I'm curious how many of you are struggling with finances in your blended family? If you are, have any of you found any resources to help you deal with your struggles?
We are on the verge of filing for bankruptcy, that's our only option because my DH has and continues to make horrible financial decisions. He makes sure everyone else fine, except us. "We" had our own company that, in the beginning was ours, until I told him that the profits we made shouldn't be used to splurge on useless things for Skids. But, he didn't listen, he continued getting loans, making bad business decisions, and then the oil industry dried up, now we're living hand to mouth.
Oh wow, this isn't good to hear. It's tough hear news like this. Granted the oil industry drying up isn't helping things. I can definitely tell neither of you are on the same page when it comes to finances. He's obviously making choices without talking and getting an agreement from you.
Have you talked to a financial advisor, credit counselor or an attorney about your struggles...especially someone who has a blended family?
hummm blended family does not mean blended finances...
I always kept my financials separate from SO's, I will pay my share of house hold bills and not a dime more...
SO has nothing to do with my income or how I spend it and he hardly covers his share of house hold expenses, I do not care, if I want to entertain myself I do it...
Aergia wants something, SO will tell her, sorry kiddo there's not money for that, she will say then but Acra bought this or that, I smile and say and your point being....... I'm not your mother I owe you nothing, so go and ask your mother... (I give a flying duck how hurt her feefees get...)
Wow, why do you say that blended family does not mean blended finances....?
Obviously you don't trust him. Would you be able to manage his money too? It might make your life less hectic.
Have you looked to see if there is someone who could help you solve your problems financially?
It's got nothing to do with trust....bwhahahahaha financial problems... you wish....
I have no financial problems I am quite stable in that area thank you.
I earn my own money, SO earns his own money and we do not get involved in each others business, We are not together for financial reasons, we are together because we love each other... maybe you should try this and not hook up with some one because of their money
That's a $million question! Me and DH have totally different ideas about kids and money and I have to switch off and not think about it otherwise I would explode. We have a joint bank account for house and bills etc, but other than that our finances are completely separate.
We have three adult kids each (mine 27, 25 and 22 - his 28, 25 and 22). All of my kids work full-time and apart from my youngest (who still lives at home) have their own homes. DH's eldest and youngest sons only work part-time (out of choice), they all live at home still and his middle son works for DH (DH has his own business) and SS rarely gets out of bed before 10am every day and has already had 8 weeks holiday this year. DH gives all three of his sons $150 each pocket money every month - yes they are 28, 25 and 22!!!! :O :jawdrop:
Why do the two of you have different ideas? Because you seem to be on the same page with the house and bills. Why not take it a step further? My wife and I have.
However, it's obvious your don't agree with him giving an allowance to the kids. I agree with you on this issue. They need to fend for themselves at this point. Enough is enough!
Got it. Does your plan work pretty good...I mean does he put 1/2 in the joint to cover bills? Hopefully he does.
Sorry to hear you don't get any help. It's not good when a man doesn't step up to the plate and take care of his kids!
DH sucks with money so we tried a joint account (so I could babysit him) and it caused nothing but problems. Now he handles certain bills and I handle certain bills - what he does with the rest is on him. If I feel like being generous with the skids - I will, but I feel more in control of "my" money with separate accounts.
Joint accounts can be a problem. I know it didn't work because you thought you needed to babysit him. He's supposed to be your DH not a child. That doesn't mean he's not a fault because a lot of men are horrible with money. So is everything good now? What about doing something?
You are teaching your daughter the right way. Keep it up! Sounds like your SO should learn a thing or two about saving.
I do have a thought about the fairness issue. Unless the two of you are engaged or married their is no fairness because neither of you has an obligation to either kid. However, there must be fairness if the two of you are committed as a family and the rest of the family including grandparents need to understand that.
In my 7 years of remarriage I have never gotten to the point that I've seen it all. There are too many people involved in my life with too many attitudes that can change at the blink of an eye. Be ready at all times. You and your SO need to be on the same page. I hope it works out for the two of you.
DH and I have a joint "house" account where anything to do with general household expenses are taken from. We each put in a specific amount each month. This does not include groceries; it's for utilities, mortgage, trash bill, and savings.
I monitor that account like I do my checking account - with a microscope. I don't hold back if DH is late putting his share in and make sure he does it.
Everything else is his or mine to spend.
I don't spend on the SDs - we are still working this out and I've been slowly extricating myself from any spending on them, including most groceries (other than necessities). The last thing to go is their health insurance coverage (not as easy to just drop them from the plan). I found out this weekend BM told DH he is to cover their premiums because "he makes more money." WTH? She's really pushing back on this lately. 1) the CO states SHE is to cover them and 2) she has no idea what his job status is right now or how much he makes. In fact SHE makes just as much as I do (her salary / bonus is available as she's a public employee).
DH is scared to point her to the CO for fear of being taken back to court for adjustments. Our state is notoriously pro-BM. I think he'll just add them to his as he has agreed it's not fair that I'M covering it (even if he is paying me back) and neither parent is.
It's very frustrating.
We have incurred some debt in the last year and are working jointly to pay it off. We have a set monthly $ we each pay into it and are agreed on the plan and paying it off together.
Great comment! Everyone just needs to chill out. It's good for all of us. It's great to see how the two of you are working together to pay off the debt too.
I do see that you monitor the joint account "with a microscope." Is there a trust issue? And is he late often?
I get his fear. It's tough. I have been taken back to CO 4 different times in 10 years because the BM heard about changes in my lifestyle and new job. Unless the divorce decree or custody agreement states he needs to cover their premiums he needs to push back.
Yes, I watch the accounts closely because DH has a bad credit history, mostly due to his divorce.
He's loathe to correct some things but he's watching me pay things off, balance my accounts at the kitchen table a couple times a month and I never incur late fees.
He has been late paying things, refused to pay bills, doesn't think that a missed payment is any big deal and has used the joint account to pay for a couple personal items (oh, he paid that back for sure!). I told him before we were married that as a married couple I would be watching his financial methods closely because it effects me directly and I will not allow that. And what does he do? Doesn't get his share of the mortgage paid on time; luckily we were w/in the 'grace period' but we were still assessed a returned payment fee (which he will have to pay back) and the wrath of Cover.
Yeah, the BM has also made a comment recently referencing the fact that DH is part of a "couple" and has more income. OH, NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. DH and I discussed this at length; at first he didn't quite understand the ramifications, but now he does. I think that's where her refusal to cover the insurance premium comes from...but not my kids, not my responsibility. He's paying for 100% of their transportation costs too (they take public transit several times a week for exchanges and DH pays for all of their passes - which adds up quickly)...at least he's stopped purchasing clothing for them (he has 50/50 custody AND pays child support on top of it) telling her to take it out of the CS which it's for. He'll get things for them for use with us like PJs or underwear (w/in reason - underwear and socks are disappearing again, we think to BMs) but that may stop too if SDs don't stop taking it all to BMs.
All in all we don't have a problem communicating about much of anything. We're adults, we're responsible, he knows what I think and want and vice versa. Even if we disagree (like about upcoming Xmas) we can agree to listen to each other.
Ouch, the returned payment fee is ugly. He should consider himself fortunate to have you in his life.
It's amazing how the CO expects the husbands to cover so much and not hold the BM accountable for their actions. When the kids BM took me back each time I tried to use the same information your DH is struggling with to hold her accountable but they refused to discuss the issues. The bottom line, is that each blended family is different and there is no way to make a cookie cutter approach for CS.
Communication is the key to making this work. Even though my wife and I may not agree on a topic we agree to listen too.
DW and I have never struggled to pay the bills though we have accrued some significant debt a few times during our 22+yr marriage. My bride was the CP in our blended family life though the CS was never relevant to our household income. Initially she received $110/mo in CS for 2yrs, then $133/mo for 9 years, $786/mo for a year, then $385/mo for 6yrs. As our qualifications, careers, and joint income progressed CS never was more than a pittance in the relative scheme of our family income.
However, it was always a huge deal to the SpermIdiot/SpermClan regardless of what level CS was at. The SpermIdiot never paid a dime of it. SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandAsshole allways paid it for their POS waste of parental skin spawn.
DW and I have blended finances from day one. Everyting goes into joint checking/savings/investment accounts (except for our 401Ks and individial IRAs) so there has never been any drama over hers vs mine. In the past 6 years we have accomplished the goal of being debt free with the exception of our mortgage. The house is a performing asset and has been rented continuously since 2012 with positive cash flow. Maintaining that status is a critical goal for both of us.
So, what we have done we have done together.
I would say that this is the lowest stress way to go if a couple can manage it ... together.
That said... if something were to happen to either one of us the other would very likely not merge finances with a subsequent partner. We agree that we have worked too hard to jeopardize the financial future we have built together in a subsequent marriage/relationship. If either of us were to survive the other and have a subsequent partner (most likely that would be my DW who is 12yrs my junior)... that partner would pretty much have to sink or swim on their own ... within reason.
We are on the verge of filing
We are on the verge of filing for bankruptcy, that's our only option because my DH has and continues to make horrible financial decisions. He makes sure everyone else fine, except us. "We" had our own company that, in the beginning was ours, until I told him that the profits we made shouldn't be used to splurge on useless things for Skids. But, he didn't listen, he continued getting loans, making bad business decisions, and then the oil industry dried up, now we're living hand to mouth.
Oh wow, this isn't good to
Oh wow, this isn't good to hear. It's tough hear news like this. Granted the oil industry drying up isn't helping things. I can definitely tell neither of you are on the same page when it comes to finances. He's obviously making choices without talking and getting an agreement from you.
Have you talked to a financial advisor, credit counselor or an attorney about your struggles...especially someone who has a blended family?
hummm blended family does not
hummm blended family does not mean blended finances...
I always kept my financials separate from SO's, I will pay my share of house hold bills and not a dime more...
SO has nothing to do with my income or how I spend it and he hardly covers his share of house hold expenses, I do not care, if I want to entertain myself I do it...
Aergia wants something, SO will tell her, sorry kiddo there's not money for that, she will say then but Acra bought this or that, I smile and say and your point being....... I'm not your mother I owe you nothing, so go and ask your mother... (I give a flying duck how hurt her feefees get...)
Wow, why do you say that
Wow, why do you say that blended family does not mean blended finances....?
Obviously you don't trust him. Would you be able to manage his money too? It might make your life less hectic.
Have you looked to see if there is someone who could help you solve your problems financially?
It's got nothing to do with
It's got nothing to do with trust....bwhahahahaha financial problems... you wish....
I have no financial problems I am quite stable in that area thank you.
I earn my own money, SO earns his own money and we do not get involved in each others business, We are not together for financial reasons, we are together because we love each other... maybe you should try this and not hook up with some one because of their money
That's a $million question!
That's a $million question! Me and DH have totally different ideas about kids and money and I have to switch off and not think about it otherwise I would explode. We have a joint bank account for house and bills etc, but other than that our finances are completely separate.
We have three adult kids each (mine 27, 25 and 22 - his 28, 25 and 22). All of my kids work full-time and apart from my youngest (who still lives at home) have their own homes. DH's eldest and youngest sons only work part-time (out of choice), they all live at home still and his middle son works for DH (DH has his own business) and SS rarely gets out of bed before 10am every day and has already had 8 weeks holiday this year. DH gives all three of his sons $150 each pocket money every month - yes they are 28, 25 and 22!!!! :O :jawdrop:
Why do the two of you have
Why do the two of you have different ideas? Because you seem to be on the same page with the house and bills. Why not take it a step further? My wife and I have.
However, it's obvious your don't agree with him giving an allowance to the kids. I agree with you on this issue. They need to fend for themselves at this point. Enough is enough!
Got it. Does your plan work
Got it. Does your plan work pretty good...I mean does he put 1/2 in the joint to cover bills? Hopefully he does.
Sorry to hear you don't get any help. It's not good when a man doesn't step up to the plate and take care of his kids!
DH sucks with money so we
DH sucks with money so we tried a joint account (so I could babysit him) and it caused nothing but problems. Now he handles certain bills and I handle certain bills - what he does with the rest is on him. If I feel like being generous with the skids - I will, but I feel more in control of "my" money with separate accounts.
Joint accounts can be a
Joint accounts can be a problem. I know it didn't work because you thought you needed to babysit him. He's supposed to be your DH not a child. That doesn't mean he's not a fault because a lot of men are horrible with money. So is everything good now? What about doing something?
You are teaching your
You are teaching your daughter the right way. Keep it up! Sounds like your SO should learn a thing or two about saving.
I do have a thought about the fairness issue. Unless the two of you are engaged or married their is no fairness because neither of you has an obligation to either kid. However, there must be fairness if the two of you are committed as a family and the rest of the family including grandparents need to understand that.
In my 7 years of remarriage I have never gotten to the point that I've seen it all. There are too many people involved in my life with too many attitudes that can change at the blink of an eye. Be ready at all times. You and your SO need to be on the same page. I hope it works out for the two of you.
DH and I have a joint "house"
DH and I have a joint "house" account where anything to do with general household expenses are taken from. We each put in a specific amount each month. This does not include groceries; it's for utilities, mortgage, trash bill, and savings.
I monitor that account like I do my checking account - with a microscope. I don't hold back if DH is late putting his share in and make sure he does it.
Everything else is his or mine to spend.
I don't spend on the SDs - we are still working this out and I've been slowly extricating myself from any spending on them, including most groceries (other than necessities). The last thing to go is their health insurance coverage (not as easy to just drop them from the plan). I found out this weekend BM told DH he is to cover their premiums because "he makes more money." WTH? She's really pushing back on this lately. 1) the CO states SHE is to cover them and 2) she has no idea what his job status is right now or how much he makes. In fact SHE makes just as much as I do (her salary / bonus is available as she's a public employee).
DH is scared to point her to the CO for fear of being taken back to court for adjustments. Our state is notoriously pro-BM. I think he'll just add them to his as he has agreed it's not fair that I'M covering it (even if he is paying me back) and neither parent is.
It's very frustrating.
We have incurred some debt in the last year and are working jointly to pay it off. We have a set monthly $ we each pay into it and are agreed on the plan and paying it off together.
Great comment! Everyone just
Great comment! Everyone just needs to chill out. It's good for all of us. It's great to see how the two of you are working together to pay off the debt too.
I do see that you monitor the joint account "with a microscope." Is there a trust issue? And is he late often?
I get his fear. It's tough. I have been taken back to CO 4 different times in 10 years because the BM heard about changes in my lifestyle and new job. Unless the divorce decree or custody agreement states he needs to cover their premiums he needs to push back.
Most states are notoriously pro-BM. My state is.
Yes, I watch the accounts
Yes, I watch the accounts closely because DH has a bad credit history, mostly due to his divorce.
He's loathe to correct some things but he's watching me pay things off, balance my accounts at the kitchen table a couple times a month and I never incur late fees.
He has been late paying things, refused to pay bills, doesn't think that a missed payment is any big deal and has used the joint account to pay for a couple personal items (oh, he paid that back for sure!). I told him before we were married that as a married couple I would be watching his financial methods closely because it effects me directly and I will not allow that. And what does he do? Doesn't get his share of the mortgage paid on time; luckily we were w/in the 'grace period' but we were still assessed a returned payment fee (which he will have to pay back) and the wrath of Cover.
Yeah, the BM has also made a comment recently referencing the fact that DH is part of a "couple" and has more income. OH, NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. DH and I discussed this at length; at first he didn't quite understand the ramifications, but now he does. I think that's where her refusal to cover the insurance premium comes from...but not my kids, not my responsibility. He's paying for 100% of their transportation costs too (they take public transit several times a week for exchanges and DH pays for all of their passes - which adds up quickly)...at least he's stopped purchasing clothing for them (he has 50/50 custody AND pays child support on top of it) telling her to take it out of the CS which it's for. He'll get things for them for use with us like PJs or underwear (w/in reason - underwear and socks are disappearing again, we think to BMs) but that may stop too if SDs don't stop taking it all to BMs.
All in all we don't have a problem communicating about much of anything. We're adults, we're responsible, he knows what I think and want and vice versa. Even if we disagree (like about upcoming Xmas) we can agree to listen to each other.
Ouch, the returned payment
Ouch, the returned payment fee is ugly. He should consider himself fortunate to have you in his life.
It's amazing how the CO expects the husbands to cover so much and not hold the BM accountable for their actions. When the kids BM took me back each time I tried to use the same information your DH is struggling with to hold her accountable but they refused to discuss the issues. The bottom line, is that each blended family is different and there is no way to make a cookie cutter approach for CS.
Communication is the key to making this work. Even though my wife and I may not agree on a topic we agree to listen too.
DW and I have never struggled
DW and I have never struggled to pay the bills though we have accrued some significant debt a few times during our 22+yr marriage. My bride was the CP in our blended family life though the CS was never relevant to our household income. Initially she received $110/mo in CS for 2yrs, then $133/mo for 9 years, $786/mo for a year, then $385/mo for 6yrs. As our qualifications, careers, and joint income progressed CS never was more than a pittance in the relative scheme of our family income.
However, it was always a huge deal to the SpermIdiot/SpermClan regardless of what level CS was at. The SpermIdiot never paid a dime of it. SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandAsshole allways paid it for their POS waste of parental skin spawn.
DW and I have blended finances from day one. Everyting goes into joint checking/savings/investment accounts (except for our 401Ks and individial IRAs) so there has never been any drama over hers vs mine. In the past 6 years we have accomplished the goal of being debt free with the exception of our mortgage. The house is a performing asset and has been rented continuously since 2012 with positive cash flow. Maintaining that status is a critical goal for both of us.
So, what we have done we have done together.
I would say that this is the lowest stress way to go if a couple can manage it ... together.
That said... if something were to happen to either one of us the other would very likely not merge finances with a subsequent partner. We agree that we have worked too hard to jeopardize the financial future we have built together in a subsequent marriage/relationship. If either of us were to survive the other and have a subsequent partner (most likely that would be my DW who is 12yrs my junior)... that partner would pretty much have to sink or swim on their own ... within reason.