Birth moms step child auto accident causing a death
Trying to keep this as short as possible.
DH has two children, SS13 and SS15.
BM and DH get along fairly well, and DH is pretty much able to see the kids whenever he chooses as long as we provid transport. Children and BM live in Virginia, DH (and I) live in South Carolina.
Their divorce/child custody agreement and so forth was all done and is still held here in South Carolina, nothing has ever been transferred to Virginia.
BM and DH get along fairly well at that.
Unfortunately BM and her husband are functioning alcoholics. With that being said there are negative rules at BMs house as long as no one interferes with their “drinking time” sadly addiction runs heavily in BMs family, this summer alone she buried both her brother and cousin (both under 30) due to deaths caused by heroine overdoses.
On top of my step sons their step father also has custody of his 17 year old daughter, she chooses to live their over her mothers home right down the road (due to lack of rules I’m assuming) anyhow unfortunately early this morning around 3 am his 17 year old daughter was driving a vechile, while intoxicated with three male passengers in the car, one of those male passengers was thrown from the vehicle and died on impact, BM and stepdad realized she was not home around 11 this morning and eventually the child answered her phone to let them know what had happened and was shortly after arrested.
This is the very last straw my husband has, it is very clear that there is absolutely no one watching these children if a 17 year old was able to be missing for many hours (on top of booze cruising around town) and st this point we worry for the safety of his children. It just seems like these drug/alcohol related accidents are getting closer and closer to them by the minute and we don’t want to wait for another call.
There are a few problems though one being that outside of my husbands witnessing her behavior (which was not proof to get custody the first time around) and his 13 year olds statements we really have no proof of her alcoholism. We are contemplating going in the morning to file emergency custody papers and hoping for the best but we are in fear that with no proof, it will just be denied (and this of course will cause a catastrophic disaster as far as their getting along with parenting) while SS13 will speak honestly of his mother and would much prefer to live here SS15 will not. He would give almost anything in the world to not be here as he enjoys not having rules (he’s also failed the last 5 grades, has had summer school every year and so forth due to the lack of any adult supervision) so we are unsure if they’re even given the opportunity to talk to someone that their stories wouldn’t wash one another out. The finalist icing being, my husband was convicted of a low level felony last year, it is not a crime against children, involving drugs/alcohol or so forth, nor is it deemed a crime of “moral turpitude” this conviction resulted in no jail time, a minor fine and is currently in the very long process of being appealed.
Would we just be throwing money in the wind? We have tried for custody both based off the knowledge of her problem and SS15 school performance/lack of supervision and nothing was done (these being before conviction) and we don’t want to just throw money into the wind nor do we want to cause a atomic bomb to be set off with BM with no change but with the continuous events we are obviously very concerned for their safety considering this is just yet another a prime example of parentis not parenting which resulted in the death of another child.
I don’t even know what that’s
I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean?
You should speak with and
You should speak with and possibly retain a private investigator to gather evidence. Depending on state laws, not only can they obtain video/photographic evidence of frequent intoxication (restaurants, etc) , but trash pulls documenting the amount of alcohol containers thrown out.
Of course prior to that, you should speak with a family law attorney regarding the chance of winning custody. If you decide to give it a go, have the attorney hire the private investigator so it is client protected.
(I worked at a private investigative firm for many years.)
I'm not sure if "only" drinking will be enough... but there is the child consistently doing poorly in school as well...maybe more?
While a good idea I doubt a
While a good idea I doubt a private investigator would help any. They live in a super small town of like... maybe 2000 people and since they’re very secluded on about 100 acres of property and since they use their barn as a nightclub it wouldn’t be something a stranger would have access too.
These kids were living with BM
All there life. You think at 13, 15 and 17 yo. You are going to change there life around ? They will fight you all the way. They have no rules now, you think you are going to make them follow your rules ? You want to wast your money for along court fight. The 17 yo will be age out, the 15 yo will be 17 when court is finish.
Let DH donwhat he wants, but must understand he is going to pphave to parent them. And not turn your home upside down
Agree with this post
These kids at that age being forced to live with you when already outta control is sure fire guaranteed way your relationship and marriage will break down. Even skids not this outta control have such significant issues with their parents and your spouse that the marriage surely will break down
Will the Courts side with a
Will the Courts side with a convicted felon father or a drunk and addicted BM with a drunk and addicted husband and a vehicular homicadal SD?
Tough call.
Not worth the money to find out IMHO. Even if your DH can get custody will these kids comply with house rules or even stick around? My guess it they will run back to BM.
Good luck.
If BM and your husband get on
If BM and your husband get on then the best bet may be for them to work out an agreement that the children move in with you two. If the children want it (though be careful not to set them up against their mother) and your husband can find a way to phrase it to appeal to his ex then perhaps a change of custody could be arranged.
By all means talk to a lawyer too, but if it is possible reaching an agreement together will be quicker, simpler, cheaper and will leave everyone happier.
Yes, there is a good chance
Yes, there is a good chance that you are throwing money to the wind.
The fact that a 17-year-old got drunk and crashed her car is not proof that they aren't watching the younger kids (especially since the 17 yo lives with her mother, not with them, so they weren't even the ones who were supposed to be responsible for her).
Unless you have a lot of evidence, you won't win, even if the kid says he wants to live with you. I'd see if BM will agree to let SS13 come live there at least. Her just being alcoholic won't make her lose custody.
I was also thinking that this
I was also thinking that this 17 yo wouldn't be the first teen to sneak out.. be drinking.. and driving and get in an accident. Shoot, I was out of my house many times when I was in my teens without my parent's knowledge (not driving though)..
I think that it will be a tough row to how unless your stepkids are interested in making a switch. I kind of doubt that due to their ages. Unfortunately.. it likely will be an expensive exercise in futility. Your DH needs to just do his best to be an active daily presence in his kid's lives. My DH would contact his kids daily.. phone calls.. texts.. Not in a monopolizing way... but just a quick pulse taking on the days he wasn't with them. He still does that with his younger 21 year old daughter..
Don’t go near this.
Given the kids ages, I wouldn’t touch this with a barge pole. The last thing you want (and I speak from experience) is these ingrates landing on your doorstep and becoming your problem.
Be thankful that they aren’t
Be thankful that they aren’t your problem. Let them live with BM. They will age out on 4.5 years so any custody battle will be a waste of time and money.. 4.5 years time will fly by and before you know it they will be 18. You will have no influence on them if you have them come live with you right now.
We dealt with an addict BM
We dealt with an addict BM for years and unfortunately the courts never cared because nothing had ever happened where the kids were hurt in her care. Now if one of the kids would have picked up her drugs and overdosed or if she would have driven them high and killed them, then maybe the courts would care. In my experience, no one cares until something MAJOR that puts the kids in danger/hurts them happens. It's an awful system. This is why I was so afraid to leave my DH when he became an addict - I was afraid the courts wouldn't care and he would still get his 50/50 (we haven't gone through custody process yet so I can't say what the outcome will be). As others have said, the kids in your case are older and will be able to decide where they want to live soon. I know it sucks to watch but I don't think there's much else you can do. I wouldn't put ANY of my personal money into it - if DH wants to go forward, make him pay for it.
OMG----A death occurred this
OMG----A death occurred this morning and your on here? The poor deceased family...Why was bms step kid out at that hour anyway.
It is unlikely a court will say OK, time to switch custody. UNLESS you can get a lawyer to plead to the court THESE current circumstances death by drunk teenager---deserves the swift attention of the court.
IE: dh's chillll-dreeeennnn should not be involved by proxy or otherwise in what will be a long and painful road ahead in court.
OP there is no such thing as--functioning drunk. May I suggest stop calling them that. Their are drunks,,,period. DH has a good reason to be worried. All the way around this is just awful awful awful...very sad. RIP to the kid who died.
Again dh's kids do not need to be in bm's home during all this mess. PLUS the community skids live in will not respond well to bm's hubbys kid either so you have double problems. PLUS they will have tons of legal fee's and restitution for the family who died. This is awful.
GoodLuck what a mess....