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Being expected to overStep?

Auberry2's picture

Ok, so, it is almost Mother's Day, and DH brought up the topic of SS6's kindergarten Mother's Day Tea.

Every year in our elementary school the kindergarteners put on a mothers day tea for their moms. It is a cute little musical production about how much they love their mommies and then they deliver tea, cookies, and a gift to their mom and have snack time with them. I remember BS9's being just adorable.

DH brought the subject up because he was asking me if I knew the exact day and time so he could email BM with the details, but since the school has not released said details I of course was not able to give him the info. Anyway, after we establish that I do not have the details he goes onto say to SS6 "If mommy can't go to your Mother's Day Tea, how would you feel about Auberry going?" SS6 gave the worlds longest moment of silence before he answered, glancing sideways from me to DH in the way he does when I am certain he is weighing wether or not to disappoint daddy, and then answers in this huge over the top excited baby voice "YES, YES, YES!! Auberry, Auberry, Auberry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" To me it sounded forced, but that could just be me.

I honestly felt like he wasn't too keen on the idea but didn't want to tell his dad that he doesn't want me to come because then DH would nag him about why SS6 didn't want me to come. (And DH definitely would have nagged him) Also, the idea of it made me super uncomfortable. I am not SS6's mother. I am his caretaker, but that is about it, and that is only on the really good days, lol. SS6's mother is in the picture, she is terrible, but she is in the picture. SS6's loyalty is naturally to her. I don't feel right showing up at a mother's day tea when I am not mom, not seen as mom, and not trying to be a replacement for mom. I am sure,if BM doesn't go and I do, it will cause problems because when BM finds out (and she will) she is going to go ape about me going. And honestly, I wouldn't blame her. I am not sure that it is my place.

I feel like there is this huge expectation from DH and his family for me to over step and try to replace BM. I don't like BM, she is a deplorable mother in my opinion, but she is still his mother and she is still in the picture, which makes it not ok for me to try to step in where she belongs. Am I right or wrong about this? I am his main caretaker, and chances are she won't be bothered to show up, but it just feels off to me. SS6 has been through a lot recently with BM PASing and causing problems. Stirring up more would not help. I just don't know what to do, these stepparenting waters are so tricky to wade...

SMof2Girls's picture

I have a similar situation except that our BM is very much involved and is the CP. DH's family HATES her. They hated her when they were married, and they've only grown to despise her even more since they've divorced.

They want me to step in and be this super replacement mom all the time. I do like my skids .. we get along great .. I do my best to build positive relationships with them. But I'm not their mother. They have one already, and barring a handful of things, she's generally not a TERRIBLE mom.

Luckily his family isn't local, so all their input happens from a distance. But in your shoes (and mine), I would not attend a Mother's Day event at the skids' school.

Auberry2's picture

In our situation DH is CP, but BM has visitation and in spite of the fact that she does everything she can to not take care of her son, she is still there. If she were entirely absent it would be different for me, my son won't be having any kind of Mother's Day event, only the kindergarteners do it, so I would go, but in the situation we are in, I don't see my attendance as being healthy in anyway.

Anne Boleyn's picture

Oh man! What a horribly sad story. This killed me "They came down the "runway" in skin tight jeans and trashy tank tops and I could tell SD was mortified." Poor kid. She's lucky she has a non-trashy lady in her life.

proudstepmommy's picture

I had a similar situation last year. SD was 9 at the time and had been doing really well in school... So, as with what the teacher did with all kids doing well in class, SD was the big cheese for the week. DH and I knew this a could not be more proud. One day (early on that week). SD called and asked if I could come and be her special guest that Friday... I was honored, but asked her what her BM said... Unfortunately BM could not break away from work. So SD asked me if I could come, bring brownies, and her favorite book to entertain the class. It was truly special. While I wish BM would have been able to go (it would have meant a lot to SD), I'm glad SD felt close enough to me to ask as well (and I could tell that meant a lot to her too).

Honestly I couldn't really care about BM, but if it effects SD in any way... I would support BM being there for her at all cost, even if it meant me stepping out of the way. Unfortunately BM does not always feel she needs to be there or not (even if she's not at work)...so DH and I step up as being there for SD. Just see my post a few weeks ago where BM did not show up to SDs sports awards banquet (on a weekend nonetheless).

Auberry2's picture

If SS6 really wants me there and BM won't come, I will consider going. I don't want him to be the kid weigh no one to serve tea and cookies to, but since BM is local I won't commit to anything until I am 100% sure she isn't coming. She live forty-five minutes from us and she usually uses the distance as an excuse to not attend events, but every now and then she does show up. I want her to attend for SS6's sake, because it would mean a lot to SS6.

BM gocuses a lot of her crazy on me not because of me overstepping, but because when DH and I got together he stopped asking her how high when she said jump. Before me he catered to her every whim and since me he has started expecting her to be a grown up. It has caused some problems to say the least. La, the things some parents will put their kids through.

luchay's picture

I think I agree with this - IF BM isn't going then offer to SS (when your OH isn't there!) to go. It would be terrible for the poor kid to have NO-ONE there.

And if BM can't get off her arse to attend then she really has no grounds to complain if you do.

Step-Volgirl's picture

I understand your situation! If BM can't attend, why not see if one of SD's grandmothers could go with you or in BM's place? Maybe having that other person there will be enough of a buffer to avoid any tension.

Hopefully, BM will be able to go and the problem will solve itself!