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BF Slowly Breaking up with Me Because of my Kids

beautifulhope's picture

Ok, hopefully, I'm allowed on here.  I'm the mom of the kids who would be the step kids.  My boyfriend of a year and I are likely breaking up because he feels our lives are incompatible........... because he doesn't feel ready to step into the stepdad position. 

 

He emphasizes that this isn't about me.  And that he doesn't have peace about leaving me, but he does feel sure, that at least right now, he's not ready for the situation.  He says that he loves me and he loves the girls, but he constantly feels tired after spending too much time with us.  That he's not focusing on his goals and just worn out.  He wants some time to focus on himself. 

 

He doesn't have kids of his own............ and I remember what a huge shift it was for me, to go from no kids and I imagine as a single man of mid-30s, going to the life of young ish kids is a LOT.  My girls are 5 and 7 and really wonderful, but also high energy. 

 

Honestly, I made this choice.... so I HAVE to journey through the good and bad and make the absolute most of the challenge of raising little humans.  He does NOT have to do it.   Especially when it wasn't in his own timing (dating without kids first, getting married for ___ years, then coming to the decision where you feel stable enough, etc.)

 

Our relationship is/was one of kindness, vulnerability, generosity and respect.  And we've had a very deep connection on all the levels.  I know that is why it's hard for him to walk away.  I'm ok with continuing a relationship without the kids and in a lesser way,  It was always about the connection for me, not any kind of traditional setup.  But, that's likely because I already have my hands full!  I've already been married and experienced those things. He would love a full time relationship/marriage.  He's just not sure (at this moment), that he'll ever find the kind of connection we have again....

 

Right now, I'm giving him space and letting him make his own decision.  I feel like it's his to make.  But, he's been vacillating a lot.   Saying what he needs, but then not being able to maintain distance for long.  I'm wondering whether the kindest thing I can do is to "set him free."  

 

Sigh.

 

I'd love to hear your feedback, as someone who may have been in this situation.  And how you would have wanted the other person to respond.  

 

tog redux's picture

I agree, he's being kind and doing the right thing for both of you - and you are doing the right thing for him by letting him go. Being a stepparent is hard work and not for everyone.  Be grateful he figured it out now and had the courage to end it before you got married or lived together.

 

beautifulhope's picture

I appreciate both of you and your responses!  

Thumper's picture

Sounds like he has taken a lot of time to deeply think about your relationship.

He doesn't have kids. I imagine he may want to first get married,  THEN kids born of that marriage only.

May I compassionately suggest moving on. He is being thoughtful of your feelings.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree with those who say to let him go, but also, as someone with kids who got into a relationship with a guy with kids and still had that "wtf" moment, there are a few things to think about.

The above posters are right, that step situations aren't right for everyone. There are certain things that make it more likely to work, though. Your kids are young, and even if your next relationship is with a man with kids, the step situation may still be too much if either of you hasn't cleared the way for a new relationship.

How are your boundaries with your ex? Do you have a consistent schedule (mostly anyway?), or do the kids go back and forth based on how everyone feels at any given moment? It's unsettling to be in a relationship with someone with kids, and never know if or when the kids will show up. Do you and your ex keep communication to just what is necessary for the kids? Meaning, logistics, schedule planning, medical, and educational issues? Do you talk or text daily? Nobody wants their partner's ex to be a daily part of their lives.

What about expectations for the kids in the home? Are they allowed to "backtalk" or be disrespectful in any way? Do they sleep in your bed? Those were the main 2 issues for me. I had to have at least one place (the bedroom) that was adults-only. Even if you like the kids, you have to be able to have some peace and not feel "on" all the time and privacy is big. My SO's son saw me naked more than once because he came and went from the bedroom whenever he wanted.

Do you get any alone time with your partner? Having a date night just a few times a month was enough for me, but, getting the kids to bed and having an hour or so of alone time at the end of the day, every day unless there was something urgent like illness, made a big difference.

Also, in a true life partnership, "kids first" confuses some people into thinking that satisfying every want their kid has is the most important thing. In reality, the kids' needs come first but not necessarily their wants. This can be hard to navigate at first, especially when the kids seem to "need" attention. I struggle with this too, but you have to prioritize your reationship with your partner if you want the relationship to work. A strong couple leads to a stable household, which benefits the kids more than a chaotic life with new partners in and out. Some people also lean too hard on their kids when they are single for affection and companionship, leading to clashes over expectations when the parent finds a new partner.

These are things to think about in the future, even if your next partner also has kids. 

beautifulhope's picture

This is my first serious relationship post divorce.I appreciate your advice a lot!  I didn't exactly know how I would handle dating with kids and I think I did a pretty good job, but there was definitely a learning curve.  Also, the expectations just aren't the same.  My custody arrangement changed, so I had the kids full time and then with Covid, there was no school.  I paid $100+ for a babysitter once a week (sometimes 2x/week) and he came over at night 2x ish a week, then we did something with the kids on the weekends.  I know that a relationship requires an investment of time and effort.  And I also feel that my kids seeing me have healthy interactions with someone would be so positive.  This relationship has actually been very positive for them.  It also gave me the opportunity to talk about boundaries, dating, set expectations for healthy realtionships, etc. with the kids.  And also that sometimes people come into our lives and we learn from each other and then go our different ways.  It's a good lesson in boundaries.  I've said from the beginning that it takes a long time to get to know someone and we only want someone who is an AMAZING AMAZING fit and that even if you love someone, sometimes you need to say goodbye.  (whew).  I just need to remind myself of that.  

 

The boyfriend (soon to be ex boyfriend), most likely had a beautiful relationship with each of them.  But, the reality is that it IS tiring.  Gosh, comparing it to prekids life is NO comparison.  And comparing dating someone with very little time vs. someone with most of their non work time open, is just so so different.  

 

I agree that a strong couple leads to a stable household.    I never would have been able to start dating with my current custody arrangement and I need to get my life back in balance before even going in that direction.  But, all in all, it's been a wonderful growth and learning experience.... and def. a transition.  

 

He still hasn't made up his mind.  I wanted him to feel sure about his decision instead of me making it for him, so he has no regrets.  But, hearing he wants a traditional relationship and that doesn't see it within my family structure... I'm feeling like it might be kinder to end it for him.  

 

Relationships are worth it, but figuring them all out can be so darn difficult! 

beautifulhope's picture

Thank you, Futuro.  These are really good points.  Pepole send all these tips my way!!  I value them all.  Truly, thank you.  

He never watched the kids or had any responsibility.  We were still very much dating.  He had just started to be at the house with the kids (before maybe a month or two ago, everything was in the community with the kids - or he came over after they were asleep). 

I truly didn't know how this dating thing would go... and wasn't needing traditional.  We have a family friend who has been with her partner for 7 years (?) and they never combined families.  She has 5 kids, but he's never met them.  So, going into dating, I was open to traditional or non traditional.  He wants traditional though.  

I was just kind of doing what felt right though.  It's really helpful to read the tips!!

beautifulhope's picture

Thank you so much for sharing your experience!  This is something we had talked about.  Supporting each other to grow, while we didn't have clarity and ust doing little to nothing involving the kids.  

 

It's ultimately his decision to make, though, because he may want to be open to pursue a more traditional relationship, if he really thinks we are done.  

Rags's picture

While a committed adult equity life partnership should never be the second place priority to anyone or anything, the fact is that if someone without kids is going to be in a relationship with someone with prior failed family children a big part of that adult relationship is about the kids.  They should not be the top relationship priority but they have to be the top relationship responsibility.

I struggled with the idea of being an instant dad after my future DW and I started dating.  And I loved the kid.  He was 15mos old when we met and started dating. We married the week before he turned 2yo. He was great.  I did have what I have described as a visceral reaction to his presence.  It was equatable to an Animal Planet special on lions where when a new male takes over a pride of lions they kill the young cubs of their predecessor in order to get the females to start estrus and to focus the efforts and resources of the pride on providing for the new male's progeny.  Fortunately, as a human I can make far different choices than can a lion.  It really was an intense feeling at the time.  I am so lucky that I worked through it.  If I hadn't, I would have missed the best things in my life. My wife, and my kid.

I realized that if I was going to be able to make a life with the amazing young woman who would become my bride, I had to commit  just as strongly to her son. So, I chose to raise him as my own.

26+ years later we have all had a great life.  My SS is now 28 with a successful USAF career that is approaching 10 years. His mom and I are very proud of him.  

We would not have the marriage we have if I had rejected her son.  As it worked out, I raised him as my own since before he turned 2yo.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

If this man is either unwilling or incapable of including your children in his relationship with  you or refuses to be a key adult in their lives and to share his life with them, do yourself, this man, and your kids a favor and end it.  And I mean end it. No booty calls, no backsliding.  Put him behind you and your children and move on.

Good luck.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It sounds like you and BF are approaching this in a healthy way.

The point of dating is to decide whether you are compatible. You have determined that you'd be comfortable in a traditional or non-traditional structure. Your BF has determined that he is only comfortable with traditional, and he's iffy on the "instant parent" piece (can't say I blame him at all).

Neither of you are having ugly fights about this. Neither of you are in a rush to end or fix the relationship. You're letting things plot out as they may without ultimatums or threats.

I don't have much advice for you other than to keep doing this and take to heart what Rumple said above. Figure out what you want, make that abundantly clear to any future partners, and develop a healthy understanding of the role of a new partner with your kids (and set appropriate boundaries with your kids in relation to your partner). Very rarely does someone WANT to be a stepparent; we usually just make the best of the situation. Keep that in mind going forward, and you'll be 70% of the way there.

Also, if your BF wants to talk things out, send him this way. We can offer insight.

still learning's picture

...he's been vacillating a lot. 

He either wants a life with you or he doesn't.  He's already told you that he doesn't. How long are you going to let him "vacillate" in and out of you and your children's lives? You don't deserve this and your daughters shouldn't have to see potential step daddy's coming and going.  Sounds like you want to "keep sweet" and let him run the show.  

Right now, I'm giving him space and letting him make his own decision.  I feel like it's his to make. 

Yes, he needs to make his own decision about his part in the relationship but you do too.  Letting him come and go, giving him space then letting him come back for sex is just prolonging the break up.  In the future I'd advise you to keep your parenting and dating lives separate until you know for sure that this is someone who is okay with kids in the picture.  

beautifulhope's picture

Yah. Initially, he was really excited about kids in the picture, honored to meet them, etc.  But, the reality hit different.  And not right away.  Maybe 6 months after (?)  I'm still figuring this out.  But, I don't know how anyone can know if they are comfortable with life with the kids until they meet the kids and experience what it's like.

 

I'm also trying to decide what to do.  I don't think anyone is "running the show."  I think we are both just trying to be honest with each other, go slowly and get clarity.  I asked him not to make a decision for me, but to tell me where he's at so I could make my own decision, based off of that info.  And that when either of us gets clarity, we'll finalize it or create a plan to finalize it.  I feel like a breakup is probably going to happen soon, but I don't know if prolonging a breakup is the worse thing ever (kind of like weaning yourself off of something).  I actually went really slowly getting out of my marriage, too.... making sure I had 100% clarity before finalizing the split.  It brought me a lot of peace and confidence in the decision.  

 

That being said... neither of us know what we are doing.  Def. imperfect.  Although, as long as we are kind and respectful and honest......  I think we'll be ok.  Hopefully.  And I can't imagine it's TOO bad of an example for the kids. Reading all the comments is part of the process of deciding if I want to make the decision if he doesn't.  And him vacillating doesn't mean we've been having sex.  We haven't since he decided he needs space a few weeks ago.  

beautifulhope's picture

I appreciate the devil's advocate. We are supposed to talk tonight and I'll ask him directly.

I think my kids are a lot, but kind hearted and try hard to be good and polite.  Other people seem to like them and invite us all over.  Honestly, I think few people know what they are getting themselves into when they have kids.  We've hung out with his friends before who have kids and he's seen how my girls just blend in with the other kids.  The difference is an afternoon vs. 24/7.  I also worked with kids with behavioral issues for years and it was SO easy at work, yet I find myself tired with them also and having to be VERY intentional about self care and boundaries. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Kids are often at their worst when they are at home. They also may have been less themselves/more polite when first introduced to your BF, but now that he's not new and is around more, they're behaving normally. Normally may not be bad, but it may be too much for a non-bio/adoptive parent.

Think of it like having to live with your mother versus your mother-in-law. You'd likely be able to tolerate your mother better because you love her, have history together, you know how she ticks so you don't get offended or wonder about the things she says. But your MIL? That history isn't there, and it's a 50/50 shot on whether you'll gel together quickly or if it's going to be a (hopefully polite) struggle.

I also want to mention that bio/adopted kids tend to refill a parent's emotional well even though they also drain it. The "I did all these things but it was worth it when they hugged me and told me they loved me" scenario.

SPs RARELY get that from their SKs, even though they tend to do a lot of parental work. Over time, their emotional well drains faster and faster, and it never fills up nearly as much or as quickly as the parental well. It's even more draining if you love your SKs because you may never get any recognition for it.

I am a SM who doesn't mind being a SM. I enjoy and love my SKs. They are genuinely good kids with their own quirks. I am maternal at heart (trying to have babies now, in fact). BUT, even with all the want and the majority of my life being spent in a step family via my parents, I STILL get drained. I'm not trying to brag, but I am "best case scenario SM" and I STILL break down over those kids and this lifestyle. And I KNEW going in that it would be hard.

So, definitely talk to him about how your girls act, but understand that even if they're angels that it may still be too much. He, and other folks you date, may just not have the capacity.

If he does tell you things your kids do that are upsetting for him, take it at face value and see if those behaviors need correcting. A good question to ask yourself is "how would I feel and correct this action if their teacher told me about this?" If the behavior would be unacceptable for a teacher or a grandparent, then it's unacceptable for a SP, too. A SP is just an in-law; they likely can't and won't ever have the same tolerances and love that you do.

beautifulhope's picture

To clarify, my girls don't have severe behavioral issues.  But, coming in to work with them for a few hours was a piece of cake, vs. 24/7 with my typically developing kids who are considered relatively well behaved. 

Misstepped's picture

Beautiful hope you sound like you have the right expectations and you can emphasise and see how it must be for the non bio, tiring! And it is just that tiring, draining, sometimes depressing. Many of us here have partners who simply can't understand our struggles no matter how we try and put it. You have done that and it's still too much for him.

I now have a child of my own and I'm also a SP (the SP part I do regret, and if I could go back I wouldn't have dated him at all) But that's because of him seeing our relationship as something that must always take a back seat and come last, the arguments over how I'm supposed to love them like my own, and why don't I want to spend all my downtime with them here. I hear about how great and placid they are from him, yet what is experience is not placid! It's 2 small kids arguing and carrying on all wknd. Telling me what the rules are and taking up every last inch of downtime. It's not relaxing! This is the difference. With my bio it's hard work but I enjoy it, with the steps it's hard work and I don't enjoy it and then I have a partner who can't understand why I don't enjoy it.

You sound normal, a rarity in the bio parent world, and if it's too much for him now then yes, set him free. If he comes back off his own back after being set free, and after already experiencing what life is really like then it's on him. (The old "you knew what you were getting into" only second time around he would know)

Don't wait for him though. Step life is hard and I'd give my right arm to have me, my baby and my partner to myself. He still has an opportunity at making a first family so he will likely look to do that with someone new one day. 
 

You will be okay without him! Hugs

 

Momma788's picture

I think the relationship should have ended 6 months ago. I'm sorry but he's been feeling this way for a while. All kids are exhausting no matter how well behaved they are. As a mother or father we see our bio kids differently from the way outsiders see them. I too started out as a SM no children but I established from the beginning I wanted children of my own and to get married. If he did not agree I was walking away. It's been a long and tough road. You might need someone older who understands more or someone with kids. I personally think it's best you just rip the bandage off quick because if you keep him around while he's trying to decide he'll be using you for sex and once in a while companionship until a more convenient woman without kids comes along. It will be worse for you in the end. Your children are young have you ever thought of taking a break maybe till the get a little older? Is there anything you want to do or accomplish? I just think next time you find yourself in this situation you definitely have to make sure the guy is ok with it but with childless men in their early to mid 30s they tend to have a lot of options. There are lots of single dads or older men who are still attractive and will be more understanding. I think you need to do what's best for you. I definitely see his point of view here but a decision needs to be made. For you as well. It's going to be hard to be a mom and maintain your life if you have this guy you love and want to be with coming in and out hurting you and confusing you. 

beautifulhope's picture

Thanks, guys!  I have been so impressed with the caliber of responses.  I think I'm getting closer to ending it.  But, I really do just need to have that peace in my heart.  So, I'm just waiting until I get it.  I'm sure I will.... I do believe that things get revealed.  

 

Last night, we talked and I actually read him all the responses.  This is a veiwpoint I wish I had explored a little more before we started dating.  A lot of it he really resonated with, too.  And we were able to talk about boundaries and what parts made it difficiult with the kids, etc.  

 

I'm not rushing into anything else right now, but I do want to rush into my own self care.  (if that makes sense).  Whether we stay in limbo or have certainty, that needs to be top.  And boundaries for myself and the kids.  

 

Rags's picture

Be wary of sustaining a relationship with someone who has told you he is done.  I ignored my XW when she said she was done while we were dating.  I pretty much ignored her and we kept doing what we always done in our relationship.  A few months later we got engaged and married about 6mos after that. If I had accepted her ending it, I would have avoided so much angst and drama.

Be careful.

Take care of  you.

beautifulhope's picture

Endgame  "Remember that the best forest guide is not the one who stayed on the path but the one who was lost & now knows every inch of the forest"  I love this so much!  I will check out the show.  Thank you for your honest and supportive response!

 

Rags - Thank you for this!  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  If anything, this has taught us that our boundaries were way off.  He wasn't taking time for himself, but I also wasn't taking time for myself.  I can't give that up for a relationship, again.  And distance does make the heart grow stronger.  I love him so much right now, that it could be easy to attach myself to the fantasy, not the reality.  

Rags's picture

True equity life partners who chose to make their life together can continually create and renew an evolving fantasy.  No one can do that alone, withing the context of a marriage to a partner lacking in so many of the ways that we see in the blended family marriage world.

relationshipguru's picture

He is setting you free. This is a good thing. It is a lot to ask of someone to raise someone else's children when their other parent is still alive, well and involved.  Not everyone is ready for an instant family. It sounds great at first but once reality sets in it is a much different story. It is exhausting working full time and having children, let alone children who are not yours. Add on the drama of the mingling other birth parent and there are quickly more cons than pros. Please do not try to force this. He sounds like a decent person who works hard, has goals and whom gave it his best try. Please try not take it personally.

SecondNoMore's picture

And that's a nearly impossible task when it comes to break-ups, but honestly when one person has kids and the other doesn't, that can be the deal-breaker no matter how great everything else is.... and to be honest, the mere presence of the kids and an ex can overshadow all of the good things. I am in your BF's shoes... single, never-married, no kids, dated one guy for a year with kids and would never, ever do it again, no matter how great of a catch the guy is. People who are divorced with kids have been around the block and some of us without those experiences want to be able to go through dating or a courtship that is in no way intruded upon by the distraction of children... let alone trying to build a life together after that.

There are few absolutes in love/relationships, but I honestly think for the most part that you should date someone in a similar place in life. You read the stories of so many women here who were in your BF's shoes who went ahead with the relationship and many have regrets about that decision because it seems to never end with kids. You don't want to be anyone's regret... you want to be one of the best things to happen in someone's life.