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BM changing her name back to DH's... Thoughts?

Sandybeaches's picture

What are your thoughts on BM changing her name back to DH's after she has remarried and is getting divorced again.  

DH and I have been married for 20 years.  BM has not been married to my DH for more than 25 years.  She remarried 10 years ago, and is getting divorced we have heard.  She has already changed her name back to my DH's.  The kids are grown adults in their late  20's so there is no reason related to the kids for her to do that .  

She has always still had a thing for DH and has harassed us for years.  She is also not the best moral character and I hate her having our name again.  I don't get it.  Why not keep the name of the last husband or go back to her maiden name?  I think she wants to tie herself back to my DH as she has always tried to act like he is her husband still.  My DH is livid! He thought she had to change her name and stop using his as it said in their divorce she would go back to her maiden name.  

What are your thoughts on BM going back to DH's name after a second divorce from another guy? 

JRI's picture

I'm guessing she is doing it as a solidarity move with the kids.  If the kids are female, then it's for another reason.  I see it as kind of like she's "erasing" the 2nd divorce and reclaiming status as the kid's mom.  Whenever I fantasized about divorcing DH, I thought about going back to my kid's surname.  One reason is that the kid's surname is 4 easy letters whereas DH's is an ethnic 10 letters that no one can pronounce.  Lol.  But if I were you, I'd be annoyed, too.

Catmom23's picture

That's odd.  Since the kids are adults there won't be any sort of confusion in school.  I would think she'd have changed it back to her maiden name.

When I got divorced i kept my married name simply because I preferred it over my maiden my son was just starting elementary school.

nengooseus's picture

My mother is one. She and Dad divorced in 1982 and she immediately remarried. She divorced him after 2 years. She kept husband #2's last name because it was "cute." She never wanted anything to do with Dad's name or to match me (which was tough as a kid in the 80s).

At this point, she's not been married to my dad for almost 40 years. Literally no one knows her by that name (which is also my maiden name), but now it's so important to her that she uses it all the time. It irks me to no end. 

Thisisnotus's picture

In that scenario it's very odd! It's been sooo many years!

Ive been re married for 3 years and if I was to get a divorce in the near ish future (not 20 years) I would go back to my exes last name.  It was my name for 17 years and almost half of my life......and oddly it still feels like it's my name.....I feel super awkward with my "new" name.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

IMO, BM can do what she wants. However, it's what DH does that i would worry about. How do you know she did it? Does your DH talk to her regularly? With the kids in their late 20s, he should be having not much to do with her, if anything at all. She shouldn't have any bearing on your home whatsoever. 

Sandybeaches's picture

First we are no contact with BM what so ever!!!  She is blocked from both of our phones and pretty much our life!!

We know she is getting divorced because we know a few people that work with her new husband who seems to be a nice guy I might add, and they heard it through the grapevine at work.  They told us because BM harasses us and they were thinking if she is without a man she will be up to her old tricks again so they thought we should know. 

We know she already is using DH's name because she has changed it all over social media.  Again we know this because others tell us as we are not on social media.   

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm glad to hear that at least one DH out there sets boundaries with the ex. Wasn't trying to accuse him. It's just that in a lot of situations it's the DH who is keeping inappropriate contact with the ex, and it's the SM who has to be the boundary police. It gives me hope that there are men out there who actually choose to avoid their exes unless absolutely necessary. 

Sandybeaches's picture

That is fair I understand.  My DH can't stand dealing with her and chooses not to at all costs.  While it is still not perfect, every once in a while she fakes an emergency with the now adult children and because he is a normal human being who can't believe someone would do something like that he falls for it.  But only for a minute and then when it proves to be another poly he is less likely to fall again.  

In the beginning it was a little harder to get him to see and I had to sit back and let a few things play out before he really saw it  While he always hated dealing with her, when the kids were little he did some what and it took seeing a few things and just waiting until they were older and he didn't have to deal at all.  There is hope but sometimes you have to let a few things play out.

ndc's picture

I think it's strange.   I was happy when BM remarried and took her 2nd husband's name, so I'm sure I'd be very disappointed if she ever went back to DH's name - I don't want to share a name with her.  At least she and DH have young kids who are in school so there would be a logical reason if she went back to DH's name.  In your case I cannot come up with a single good reason why she'd do it, unless both her 2nd husband's name and her maiden name are ridiculously difficult to spell or pronounce.

Rags's picture

But... there is probably nothing DH can do about it.  Any adult can change their name at will.  I am not aware of anything that would allow for DH to contest BM retaking the family name.

Like the BM in your situation, upon our divorce my XW petitioned the court to return to her maiden name. Thank God I did not harm my family name by polluting my gene pool with that cavern crotched adulterous skank whore.  She returned to what turned out to be her multigenerational felonious maiden name and I and my name were free and clear.

I completely understand your frustration and DHs.  Too bad more people are not more discerning in their choice of mates.  I am blessed that my incredible bride of 26 years has made our family name even better.  My parents love my bride as the daughter they never had.   She and my mom are BFFs and she and my dad are partners in crime.

I have no doubt that if something happened to me, she would keep the family name and would be an all in permanent member of the family. Her next DH would have to navigate that.

After all, her son asked for me to adopt him.  We made that happen and both of them are all Rags clan. There is no doubt.

Good luck.

Sandybeaches's picture

But I kind of give my DH a break as he was pretty young when he met and married BM... He broke up with her and she came back pleading and he took her back.  Thinking they were both going away to school soon, they would pretty much drift when they went to college.  Then she got pregnant and the rest is history.  Pretty common story...  But honestly after all these years of trouble and problems I have asked him many times how did he get mixed up with her!!! 

I totally see your point!!  

tog redux's picture

It's weird, but there's nothing you can do about it. Just be sure that she doesn't get any inkling that it bothers either one of you, since that's her goal.

Sandybeaches's picture

You are right!!!  She would love to think she was bothering me!!  Thank you for pointing that out, my mind hadn't gotten that far into it yet!!

lieutenant_dad's picture

BM did exactly this. Made a big announcement on social media about going to DH's last name (similar to those announcements you see from women after they married saying "I'm now officially a <BLANK>"). My MIL even welcomed her back to the family name even though she and FIL had been divorced for 20 years.

My personal thoughts on why she did it (versus her excuse that it was "for the boys")? She still has a thing for DH and sees him as her back-up when she's single. Or, she was mad at her mom at the time and didn't want to share a name with her.

The best part is that she went through the trouble of changing everything back to DH's last name only to get remarried less than 2 years later and take yet another last name.

Oh, and we knew about it because she made a big production out of telling DH. He was unpleased, but nothing he can do about it.

If I were you, I'd not dwell on it too much. You likely know the reason, and it's likely a combination of a bunch of different factors. You can't change it, though you can be annoyed by it. One thing to consider, though, is checking your DH's credit frequently. One of my concerns was BM taking out loans in her and DH's name since she could forge his signature, knew his SS number, and had a marriage license for the two of them. She never did it, but DH and I both watched his credit report like a hawk because it wouldn't have been the first time BM committed fraud against DH.

Sandybeaches's picture

Years ago right after DH and I met she did try to use his credit to buy a car.  This was one of the problems he found out about after their break up.  She cheated and left and then he found out she opened all kinds of credit cards in his name and forged his signature.  She thought because they were married she could do this.  It was a mess!!  

Sadly she has now done this to the kids.  She ruined both of their credit.  She has no morals or values!!!  Her address that she has lived  at  long after their breakup show up on DH's credit report.  I have disputed the addresses.  I am never sure why they do.  I do check our credit all the time and never anything bad but odd her addresses from years ago come up..  

Seriously7's picture

I think it's strange. I used to be irked that my husband's ex kept his last name after the divorce. It felt like a weird sister wife situation. Once she remarried she tried keeping my husband's last name instead of taking her new husband's. That's when it hit me that it was just sad and I let it go. She has nothing to do with me or my husband. I don't care what that woman does with her name. 

futurobrillante99's picture

It's really strange that she would change it back to your same last name.

I'm still saddled with my 2nd ex-husband's last name for a bit. I hope to be able to retire in 5 years, so that's my target. I don't like my maiden name. I didn't want to go back to my first husband's name despite having 3 children together;2 boys.

It's a hassle to change a last name and I WILL change it again, one way or the other. If it's not by marriage, I will petition the courts for a brand new last name that I've already chosen. I like that I will not have gotten it from a man but from a famous woman I respect.


Rags's picture

She likely would have changed it even if she never married.  Her BioDad was the only kid in his generation of that side of her clan whose adoption had not been completed by the time he passed.  So... DW was raised with his pre-adoption last name.

My FIL, DW's StepDad, adopted her when she was 39 so if she were to go back to a maiden name it would likely be my FIL's family name.  She would most likely not retake her origninal maiden name.

Rags's picture

She likely would have changed it even if she never married.  Her BioDad was the only kid in his generation of that side of her clan whose adoption had not been completed by the time he passed.  So... DW was raised with his pre-adoption last name.

My FIL, DW's StepDad, adopted her when she was 39 so if she were to go back to a maiden name it would likely be my FIL's family name.  She would most likely not retake her origninal maiden name.

Sandybeaches's picture

I do agree it is very odd.  I believe it is another sick crazy way to connect herself back to DH.  She has been trying to do that still for years.  While we do know that we can't do anything about it, we do hate her having our name!  Most people that have mentioned it think she is doing just what I said connecting herself to my DH and they think she is sick and crazy..  

So I am sure she looks foolish not us.  

hereiam's picture

I think that it's really odd and I'm sure everybody that knows her thinks it is, too. So, I agree that she is the one who looks foolish.

When BM over here got married after DH, then got divorced, she went back to her maiden name, not DH's. Her last name changes with the season, though (on her 6th marriage), so DH's is but a faded memory.

Catmom23's picture

It's always hilarious when my SO gets junk mail addressed to him with MY last name, which is my ex's last name.  I always joke that if we get married my SO has to take my last name.  I honestly don't think my ex cares that i kept his last name.  His mother kept it after divorcing his father.  Then again, I don't have anything to do with him now that our son is grown.