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This Bitch has crossed a boundary

Disillusioned's picture

So we are at H's eldest daughter's over the weekend for the dreaded B Day lunch. During lunch I hear H's sister talking to H about the upcoming B Day dinner for herself, YSD, and SSIL. She has the audacity to TELL not ask H that it should be held at our place (she says to him that "you" should be holding it this time DH, it's your turn)

Now first of all, H's sister knows damn well that the house is not H's house alone but OUR house. Since we both own it and both pay the mortgage that means any event H'sister dictates WILL be held in "his" home she is in fact dictating will be held in MY home. Grrrr!!!!

Secondly, H's sister also knows full well that if it's held in our home H mostly likely will do little more than throw the meat on the BBQ, everything else would be up to me and me alone for it to happen

Thirdly - and far more infuriating - is she says all of this directly to DH, completely ignoring me, like she always does. H immediately says Disillusioned you need to hear this etc.. etc...

So, already furious but working hard not to show it I turn my attention to what H's sister is saying. The bitch continues to completely ignore me and speak directly to H as she tells him it's "his" turn to hold the event and that it "will be held in the evening of such and such date"

Fuc*&^( Bit*&!

Her way of saying that she will dictate an event happening in my home because she has the power to do this and that she will completely ignore me and present in a clear message to me that she is talking to HER BROTHER about him hosting THEIR FAMILY EVENT in HIS home. As if it has nothing to do with me and she doesn't know fully well it is also in MY home and that she is in fact dictating that I will be cooking and cleaning up after her ungrateful bitch self in my own home which I would NEVER invite her to all said and done

Normally I address her stupid behaviour when she pulls her usual crap - like when I walked in the door on the weekend to this whole catty event and H's sister doesn't so much as say hello when she sees me so fine, I do the same and ignore her - BUT dictating, and not to me directly, that I will host an event for her in my home - well that is quite another

Disappointed in myself for not speaking up and saying directly to her "I'm sorry H's sister, I wouldn't bother telling your brother he is hosting any event in OUR home. Since this is OUR home you are referring to and your brother as you are well aware would be hosting nothing without me doing everything - if you are REQUESTING that "I" host something I suggest you speak directly to me about what it is you would like ME to host in MY home.

And I would add that in future, please do not be so disrespectful to dictate that anything is held in MY home, without my permission

Yes I am absolutely furious

SMof2Girls's picture

Is your DH going along with this? It seems to me that the power rests with him. He can say no. The question is .. did he?

People can be pretentious and smug, and in-laws can be intolerable .. but it all comes down to how your DH handles them. If he stands up to them and defends you, none of this should really fall to you to deal with.

If I were you, I'd stop attending these things. It doesn't sound like you enjoy it at all.

Harleygurl's picture


If DH agrees then by all means, have it at your house. But you personally shouldn't do anything, and I mean anything, to help with this event. Don't clean, cook, etc. They will have nobody to blame but DH if it turns out not quite as they expected. As for yourself, go treat yourself to a spa day, movie, etc. Something you really enjoy!

Disillusioned's picture

Dh's way of handling it SMof2Girls is to say "listen up Disillusioned" so I can hear what his sister is telling him he will do (knowing full well she is dictating to me)

I asked H after we left there did he not think it was completely disrespectful of his sister to not only TELL him about the event she wants held in OUR home, but most rude of all was that she did not say one word of it to me, even when he attempted to make it clear she should

H defends her of course by saying "well she didn't really think about that"

I ignored his comment and continued that since she knows it is MY home as well and "I" will be doing everything, she really should have asked MY permission and spoke directly with me about it

DH agreed with me there

Sorry SMof2Girls but I agree with fightincrazytrain I need to deal with this bitch directly AND I'm going to insist dh follow up with TELLING her that in future, any events SHE decides will be held in our home that I am the person she must speak with and ask permission of

Fu(* that bitch has some nerve

SMof2Girls's picture

No need to apologize to me; it was just my opinion.

If my DH ever allowed something like this to happen to me, HE would be the one paying the consequence, not the offending party. He was part of the conversation where his sister blatantly disrespected you and he did nothing about it. That's the problem for me; not whatever his lunatic sister says/does (you clearly don't like her anyway and I don't think that started in this situation).

I don't entertain petty drama and certainly don't allow myself to be used like a pawn. People like that aren't worth my time and aren't welcome in my home. DH knows, respects, and agrees with that.

I just wonder .. if you actually end up hosting this event, and doing the work, how seriously will anyone take your threat of "next time I won't"?

Disillusioned's picture

No notasm, I'm not scurrying out of MY home because H's asshole sister is inviting herself over for something. Not a chance. As it is YSD's and SSIL's B Day dinner as well - both of whom I really like and I'm happy to do this for - after H reams his stupid sister out for doing this then I will host a nice dinner with all YSD's and SSIL's favorites food and H can buy, cook and look after whatever his dumbass sister wants all on his own

Disneyfan's picture

So you're going to allow their little party to take place in your home?????

Disillusioned's picture

I'm going to speak with H's sister Disneyfan and tell her that while I have no issue doing something nice for YSD and SSIL's birthday dinners in my home, I WILL NOT have anyone tell my husband behind my back what he will make sure happens in OUR home. I'll be telling H's sister that she has crossed a huge boundary and nothing will be happening in this home that she would like without her ASKING ME DIRECTLY in future

Then H can follow up and add his two cents to it with her

Then, I will think about it. If it were just for H's sister it would not be happening at all. But because it's for YSD and SSIL aa well, both who are absolutely great, I'll think about it

SMof2Girls's picture

I can only assume there is some other underlying drama going on here.

When my siblings and I rotate hosting holidays, I don't ask my sister's husband directly for permission to make plans at her home; nor do I ask my brother's wife. I assume that, as a married couple, they communicate about things like that.

I also refer to my sister's house as "my sister's house". I know that her and her husband are both on the mortgage and that they both live there and technically it's "their" house. It just seems like perfectly normal (and generally acceptable); unless of course there's some other issue at play.

Disillusioned's picture

I know what you're saying Echo. I am angry at my husband. BUT I'm also furious at anyone who would be so disrespectful like H's sister was. I just can't believe the obnoxious nerve of some people :?

With that said, this is why I try to remain as disengaged from her as I can. Normally I ignore (but chuckle to myself) at all her stupid infantile nonsense, but this time yes I'm really struggling to stop myself from picking up the phone and telling her to go to hell (I've already pretty much told my husband that)

misSTEP's picture

I'd tell my DH that since he allows people to dictate WHAT and WHERE he will do things, I will also tell him what to do!

"You will be having your family reunion or whatever the hell your sister was talking about at X Hotel and NOT you'd better get on the horn and reserve a space!"

ocs's picture

I feel your pain OP, and I agree with many of the above posters.

Your DH is letting it happen and YES- his sister is a bully. My SIL is kind of like that too. DH has one sister and she is a very social A type personality. She was totally the Alpha in his family before I came along.

Before me, DH was only too happy for her to plan and 'produce and direct' every occasion. He just showed when she snapped her fingers. (AND! she's super last minute- made me nuts)

Once i figured her out, I put my foot down. There was no actual discussion about things, I just said, "no" to everything and made plans that suited our schedule.

It took a few months, but now DH's response to everything is, "I'll check our calendar."

In my case, however, I really like my SIL... We are just both alpha. Smile

Oldmom's picture

If it was me I would have a party for YSD and SIL on a different day and opps forget to invite her.

onthefence2's picture

This is an adult female who is still celebrating her birthday every year? I find that weird in itself. My kids and I have cake for my bday and that's about it. I get phone calls from family, but I can't even remember the last time any of us siblings celebrated our birthdays.

Disillusioned's picture

Hi onthefence2, yes, this is the way it is with DH's family. It's a really big deal. And DH's sister likes to dictate all of the birthday get together details because exactly as dtzyblnd describes, DH's sister needs to be #1 and especially to let me know THEY are family and I am not

What a stupid thing to be power tripping about

But then I think, yes, they are all YOUR family so why do you feel the need to compete with me and constantly try to insure I know 'my place'?

Jealous and insecure, that's why!

SMof2Girls's picture

Seems like she brings out these very traits in you as well. I noticed in your OP how you started describing your home as "OUR" home (meaning you and DH), but by the end you're clearly referring to it as "MY" home.

If I were you, I'd be disengaging from that whole mess and letting DH handle the entire thing.

Toni49's picture

Hey Dis..., this sounds all too familiar. I once didn't invite my husband's mother to a party because she was being a douchebag and the skids got all up in arms like they had some say in who came to our house. WTF? Seriously. Of course, they didn't bring anything to the party or clean up afterward so clearly it was our party, not theirs. I would just refuse to have the get together on that date, or have it entirely. Look at it this way, they already hate you - - so what's the difference? Take your husband out to dinner or have a small gathering of friends over that night instead. Live your life for you and him. I know that's a tough thing to do, but you'll have a much better time celebrating on your own terms.

Disillusioned's picture

Not really SMof2Girls...I have far too much disdain for her and definitely not jealous LOL! I will continue to refer to it as MY house where she is concerned because that's what it is - not hers to dictate a party being held in my home with me as the host. Sheesh!

Kristin1979's picture

I would have had NO PROBLEM (if I over heard that convo as it was happening) I would have leaned in and said "So wait what are you discussing over here?" I have NO PROBLEM with being flat out aggressive in dominating a conversation that should have included me to begin with. LOL I actually enjoy it because I do it with a smile and make myself very clear that it is also MY house! That shit is just thoughtless and disrespectful and passive aggressive too... Usually women push the men around because most men want to avoid any further confrontation so they just pounce on them, strong arming scenarios so they can get their way with things.

LOL My new family (Husbands family) has learned this about me Wink They also know that you don't just push your way around people to get what you want. You have to demand respect from people and expect nothing less, specifically when it is deserved! So far... The message has clearly been received! Biggrin They haven't behaved like that again ever since... Wink