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BF mad at me because of SS

Cookieboom's picture

As you know BF won 50/50 and SS refused to go with him.  He is broke and has to move.  He is going from a huge condo to a small studio apartment.  He asked me to help him move, especially SS's things as he had about 15 storage boxes of toys never opened and not touched for years as well as hundreds of new children's books never cracked open.  BF asked me to get rid of things when SS wasn't around.  Two days ago we loaded the truck when he changed his mind last minute, saying SS would be mad at him.  I told him he has no room in the new apartment and SS hasn't touched them in years and we need to just do it.  He said you're right and we dropped off at a family homeless shelter, the homeless children went wild with excitement.  BF said he felt good with helping the children and getting rid of the stuff.  

Two days later, BF is mad at me, accusing me of making him throw SS's stuff away, and SS will be mad when he visits.  We had a huge fight and he got really mean, I suggested we take a break.  He called our therapist and she had us come in.  What a nightmare.  He yelled the whole time, said SS is a victim of BM, he's a good boy and he will not give up on him.  

He accused me of treating him the way BM did (he was describing how I treat him but was really describing how she treated him).  Therapist said she's worried about our relationship, that his anxiety and pleasing SS is going to ruin us, he yelled at her that he will not give up on SS.  

She told me he is going through a lot, has lost everything bc of the custody battle, and we need to work on us.  I felt nothing was dealt with, and I feel like all I have done for him through this battle was for nothing!  I feel like crap right now....

Cookieboom's picture

That SS treats him like sh%*, which he denied to therapist.  We did not get rid of all of SS's things, he still has a HUGE amount of stuff.


CastleJJ's picture

Sounds like your BF is projecting his past issues with BM onto his current issues with you. Unfortunately, it sounds like BF will also be a forever "Disney Dad" because he is too afraid to open his eyes and realize that SS is lost to PAS and there is nowhere to go but down from here. So instead, BF is going to do literally everything he can, including hoarding toddler toys until SS is an adult, just to prevent the guilt, anger, and resentment from creeping in. AND, SS' poor attitude and bratty, entitled, shit behavior is going to be dismissed because actually parenting or any attempt at discipline will result in SS running further to BM. SS will continue to rule the roost and get away with it because he knows how to play BF like a fiddle. 

Are you sure this relationship is worth it? I don't see a win-win for you in this scenario. BM is a lunatic who almost cost you your job, SS is a lost cause, and BF is financially destitute due to a losing custody battle (even with 50/50) because the kid is PASed out. Now, BF is projecting all of his unresolved issues on you. I don't see a brightside here for you. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I am so sorry! You stood by this man at great personal cost - how dare he treat you this way! I am mad on your behalf. Maybe it would be good to take some kind of break so you can both get some clarity. I think it is only natural to think that things will get better once court is over, but often that is not the case. Unfortunately, your BF is not showing any signs of making any progress in how he is going to be handling his son, which is what it is goint to take in order for things to work for the two of you. Sending a warm hug.

JRI's picture

I haven't read your prior posts, but this relationship sounds like a lot of work.  Are you sure you want to stick around?   It sounds like this boy isnt even into his teens and I hate to think how things will be then.

Cookieboom's picture

I am not sure anymore if this is worth it.  SS is now a teen.  When I met BF, he bought  a nice house in the burbs when BM left with her married boyfreind and gave up rights to SS (BF did not listen when I told him to go to court) and two cars, a great IT job.  Kissing BM/SS's butt.  BM found out about me and told him to dump me or he would never see SS again. (BM got dumped by married man, she came back, took SS away, ruined my relationship with SS, had judge order back CS from BF although SS was living with him).

He refused to dump me, she dragged us through court, SS refuses to have anything to do with me.  My freinds told him to give up on SS and let him come to him, his freinds/family told him to fight fight fight. 

He sold house and got a condo.  He now had to sell condo, has no money, depleted his retirement money for this kid, sold one car and is going into a teeny tiny studio apartment and refuses to get rid of SS's junk.  It looks like he may have to file bankruptcy in the near future.  Therapist asked him if he wants to break up and he cries and says no, but his actions/yelling at me/blaming me for his issues with SS say otherwise.  He cries like a baby when I tell him I can't take his treatment of me anymore.  He openly admits that he "cowers" to BM when I comment "You would never talk to BM this way"


AgedOut's picture

I'm worried about you. You've gone above and beyond for this man and in return you've gotten verbally abused. What do you get out of your relationship? Where do you see it headed in 5 or 10 years? I know you've invested a lot of yourself into it and that scares me because you are just as important as he is, as his ghost child is. Please make sure you put yourself at the top to your list, you deserve it not just from yourself but from him as well.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This guy and BM are both a mess. So is SS. Your SO isn't capable of managing his own life and he sure isn't  capable of protecting you from BM and SS, or, doing much of anything for you. You are a nurse, right? Not to be stereotypical, but i bet you are a caretaker. Helping people comes naturally to you. But - they have to want the help and be willing to participate in their own rescue. Otherwise you are just dragging yourself down to try and fix a lost cause. 

Cookieboom's picture

I am a nurse, but I have tried not to get sucked into the drama.  I know that if he doesn't get his head out of his a$$ he will lose everything.  

CLove's picture

Your exit strategy.

Hes yelling at you.

Hes financially unstable, and sounds emotionally unstable. I know you love him, but love isnt enough.

With all the court battles and PAS, I dont see this getting better.

Please take care of YOU.

simifan's picture

This BM has some serious mental health issues; there is a reason the locker room saying is "Don't put your d!@$ in crazy." I've followed your saga & this BM will never allow your SO to find peace, even if he finds a way to get his balls out of BMs purse. He is losing everything piece by piece & is between a rock & a hard place. Unfortunately, there is is little to do when the courts do not help & BM hates the ex more then she loves her children. The best solution is not to play; although, even then they are still victims, as have to give up on their child.I feel incredibly sorry for him & those like him that BMs & the courts serious screw over. The system sucks. 

If SO is going to resent & blame you instead of the true aggressor, I really can't see how you benefit from continuing on in this relationship. Even without counting your current issues, I would seriously consider leaving this relationship. You will never have peace while you are with this man. BM will never allow it.  Take care of you. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Just think (make a list) of all the great things you could do and experience if you were free from this mess 

ESMOD's picture

I'm not sure i understand.. I saw that your BF got 50/50 custody.. but I don't understand the change in apartments..

Is your BF moving to a smaller place now that he has more custody?  that doesn't seem like a logical move on his part if he is... and I hope you aren't going to be living in that smaller space with the two of them when his kid is there.. a studio in my exp is just basically one all purpose room.. no separate bedroom at all.. and maybe a small kitchen and a bathroom.. 

A studio is suited to a single person.. maybe a couple.. but that's tight.. it is not suited to a child and parents!

maybe I'm not getting that reasoning or the situation?

On the donation side.. certainly your So should not be feeling any guilt for giving away clothes.. toys and books that his son has well outgrown.. or had for a long time without showing any interest. Unless they were collectables that were important to the child.. sentimental gifts.. I don't see the problem with downsizing to just things he would use currently!

Cookieboom's picture

Have more custody.  He won 50/50 and SS is refusing to see him other than the one weekend night and 9 hours during the week.  BF out of money and can't fight anymore legally.  He's more worried about SS being mad at him bc we donated his stuff.

ESMOD's picture

When you say he was just ordered 50/50.. he does have more custody awarded.. but due to SS's refusal.. he isn't actually getting what he was awarded.. I sort of understood that part.. the moving to a smaller place after he supposedly would be entitled to more custody than he previously had been awarded (I know the kid is saying he wont come).. 

He ought to worry more about holding his EX's feet to the fire because if a kid is young enough to be worried about toys and kid's books.. he is young enough to "make" him go to Dad's.. and if mom isn't then she should be hit with contempt.

Survivingstephell's picture

I think she is saying he blew all his money on the legal fight and is dirt poor and got nothing but a piece of paper that SS refuses to follow. 

ESMOD's picture

I went back and looked at the prior post.. and it does seem that the settlement and change was just supposed to happen like a month ago.. I mean.. has he really had time to work with his son on seeing him more.. ?

I actually don't much blame the kid for wanting to spend 50% of his time sleeping on a couch in a studio apt.. I mean.. it's no way for a kid to live.. go to school.. have space for his things.  

His dad should have over the last several years made sure this was something his kid would want too.. why did he not broach this with his teen/almost teen son? 

Honestly.. it sounds like her BF is not the sanest person for having pursued this with no idea of how he would make it work financially.. or whether the kid would even be interested in it.

The belongings were the least of the matter.. but that being said.. I would have told him to offer to his son to pack it up and give it to him at his mom's..or allow him to go through and look for things he wants to save.  The kid did say he would do "visitation".. just not 5050.. so could the clean out not have waited for him to have a chance to go through things.. as unused as they appeared to be?

Cookieboom's picture

BF tried to get him to go through everything and SS refused and wanted to keep everything. I told him to have him take to BM's house, but he was hesitant to tell SS to do that.

Winterglow's picture

So let him call the cops every time he goes to collect his son and he refuses to go. The cops can't force him to go but they DO have to draw up a report every time. Either he uses the repeated reports to nail BM for contempt or he can rejoice in sending the police to BM's door regularly for her neighbours' benefit.

Cookieboom's picture

That's what happened in a nutshell 

Cookieboom's picture

That's what happened in a nutshell.  SS is a teen now.

Ispofacto's picture

It sounds like BF has a lot of unprocessed trauma. He's not mad at you but you are a safe punching bag. You need to disengage. He can get rid of SS's stuff when he's emotionally ready. 

Kids slowly distance from their parents anyway as they grow up. You didn't mention SS's age. As a teen he has five-ish years left before he is an adult.

This boy is lost to PAS. BF needs to put down the rope. Let SS know he's there for him when he's ready. Go through a mourning process. Then relax and enjoy his life.

SS will appreciate the relief from drama if BF disengages from both BM and SS and goes NC.


Cookieboom's picture

Suggested letting go of SS and he said he will not do that 

Winterglow's picture

Heck... all he has left to lose is you at this point. If he won't let go then why TF doesn't he show his teeth and stand up to his ex? Why doesn't he force visitation? Why doesn't he punish his brat for the appalling insults to you? What is he actually doing to change the situation apart from feeling sorry for himself and giving the lawyers all of what he has? Doesn't he understand that HE has to fight too and not just think that a lawyer will do it all for him, painlessly?

Give up. He is so fixated on his dream that he has forgotten the angel that he has at home. Idiot.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

"What is he actually doing to change the situation apart from feeling sorry for himself and giving the lawyers all of what he has?"

He's lashing out at OP and throwing tantrums like a great big baby, that's what. What a prize he is! 

Rags's picture

Recently a wise STalker made a comment something along the lines of It is not that I don't care. It is that I cannot afford to care anymore because it is damaging to me. (Paraphrase-ish)

So, when is enough enough?


Notthedoormat's picture

Throw in the towel, but eI do think it sounds like it's time, probably past time.

There come times we have to think what we want our lives to look like and what we can do to create that vision in reality.  I can't imagine what he realistically expects at this point. 

I completely understand fighting for your child, but the PAS is deep and a lot to overcome.  If he thinks "winning" looks like going broke to get a piece of paper that says your right but your living situation deteriorates and you still don't get the time with your child that you were awarded,  it wasn't worth the investment.  And his son will only be resentful.  He can take a step back from his son and not "give up"'s giving the kid a chance to breathe and will give your BF a chance to reflect on what reality looks like now.

Getting rid of stuff he no longer has room for and SS has outgrown anyway is just something that has to be done from time to time, regardless.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'd definitely suggest you take a step back from your BF and reflect, too. Maybe do a few individual counseling sessions to get your footing and decide what direction you want to go in.

Either way, if you choose to stay, you need to make it clear to BF that you're not his verbal punching bag and if he wants to yell at someone he should move along.  I'd also make it clear that dealing with issues that involve SS are no longer something you will keep blame away from your feet if there's another situation that needs someone to be responsible for.

He's made a mess of his life and he needs to start the clean up, but you're not his maid.

Do something nice for yourself because you clearly deserve it!

ndc's picture

What are you getting out of this relationship? What is so special about your boyfriend that being with him is worth the drama of BM and SS (they tried to screw with your livelihood!!), and now verbal abuse from him? What are we missing here?

SteppedOut's picture

OP you are worth more than all of this endless bullcrap.

SteppedOut's picture

OP you are worth more than all of this endless bullcrap.

eta: twice for full effect, lol

shamds's picture

Intentionally and at that point and even now is more a liability than an asset. Its easy for his family to pressure him to fight it out in court when its not them paying the court/lawyer costs and going into debt because of it, its not his family who have to deal with unstable vindictive exwife.

your partner is running himself to the ground and expecting you to be his backup plan. Thats a big no for me. If he is in a committed relationship with you, he doesn't have the luxury of playing Russian roulette 

Cookieboom's picture

Thank you for all your advice.  This happened like a week ago, we have been going to therapy and things are better.

We also agreed that he needs to move and get rid of the stuff by himself, he knows he has no room for it and SS has outgrown the stuff and it needs to go.  He has been moving every day (the little stuff) and once everything is gone we will move the big things together. 

He has apologized for the way he behaved and is doing good moving by himself, he told the therapist that he feels cathartic in throwing everything away. 

Therapist told him in addition to throwing away the stuff, he needs to throw away all of the feelings from BM and SS.

He told him he did all he could do with SS, nothing is working, SS is too far gone, and he needs to pull back and let SS go to him.  He has finally realized that this is something he needs to do (His friends from Germany said the same thing once they were redirected).

The therapist said he has seen this frequently with other families. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

My DH was the same, defending his SD's although they treated him and I like personal servants. He yelled at our therapist that he would not "punish" SD for her behavior (ie: consequences) or let her have any natural consequences from her own actions. He insisted on sweeping in and saving the day. 

Well, our therapist ghosted us. Then SD blew up at him and refused to speak to him or come over. Now he is finally turning his enabling behavior around. All it took was a couple of heart attacks and seeing that his kids don't give a shit about him, yet I was there for him every step of the way. 

I think what your DH needs is a wake up call - a brutal one. How about you put his stuff on the curb and change the locks while he is at work? Tell him that even though his kids don't have any consequences for their actions, that HE lives in the REAL WORLD, where your decisions have consequences. He made his choice. Let him live with his precious failed spawn.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You know your life's a sh!tshow when your therapist ghosts you! They probably needed to run for the sake of their own mental health!

Not to insult you BTW, but your DH's situation with his kids sounds like a mess! Much like my SO's brothers.