged on Mondays at preschool). She announces in the parking lot that when her mommy picks her up next Monday they are going to have lunch together with daddy. I don't respond at all, and she repeats herself 5 more times to make sure I hear her loud and clear. :sick:

SD already has a really bad attitude about me and my daughter, and the fact that she has siblings and 2 separate homes. Even though her parents have been apart since she was 14 months old and my daughter and I have lived with her dad for most of her life. We're now married and expecting another baby. The attitude comes from the brainwashing BM and the questions that she gets when she's at her mothers house. "Do you like having to share your toys? How do you feel about that? How do you feel about having to share your daddy?" Blah Blah Blah... and since SD is very possessive and likes attention, she eats it up and milks it for all that it's worth. We don't have discussions like that in our home. If she starts complaining, her dad reminds her that she's lucky to have so many people in her life who love and care about her, and she will not bad mouth people in our home.

Plus, I just posted here a while ago about an incident with BM where she accused me of infecting SD's pierced ears and bringing her to school crusted with black dirt (which is absolutely untrue). She chewed my husband and I out over it in the preschool parking lot. She is a total lunatic, and hasn't exactly been the most pleasant person to deal with.

These are all reasons that I feel totally uncomfortable with the idea of them having a little "family" lunch get together. Am I being totally unreasonable? I called my husband when I got home and asked him if he had planned this without talking to me about it, and he had no idea what SD was talking about. He said he didn't see any point in it either, and that he'd never plan something like that behind my back. I feel like if BM has something important to talk to him about, she doesn't need to be doing it in front of SD anyway. If there is nothing to discuss, there's no reason for them to meet for lunch. He's married.

FallingfromGrace's picture

Yes I would be uncomfortable. My DH knows that and still did it behind my back.

I only found out by reading his email.

If you trust DH then I you dont need to worry about it...but where did SD come up with that?

soon2bestepmum's picture

I'm sure BM mentioned it to SD before ever talking to DH about it. She tends to do that. Way to make your 4 year old the go between.

DoingItAgain's picture

You should thank your husband for saying that he wouldn't do that behind your back.

But had he? Absolutely, I'd have a problem with that! No, it's not appropriate for hubby to go have lunch with EW even if it is to discuss the kid(s). He can do that over the phone or in your presence at either home.

Rags's picture

Your husband, your call. I would insist on being there if I were you.

Over the years my SS's BioDad has made periodic queries to my son asking "does your mom still love me?" Though I have no concerns about how my wife would behave if she were to go to lunch with BioDad and the Skid, I would go. My wife would laugh in his face if he so much as even thought about asking if she still loved him. She would likely answer that question with "I never did. I was too young to realize that while you were perpetrating statutory rape against me the feelings I was having were far from love and since then I have learned that there is nothing about you that is even remotely appealing much less lovable."

I would go just to see the SpermIdiot squirm uncomfortably in his seat the whole time if he bothered to stay at all. That .. would be worth seeing.

Your Skid's BM would likely not bother sticking around if you were there.

As vitriolic and idiotic as she has been I would not give her the chance of getting shitty with my spouse and kid without me being there.

starfish's picture

WTF? uncomfortable? how about no fucking way?

this little luncheon must be canceled ~ it doesn't benefit anyone involved, especially the little brat ~ will just send her confusing vibes.

purpledaisies's picture

Um I would be all over my dh for not saying NO it will not happen! That is just too much. They have not been together for how long and he is willing to have lunch with her???? Sorry but I would not be a happy person and neither would my dh after I got a hold of him. AND NO there is no reason I should make myself be there b/c there would NOT be a lunch! I would make myself very clear on that!

I see that he has no idea about the lunch. I bet this is something the bm cooked up to try to get daddy to go to lunch with her! I'd confront bm about making false plans with my dd and get her hopes up and get her all excited. That is just wrong.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I don't think it is dh's intentions to go. He doesn't even know about it. It is prob something bm made up and told sd to get her hopes up. I don't think there are any real plans here. Even if there was, I don't think your dh would want to go without you. If he does intend to go then yes, you should go. It'll help show sd that you and her daddy are a team/family/couple. To me it seems like bm is trying to fill sd's head with hopes of her mom and dad being together.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

I'm not a big proponent of doing anything that gives skids the idea that mommy and daddy might be able to reconcile someday. I know most kids harbor the fantasy that their parents will get back together, and I think that's okay. I think it's the responsibility of adults not to do anything to perpetuate that fantasy, though, by setting clear boundaries with EXs.

Totalybogus's picture

I am a firm believer in "perception is reality." Even if it was an innocent lunch between a male and female co-workers that are married or in a committed relationship, it still doesn't look good to an outsider. If there is a need for co-workers of different sexes to have lunch together there should always be a third person. It takes away the look of intimacy. So, for an x-wife and an x-husband to be having lunch together, even though there would be a third person there,(SD), the appearance would still be inappropriate for an outsider as it would lend itself to the perception that the two are discussing reconcillation, even if that is not the case. It's all about perception.

CaptainD's picture

Very inappropriate!

Would never happen in my marriage..

Sounds like your sd is confused (she's 4 they. Get stories mixed up quite easily because they don't pay attention to what people are saying) OR the bm really told her that, in which case will be funny when she gets a reality check that no, YOUR husband is not still available for lunches. He's a married man, and not to her.

soon2bestepmum's picture

I told DH that I was not comfortable with him meeting BM for lunch, ever. SD present or not present. I don't think it's appropriate for my married husband to have lunch with his ex wife (who has a history of being unfaithful, that's what destroyed their marriage), and it will send the wrong message to my SD who is already confused. BM has this habit of telling SD things and having them get back to us before she even discusses it with DH. She has even done this when it comes to their custody schedule. She's an ignorant twat.

If this were something more serious, like the incident with the custody schedule, I'd absolutely tell him to get on the phone with BM and call her out on her BS. And he did that time (and of course the response he got was "she's my daughter I can tell her whatever I want"). But I think that she did this hoping that it would get back to me and make me uncomfortable, because that is the way she is. I didn't respond to SD at all, and I think that DH and I just need to ignore it unless SD continues to bring it up (which she hasn't). If BM does make arrangements, DH can tell her no. Her mother does not take criticism well and it's like talking to a brick wall. Plus, I don't want her to think that it gets a rise out of me.

Also, I think I'd be much more lax about it if this woman were sane or at least a good person. But, she's a crazy nut job. Has no respect for my authority in my own home. Pretty much knows no boundaries, and is a compulsive liar. I would NEVER invite anyone like that into my marriage. Hell no. Their job is to co-parent, and to be present for their daughter. That does not involve meeting for lunch, or meeting in person for anything besides birthdays and school events. And even in those situations, I would be present. BM has a baby and is engaged herself, so I really don't understand the point of this.

giveitago's picture

It sounds to me like BM is trying to alienate you both. BM will get SD all exited at the prospect of 'mommy and daddy' being together for her, then she can say that her daddy was a no show. Our BM used to ask why I always had to be 'along' when we picked up and dropped off. DH told her that I am his wife and I am entitled to ride in 'our' vehicle. The ride was over an hour so we made an evening of it and ate, or did something on the way home. It's sad that some kids never get over the notion that their parents will be together again. If it were me I would be chatting with DH and outlining the concerns you have with him. He's probably oblivious, once he understands your concerns he might reiterate a few things with SD, like how much she is loved by all of you. I'd be really, REALLY, upset if I heard of such an event as a 'family lunch', worse yet if I were not invited! I cringe when I hear stories from 'back then' at our dinner or lunch in OUR house, I did not invite BM to our table! I do acknowledge that it's part of their history, I listen with good grace and I respect the kids' memories. Some of the stories are amusing.

Parent alienation is horrible, is it possible to file a charge agains someone who does that to a child? It's really sick that people have so little respect for their children and hurt them by alienating and pulling a child apart emotionally. Regardless of what I think of BM I respect the fact that she is their mother. One good thing is that as the kids get older they see more of how things really are and it's up for reasonable discussion.

somerg's picture

i'd flat out tell dh, if she has the balls to have lunch with MY HUSBAND she has balls to have lunch with me too...and PAY FOR HER OWN MEAL


herewegoagain's picture

Ok with it? You're kidding! If my DH dared do such a thing I would do three things:

1.tell him to stop! If he didn't, go to step 2 w/my ex for lunch...if that didn't make him stop step 3
3.kick his a$$ to the curb! His stuff would be outside my door next time!

Dory's picture

I agree - it's not appropriate. It seems that you have established that the "lunch" was a figment of BM/SD's imagination? According to your DH he knows nothing about it? Perhaps BM discussed the idea with SD and told her it was going to happen. Another BM strategy in PAS and shit-stirring.

soon2bestepmum's picture

I just attempted to have a discussion about it with DH and it turned into a full blown argument. He wouldn't ever agree to it but only because that would make me happy, apparently. Not because he thinks it's inappropriate. He doesn't feel like there's anything to discuss. I feel like there is if we seem to have totally different opinions about bm and what the boundaries are. Sad

Dory's picture

You are right - boundaries are SO IMPORTANT, especially in remarriages. And you do need to sit down and discuss boundaries because BMs have a horrible habit of crashing through them at every opportunity. It's the only way to protect your relationship.

Totalybogus's picture

I think he probably got pissed that you're now beating a dead horse. He already told you he wouldn't be meeting her for lunch. That's enough. It really doesn't matter why. He is respecting your feelings. That should be enough. I would get pissed too if my husband kept harping on somthing after it was already dealt with.

hornet64's picture

Absolutely NOT! Unfortunately, this DID happen behind my back one time. I picked up SS9 from school or something one day and he had mentioned that he and his family (mom, stepdad, and 2 sisters not related to my hubby) had had a good time at OUR family beach home. Now, yes, I know what you're thinking... ex gets to go to the family beach home of the family she is no longer a part of? Yes, it's true and it's been happening way before I ever entered the picture. DH used to let her go partly in exchange for additional CS.

Anyway, so he says that they had a good time at the beach home and I asked him when they went and he said like the weekend before or something. So I asked him how his mom got the key. He said that my DH met them at a McDonald's one day to give them the key and they ended up having lunch together. I never knew ANYTHING about it. And boy... fireworks flew when I told DH what his precious SS told me. Oh, I was so angry... partly because he had lunch with his ex... and partly because it DID happen behind my back.

Clearly he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to get upset, but what people don't understand is that things are much worse when you don't tell and then you get CAUGHT!

But I agree with the others... it also does give a false impression to the kids involved. And oddly enough... DH's older kid who is not of the same mom did tell me just this past weekend that SS9 has said in the past that he wants his mom and dad back together. Then again, he never knew what it was like to have them together because they separated when SS9 was only 11 months old.

With all that said... no, it's absolutely inappropriate for them to have lunch together. In fact, just a few months ago, this particular biomom realized that she was going to be out of town in the same town that my hubby was going to be in for work and she suggested that they have lunch together. DH told me about this phone call the day that it happened and promptly told me that he told her no. Hopefully, my message got through from the other time.

skylarksms's picture

If this were MY situation, I would know that the BM is psychotic and delusional. She either THINKS that she is going to have lunch like a little "family."


BM was setting H up for failure. How can he show up for a lunch that he doesn't know about? Then let the PASing begin:

"I don't know WHY your daddy didn't show up. He SAID he would. He must be too busy for us now that he has ANOTHER family. But don't worry, mommy still LOVES you."

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

I have to agree that if my DH were to have lunch with BM, it would be OVER. No way in hell. Of course, if he did have lunch with her, he probably wouldn't tell me anyway...

BellaMia's picture

Not a chance in hell... I'm not that mature, nor will I ever be. Seriously, the problem with this scenario is it sends a message to the kid that there is still something there.

In short? Hell to the no.

august_time's picture

Er, guys - sorry but I'm going to have to disagree with everyone on here!

My SO goes out for coffee with the BM whilst I look after the SSD's at our house. It's done in a public place (and yes, I have confirmed this!) and they both go with lists of things they need to talk about.

The SSDs know that their Mum and Dad see each other, but they also know the reasons why.

I can go along if I want to, we also sometimes meet up at their Gym class, or celebrate birthdays together. The girls enjoy it, and there hasn't ever been any confusion as to who we are to them.

If you dont trust your DH/H/SO - WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?? You must have some serious insecurity issues.

All I know is, they get a chance to air their issues with the kids, parenting and talk about nights/pick-ups/drop-offs, clothes, school, health etc and come back feeling a lot more secure about the next few months. Barring a few outbursts, and some recent issues between me and her - what's so wrong with it?

I'm sure that when the SSDs grow up, the fact that their Mum and Dad have no secrets when it comes to the kids is going to help in their sense of security (and they know they aren't going to be able to get away with much!).

Sorry all, but I trust my SO and, although I dont trust the BM as far as I could throw her, it's working for us!