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Bio Mom keeping kid from visiting again!

1wonder woman's picture

So sorry this is so long but I gotta vent again... grrrr... the baby momma drama has began it never fails every Wednesday it starts! Bio Mom text messaged my boyfriend while he is at work once again just going off on him and upsetting him.. She said their little girl is adamant about not coming this Friday to visit her father she said her kid is already in tears and is a emotional mess and is so sick to her stomach and she is not going to force her kid to come and visit her Dad this Friday... she also said "your girlfriend is to blame for our daughter being in tears... she has brainwashed our kid into thinking she is having separation anxiety this is why she is always crying and feeling sick because it's in her head it's not real"...  Bio Mom even said "I am very worried about what you guys are doing to my daughter in your house to make her not want to come there"? OMG! Are you serious? This is why I will make sure we are never alone with this kid ever again if I must I will record our visits with her!  Bio Mom is so worried... but never takes the kid to be seen by a doctor or a therapist?  We are nothing but good to this kid and trust me I have not brainwashed this kid... I barely see the kid! Bio mom sees her the most and has the biggest influence over this kids mind! NOT ME OR HER FATHER!

He is suppose to have his 10 year old daughter Friday and he usually picks her up from school and she spends the night and he drops her off at noon the next day. Well it has been a month now since he has seen his kid because Bio Mom is using his daughters tears and emotional state of mind as a reason to keep her from visiting her Dad. In July Bio Mom took two one week vacations that were one week apart from one another and she left the 10 year old behind and her 19 year daughter took care of her one week and mind you she has a fulltime job so the kid stayed home all week by herself... the other week she stayed with her 22 year old brother that lives on campus 4 hours away with four other guys that are in their 20's and he too has a fulltime job. We had no idea her mother was even out of the state... no communication what so ever from her. The kid calls her dad up in tears during Bio Moms last vacation begging him to come and get her saying that she has been sick all week and she told her Dad her mom was out of the state... When I picked her up she was so sick looking... distraught... nervous...anxious and he hair had not been brushed in days.. she kept looking at her phone constantly panicking every time her mom did not text her back fast enough..she would not do her normal fun things....  she did not eat anything and barely drank anything those three days that we had her. Well one week went by the kid did not come to visit her Dad and Bio Mom never took the kid to see the doctor either... the following week she came to visit again once we placed food in front of her she'd become sick crying an emotional mess fear came over her when she would look at her food and BAM she started making up excuses why she could not eat asking us if we have laxatives or stool softness... her mom tells her she is constipated.  Now the kid thinks she is constipated all the time... she is so skinny always worrying that she will get fat.. we think she might have a eating disorder and maybe separation anxiety too. NOW MIND YOU WE HAVE NEVER SAID SHE HAS A EATING DISORDER NOT IN FRONT OF HIS KID! Heck we have not even told Bio Mom either because my boyfriend refuses to communicate with his ex wife.The strange thing is the kid tells us she is not like this with her mom... but her Mom is skinny and is a health nut. The kid is always having panic attacks too if her cell phone goes dead she flips out saying her mom will be mad at her! ..

Now Bio mom is twisting and turning everything around saying her kid is sick to her stomach and in tears because I have brain washed the kid into thinking she is having separation anxiety...WHY HAS THE MOM NOT TAKEN HER TO SEE A DOCTOR YET WE ARE GOING ON TWO MONTHS NOW? Bio mom and Dad ignore each others text messages to hurt one another...  Bio Mom will text him every week now blaming me for the kids tears... instead of blaming herself for leaving her kid for weeks at a time alone taking care of herself... who in the World would leave their kids with a bunch of college students? I have been nothing but good to his kid!  I know Bio Mom wants nothing more for Bio Dad to pick up his kid without me she is so jealous of the bond that me and her daughter have she sees it! She hates sharing her kids with their own father let alone me! Bio Mom is Narcissistic and she is a control freak and a manipulator... she has already turned the two older kids that are 19 and 22 against their father...  they disowned him right after he started dating me... they have not been with me not once.  I think my boyfriend needs to make up his mind and do something about this NOW... either back out of this kids life or fight for his rights to see her and most of all get his kid some HELP!

I just think it's odd that just three months ago the kid opened up to me telling that her Mom told her here soon she will no longer be visiting her Dad at all... she said I will have the choice to say no and not come.  I was shocked I said what? Why would your Mom tell you such a thing?  I told her why would you do this to your Dad this will break his heart she said I have a family and a home that is where I belong not here. I said but this is your second home and your Dad is your family too.... THIS MOM HAS MANIPULATED THIS KID! THIS IS CALLED PARENT ALIENATION AT IT'S BEST!  WHAT MOTHER WOULD BREAK A BOND BETWEEN IT'S  CHILD AND IT'S FATHER BEATS ME? A SICK MOM THAT IS NARCISSISTIC WOULD!! I am trying to disengage it is so hard... I wanna move so afr away from here!! God help me!

Outonalimb68's picture

Dang, WonderWoman, that is a mess. I'm sorry you're dealing with that, and I feel bad for everyone involved. You are tough as hell to keep hanging in there.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Out and let dad handle it. Why hasn't dad taken his daughter to the doctor when she has been with him?

This sounds like a situation where you are over involved and the parents are negligent.

For your on peace of minr, you should not become involved in any level and you should let the dad handle all child care issues.

1wonder woman's picture

Bio Dad got to see the kid in June one day... in July he got to see the kid one day and the kid told her dad mom is taking me to the doctors... that never happened.  Then come August he has not seen his kid now in four weeks... How can he take her to see a doctor when bio mom has the kid and is refuses to let her come be with her Dad?  I have stayed out of it I have not texted or called bio mom... but my name is thrown around in everyone of her text messages blaming me for the emotional mess her kid is in when I never see the kid anymore. The kid is being influenced alright by her mother she spends the most time with her not me not her dad!.... The problem is the bio parents refuse to communicate... she ignores his text messages and he ignores her text messages... she uses the cell phone as a weapon to cut him down and to hurt him.  SHE KNOWS KEEPING HIS KID FROM HIM WILL HURT HIM SHE IS DOING THIS ON PURPOSE! IT IS CALLED PARENT ALIENATION AT IT'S BEST! The kid just told me a couple of months ago she will soon not be coming to see her dad anymore... her mom told her soon she will get to stop visiting him all t together just like her two older siblings do not see him.  I told the kid that will break your dads heart she said I have a family and a home and I will be with them.... I told her your dad is your family too this is your home too... she said my mom said it is up to me just like it is up to my brother and sister I told her they are adults you are a kid... I told her your father was in their lives until they were 18 years old... BIG DIFFERENCE... she said well soon I will not be coming here and dad will have to except it! NOW LOOK AT WHAT IS HAPPENING!! The kid is doing exactly what she said would happen...NOT COMING!

Sorry I just can't stay out of it... I see a very sick kid that needs help and I can't just look the other way! Let Dad and Mom handle it?  They could not fix their marriage what makes you think they can fix their kid? These two people work way to much and their kids have had to pay a mighty price for their divorce... I know how it feels I survived my own parents nasty divorce and now I am witnessing a little girl be taken from her father from her Narcissistic mother.Now the kid is either sick and needs help or this is all an act to use as an excuse to stay home with her mother... now which is it?

Notup4it's picture

But think about it..,,. What can you do exactly?!? This is not your kid, and because of that fact you have very little you are able to do.

You can talk to child protective sertvices and see if that goes anywhere. But be prepared for a huge fallout if it doesn’t. If they don’t agree that the child is in legitimate danger you are going to get an even larger fallout from the Mom and the kid and probably your boyfriend as well.

He can try to fight it in court, but be prepared to spend over a 100k and possibly get no where with it and end up with the situation even worse.

You can try to reach out and reason with the Mom but that might backfire as well. 

Other option is you back out of this all. I think you are overly involved and it is going to come back around at you.  You mean well, you have good intentions but sometimes that isn’t enough to “save” people.... you have to look at the situation realistically and try to remove emotion. 

I have been living with my DH going through parental alienation for years and years as well and we have tried to exhaust every avenue possible and it has just ramped it all up even more. Every effort we have made has seen a more severe retaliation. Now we are at the point that the kids actually hate DH, I honestly don’t think the relationship will ever be repaired. And it came to a point too wher DH was resentful towards me for talking about it or pushing him to keep fighting. 

You want to right the wrongs but when they aren’t YOUR children it is next to impossible to do, heck when you are dealing with actual parental alienation even when they ARE your children it is impossible. 

 

Notup4it's picture

My DH’s kids are alienated from him- 2 of them he hasn’t seen in over 2 years now. The courts really don’t do much and as time passes it will get worse and worse. 

I think that you need to back right off and let them sort it- fully disengage, otherwise both the Mom (and your boyfriend eventually) will blame you.  It isn’t your fault, but it also isn’t your place to fix it and if you try or even say too much about it to your boyfriend you will get blamed, or come out the bad guy.

i know all too well that it is very hard not to obsess about it because it seems so unfair and messed up.... but trust me there is nothing YOU can do. Totally ditach and focus on other things- don’t bring it up to boyfriend, don’t discuss it at all.  The more you discuss it with him the more he will shift the blame to you and get annoyed that you are talking about it. 

She doesn’t want your boyfriend but hates the fact she has to share her daughter with you guys, and any of your comments would be looked at as overstepping. She was most likely waiting for a chance to use something you said against you to stop contact and you gave it to her when you talked to SD about separation anxiety. 

Bio ho was waiting for this moment where she could do this. Yes it is messed up, but what can YOU do to fix or change it?! NOTHING.  And it really isn’t anything to do with you, it is about her wanting an opportunity to sever the last kids relationship with your boyfriend to hurt him.... you are just the scapegoat. 

I know deep down you feel guilt about how this must make your boyfriend feel, and frustration and like you want to fight it... but take it from someone who has been there and done that just let it all go. Let your boyfriend take the reins and figure it out— the more obsessed you are with it the more angst he is going to feel to resolve it in any way he can. So leave it be and let t fall where it may.  They had this weird dynamic long before you came around and she had major issues long before your Boyfriend and her were an item as well.... you have no power to fix mental illness.  

1wonder woman's picture

Believe it or not I have let go... I have disengaged... I have not texted his ex or called her... I have not texted his daughter like I use to do... I have stayed out of it. He tells me about her nasty text messages and I stay out of it I just listen to him and support him! My boyfriend has not once blamed me... we know what goes down in our home! He is by my side 100%... This all boils down to two things... is the kid doing this on purpose is she acting just to stop visiting her dad all together or is she really sick? Who knows? I do know this and this is my biggest fear of them all... I saw a big change in his daughter after she stayed alone for a week with her brother with four guys that are in their 20's that live together in one house... while her brother worked a fulltime job.  Now is it possible the kid might of been touched or just maybe something bad went down on during the week she stayed with her brother? The reason this gives me a red flag is the kid told me this is when she first noticed she started feeling sick to her stomach and could not eat and this is when her mom went out of state and left the kid alone with her brother in a house with four other guys. I know I was touched by my own step father and I became very sick a emotional mess and thank God my mom saw the changes in me and she asked me those difficult questions and she took me to the doctor and she divorced her husband. My mom did not look the other way and will not look the other way either... I feel my boyfriend is looking the other way he has a fear of the what if's...I told him it is his job to protect his daughter and he needs to get her alone and have a long talk with her and he needs to get her to a doctors. Now only if he can get to see his kid one more time here soon... lets hope!   As for the two older kids disowning their father... I heard the conversation over the phone he had the kids on speaker phone... he asked why are you exiting my life they told him it is nothing that you have done dad... we can't have you and mom both in our lives... we can't handle all of this drama in our life we need to focus on school right now. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG DAD! Bio Mom is always paying for everything these kids want she is their personal ATM machine this is why they pick her over him. He is broke he has no extra money to give them... they know that. I say once they get their degrees in their hands they will come back to their Dad... lets hope he is still here when and if that day happens. I do know this my boyfriend has not once told his kids his side of the story... he has not once cut the mother of his children down in front of them... he has never put the kids in the middle to pick and choose between them. He has never tried to break the bond between his ex wife and their children. He will exit their lives because he loves them that much... to spare them anymore pain. Heck he stayed in the marriage and slept on the sofa for years after he found out she was seeing another man while they were married... the man that she is engaged to right now. He did not want the divorce she did... but he has not told the kids really what went down... if he did trust me the kids would disown their mother and will not stoop that low!  I do know this our kids are a reflection of our parents the people that we spend the most time with... this kid is a reflection of her mother she spends more time with her... her mother lost her own mom when she as 7 years old and she lost her dad when she was 18 and she molested for years by her own father... His ex wife from what I heard has separation anxiety from her own kids.  They never could go on a date night away from the kids his ex would be a emotional mess they'd have to turn the car around and pick the kids back up. The whole time we have his kid she is on her cell phone texting her mom non stop. Bio Mom has major separation issues... trust issues... she again is Narcisstic... she hates to share her kids with anyone she controls them and manipulates them... Sadly this family had big problems way before I entered the picture... I am not to blame and I know that! 

Notup4it's picture

Read up on personality disorders it is more likely she has a personality disorder than narcissism. 

Could the brother and sister possibly fueled her to not want to see dad?! That is actually very likely as well. With alienation the alienating parent usually works on the kids at different times- that was the case for us as well.  It is like a divide and conquer technique. 

It isn’t usually about anything the targeted parent has done.... it is the kids aligning themselves with one parent to avoid the drama at first. As time goes on the alienating parent can weave a bigger web of lies and really sink their claws in. We have gone through it all..... kids being busy with activities, your dad abandoned you, your dad only wants you all to himself, your dad is trying to force a relationship, your dad is scary, you feel traumatized emotionally being with them, if your dad cared he would XYZ..... the story can change drastically at the drop of the hat. 

As a mom myself, and knowing how amazing of a father my DH is, and how truly sweet of a person it absolutely breaks my heart what I have seen happen. But at the end of the day now I know there is zilch I can do about it, and if I try it just gets spun into another way and used against me by the bio ho.  After years of this DH did get to a point where he was like “stop bringing this up”.... he has gotten very sick of hearing about it or thinking about it. We put in a huge fight to try to fix this and it blew up in our faces.

and then for myself I got to a point where I resent all of it. I hate the feeling of thinking about any of it now as well. So I have fully disengaged.

1wonder woman's picture

Wow! I looked up  personality disorders... I think you might be correct here... sounds just like the mom and the kids... crazy!! I know his ex wife does have the free of abandonment now after reading the symptoms and the kid too... Bio Mom lost her mom at the age of 7 and her Dad when she was 18... I know she has a hard time being away from her kids and I noticed she was even having a hard time being away from her ex husband too... Shoot after he moved out and they were divorced she asked him to move back in the house and he could date who ever he wanted..  His daughter worries non stop... Bio Mom and the three kids now all see a therapist... Thank you... you have no idea how much you have opened my eyes up!

I thought I really could date a divorced man since I came from a divorce family and I see now I was clueless! I am really thinking about ending things... I am older now and this drama and stress is causing me to have chest pains and my heart keeps racing. Not good! I take my boyfriends side all the time and I told him today his ex wife would not let him have a word in edge wise and she said let me finish stop talking over me...I told him gosh she was rude...  he bites my head off saying he does not want to talk about it anymore. Out of site out of mind ya know... he lives in fear of the what If's too... I am so seriously thinking of selling my house and moving far away.  I think this will only be the way we will ever have peace and be able to stay together... I love the guy but this is getting to be too much! 

Notup4it's picture

Borderline Personality Disorder to be exact. That is 110% what DH’s ex has, she is absolutely classic case. At first DH’s Mom was saying his ex was a narcissist, but it’s not that it is BPD... our therapist even said that she is classic BPD and can tell right away from things she says and does.

That was what I was talking about earlier.... if you comment DH will get frustrated, they don’t want to hear it. They know it isn’t right, but they don’t want to hear it from us. All they want is support when it suits them. So what I have done is refuse to talk about it.... if he even brings it up all I say is... k, next topic, or a simple “no thanks” and walk away, Lol.

i do understand how you feel right now... I was there a while ago myself. And it can consume you because it is so frustrating to have some woman pulling this crap and causing so much chaos in your and your DH’s life.  Using all this emotional turmoil and you can’t really figure out the bottom line of it all.

The one I dealt with is even a million times more psycho than what you are dealing with.... honestly.  I couldn’t handle it. Heck still sometimes since disengaging DH about it I still have days where the whole situation drives me right up the wall.

Parenral alienation is the worst thing to possibly deal with. You just don’t even know what they are going to pull next. These are not normal women.... it goes far beyond the typical annoying ex wanting more money, or dumping the kids off unexpectedly, or even just simply wanting their ex back and pining away after him. 

It is pure emotional chaos. And if isn’t your DH causing it, and he isn’t actually able to control it. So as hard as it is you have to really understand that fact. As I have gone through more and more time with it, and have been more and more exposed to the craziness I have come to realize that his silent reaction to it is the best thing you can do when dealing with people willing to go to the ends of the earth to cause drama. 

Therapsits have an almost impossible time resolving it, judges have an impossible time dealing with it.... we can not resolve it somehow. 

The impact it has on the kids is tremendous. Luckily my DH’s kids don’t have anxiety and stuff that we are aware of, but they only do when it comes to him. But as much as I want to be there for them, and as much as I want to help DH I am fully powerless when it comes to this beast. She will not stop at anything to destroy his relationship with his kids- but she blames the kids for it, or DH for it. She is so attached to them and needs 100% control of them at all times. They use subtle techniques and are master manipulators. Everything they do is intentional to cause a certain reaction. They are no different than cult leaders. Read up on cult tactics it is the exact same sort of tactics and brainwashing.

1wonder woman's picture

Thank you I looked up Borderline personality disorder... OMG!  This sounds just like his exwife to the T!  Crazy!! See when I first met my boyfriend he said his ex wife was Narcisstic... so I looked it up and then I understood what we were dealing... but now I looked up BPD and now I see she is more BPD than Narcissistic. 

I have noticed in the past it's ok for him to start talking about his problems that he is having with his ex wife or with his kid... but the second I start to bring up the subject he gets upset with me and I'm like wait a minute I am on your side here! I love your suggestion when ever he mentions his ex wife I will just say can we just change the subject please... this way I am disengaging myself! Sure I will be there for him but like I told him when he tells me his ex wife cut him down in a text message or she has hurt him on purpose or his kid accuses me of something to make me look bad in his eyes then that's when I go into mother bear mod and I wanna speak up for him and tell his ex wife off! I have texted bio mom several times going off on her... never cutting down because I know hat could back fire someday. But no more it is none of my business and I do need to let him fight his own battles... but it is so hard because I wanna just speak up and let her have it! 

Yep I agree I see how my boyfriend does the silence act on his ex wife for days... he said trust me do not feed into the drama she is trying to cause... ignore her... he said this is how to handle her. There was one day she texted him and I said here text here back he said no I will in several days... he said this way he takes away her power trying to control and manipulate him. But when he does finally text her back BAM she will text him back and she is pissed of hat it took him so long to reply back to her drama... I understand now... I use to want to just text her back right away and go off on her and that's not the way to handle her! She hates to be ignored!! 

My boyfriend calls his ex wife a VAMPIRE he says she tries to suck all of his money away... she tries to suck his time away from him spending time with his kids and she wants to suck all of his happiness away.. she wants to suck the life out of him so he is miserable!! and trust me she will do exactly this if he allows her to do so... trust me this man has came a long way!! I am so proud of how far he has disconnected from the hold she use to have over him. I see his ex wife does not want him back but she does not want anyone else to have him either... she'd love to break us up too her number one goal is to ruin every relationship this man has had with anyone that he loves and I see that now. She is a master manipulator that can't be trusted... You are so right everything they do is intentional to cause a certain reaction... I'll read up on the cult tactics too..I am learning to disengage and I must say it's so hard to do but I am doing it and I am feeling much better!. thank you seriously you have given me some really good advice and have helped me so much! Makes me feel like I am not alone... someone else is going through or has went through the same hell that we have been going through... Thanks!! 

1wonder woman's picture

Good news is I did just that I let it run it's course and I am proud of myself I did not text or call bio mom... she sees the emotional mess her kid is in now and she was in denial... she called bio dad today... now she took the kid to see a therapist this evening... she said the reason the kid is a mess is because I mentioned she might be having separation anxiety. Well today Bio Mom said she can't go no where now without her kid she flips out and cries she goes from one worry to another annd is having panic attacks... she is noticing her kid keeps getting on the scale several times a day now too...the kid is no longer doing gymnastics either... she is no longer doing the things she use to do...I see depression too..  Bio Dad not once told Bio Mom he thought the kid had an eating disorder he not once told her what all has been going on with his daughter while she has been with us either. He just sat back and let bio mom go on and on. I'm telling you I see parent alienation at it's best. I just hope and pray they can help the kid... I am disengaging... it's hard because I have become her other mother she calls me  "HER OTTER MOTHER" LOL!. I was not included in their conversation either sure he had her on speaker phone. But I knew better not to say a word. But the second the kid is sick these two people look at me to take care of their sick kid. Then bio mom has the nerve to blame me for the kid being a emotional mess. I never want to be with this kid ever again. I do not feel safe being alone with her anymore if Bio mom blames me for this what else would she blame me for?  God forbid if we ever got in a accident.  

Rags's picture

Any time the BM does not deliver the Skid on schedule to the visitation CO DH needs to nail her ass to the wall in court with a contempt order.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  The BM is a manipulative toxic POS and should be treated as such.  Scrape her off of your shoe just like you would stepping on a dog turd in the park.  Grab her by the scruff of her mangy neck and rub her nose in the stench she causes.  And do it every time.

Make her legal, financial and social destruction your hobby and get very good at it. Learn to love it.  That is what I did with my son's toxic SpermClan and I was the yearly Gold Medalist in the bring the pain to the blended family opposition Olympics.  I would  have celebrated them if they had been reasonable. The were and are not, so I destroyed them.  That is what it took to protect the best interests of the child that my bride trusted me to raise with her.

I suggest that you and DH keep it simple and take a zero tolerance perspective with BM and this situation.  The Skid visits or the BM gets a contempt motion filed. As soon as the kids arrives her phone goes in a locked drawer until she leaves to return to BM.  Dad can review the messages from BM, save them, and present them in court as evidence of PAS and BM's manipulative BullShit.  If the kids has a melt down take her to the ER for a Psych eval.  Take this out of BM's hands. If she won't get this kid help, which she won't because BM is a manipulative toxic POS then you and her dad are going to have to force the issue and take it out of BM's hands completely.  It may take having SD in for a weekend Psych eval, it may take a ton of medical tests to determine if she has GI issues (which she of course does not) and it may take a long painful campaign of destroying BM and getting this little girl connected with reality rather than allowing BM to continue to destroy this little girl out of spite and evil intent.

My SS'd SpermClan learned to stay in line or suffer.  It worked.  And my SS-26 is a fine man of character and honor that I am proud to have as my son... and not yet another generation of useless detritus spewed into the world  from the shallow and polluted SpermClan gene pool.

Most of all... don't forget to take care of yourself through all of this.

1wonder woman's picture

Thank you for sharing with me your story.... Wow you just gave me some good advice... now if I can get my SO to do what he needs to do is the question? He lost his relationship with his two older kids that are 19 & 22 because of his sociopathic ex wifes control that she has over her kids... she hogs her kids all to her self and brainwashed them filling their head ups with dirt. The thing is when the kid comes to our home she has her cell phone locked with a pass word so getting that password is going to be the prob unless bio dad demands it from his child or unless we can get her friend nest door to give it to use because I think she knows it because she is on Sophia's cell phone all the time. I am sure there are text messages on there that can prove she has brainwashed her kid. 

I survived my parents own nasty divorce so I thought I could handle this no prob... was I ever clueless... my mom was not like this nor was my Dad sure they hated one another... My Dad is my hero he took my mom to court and won full custody of us girls he was the first man in the state that we live in to be awarded custody of his children that just did not happen back in the day.  I am proud he never gave up on me and that's why I never give up on those that I love... I just wish my SO would fight harder and stop giving his ex the power to hurt him and the power to hurt his daughter because in the end it will be the kids that pay the price for her actions.  Sadly... I just do not know if he will fight her or throw in the towel?

Today it has been 6 weeks since he saw his kid and bio mom is sending the kid to see a therapist and I am sure she will be asking my SO for his half of the bill here soon... she told him the kid is adamant about not coming to visit him because she can not eat when she is here she gets emotionally upset to her stomach... she eats fine at bio moms house at least that's what we are told. We think she might have a eating disorder not sure? It all could be a act too who knows?  He was in tears he is so depressed this is really putting a strain on him and on our relationship. Today he said lets just sell everything and move far away from here and get away from the drama and the stress.  He wants to give up! I want him to fight for his rights to see his kid! But every time I push the issue he gets mad at me and says lets change the subject... uhg!