BM (me) and SM friends on Facebook!
Well, here's a twist: i posted a week ago about getting the Facebook friend request from my skids' BM. On the advice of everyone here and every friend i asked offline, i am ignoring it. It did make me think, though, that i need to try and normalize relations with her as well as with my bio-kids' SM. I had no clue that a week later i will be friends with my kids step-mom and looking forward to much less drama in my life.
Here is how it happened: Saturday morning, my bio-kids SM (my ex-husband's wife of 4 years) comes to pick them up and refuses to drive the last 200 yards down our street to our house. My ex has been doing the same thing lately: they want my boys to walk to where they are waiting. I put my foot down and said, it has to be door to door, i need to see that they have been picked up. They are not walking. She was on the phone with my 15yo, and pretty much told him since i am not letting them leave the house, she is going back ( they live in another state, about 90 min. away). The kids got mad at her, but more so at me. I said, I will drive you to your dad'd house but i will not let you just walk into the sunset. Then i got on the phone with SM and talked her into driving to our house. When she got here, i went outside to meet her, the boys got in her car ( she came alone) and we stood and talked and made peace, and we are now friends on FB ( i sent the request today and she accepted). Next item on the agenda: what camp to send the boys to in August.
DH is amazed. He thinks now i can go sprinkle my magic dust on HIS ex.
My son watching out the window, was like, OMG, they are hugging, what are they doing?
There are still plenty differences remaining, but i think i prefer this scenario to our old one. Cold peace beats cold war.
Who knew this Memorial Day will be quite memorable.
ManyMoments, i am sorry if i
ManyMoments, i am sorry if i have confused you, but i was talking about 2 different women.
The one who sent me a friend request on FB before was my DH's ex-wife. The one who i befriended ( whatever it's worth) over this weekend is my bio-kids SM, MY ex-husband's current wife. I am the BM in this scenario. We will see how things go. As many people have said, it could be done.
Agreed! Hear, hear!
Agreed! Hear, hear!
I am friendly enough with my
I am friendly enough with my bios SM. I like her. I feel a little sorry for her but I do what I can to make her life nice which in turn makes my bios life nice when with their dad. She has come alone for pickups and we can talk civil like. No problems. I actually prefer speaking to her than my loser XH.
I wouldn't spit on BM if she was on fire. Enough said.
LOL... i'm afraid i might
LOL... i'm afraid i might share both feelings.
I'm happy she was receptive!
I'm happy she was receptive! I hope the relationship continues to work itself out!
accept the request, but
accept the request, but restrict what she can see at first. You can take time to decide if she's genuine or not.
My SD's mom and I get along fine now; it IS possible.
Of course, it took more than a decade.
Be very, very careful. I went
Be very, very careful. I went down this path with my DH's BM as well. Even after alot of nonsense, I took her on a mother's day trip to the beach that SS12 was really looking forward to when DH couldn't make it and I didn't want SS12 to miss it. We got along fine, became FB friends, and she actually brightened up when she called for DH and I answered. However - once we filed to reduce CS and SS and ask for the skids on alternate holidays (she wanted them for all holidays except Fathers Day), things went badly. DH had been paying her $2500 on a $4000 a month income by agreement. BM was not happy about this change and would try to be manipulative by calling "as a friend" to let me know that she was going to pursue supervised visitation - of course she wouldn't pursue this if we dropped the case and/or gave her the skids all holidays. BM and her nasty, mean, divorcee friends would also post stuff about DH on FB that was questionable and when DH asked her not to because it made me uncomfortable, she immediately defriended me. We are bitter enemies at this point, a year later.
Thank you for your words of
Thank you for your words of warning, RS. I am sorry it did not work out for you.
I am not going down the FB road with my skids' BM either.
This is another scenario: i am now friends with my bio-kids SM, i am the BM in this case.
I will be careful though.
I'm very happy for you.
I'm very happy for you. Despite what the warmongers on this site think there are bio's and steps that do get along and some get along quite nicely.
Be very careful of the written word - its so easy to be mis-interpreted or to misinterpret. Give every message she sends the benefit of doubt before assuming she said something negative. Follow up with a phone call if you're still worried.
Both of you will have to give 60 and receive 40 (from your respective points of view) to make it work - just like a marriage but its certainly possible.
Great work.
Thank you, OCC, that's great
Thank you, OCC, that's great advice! I am putting it into practice already as we have exchanged emails and i did not quite like the sound of hers, but i am giving her the benefit of the doubt or just ignoring the points i do not like ( she put in her email, you are intelligent enough to understand... huh?? - whatever!) She is 10 years older than me and likes to condescend. I do not care. I am doing this for my kids' sake and i feel good about it.
Thank you for the additional
Thank you for the additional warning, OD. I hear you loud and clear. I generally do not divulge too much on FB, just LIKE the funnies and make innocent comments about friends' pictures. I also decided not to worry about (SM's) words at all, words do not matter. It is the actions, the feelings, intentions that do. So far, so good.
My boys' SM and I exchanged 3 emails and 14 text messages over the weekend. She texted me to ask what to do about my son's rash, what weekend they could have the boys, where they will drop them off tomorrow. You know what i figured out: she wants validation, she is trying to show me that she is taking good care of my kids and wants my approval. I gave it in huge quantities. Can't wait for my boys to get home to hear their side of the story.
Just another day in paradise, you know...