BM calling for money again
Had kind of a big blowup last night, at least for DH and I who rarely ever argue.
SD11 got sick and had to go to the doctor. BM called him a couple of nights ago and asked him to go to the E.R. with her and SD because SD had a fever of 102 and had a sore throat. DH asked me about it since I'm a nurse and I told him she should definitely have her checked for strep the next morning but I didn't think an E.R. visit was necessary. So DH didn't go to E.R. with her but told her to call him and let him know what was going on. BM took SD to the doctor yesterday morning.
Apparently SD does have strep. BM said they gave her antibiotics and told her she could go back to school in 2 days, which seems a little fishy to me but whatever. Then SD calls and tells DH she has mono AND strep. (Yet she's going back to school in 2 days? I don't think so. Just another bid for attention.)
So then BM calls and asks DH to pay for half of the doctor's visit and medicine. DH very sweetly told her of course. I was so pissed. WTF do they think the child support is for?!? BM's manicures???
So we kinda had a big blowup. I told DH he was going to have to choose to stop talking to BM all the time or I was going to find other arrangements. I KNOW BM is calling so much to cause trouble after DH told SD11 last weekend it was causing "marital problems." I understand that calling to let DH know that SD is sick is a legitimate call, but all the other calls are NOT legit.
DH says he will stop talking to her and let me hear whatever messages she leaves. We will see what comes of this. I am so over feeling like he already has a family and not knowing how I fit in.
Mono can be diagnosed on the
Mono can be diagnosed on the spot, as well, with a mono-spot test. That's not my point. My point is that anything and everything she was tested for she's now telling DH she has got. Maybe she does, but I doubt it since she has such an attention-seeking history.
And the CO says we are to pay child support and BM is responsible for medical costs, etc. So I think I have a legitimate right to be upset that she would rather ask us for the money than to give up her weekly manicure.
No, she is supposed to pay
No, she is supposed to pay all expenses. DH is only responsible for child support.
^^ Yes, he should pay half of
I think I said in my original
I think I said in my original post that THIS phone call was legit. What do I want? I want her to leave us alone and only call when it is legit. That way I'm not so irritated when she calls, legitimate reason or not.
It's really pretty common for
It's really pretty common for the parents to split medical expenses, above and apart from CS. The details my vary (sometimes the custodial parent has to pay the first few hundred $s, then a split kicks in, sometimes it's just split from the beginning, etc.). I don't think it's reasonable to give Dad a hard time for this one. This is his child, and she is legitimately ill.
Our CO states that above CS
Our CO states that above CS we split all medical costs 50/50, all school costs 50/50, and certain of their extracurricular costs 50/50.
In my experience, kids can
In my experience, kids can return to school after 48 hours on an antibiotic, but they rarely feel like it if they have strep. I am not saying she's not sick. I was the one who insisted she go to the doctor for a strep test. BM was calling around looking for spare antibiotics people might have left over.
I feel like DH should have talked to me before he agreed to pay for anything. BM milks for every dime she can get. We pay plenty in child support and it goes to pay BM's bills plus all her mani's and pedi's and pampering of herself. She wants us to split her on EVERYTHING. What is the child support for if it's not to support the child?
"SD11 got sick and had to go
"SD11 got sick and had to go to the doctor. BM called him a couple of nights ago and asked him to go to the E.R. with her and SD because SD had a fever of 102 and had a sore throat. DH asked me about it since I'm a nurse and I told him she should definitely have her checked for strep the next morning but I didn't think an E.R. visit was necessary. So DH didn't go to E.R. with her but told her to call him and let him know what was going on. BM took SD to the doctor yesterday morning."
From your OP.
BM was NOT calling around for leftover antibiotics, BM wanted to take her sick kid to the ER. YOU said it wasn't necessary and to go to the Dr in the morning, so OH didn't go. (No probs with this, makes more sense than a dash to ER for something small) But don't change the story to make her out to be money grubbing now. She was concerned about her sick kid, she took your advice, and your OH should of course be paying half the out of pocked expenses.
In Australia CS covers basic living expenses - roof over their heads, food, power, clothes. All other costs are discussed in the consent orders and split between the parents. I am gathering it is the same there?
Excuse me? I don't recall you
Excuse me? I don't recall you sitting there when it all went down. She called to ask about leftover antibiotics. When I told her it needed to be checked out, she decided to go to the E.R. and asked him to go with her. I am sorry I didn't include the antibiotics part in the beginning, but I am telling you that's what happened. When I posted this, the important thing that irritated me was that she asked him to go to the E.R. with her. It's like she uses ANY excuse to spend time with him. She is a phlebotomist so she should not be intimidated by the E.R. She just wanted him to spend time with her.
And as it was pointed out earlier, we OVERPAY child support EVERY MONTH for stuff like this. SHE is responsible for medical costs according to the court order. BM IS money grubbing. She always has been. This is not an isolated incident.
Just going from the info
Just going from the info given in your OP.
I still think that sick kids all communication embargoes are off, and medical costs should be split 50/50.
Just because he is with you now doesn't negate his responsibility to the child.... SD should be the issue here, not BM and you.
No, BM called the night
No, BM called the night before looking for antibiotics because SD had a sore throat and fever of 102. When I told DH that SD needed to go to the doctor for a strep test, THEN she asked him to go to E.R. with her. I told him (and he passed it along to her) I thought it would be okay to wait until in the morning. She didn't have anything life-threatening going on. She just needed to go to the doc and get antibiotics, which she did.
We went to SD's softball game the day before. She didn't seem ill at all.
well, that is NOT how the OP
well, that is NOT how the OP is worded?
I had mono. It is some bad
I had mono. It is some bad stuff. I was off of work for 6 weeks and now deal with fibromyalgia every day. I have a chronic form of Epstein Barr, which is the virus that causes mono.
I just don't believe she has it. Otherwise there would be no talk of her going back to school in two days. I will say it again. SHE IS VERY ATTENTION SEEKING. If she has it, yes, I will feel bad for her. But I seriously, seriously doubt she does and it's just another one of her lies to make Daddeeee feel sorry for her.
And I already know what the court order says. DH is supposed to pay child support. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Will DH retract his statement
Will DH retract his statement and refuse to pay her? Or is he pretty much committed to sharing this cost now?
Not sure yet. I hate for him
Not sure yet. I hate for him to go back on his word at this point so we will probably pay her, but she better enjoy it because it's gonna be awhile before I can stomach giving her anything else.
OP - I know and completely
OP - I know and completely understand how you feel, believe me. I too would hate for my DH to have to pay a shit load in CS every month (my man pays 920 a month plus pays for the cost to carry bm & skid on his ins plus half of all out of pocket med/dental costs) to some dumb bitch for their spawn and on top of that take more of my man's and our families money to pay for medical bills. I totally understand and get where you are coming from but unfortunately this is the crap we have to deal with if we are going to be with a man with an ex and kids! (Believe me I HATE it with a passion but it's what they "have to" do). :sick:
There's been a lot of talk
There's been a lot of talk about boundaries around here lately .. it sounds like your DH needs to set some and stick to them.
I think he is responsible for half the medical costs unless the CO clearly states something different, but there's no need for the excessive communication. Our BM had a problem with this too .. if she thinks it's important, then she'll call/text nonstop. Ignoring is the only thing that gets her to stop.
I'm not saying the
I'm not saying the communication doesn't need to happen. I'm just with the OP in that I don't think these all need to be phone calls. The call about the ER and then the update after the doctor's appointment are understandable, mostly because he asked her to keep him updated. The business of splitting costs could have been worked out in an email.
If her BM is anything like mine, she'll call and call and text for every little thing even remotely related to the medical issue at hand. It's just not necessary and it quickly reverts her behavior back to texting/calling for everything. I can understand why OP is frustrated that her DH doesn't put his foot down in these non-essential moments, because it's the little slips that turn into landslides.
Did she handle it perfectly? Maybe not .. but we're all human and make mistakes. We all get fed up and blow off steam.
BM calls constantly about any
BM calls constantly about any little thing she can think of to tell my DH about sd11. As I said in the original post, this call happened to be legit. But how many calls does he need over the same illness? And the last call was strictly to ask for more money. I've been talking to DH about this for a few weeks now and he has not set boundaries. So yes, IT IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES. I will not be second to his ex-wife. He will stop talking to her so much or I will find a new situation.
Cheri, yes... thank you for
Cheri, yes... thank you for understanding. BM is trying to cause problems in our marriage and DH, in trying to "fix" things his own completely clueless way, actually let her know that calling and talking to him for an hour when she picks up SD is causing problems. So that only added fuel to the fire. This has got to stop. As I mentioned earlier, I have fibromyalgia. I control it naturally through diet and a healthy lifestyle, but stress causes me to get sick. I am home right now instead of seeing patients because I feel ROTTEN. I can't keep getting upset about this. This is ridiculous. DH has to set boundaries with BM or I have to be out of here.
Maybe I am wrong here, but it
Maybe I am wrong here, but it seems to me that BM and your DH did have a very legitimate reason to talk to each other (SD's illness) *BUT* that one legitimate phone call was the straw that broke the camel's back after a string of trivial unecessary phone calls?
Also, as far as I know, CS only covers the usual cost of raising a child. The odd medical bill should be split between the parents. At least that is how it is on our CO.
Definitely the straw that
Definitely the straw that broke the camel's back, especially when it was used to death as an excuse to call him over and over.
The CS we pay goes to pay the mother's bills. She calls constantly asking for extra money. The CO only states we are to pay child support. Everything is supposed to come out of that. If it was a rare thing, it would be different, but this is a constant problem with BM.
The CO will only state that
The CO will only state that your husband pays a CS but surely your state law has the exact definition of what CS covers. Our state laws actually defines what CS covers (i.e. food, clothes) and what it DOES NOT cover (transportation, extra-curriculars). I'd recommend you check it out in case you haven't already.
Draco, a very QUICK check on
Draco, a very QUICK check on Google brought up this article by a lawyer in Florida (my state):
http://family.findlaw.com/child-support/what-does-child-support-cover.html
Ah, well there you go! It is
Ah, well there you go! It is certainly not like that where I live, (which would probably explain why Donkeykong pays less than $200 a month in CS).
Exactly. That's why I'm so
Exactly. That's why I'm so irritated about her calls for money. He ALREADY pays too much and it goes to support BM's lifestyle. Now she thinks she's entitled to that and more. The CO does specify that she is to pay for health insurance and health related bills. I do remember reading that much. I will have to dig it out to see what else is specified.
Not sure if this is addressed
Not sure if this is addressed to me or not, but in our case, a big medical bill is normally split. When my SS had to get tested for ADHD, the bill was pretty big. DW and her ex split the cost. It was the only cost he didn't argue against (probably because the definition of the CS was quite clear in this case).
I don't know don't you think
I don't know don't you think the man has a moral obligation to pay for his kids medical expenses? I don't think I would want a man who didn't feel that supporting his kids was a priority. (oh wait, that would be the ex, and that would be WHY he is the ex....)
He DOES pay for her medical
He DOES pay for her medical expenses...EVERY month when he pays his child support. He also pays for BM's manicures and pedicures and shopping trips and so on. It gets OLD. I don't care what anybody says, I HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO GIVE HER ANYTHING!!! And MY SALARY is where the extra money is coming from. So get off your high horse. Sick, not sick, whatever... I did NOT birth this child.
Negative? Because I can see
Negative? Because I can see why the BM told the father of his childs illness, and I have an opinion that both parents are responsible for their children - ok, that's not my definition of negative, but I will wear it if that's yours.
Thanks for the compliment
I am pretty sure their CO was
I am pretty sure their CO was written up by a paralegal friend and agreed on by both of them. Very low budget and not very detailed.
I didn't think I needed to
I didn't think I needed to tell every detail of the story when I was posting this. If I had known my "story" would get picked apart, I would have been sure to include the whole conversation. After I told DH that SD needed to get checked for strep, in the next breath BM wanted to take her to E.R. I don't know if the word "strep" scared her or if she actually had that in mind when she called...not sure. I can't prove what went down so you all are just going to have to take my word for it. Or not...doesn't matter to me.
Do you think it is my
Do you think it is my obligation to pay extra for a child that's not mine? I have kids of my own, young adults, who need financial help as well. I do not see why we are morally obligated to pay extra when it is already supposed to be included in the child support per their agreement. I repeat...any extra money we give BM comes out of MY salary. And I will say it again - I did not birth this child.
"Katies issue is NOT with the
"Katies issue is NOT with the BM. It's her DH she needs to be pissed at. The BM can ask all damn day long. HE agreed to pay."
Now THIS I do agree with. I DO have issues with BM, but I was/am pissed at DH for agreeing to pay. And we probably WILL end up paying THIS TIME because DH has already told her we will and I don't want him to go back on his word. But for future reference, we WILL NOT be paying above and beyond the child support unless we discuss it first and agree to do so. And the way I feel right now, it will be a cold day in hell before I will give BM another dime.
No, but I think we need to. I
No, but I think we need to. I think the biggest thing is that if we're going to give her extra money it needs to be a decision we make together.
Since you've been so busy
Since you've been so busy looking at every little detail of my original post, I have a hard time understanding how you could have missed the part about the call informing DH about SD's illness was totally legit. It's all the other phone calls and requests for money I have a problem with.
I agree, and would be upset,
I agree, and would be upset, that DH shouldn't have to pay half of the medical costs if it is in the CO that those are included in CS. What I would have a MAJOR problem with, however, is the fact that DH found it appropriate or even necessary to tell his child that her mother calling was causing marital difficulties. Did he not think that would get back to BM??? If I were him I would ask for a copy of the doctor's bill and diagnosis, as well as any recommendations as far as time off of school, etc., so that he is on the same page as BM regarding all of those things.
I would also like to point
I would also like to point out that the child support he pays is very high based on HIS income. All this crap asking for extra money has come about because he married me and now has a nicer life. So for some reason, they feel entitled to some of that extra money. BUT IT'S MY MONEY and they have no right to it. Didn't see BM or SD anywhere nearby when I was working my a$$ off in nursing school.
Just put this on my Facebook
Just put this on my Facebook to clear up any misconceptions BM might have about her ability to mess with my marriage. It is a real conversation we had, btw:
"LOVE my husband's definition of "marital problems." A few days ago, he told someone that something was causing us some "marital problems."
I was like, "Huh? We hardly ever disagree on anything, let alone argue enough to have marital problems." So I asked him what he meant by that.
He said, "It is a problem for you, right?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
He said, "Baby, if it's a problem for you, it's a problem for me. Marital problems."
Awwww... isn't he sweet? Those are the kind of marital problems I can live with. ♥"
She's not pissed about bm
She's not pissed about bm telling her dh the kid was sick. She's pissed because of the money constantly going from her household into bm's pocket! That was the source of alot of my fights with my dh back in the day......he paid his (way too much) child support, but she would STILL WANT MORE! ALWAYS WANTED MORE!!! It gets old. I totally get where Katielee is coming from.
Thank you, hippiegirl:) I was
Thank you, hippiegirl:)
I was a BM once, too, and I NEVER asked my ex-husband for more money. I NEVER bothered them with a zillion phone calls - only the pertinent stuff. I respected his marriage to his new wife. I guess I just expected to receive the same treatment.