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Being called Grandma by a child I'm not even remotely related to

Old sm's picture

SD's mother was involved with ALOT of men so SD has nothing but half-siblings; my kids included. She has a half-sibling that has a child with alot of mental issues.  We socialize infrequently; mainly when SD has some kind of party and we are all invited. We all get along but this half sister and my husband are much closer than I am to this girl; he raised her for a few years being married to her mother.   I don't have any issue with that, either.

Now, this half-sibling's parents are out of the picture so this child never sees her mother's parents-the maternal grandparents. I don't know the relationship with the father's parents either.

This little girl is school age but functions at a mental level about 2-3 years behind her age. She's a sweet kid but I don't think of her as a relative; she's SD's niece in my mind.

So we're all together the other day and SD wants the child to take something to me and starts to tell the child to take this object to me and she pauses bc even tho I've been around this child, I don't have any real connection or relationship with the girl; I don't have any title.  So SD says "Well, if Dad is going to be Grandpa (he's thrilled by the title, BTW) I guess you're going to be Grandma." and proceeds to start teaching the child that I am her grandmother.  Mentally, I don't think the child has any concept of what is going on but I didn't correct anyone bc I don't want to hurt this girl or cause some scene.

I have really mixed feelings about all this. I'm not the child's grandmother; I don't think they should be using that title for me. I think that they are setting the child up for massive confusion later and SD and her sibling, while being well intentioned by doing this, didn't stop and think IF I wanted to be considered a grandparent.   I think what aggravates me the most is the assumption that I would be thrilled about this like DH and now I'm wondering if they are expecting me to do "grandmother" things for this child.

After all these years of being told SD is not my daughter because I'm not her real parent, suddenly I'm grandmother to a child that's no relation to me at all.

 

twoviewpoints's picture

With the Sd taking the pause, IMO she wasn't sure what to refer to you as. 

You could have spoken up and simply said 'I'm Mary (whatever your name ______) and smiled at the girl. 

No, you don't have to be called Grandma. What does SD call you (I mean what she calls you when she is being kind and not mean)? Your first name/ A nickname? 

No, just because the girl was instructed one time to carry something over to *pause*... Grandma" doesn't need to be repeated nor does it mean you are now expected to think of or treat the girl as a grandmother. 

As you said, you rarely are around this girl. The next time you are you can simply smile and introduce yourself as Mary (whatever your name really is). 

No need to make a big deal out of it. And no need to confuse the girl. You can simply be Mary. The nice lady with the pretty smile. The girl's relatives can explain more if or when the girl inquires. 

hereiam's picture

It doesn't matter what they expect, if you don't want to do grandmotherly things for this kid, don't.

The next time the girl calls you Grandma, you could politely tell her that she can just call you...(insert your preference). 

I don't even feel grandmotherly towards my SD's kids, so I know how you feel.