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BM giving up custody..omg..

newmommy05's picture

So BM has decided that she "can't handle" SS7 anymore and told DH to take him. She said we will start with summer and see what happens. I have been stressing about this since yesterday and DH is oblivious. We talked about it for. Bit last night but it always ends up into a fight so I didn't even want to discuss it with him. He thinks I should treat him and love SS like my own, and is have told him many times that I just can't. It has to do with the fact that SS doesnt like me and doesn't even want to be around me. So I can't even have any kind of relationship,with him. Some don't even want to try. I'm st wondering if anyone has had their skids move in all of a sudden with a custody change and get them full time. Does this help with your relationship with them? Or make it worse? I'm in a bit of shock over this still. DH doesn't see how this is going to change anything.

getout's picture

That happened to us. BM just decided to abandon her kids so now we have them. We have raised them in our home for the past 6 years. It's tough. They are resentful to me that I do it better than her and they are also jealous of the realtionship/mothering skills that I share with my own children. I have offered everything to them but they would rather put crazy BM on a pedestal while I do all the raising. Be careful. Be firm and DO NOT hold back from your own children just to make them happy. Rather encourage them to seek what they look for from their own mother.

paul_in_utah's picture

Yep, it is sad how skids will put absentee parents on a pedestal. Until recently, Butthead's bio-daddy only saw her 2 days a month by his choice, but that didn't prevent her from thinking that he was the superdad. Puke.

DASKRA's picture

It will make it harder at first and SS will resent you. The only suggestion I can offer if you are wanting a relationship with your SS is don't give up. He will resent you and make you work and fight for a relationship with him not because he doesn't want one with you because most kids want to be loved but he wants to know if you are in it with him for the long hall. You make a commitment to your DH when you get married to always be there through good times and in the bad and as an adult we understand that. However as a child they do not get that you will or do always love them. You have a choice to love him or not. As parents (most) there is no choice, you love them no matter what they will ever do. I think Skids want to know that you will love them no matter what and will be there for them as well. He probably is feeling abandoned by his mother right now and needs to know that if you want to, that someone will be there for him and not 'give' him away as he would consider it right now.

newmommy05's picture

Good points. Sinc BM has said his before and hasn't followed through I guess I am still holding out hope that this won't happen, but who knows. I hate that my life is in a constant state of chaos. But anyways I have had the talk to DH about what he expects to happen when SS gets here but I just don't think he gets Ll the work involved in raising a child day in and day out. Especially with our DD 4mths he doesn't know what to do at all and always looks for me to tell him what to do next. I don't mind that so much since she is my daughter as we'll. DH has always told me how he was never really a dad to SS7 and how he wants to have him full time so he can be the dad. I told him I just don't think we are ready to take this on. He just doesn't get it. He's in daddy la la land.

dledden's picture

Jesus H Christ, i think every daddy lives in la la land! Mine certainly does. He ignored an autism diagnosis made at age 3 for his kid and only agreed to deal with it SLIGHTLY when he and i started dating when the kid was 5.....biomom's not in the picture in my situation, so i'm stuck with ss8 and all the non-interventions he has right along with him. I deal with all his shit. Dad is still in la la land. i finally laid it out on the table a week or so ago.....i told him that dealing with his kid fulltime is driving me insane! that i needed help, or we weren't getting married and i was moving back in with my parents with my kids. so he's trying. you need to let him know that this kids mother needs to not dump her problems on you two. it will make you miserable, trust me!

newmommy05's picture

I've tried believe me. But all he says is that he's his dad he's not going to give up on him no matter what BM does. He said once we get him full time, he's not going back to his bm's ever. DH's son was also diagnosed with autism (or learning disability) it has changed ,any times so I'm not sure what exactly he has or doesn't have. DH refuses to believe there is anything wrong with his son of course. I told him if there is something you need to help him deal with it. Not stick your head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist.