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Bio parents wasting money

newwtostepguy's picture

Anyone ever notice that bio parents waste money yet continue to have money problems? My gf has a lot of debt and is always saying how she wants me to move in because things would be easier (for her) financially if I do. She lives paycheck to paycheck yet makes a good salary and gets child support. But anyone notice how much bio parents waste money? For example she goes out to eat with her kids fairly often to a breakfast place that is not cheap near where she lives. It's usually about 30 bucks if it's just the two of us for breakfast only. If it's the kids it's over 40 dollars. Also her kids play with food when we cook at home. She bought steaks the other night only to see much of it to be wasted when her son was playing with a jar of sauce and poured tons of sauce all over his food. Not only was the jar of sauce gone(5 dollars) but there was no more steak for leftovers because we had to give them to him because he ruined his first plate. I've also noticed they go through endless amounts of paper towels and toilet paper from her kids just being wasteful with it in general and using way too much, playing with it, leaving it on the floor, etc. They also waste a lot of bodywash by kids just pouring way too much out and it goes down the drain. They go through a bottle every couple of days. You think someone with money problems would care about this stuff or is it just me? It seems wasteful and careless. Anyone else experience this?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It is wasteful and careless. It also illustrates what a poor parent your gf is. No wonder she wants you (and your income) to move in. Good thing you're too smart for that.

Maxwell09's picture

They tend to hold on to the comfort that they’ll be getting that monthly child support so they’ll make it just fine. BM recently threatened Babydaddy with court because he wouldn’t agree to pay for Spawn’s preschool tuition. He told her that is what he gave her child support money for and she raged. Then proceeded to take a weeks vacation to the beach with both my SS and Spawn and take them to the waterpark, shopping, and post about their new atv and all it’s fixings. For someone who needs money, she always manages to find it when she wants to treat herself. It’s the nature of the beast. 

hereiam's picture

Look, you have reservations about this relationship, for several reasons (according to your past posts). It might be time to move on and find somebody more suited you you, your life, and your goals. This woman is not for you.

Maria10's picture

Both BMs live paycheck to paycheck, Ccards maxed not able to buy anything worthwhile( think car, house, schooling). Im the meantime:

BM2: goes to the hairsalon, eats fast food everynight, goes to the bar with friends, takes a trip out of town at least once per month.

Sends ss6 over in dirty clothes and handmedowns, continually takes advantage of DMIL( my hubs' mom) to buy clothes and toys fror Ss and for free childcare. Takes advantage of SF2( her husband) for free childcare and bill paying and only works up to 32hrs per week(she has been working like this for at least 16 years..mhmmm 2 kids 16 ys of pt work)

BM1: she wins the contest. All her money goes for booze and fast food many weeks she falls short on food. For 9 months sje had a fulltime job but she quit that when Sf1 married her. Did i tell you she has 3 kids/3 dif fathers. 2 pay cs+ one( The Fool) married her. Now she only works up to 20 hrs per week and continues to complain about money.

She doesent buy or clean clothes. Ss12 and her bioson are under the impression that clothes. Fit when they are tight, stained and too short.( been told this by ss12 several times). They are also under the impression that Ss12 is supposed to parent( feed clothe, teach to swim bioson + new baby). Continuously calls DH for handouts and relies on DMIL to bring food over to her house and buy ALL the necessities for both SS12 AND bioson(her son by babydaddy2 who is a deadbeat). Relies on SF1 for other bills and things. Pays her father for daycare and he does not feed his grandkids. They applied for house loan and got denied. Sf1 turned right around and got a brand new car loan. Kudos SF for getting something for just you!

Oh and let us not forget D(isney) MIL the original template( an extreme case that is very hard to ignore)

Lived paycheck to paycheck tho makes more than 100K per year. Huge hoarder. Shopping addiction. Always looking to borrow money from DH for necessities after spending her money on frivolities. Never cleans up or pays for anything other than aestetic fixes for her house. Filed bankruptcy twice. Sued DH biodad for MORE $$ in child support 1.5 years after he DIED.(was denied of course bc he was dead. ). She took this denial in court as a sign that hes a deadbeat and continues to use that to tell ppl what a deadbeat he was.( from evidence presented here who do you think the deadbeat was? Hint: not DHs dad.)

If I were you I would heed the red flags presented by your gf and find a more suitable partner. If not prepare to be annoyed/resentful at any and everything gf does bc you are funding it. Put yourself in the shoes of the SFs in each scenario and ask yourself how you feel.

 

 

elkclan's picture

Some of the waste is a bit inevitable. Sometimes kids dump stuff out. You do need more paper towels when you have kids around. It happens sometimes that things get broken, spilled, etc etc.

However - that being said - living paycheck to paycheck eating out in fancy places, buying stuff you don't need - that's personality not whether you have kids or not. 

I can't even date anyone who is not incredibly frugal more than a couple of times, never mind live with them or marry them. They probably won't change - anyway you can't change them yourself.  My SO and I have similar attitudes to money, I don't think we'd be as happy as we are if we didn't. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Some people are just not good with money. It’s nothing to do with being bio parent. If being financuly  savvy is important for you then she is wrong partner for you 

icanteven's picture

I agree with those who said some people have this personality if they have kids or they do not. My ex-husband is this way. He had no kids when we met, and it seemed although he made more money than I did then, he never had money. He told me his ex-wife (not me, the one before me) acquired many debts while he was working abroad, and this is why he had no money. I believed him because I was only 20 years old then and I had not known someone who was very bad with money yet. My family is all very good with money. I thought he only needed some help and everything would be ok when he finished paying the debts he told me his ex-wife had made. I even asked him if he wanted to meet my aunt who works in financial sector to find investments to help save more money and pay off debt faster. He did not want this but I thought maybe it is not for everyone, and I did not judge.

Skipping past our marriage and many years of hardship made by him spending money on things we did not need, I divorced him mostly because of these money problems. Before that, I tried many things to improve our life. I worked hard to find the best price for all things we needed. I only need my bicycle and bus/train pass, not a car (he always said he needed a large car. This was expensive.) I grew many vegetable plants on our patio, and this saved some money on food. My kids and I wore only second hand clothes. When I returned to work, I made more money than he did, and still, we always struggled. One day, my mother visited, and she said to me, "Look at you, living like a vagrant when he is like a king. You cannot allow this forever." I found this comment annoying, but later, I thought more about this, and she was right. If I saved some money on one thing, he spent it on something for himself. If I talked to him about it, he said he agreed, but did the same thing the next day. He never changed. This is why I left. My ex-husband is a nice person. He loves his kids. He is, in many ways, a good father. He still visit my parents to see if they need help with anything even though I divorced him five years ago. He is nice, but I could not live a life with someone who behaved this way with money.

If I stayed with him, my children would not grow up in a home we own. They would move from flat to flat, renting always, never stable. I could not give them money to help them at university. Retirement would be poor. I would never travel. My children would travel only as adults or with my relatives. This was not a life I could live, and it was not a life I wanted for my children, so I divorced this very nice man, and things are much better.

My point is, please do not join your life with a person who does not know how to manage money if they are not trying to learn. If a person is bad with money, and they know they are, and they are taking a class or using a financial planner because they are trying to improve, that is different. A person who thinks they are ok wasting money, or that their spending is not wasteful even though it is, will not change. This is not because they are a parent. I am a parent, with a home, and an investment account, and retirement savings, and good credit. Many parents are. Those who are bad with money have the personality to be bad with money, and it is rather unfortunate that children are exposed to it. Anyone who sees these red flags should take precautions for themselves and do not become trapped in such a situation with this type of person.

TrueNorth77's picture

My SO and I make pretty good money, but we don't have much money put aside, yet he still likes to waste also. He keeps going into SS12's room at 10:30pm before he leaves for work and will turn on the A/C. SS's room is downstairs where it's cool, and it's 57 degrees outside at night lately!! WHY does SS need A/C on?? Just turn his damn ceiling fan on! I go in every morning when I wake up and shut it back off. Apparently we just have money to burn. If something is being wrecked he will say "who cares, we'll just buy another one". If we take skids to an arcade he will blow over $100 on those stupid games (like every 8 weeks), which is ridiciulous to me. Or pay $15 to let SS rent a kayak he uses for 10 mins. He will never yell at them when they leave the cereal, chips, crackers, cookies, (every package in the cabinet) open to get stale and inedible, constantly. So it gets wasted. I'm a little more frugal than that, and would like to buy a house sometime. Little expenses add up. It drives me crazy.  

Rags's picture

The things you are mentioning are not the problem.  Your SO's rampant spending is the problem.  Yes, eating out can be spendy, so can household consumables. But, even completely eliminating those things will not even make a dent in your SO's issues.

However, fixing some of it will reduce your own stress a bit.

Body wash is an easy one to fix.  Just don't buy it. Buy bars of soap.  Nothing gets wasted.

Paper towels are another easy one. Quit buying them.  Make the kids use kitchen towels.

Sauce spills.  Also easy.  Don't allow kids to pour their own.  Pour it for them.

There is only one way I would move in with her if I were you. She must turn over 100% of her income to you for you to manage and YOU will determine her allowance and give it to her in cash.  And not one penny more. She gets no credit cards and zero access to joint family income or accounts.  She gets only her allowance.

My brother has done this with his wife for decades. She is the type who thinks if she has checks she had money or if she has a plastic card in her wallet she can buy whatever she wants whenever she wants. So, she gets her allowance, half in cash, half on a preloaded debit card that will not allow anything more than the remaining balance on the card. My brother loads it monthly.  This also allows him to get her money for emergencies if she is traveling.  The reason why they are loaded is because he cut her off from access to all resources except those he gives her access to.

My ILs are instant gratification people. They are always on the ragged edge of destitute poverty.  We have offered to help which they would love, though only if we just hand them tons of cash that they can do what they want with.  SO, my CPA bride went CPA on their asses and she and I (both of us have an MBA) gave them the format we would provide them with help using.  First, they would immediately have all of their pay direct deposited into an account that was only in my DW's name and that they would be the beneficiary of in the event of her demise.  The two of us would then buy a home for them to live in. We would own the home, they would live there rent free. My DW would make the "mortgage" payment out of their payroll dollars.  The "mortgage" payment would go to us until we were completely repaid for our costs for the home they would inhabit.  Once fully paid off, we would put them on the deed of the home which would be held in trust for them under the control of my wife.  My DW would directly pay their utility bills out of their income, have comprehensive doctor approved dietary plan food delivered weekly, and invest a fixed amount for their retirement. Out of what would be left each month she would provide them with a monthly allowance for their discretionary spending.

They were all butt offended by our offer and went on to multiple home/farm foreclosures, multiple vehicle and equipment repossessions, and multiple bankruptcies.  Ultimately they did go with our model though not using our resources as their mortgage company, bought a much more expensive home than we would have bought for them, and engaged an investment advisor/resource manager to do what their CPA daughter would have done for free. My DW found the advisor/resource manager for her aunt and my MIL asked to go along for a meeting with him.  So, now all of their pay goes into their investor accounts, their advisor/resource manager pays all of their bills directly, and cuts my MIL (FIL passed 2 years ago) an extremely small allowance check every month.  If they had accepted our offer when we made it, they would own their home outright instead of owing 25 more years on a mortgage, they would be debt free, and would have 10X in investments above what they have now.

But.. we are extremely relieved that they finally gained clarity that they have no business having any choice on how their income is utilized. And though she broke down in sobs during the first meeting with the advisor when he told her she could not retire until she is in her late 70s, MIL has stayed the course in being responsible rather than taking her pay checks to the casino to win her retirement like she did for decades.  After "retiring" from the State 35 years ago and blowing her retirement in three years flat, and working very low paying administrative jobs since, she has landed another State job so she can actually work into her late 70s as directed by the advisor.  SpermLand State jobs are pretty much lifetime employment and she cannot be terminated except for cause which takes pretty much an act of Congress to make happen. She works at the Capital building and sees most of the department directors and legislators just about every day. 

In our marriage, both my DW and I are extremely conservative in our spending, we both have very lucrative careers, usually any way, and we maximize our savings.  I have been between roles for 18mos and have been doing some small scalre intermittent consulting work so my income is a fraction of what it usually is.  DW is kicking butt.  We have always scaled our housing, cars, and life style so we can live on one income.  So, we are fine even with the absence of my usual income and the whole Covid crisis.

When a responsible person chooses a completely irresponsible mate, the responsible person has to take control in order to prevent the financial destruction that comes with the choice of an irresponsible mate.  If you can't take that control, don't waste your time on the irresponsible person beyond them being just a friend with benefits.

IMHO of course.