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BM “made her bed, now she has to lie in it” According to DH

Bethmay97's picture

I saw a similar post but can't locate it so here goes..

BM has full custody over education. DH has full custody over medical. BM Cuddles and babies SS14 to a point he's a spoiled rotten Entitled brat.

Last Semester SS14 decided he wanted to go FULL remote instead of going into school. BM allowed this and it resulted in a total disaster. DH was never asked his opinion on this. SS14 refused to listen to his teachers, goof off and refused to do any work. This has resulted in SS14 failing 8th grade and having to go to summer school. Of course SS14 is refusing to go to summer school and says he does not care if he has to repeat 8th grade. Knowing SS14 it's unlikely he will change his attitude and be a star student next fall. 
 

Now DH has tried half heartedly to get SS14 back on track but since BM refuses to punish SS14 for being defiant it's hard to impossible for DH to do anything. If DH really dug his heals in and devoted 24/7 to fixing this he probably could but DH attitude is BM made this decision without asking DH so it's her mess to fix. 
 

So first it's true if BM refused to let SS14 stay home in the first place this would have never gotten out of control. But as a parent should DH put aside that BM  caused this problem and do everything in his power to correct it? 
 

 

Ghost22's picture

I have so many mixed reactions to this....

If it were my bio child- I would raise hell about this... not necessarily to the other bio parent (though id be furious with them too) but to the TEEN. 14 is not 4... they're old enough to know right from wrong. I would make his/her life absolute hell in that they would have no extras until they can handle the responsibility of the basics- and at 14- that's school.

I also have a SS14. If this were my situation- id bet my DH would feel powerless. Id likely either A. encourage him to try to get the CO adjusted to be put in charge of both medical and school- since clearly BM can't handle it.... or B. let it be known to anyone who would listen- including SS- that at 18 his ass is out of the house. Start thinking ahead now because in 4 short years his time will expire in your home.... he can spend the next decade in 8th grade if that's what he decides but that's where I'd draw the line.

I feel for you... my SS14 is VERY immature and entitled. It's not easy.

ndc's picture

BM didn't cause the problem - SS did.  Lots of parents let their kids go full remote last year (and others had no choice) and their kids didn't fall.  Now,  BM could have imposed some consequences on SS for not doing his work, but presumably your DH could have also.  Maybe SS should just suffer the natural consequences and repeat the year. It doesn't sound like he has the maturity for high school anyway.  But he should definitely have parental consequences as well, imposed by DH if BM doesn't care enough about her kid to give them.  

SteppedOut's picture

The only thing you have any contol over is not allowing his loser kid to move in at 18/when child support ends/he gets kicked out of high scholol (if he doesn't drop out). 

Start enforcing that idea with your husband now. 

Bethmay97's picture

DH is a loss cause. Disney daddy would NEVER tell SS14 he can't move in at 18. The key is make SS Realize living with us will be unpleasant at best. Already planting that seed now. SS14 is unbelievably LAZY. He has told us he does NOT want to learn to drive at 16 because then he won't have an excuse not to get a job. He ALSO told us he Does not want to work at 18. Well I made it very clear to DH and SS if SS wants to live with us at 18 he will have to either go to college or get a job. Niether will happen and BM will allow SS her baby to live at home rent free till he's 30. 

Kes's picture

BM has evidently begun training SS14 to be an obnoxious cuckoo, and there is nothing you or DH can do about it.  He will be one of these loser men still living with their mummy at 45, with no friends nor girlfriend - fine, if that's how he wants to envision his future.  

Rags's picture

Not all 14yos are created equal.  Obviously your SS-14 falls on the idiot side of the continueum.  

I actually applaud DH's perspective that BM owns education for SS-14 and it is up to her to fix this.   

As for the continueum of 14yo quality, some certainly are capable of self motivating, etc.  Others... need a constant foot up their ass to perform.  Quality parents know the difference and apply whatever level of guidance and mitivation that their 14yo requires to be successful.  Note I said quality parents which obviously does not include BM.

I had run ins in Jr. High School  with a kid who was 17 and still in 9th grade.  He ended up pulling a knife on me and was hauled off to Juvi Jail never to be seen again.  My parents went off on the school for allowing a dangerous nearly adult POS to jeopardize the safety of young students.  Other parents joined that effort and several other older Jr. High students ended up being removed from the school and moved to a controlled access campus away from the standard aged campuses in the district.

For some kids being held back is actually a wake up call and a very positive thing. It was for me.  I had two sophomore years of HS.  I was an honors student, National Jr. Honor Society, etc... kid through 9th grade.  My first sophomore year I lost the plot and failed all but one class the entire year.  I was too focused on girls and having fun.  So.... I had a second 10th grade year, graduated HS at 19 at the top of my class, all kinds of National, State, and School honors, etc..

I was never a behavioral problem.  I justed needed a swift kick in the shorts to jar my head loose from my butt.

Hopefully your SS-14 is one of those who will benefit from the year of maturity being held back will give him and.... will respond to the humiliation of watching his peers be a year ahead of him and hopefully his peers will let  him know how much of an idiot he is by treating him in a manner he has earned.

Public humiliation can be a strong behavioral modification motivator. I for damned sure did not want to be a 20yo walking across the HS graduation stage.

still learning's picture

So SS14 fails 8th grade and DH just throws his hands up and says, "Not my problem."  That's an epic parenting fail there. If DH wonders why his son has a crappy attitude he should look in the mirror.  Obviously it's easier to blame BM since she allowed remote learning, but most of the country, if not the world was doing remote school.  Some kids thrived and others failed.  It sounds like ss is not a self-directed learner, so where was DH when the bad grades started? Did he ever check his sons student portal?  Did he ever help with homework or make sure SS had his work turned in on time.  Is he going to help ss through summer school or is it still all on BM.  If dad has checked out and doesn't care about ss's schooling then no wonder why should ss care?