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BF wants to apply at my place of employment

Cookieboom's picture


I haven't been here in a while.  As you may know I am a nurse and boyfriend in IT.  BM has targeted him and me, alienated him from us, now BF sees SS without me around (court ordered). $70,000 In lawyer fees to get to see SS on the weekends.  BM. Claims I am dangerous and make accusations that I take drugs from my patients.  Things have been good as BM was shot down by judge.  

I work at a city hospital, she asked for my financial statements for more CS.  Lawyer said to judge that SS hasn't been around me in years.  Judge was stumped and ask if we're living together, his lawyer said no.  Judge told her my financial records have nothing to do with her CS.  Since then she's laid off on me. So what's my issue now?

BF just announced tonight he wants to work IT at my hospital. They are not hiring, but he wants to go there. I was floored! He went on and on about it. I asked did he consider how it would affect us.  He looked dumbfounded and said no.  He said if it would affect us he wouldn't do it. I said we would cross that bridge when we get to it.  

I've been thinking about it and really not feeling good about.  My job is my sanctuary.  I worked hard to be where I am.  I am out of his drama with BM and SS, and he wants to bring it to my job? Also I don't feel partners for the most part should work together, as I've seen a few workplace romances that didn't end well.  He can get an IT job anywhere, yet in limited in going to another hospital.  Our therapist has said in the past I can't tell him what to do, but doesn't know this yet.  I may be wrong but I don't think I want him working here.  Thoughts?


Winterglow's picture

I'd want to know what brought this on. 

Telling him you'd cross that bridge when you come to it was a bad move because then it would be too late. You are clearly very upset by this prospect and I think you should tell him what you told us. 

There's another angle - supposing BM decides to cause trouble for him at his work, YOU could be smattered too and you have worked too hard to get where you are for that. 

Kaylee's picture

Yeah, why does he want to apply at your hospital in particular? He can get a job anywhere.

You should ask him what his reasons are. It all sounds a bit weird.

And I understand about your workplace being your haven of peace, your safe space. Why does he have to invade that?

Someoneelse's picture

I agree working together can be super stressful, that's your sanctuary to get away from it all! Don't let him bring it all to you! 

Survivingstephell's picture

I'd ask him how he is going to protect you and your coworkers from random visits from her and drama.  Ask him if he'd accept a final breakup if any of that happens.  That you've been through enough and that your job secured is important enough  to weigh the costs of this job change.  

ESMOD's picture

I may go out on a bit of a different limb here.  I am guessing a city hospital is a fairly large place with a large organization of people.  If he is in IT and you are in nursing.. I would hazard a guess that it would be pretty unlikely you would work closely together.. and that your peers and management line wouldn't be intermixing too much either.  Maybe you would see him in the cafeteria.. or if one of you sought the other one out (is he likely to be one to do that?)  So, working in two totally separate organizations.. it's not like you would be working "together" really.. just working generally in the same building.

But.. if you have concerns about his ex or son coming to his job.. that could be a reason you might object to him.  Do they currently.. have they? 

Are you dreading a joint commute? (if that is even possible since your shifts probably won't match his I'm guessing).

And.. finally, this may be something difficult to talk about... are you worried that his "lack of performance as an employee or a person" will reflect on you badly with your management and peers?  My EX used to work in IT and actually worked at the same company I did after I already worked there.  He was not a great employee... he was bragadocious.. he did not have the skills he claimed.. and his coworkers had to pick up slack.  He was a bit sexist and crude at times.. and there was more than one occasion where people expressed surprise that he was my DH.  He even managed to get fired whild we both worked there.. because he "called in sick" when he was denied time off to go on a trip to interview at a ski resort in CO.  (where I got the manager job.. but he didn't get his job.. so we did not move.. I should have gone 

Then there is the "all eggs in one basket" thing.. while it might not be as likely at your place of employement.. if the hospital downsized staffing.. all areas could be cut leaving you both vulnerable at the same time.

So.. I guess in short. .even though my situation didn't work out due to my EX being a douche.. I don't think in your situation it is necessisarily a horrible thing since you wouldn't be working closely.. but the likelihood of interferance by his EX or son in your day to day.. would be something you should have assurances from him won't happen.. because as a nurse.. it's not like you are going to another hospital as easily as an IT person can go to many different industries.

Cookieboom's picture

Yes, BM and SS are a problem (not lately) as she showed up at SS's school on his day attacked him and had HIM arrested, went after his XGF and she dumped him that day.  Told police I'm a drug addict that steals drugs from my patients and took SS to yoga classes at my hospital seconds after saying I am dangerous and she and SS were in fear of me.  He is good at computers I think...

The only reason I said we'll cross that bridge is because the therapist said in the past I can't tell him what to do.

IT is at the ER where I work a lot....

ESMOD's picture

Unfortunately.. if they are inclined to encroach on your job.. they already have means and ability to do that.. whether your DH works there or not.  Going to SS's school is not necessarily the same as your hospital.. and even if it's under auspices of going to "yoga'.. if you are in the ER.. from my experience.. those places are a bit locked down and have security to deal with potentially dangerous situations..due to the nature of people that may end up in the ER. (like someone injured in a crime situation.. or unstable mentally homeless people.. drug seekers etc...).. So, you would hope that no one could as easily "get to you"

It does seem weird that IT is co-located in an ER area.. you would think that would not be conducive to them doing their work.. and potentially interfering with ER.. but I am maybe guessing you  mean just in the same general area.

I guess the best thing to do is have an upfront conversation with him.

He needs to tell you why he wants to leave the job he has.. why the same place you work is attractive to him vs any number of other opportunities in the area.  Also.. aren't there tons of remote jobs openingn up for IT these days.. wouldn't that be apealing to him? (would to

I think you could voice your concerns about his EX and his son.. the trouble they have caused and that you don't want to risk any chance of it bleeding over to your career.. and that you are worried that if he works there.. the chances of that go up.

Maybe his reasons may sway your thoughts one way or another.  In the end.. you can't TELL him no.. but you can voice your concerns to him.. and a good partner would weigh those carefully.

Cookieboom's picture

Ask why, and he said he has always wanted to work there, even before meeting me.  I find thus odd as he always told me he wanted to work for the state and get state benefits, good pay, tuition reimbursement, etc.  He told me in the past he applied 2x and never heard anything.  Another excuse he used was that he was afraid to further his career as BM would get more CS, but now ge doesn't care about her doing that.  This job thing was out of the blue and he never told me of his desire to work here.

grannyd's picture

Considering the ongoing drama with BF's certifiable ex, he should, absolutely, understand your horror at allowing the ex’s tiniest conduit into the relative safety of your workplace. As the others have written, your BF's employment opportunities are sound and he's not sacrificing much by giving the hospital a pass. 

Was your BF jealous and mistrustful of his ex? Did she give him cause? Could your BF be planning to 'keep an eye on you' by working at the same hospital? From the sounds of his marriage, your BF was lucky to escape alive but likely not without a neurosis or two if not full-blown PTSD. 

Quite frankly, Hon, I’m not surprised that BF’s previous SO scarpered. All that commotion would frighten the dickens out of any reasonable person. Please don’t be in a hurry to marry your BF! I honestly think that he has more healing to do before he remarries.


notarelative's picture

I think you could voice your concerns about his EX and his son.. the trouble they have caused and that you don't want to risk any chance of it bleeding over to your career.. and that you are worried that if he works there.. the chances of that go up.

The therapist said you shouldn't tell him what to do, but that doesn't mean you can't express your opinion about this.  Speaking about how something will affect you at work is quite different from telling him what to do about the ex and son. 

Cookieboom's picture

I did express my thoughts of BM/SS and he didn't say much, just said he won't go there if I don't want him to.

ESMOD's picture

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him your preference.. you can couple it with the suggestion below to look for a university situation that might offer tuition for his son in the future.  I'm also guessing there are other state/ govt type opportunities out there.  He said he won't do it if you object.. so.. he is giving you permission to say that you object.. that's not the same thing as saying he CAN'T do it.. saying you don't WANT him to do it.

Cookieboom's picture

I know he is unhappy with his job, as his company is on the lower paying side.  He spoke of two companies hiring, but didn't apply yet.  

AgedOut's picture

My Mr works IT for the college associated w/ the hospitals/medical centers/Dr's offices in the area. Suggest to him to look into local colleges and research the potential for college discounts in the future for SS if Dad were to be employed by the school. 

Cookieboom's picture

Great idea!

Rags's picture


My DW and I established after she finished her BS that we would not work for the same company if we could avoid it.

We have held that for 20+ years.  That has allowed us to survive when one or the othe rof us has been in an unemployed phase of our career.

advice.only2's picture

This seems odd for him to suddenly want to work for a location that is not hiring.  You already have a number of red flags with this man and his ex and son…he’s just thrown out another one. 

JRI's picture

There's enough potential drama surrounding him, BM and son, especially in light of her accusations about you.  I would be against this idea.  I'd keep my hard-won professional life separate from the drama.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

There is no need for him to work where you work - not at all. BM is being quiet now, but you know that isn't going to last. She has tried to go after your professionally and if your SO is working at the same place you work that will just give her one more thing to somehow use.

Also, what if SO ever needs to bring his SS to work with him? I know hospitals are big, but why even run the risk of ever having that be an issue.

Given all of the problems with BM, this just seems like a weird request.

Flustered's picture

Should BF get a job there and he and SM create angst? First I'd go to HR and tell them keep him away from you. If that didn't work I'd ask for a restraining order for all times except when he is to have BC

Cookieboom's picture

Thank you everyone!  BF has not mentioned the job since he sensed my displeasure with it.