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BF's 12 yr old daugther refuses to meet me

runnergirl4's picture

Joined here because this is an ongoing problem for me and hoping for some ideas/advice. I have been with my BF about 2 years, we do not live together. His daughter knows about me for almost a year. He did not tell her about me until his divorce was almost final. I am not the reason for his divorce btw. She would call me names to him,say nasty things about my kids w/o meeting any of us. I know she is insecure and understand. He has told her that is not acceptable. He goes to all her school events without me. He has her every other weekend and therefore, we dont see each other those weekends. He sees her 2x during the week so I dont see him then either. I am ready to move things forward and he says he is too. The week I was supposed to me her, she refusted to come stay with him and ex supported her decision. She is now worried she will be "ambushed". I am thinking about just moving on with our relationship, but how does it work if he moves in with me and she won't meet me? The daughter lives an hour away, so driving there all three days on the weekend is not really a good option. What about her sports activities..does he go alone and hang out with the ex with me at home and live a separate life? How do others of you in this situation work it out and deal with this and the emotions? Does your BF/Husband just lose the relationship with the kids? HELP!

goincrazy.com's picture

^^^this^^^

But as the girlfriend I understand you have no say. I'm sure it's causing stress and tension but look at the bright side, the longer you can go without being involved with her the better. Once she meets you she will be jealous, competitive and manipulative and cause lots of problems! Seems like she already makes the decisions! Yikes, good luck!

runnergirl4's picture

My BF admits that she was given too much say when he was married. My question is if I continue without having to be involved with her and we would want to move in what happens with his visitation from a practical standpoint? Or on his holiday? IF she won't meet me and it doesn't change, we just don't include her on his scheduled holiday? I'm wondering from others who have chosen this route how that works out? I mean I'm guessing not great for anyone, but really, what are the logistics?

Denise02's picture

I’m dealing with the same issue.    SO had been separated for a year and we started dating after he split from his x. I was not the reason. But early on he told his kids about us which I disagreed with. He said he treats them like adults and wanted to be honest. They are 12 and 16.  Fast forward a year..   They don’t want to meet me and I feel that his youngest calls all the shots cause he doesn’t want to upset her in any way.  His X has  put horrible things in their heads and I feel that they will forever hate me for something I didn’t do. He gets very defensive if I even ask questions about his thoughts on me meeting them.   Do I cut my losses or try to resolve this?  I do love him and do not want to be not with him but I am not sure I am cut out for all of this. My son enjoys being around him and is respectful and I didn’t ask him if he wanted to meet him. Maybe I just think differently. 

Rags's picture

He is at least 50% responsible for his children being who they are. He is not dealing with it effectively.

Parenting being the primary responsibility of adults, what about this guy makes him someone you love and "do not want to not be not with".

He won't put his children in their place and in line. He won't even have the discussion or listen to your thoughts on the subject.

Nope, there is nothing about this guy that would put him in the equity life partner class in my mind.

Denise02's picture

Thank you for your comments 

I truly do love him and would love for our relationship to grow.   But unfortunately I think this is an issue that may not be resolved. He said I knew what I was signging up for and I told him no I didn’t. Our relationship is great Other than the issue with his children.   

Kes's picture

I don't want this to sound flippant, but to be honest and with hindsight, it would have been a godsend to me to have the SDs refuse to meet me - then I would not have had to put up with all the BS I have had over the last 10 years. DH could have seen them elsewhere EOW and I would not have had to have been on medication.

stormabruin's picture

You said, "I have been with my BF about 2 years, we do not live together. His daughter knows about me for almost a year. He did not tell her about me until his divorce was almost final. I am not the reason for his divorce btw"

So, you've been together 2 years. His daughter found out about you almost a year ago, when his divorce was almost final, which means you were with him for a year before his divorce was final?

What was the reason for the divorce?

smdh's picture

I understand your question, and I am also curious, but I will also say that if you just look at my relationship in a vaccuum, we were together almost 2 1/2 years before his divorce was final because his divorce 3 years to be final. He was seperated and their marriage was over, but due to McCrazy's continued insistence that he should not ever be allowed to see his kid and his continued insistence that he would not settle the financial end of the divorce until he had a custody order, things went way longer than they should have.

stormabruin's picture

I think that, regardless of the reasons, it can be difficult for a child to accept someone new in their lives when they come before closure to the marriage.

At 12 years old, the girl is old enough to understand marriage & divorce. She's old enough to know that dad was with OP before her parents were divorced.

My guess is that whether OP actually was the OW or not, there's a good chance that in putting 2 & 2 together (dad with OP while he's married to mom) she sees the OP as the OW.

If nothing else, it can explain her lack of enthusiasm in wanting to meet OP.

runnergirl4's picture

Yes, she does consider me the OW because we were dating before divorce was final. I know this will also play a huge part in her feelings on the situation, but her Dad isnt' comfortable going into details with her on cause of divorce, etc. because she is a child. That is his choice how he handles things on that subject.

stormabruin's picture

That status (OW) is something that will be an issue for her for as long you're around. Dad doesn't owe her details. He made the right choice in that respect. What he owed her was closure to the family she knew for 10 years before he started looking for a new one.

So, what was the reason for the divorce?

runnergirl4's picture

Do you think the reason for the divorce could be the issue with her not wanting to meet me? Does it make a difference? I'm not trying to be coy, but not sure what that has to do with her not wanting him to move on other than she doesnt like that he was dating before he was officially divorced. I should point out that I was not officially divorced until recently, nor was my now EX and my kids have met both our new SO. My kids are not happy about the divorce either, but are dealing with things.

stormabruin's picture

The reason for the divorce could very well play a part in why she doesn't want to meet you. You say you're not trying to be coy, yet you're avoiding the question. That leads me to believe that you play a bigger part in the divorce than you're willing to admit, or that your boyfriend is guilty in the breakdown of his marriage which could lead to his daughter not feeling so excited for him in moving on.

smdh's picture

Good point. My sd was very young and has no recollection of her parents together and doesn't know life with him outside of me.

runnergirl4's picture

If you were living together for a year before you met the kids, where did your fh visit with the kids?

MacMom's picture

Wow, you must feel so left out! I find it disturbing, for you, that your BF has not had more spine and stood up to the situation and done something more to encourage his daughter to get to know you. If he's serious about moving forward with you - this is going to have to happen at some point! Like others said, she's 12 and should not be calling any shots about things. With that said, she's a 12-year-old girl. It's the start of a horrible age and life is just icky, and add on the other stuff she's had to deal with lately. And, are you SURE you want to come into life with this young lady? If she's already being obstinate, don't count on it being any bed of roses when you all move forward. It might be fine when she does meet you and realize wow was she WRONG about what she was thinking all along, but statistically she can make your life hell if she wants to, and she's well on her way, with the support of her mom.

hippiegirl's picture

I agree with Kes....leave it alone and count your blessings that this little snot wants to leave you alone. Maybe you will luck out and NEVER have to meet her. }:)

runnergirl4's picture

I don't have to meet her at all. However, I'm trying to get a view of life down the road if I choose that path. Say we get married and I don't meet her. She obviously will refuse to come to our house (since we will be living together if married)...so he goes to her?

LRP75's picture

I'm going to throw red flags all over the field on this one.

The fact that your SO has had a YEAR to deal with his daughters attitude, and he hasn't (if he had, she would still have an attitude) and that he allows his daughter to have that perception of your relationship doesn't bode well. To proceed forward prepare to constantly be back-burner to SD's attitudes about/toward you. I strongly urge you to read around on here and talk to other SM's whose H's don't make their children respect them (I'm one of them). I assure you, it's a bad, bad situation to be in.

1. Count your lucky stars and enjoy your alone time. Never move the relationship beyond what it currently is.

2. Or, force FSD to meet you and attempt to force your SO to make her like you and treat you with respect - good luck and welcome to SM hell. (You'll be in good company on here!)

3. Or, find another man that actually parents his child/ren.

Yes, I honestly feel that your options are limited to those three choices. Sorry.

(((HUG)))

byebyebirdie's picture

LRP75 is so right on this when a 12 year old calls the shots it will only get worse once you actually meet this kid....

runnergirl4's picture

At this point, I would like to be spending part of our "kid" weekends together and holidays and see how that goes before moving in, etc.

Disneyfan's picture

How do you force a kid to like someone else?

The only things the BF can do is force his daughter to meet the OP and respect her. He can't make the girl like, love or have a relationship with the OP.

runnergirl4's picture

This is how my Ex and I have handled it so far. They do complain and can voice their feelings, but they have to be polite. My son and my bf had a very rocky beginning and things are finally turning around.

Jsmom's picture

You guys have given a child all the power...The way this has been handled will probably never get better unless, he tells her the truth about you and forces her to see you.

But, honestly, do you really want a relationship with an angry child? I would move on....Forget him and find someone that knows how to parent their child...

oneoffour's picture

OK for 1 yr this girl has called the shots. Seriously, nothing has changed and nothing will. If this girl in her heart of hearts has decided you are the reasonb her much loved mother and father are no longer together then NOTHING you do will make it work.

I would move on or accept him as he is. Never meet his daughter and see him every 2nd weekend or around his daughter's schedule.

See, my DH told his sons weeks before he left that he and hisw mother were splitting up because they 'couldn't get along and were making each other miserable.' His ex told the boys the night before he moved out that their father didn't want to live with them anymore and wanted a new life. Whoever gets to the kids first, wins. If your BF moved out and wishy washied around the reason why I bet his ex told the girl "Daddy has met another woman...." And co-incidentally you turn up on the scene. Now it may be completely innocent or it may be too close to the truth. Kids who are 10 don't see men and women as platonic friends.

Orange County Ca's picture

You'll avoid a lot of hassle by ending the relationship. Second choice is to give your boyfriend the freedom to leave you behind when he sees the kid. Stop making an issue of it. You're hoping you can win her over and she'll be a nice or at least neutral addition to the family? HAHAHAHA if that's your thinking.

Never lay eyes on this girl if possible.

And double think your decision to bring this guy into your home with your kids. When they start shacking up at age 18 don't wonder why.

Ignore those here who would have you and him force the issue. They love starting WW III which is exactly what this would be.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I agree with those that say "this girl has been calling the shots for too long", but your SO cannot unring that bell. Now if he forces the meeting she could possibly be your worst nightmare. An angry 12 year old girl? :shudders:

stormabruin's picture

Since you're unwilling to share the reasons for the divorce, I'm going to guess that either you ARE the OW & the reason they split, or that your boyfriend had another woman before you that initiated the fallout in his marriage.

He can't make her like you. You can't make her like you.

The fact that you & her dad had a relationship while he was still married to her mom is enough to keep her from ever being open to liking you. She'll always see you as a wedge in her family. If he screwed up his marriage with someone else, she'll be resentful toward him for hurting her family & she isn't going to celebrate him moving on to another one.

Being you're only willing to share half of the story, my guess is that you have a good idea about why she doesn't want to be around you. You're here asking for advice & to find resolution, but in order to do so you have to be open to addressing the root of the problem.

hereiam's picture

This has gone on way too long to have a good outcome.

You have been with this guy for two years and yet he has felt no need for the two most important people in his life to meet.

I'd say one of them is not all that important after all.

ctnmom's picture

He's still involved with his ex, is my guess. Red flags everywhere on this one girl. Read your own post again- what advice would you give that woman?

runnergirl4's picture

Thanks! Some very good information and thoughts. I'm going to respond separately.

runnergirl4's picture

First off, the reason for their divorce: their relationship did not start off good, they were together for their child, got married and things did not continue to go well. There are plenty of things both of them did throughout the relationship which would make for great tabloid reading here. I was not part of that relationship and I believe only the 2 people in it really know what happened. My BF is not perfect, nor is she. So will it make a difference here to everyone if I say he had cheated at some point? What if she did or did as well? Does that change things with regard to the current issue? Does him dating me while married make me the OW? I was dating him while married also awaiting my divorce. Is he the OM? My son initially thought so because his father was angry I wanted the divorce. Did that make it true? NO! The BM was angry because he was seeing me and if I was in the picture, it was making it harder for her to get what she wanted..to get back together. I don't think it's wrong for her to try and "save her family". I don't agree with her manipulation tactics, guilt and using the child as a means to do so or calling me names because she is not getting her way. Allowing the daughter to think Daddy left "us" is not healthy. He explained that wasn't true, but if the other parent is presenting it that way it is very confusing. If they fight and the BM gets upset, the daughter then doesnt want to see my BF because he made BM mad, doesnt matter if the BM is being a bitch and unreasonable, if it doesnt go her way, she gets angry and daughter doesnt fully understand what happened (nor should she be told as it is adult business), however, the BF always looks bad. This is not helping the BF and daughter relationship at all..lots of drama there without me even being in the picture and just a further problem of the relationship. Although from reading around on here, this stuff is unfortunately all too common.

I don't need this girl to like me. I know I can't make her like me. I have 2 kids of my own, ages 8 and 11. I am not willing to accept her talking badly about me at all. My BF has talked to her about it and corrected that. Initially, I really didn't push to meet her because I just thought if she had more time to adjust, she would come around. I was never willing to accept this as a way of life and live in the background or spend so much time apart. My BF was aware of this. I do think his daughter will come first in some areas of his life and believe me, I have tolerated things I should not have thinking it would help the situation, but I was naive and realize now it was a mistake and did not work and should have handled things differently, but hindsight is 20/20. I am trying to figure out what to do from where we are now. I do not want to move ahead at all costs because I feel guilty. I do not. I am trying to get a picture of how things might go from those who have been in this situation and how it worked out. I am worried that (especially from reading here) that an unhappy BF will absolutely equal an unhappy relationship down the road if the end result is lack of relationship with his daughter.

Also, I do think that he definitely has taken a much too passive approach in dealing with this situation and worry he is not really going to do the hard stuff to change things. Since the daugher is 12 and has support of BM and BM is not going to change he doesn't want to deal with what it is going to take to turn this around. I do agree with the statement that BM is perfectly happy to not have daughter meet me. BM initially was ok with it, then changed her tune dramatically when it was going to actually happen. She says it's not in daughters best interest and she needs more time. I think it is the BM who actually needs more time. IMO, there is some PAS going on, but that is not my issue to deal with either. He tells me he is ready to deal with it, but doesn't know how to handle it, especially w/o support of BM. Yes, I am well aware of the fact that if things don't change, it will not be a pleasant relationship for us/ them.

Denise02's picture

curious what the outcome was with your relationship?  I am in similar situation. Any advice would be appreciated. 

runnergirl4's picture

Saffron..thank you for answering my original question and your very candid reply. I am dealing with some of those very things at this time and I am not willing to continue this way. I am supposed to meet her sometime the week of Aug 27th when we both have vacation time..the rest of the time I will be with my kids and he will be with his daugther separately. My hope is that she will be agreeable to even meet me, but if not, I'm thinking it would be a terrible idea to just make the arrangements without her knowledge. I don't need to meet her that badly, but then I guess that answers my question about the relationship ever going anywhere anyway.

I'm sorry to hear your situation didn't improve and what you are dealing with.

Dizzyjell's picture

Was in a situation like this. Lived with her beau who had 2 kids with a hcbm who refused to meet her. When they cane over, she had to leave, holidays were also a shitshow, as was anytime dad planned stuffes wirh the kids. She eventually got fed up and left. She is dating a man without kids now and 100% does not regret it. She says she will never be with a man again who has kids.  Wait.. how long was he split up before you got with him? You said he didnt tell them about you til close to his divorce. 

Denise02's picture

I agree with that.   We talked about this in length today.  I understand he doesn’t want to upset them further but it’s been in my opinion enough time. 

shamds's picture

Sd is saying those nasty things about you without meeting or knowing you because someone put those dirty thoughts in her head - Bio Mum...

even if you move in together with this guy, he doesn’t get to spend his visits staying at exwifes home for so-called daughter time, he doesn’t get to unnecessarily take money out of your joint household finances to pay for a hotel or motel for those weekly visits.

its time this man stops being controlled by his daughter, sadly it looks like he doesn’t even realise she is pulling the string on his life selfishly 

1wonder woman's picture

For starters why the heck is the kid and his ex-wife calling the shots here? When he has his daughter he becomes her parent mom is to stay out of the picture when he has his kid and he should be making the decisions what they do where they go and who she meets ect. not MOM and not the kid. The fact is her two parents are divorced... and the fact is divorced parents disconnect and move on with other people. So what if he dated you before the divorce... the fact is you have been dating this man for two years now and if you are truly important to this man and he loves you and he wants you to be a part of his future then his kid needs to face the facts... and he should make his daughter meet you.  When you date a divorced man with kids they are a package deal... you become his helper and you help him raise his kid and you become a blended family... if you marry this man you will be making not just a commitment to him but to his kid too. So you might wanna think really hard about your future with this man... because trust me it is rough being the girlfriend to a newly divorced man that has a kid and an ex... I know first hand and I know it is even rougher being a step mom .  You need to really ask yourself can I do this do I wanna do this and especially by the sounds of things his daughter already dislikes you and I am sure her mom has filled her head up with lies and her side of the story by now. I feel for you !! 

My SO and I have been dating one another almost four years now and when we met he had only been divorced for two weeks. My SO has three kids two of his kids at the time were 17 and 19 and a 7 year old... I thought right away who better to date this man then me? After all I survived my own parents divorce. Trust me I was so looking forward to being a step mom... I thought hey I can relate to his kids since I have been in their shoes... I got this! I was clueless!! LOL! Trust me if I knew what I know today I most likely would of never dated this man to start with.  Nothing has turned out like I thought it would... Plus he was newly divorced...not fun! But I do really love this man and I am still going through absolute hell putting up with his ex-wife and his 12 year old daughter. The two oldest kids met me one time and all I said was hi it's nice to meet you... afterwards the son disowned his father and now the oldest daughter too has nothing to do with her Dad.  It's sad very sad I see his tears... he really misses his kids and then he puts up with his crazy ex that abuses him and cuts him down non stop... His ex-wife has brainwashed her kids and she has filled their heads up with lies into hating me and their Dad and my SO lets her... he will not told the kids the truth. His ex wanted the divorce she was seeing another man at the time and they are engaged to this day. But the kids do not know the true story.  My SO and I even broke up for about 2 months and just recently he moved back into my home.... for me I am now disengaging from his ex and the kid... and I am so much happier...  My SO really wants us to pack up and move far far away from his ex-wife... 

My parents were divorced when I was kid and my dad was seeing my now step mom before my parents were divorced. I met her 6 months after they were divorced and I was 7 years old. I feel the sooner divorced parents move forward and make their kids move forward the better. My parents called the shots not us kids... Heck I met my moms new boyfriend a month after the divorce and trust me my mom blamed my step mom for their divorce.... kids are so much tougher then parents realize... and trust me every kid that comes from a divorced family wants their mom and dad back together and believe me I tried my best to get my parents back together. LOL! 

I am sure his daughter wants her mom and dad back together... and her not wanting to meet you is away she can control and manipulate her father. He is allowing her to call the shots here and he needs to put a stop this right now the sooner the better... she is the child not the parent... the parent is to call the shots and this is what we are suppose to teach our kids.  If he is not careful she will trun out to be a spoiled brat... See when you start raising your kids like this you will have a monster on your hands.  It is time for you to meet his daughter... the longer it takes you two to meet the harder it will be when that day comes. Pretending her parents are not divorced... pretending you are not in her Dad's life is not the solution... she needs to face reality her parents are divorced and now her dad loves you... face it kid and get over it! 

Denise02's picture

Thank you very much for your reply.   I have allot to consider and think about for sure 

Lollybobs's picture

Putting off meeting you is pointless, if you're going to become a permanent fixture in OH's life. Of course most kids would like their parents back together but usually this isn't going to happen. Until they meet you, they can continue to pretend it's a possibility which in the long run isn't being kind because it's giving them false hope.