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Blocked from OSD & SKGID'S

Disillusioned's picture

So it's been over 3 months since OSD told DH she was blocking him (us) out of her life as well as sgkids (all because DH finally stood up to her and SIL about their games, their mistreatment of DH and especially me, the games involving BM, etc... etc.. ) Anyway for my part, I've actually been enjoying the peace

But what shocked me a little but didn't entirely surprise me, was when DH said to me the other day that if he goes to his grave and never talks to his sister again, it wont bother him! 

He did say he's missing the sgkids and that's hard, but he's also not ready to be forced to put up with anyone's mistreatment of his wife or himself any longer

Every day that goes by DH says he will never forgive OSD for withholding his gkids from him and I understand his hurt...what happens after 6 months go by, 6 years, 16 years...?! 

I know that OSD is angry and hurt, however unjustified IMO, and I forgive based on that. But it's hard to forgive anyone who would do this

I wonder what will happen when we see skgids again if ever, and what alienation tactics have been used against us, especially me

All of it is just so unacceptably sad

But in the meantime, how wonderful to not have to attend those family get together's where you know before you even step in the door that people won't even be able to bring themselves to say hello to you when you arrive, that they will barely acknowlege your presence, but make a point in your presence to gush about how much they just love love love your husband's ex-wife (BM), how they will sarcastically put down anything and everything about you that they can, exclude you from all conversations while have happily loud giddy ones around you that are aimed to humiliate you and make you feel an outsider. People who stomp around (SIL) with their 'disapproving' judgemental and haughty attitude.

Do I miss any of that?

Nope. Not a chance. 

Gotta say I'm loving the peace, quiet and joy of just not being surrounded by negativity any longer!

And clearly DH is too

Once again, OSD did it to herself - forced our exit from her life and we honestly are enjoying the peace and non-tension

I certainly hope she is too!

grace8205's picture

In some ways I feel bad for your DH, but on the other hand that is what he raised. I am glad the drama has stopped for now. Hopefully peace remains. 

tog redux's picture

I don't know - I saw how DH tried to raise SS and yet he turned out exactly like BM, so it's not always both parents' fault if a kid turns out badly. DH is to blame for knocking up that crazy person, but he did try his best to make SS a decent person.

When one parent is toxic, they have an outsized influence on the kid.

OP, when SS was alienated, we felt just as you do.  DH missed him, and I felt bad for him, but the peace was wonderful. Toxic people wreak havoc on your life.

Disillusioned's picture

I feel bad for your DH & you tog, that's so hard

In our case, funnily enough, BM is not who DH & I really blame

SIL has always made it known in one way or another that she can't stand me/my presense in DH's life, and she is an absolute supporter of OSD's similar feelings and behaviour 

Unfortunately she and OSD are the toxic ones and yes so true of the havoc they wreak! 

Can't say I miss any of that!! 

Kes's picture

I am glad that your DH was strong enough to say no to being abused by family members - I really don't think there is a case for putting up with shit in order to preserve a relationship on any terms.   We are currently experiencing a family estrangement too. My DH and I have been estranged from his mother and step father for a year, come early April.  They behaved unforgivably to us on a visit to them a year ago, and we have not been to visit, or spoken, since. They live 150 miles away. 

It has caused DH quite a bit of sadness and a lot of anger -as his middle brother (whom I call "the rancid weasel") has also lined up with MIL and unfriended my DH on Facebook.   Personally - I am done with MIL and FIL - I will never go there again nor are they welcome in my home.  DH can visit them if he chooses to repair the rift but I won't be joining him.  

Disillusioned's picture

Good for you Kes...yes it's hard when it has to come to that. But no one should have to tolerate abuse and mistreatment 

Curious Georgetta's picture

made his peace with the situation. Rarely are people truly happy in situations that cause them to lose time and companionship with those people that they have spent a life time loving particularly as they reach a point in life that they begin to suffer the loss of parents and friends.

This is a regrettable situation for all involved.

 

notasm3's picture

The problem with grandskids is that while they are so adorable as youngsters they eventually grow up and all too often are just as bad as their rotten parents. 

A DNA connection can be meaningless - you share DNA with your sh*t and nobody (except maybe skids who collect crusty drawers) want to keep sh*t around.

 

somethingwicked's picture

This was the inevitable result when dealng with psycho spawn.

Mothers and fathers who weaponize their children, the grands ,  or use them in hostage situations to hurt parents ,step parents are the WORST .There is not a hot enough or horrible enough level in Hell to mete out just punishment.

Now watch how quickly the ice thaws on OSD's side when there is talk of coming into money or some inheritance .

She and or that awful harpy SIL will be the first  to call or text hoping go grab a share. Yuck.

What is the story with YSD? Did she drink the Koolaide as well?

 

 

 

Disillusioned's picture

I agree with you somethingwicked, that is about as low as it gets. 

Not only does DH lose out on a relationship with the grandkids he so adores, but they lose out on knowing their grandfather; a loving, kind and excellent role model who they will not have the pleasure of knowing....all because their mother is jealous, revengeful and lacks self-control. 

So far YSD gives the impression to DH that she's staying out of it but I'm sure she'll side with OSD, even when she fully knows that OSD is the one with the problem and the one in the wrong

I've noticed a chilling towards me from YSD of late, nothing too obvious but I noticed, we'll see how it all goes

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I've followed your story for a long time, and there are aspects similar to my own steplife experiences. I'm a few years further down the road, but our DHs have said and done pretty much the same thing. After decades of dysfunction, Your DH is coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and the scales are falling from his eyes.

I think your DH's family was locked in a dance of rug sweeping and dysfunction for many years. Ignoring issues, bad actors, and bad behavior was their norm, and the resentment and passive aggression built because the dynamic had no mechanism to release pressure. Your FIL's passing was the catalyst that blew the lid off everything, and aaalll that poison and toxicity went from passive to assertive. The exact same thing happened with us.

It's sad, but it's also freeing to have the ugly out in the open. Your DH doesn't have good relations with his daughters because he never actually did; they were merely pretending for all those years while the cancer grew beneath the surface.

Your DH has a lot of processing to do. It can be very difficult to see something that is so close to your nose, can't it? It took my DH some years to properly grieve and sort through things, and like your DH he will never forgive his daughter for severing the relationship he had with the gskids.

All you can do is be loving and supportive as you and your DH work on healing and moving forward in a healthy way. Find other people with children you can care about, and invest in relationships rooted in mutual respect and reciprocity.  Create new holiday traditions, and don't be surprised when these damaged skids attempt to resume contact. That's the phase we're currently in.

 

Disillusioned's picture

Exjulie, wow, you never cease to amaze me with how right on the button you are!

Yes you've summed things up really well....that is sadly exactly the way it is

I think since you've been down this road, you fully understand

Interesting that you say your skids are now trying to resume contact. What do you think your DH will do? How do you feel about it? 

As always, thanks so much for your insights and taking the time to share them! 

Appreciate that!!