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Bedroom safe place

Nsp's picture

I am getting ready to move in with my bf and soon to be sd and ss. My bf has made me feel comfortable and invited into their home but I am having some anxiety when it comes to allowing the kids in our bedroom. It feels like the only area in the house that can be mine and an escape. He usually lets the kids go and watch tv in the room and take baths in the bathroom. Is it unreasonable to ask him to enforce a no kids in our bedroom rule? I know they are going through so many changes, I feel badly for thinking about asking. But, I also want a space in the home that can be mine. 

Mommarobbins's picture

Tell him that it's going to be a huge adjustment for you as well as the kids so you would appreciate having a space that you can retreat you when you need some "you" time. He should respect that, I would think...

Nsp's picture

Thank you, both. I suppose I need validation that I am not acting unreasonably. Navigating new waters is definitely leaving me unsure. I appreciate your replies! 

Nsp's picture

Thank you, both. I suppose I need validation that I am not acting unreasonably. Navigating new waters is definitely leaving me unsure. I appreciate your replies! 

Whatamidoing10's picture

This is totally reasonable!! That's great to hear he's making you feel comfortable and welcome, too :)  "BF, I want to talk to you about me moving in, is this a good time for me to share some thoughts I have? I really appreciate how you've made me feel so welcome in your home. However, I'm feeling a little anxious about the prospect of not having a private bedroom/bathroom space. Having a private space to myself would make me feel very happy and at ease. Are you okay if the kids were to use another space for watching TV and going to the bathroom?"  

When I told BF the above I-m so happy he listened and put changes in place right away.  The kids may fight this and may not like it. My BF's kid still pushes back on it and tries to go in his room :) 

Cover1W's picture

When DH and I moved into our home, before we moved in to be clear, I discussed our master suite being a no kids space. I needed privacy, quiet sometimes, and it's our adult area. The SDs had their own rooms and their own bath. There was no need for kids in ours.

He agreed, but I had to enforce. It took YSD one entry without asking first to get it. It took me very sternly telling OSD to get OUT NOW and go back, knock again and WAIT for permission, three times one night. She would still come in sometimes. She left stuff on our bathroom counter once in the morning (I threw it all out) and once came in when I was dressing...get OUT until I tell you. Agh. 

Anyway make it non-negotiable with your SO. And let him know what you'll do if they violate it. And what he plans on doing to help you. Non divorced parents have kid free zones...not unusual. 

Picardy III's picture

I wouldn't *ask* for a kid-free bedroom space, I'd *insist* - make it a prerequisite for moving in. 

Are you moving into a home that he owns? Or sharing a rental? Either way, this will be your home too (and assuming you're paying toward it, in some form).

You shouldn't have to tiptoe around basic adult expectations for kid-free personal space. Even parents in intact families often make their bedroom and bathroom off-limits to their kids.

BethAnne's picture

That is totally ok to ask for in general. If though the bath is the only bath in the house you may have to make an exception for bath time but outside of the 30-60 mins the kids are bathing your room and bathroom are off limits. If they want to watch tv, move the tv into a different room (if there is not a tv somewhere else). If Dad wants to cuddle with his kids he can do it on the couch or on their beds. If the kids wake in the night and want Dad, they can knock on the door and Dad can go with them to their room to help them with what they need. I would STRONGLY encourage you to get your boyfriend on board with this now and for him to start introducing and enforcing these new rules BEFORE you move in. He should make sure to not blame you for the change in rules, but tell them it is a thing that he has decided on. Doing this before you move in has three outcomes. One, it shows you that your boyfriend is willing to make reasonable adjustments to his home and how he raises his kids to make you more comfortable. Two, it means that he can deal with the tough transition parts on his own and you do not have to.  And three it shows you that he is going to take one for the team and not throw you under the bus and blame uncomfortable changes on you, so that you can start your co-habiting relationship off with the children on a good footing. 

SittingPretty's picture

I think my favourite answer ever to this question was the person who said 'start sleeping naked and see how fast the problem gets resolved'.

 

Enforce the boundaries that you're comfortable with early and be firm about them. How old are your stepkids? I think especially with a stepson I'd be very firm on this. There's a tendency stepmothers have to not want to rock the boat but I would stand my ground. There should be one safe place for you in the house. Most people need some alone time and privacy! 

Nsp's picture

I think where I'm struggling is, I already have implemented changes in routines. An example being I forced a change in bedtime routines. We start now at 745 getting ready where they used to start at 815. I pushed to tackle bedtime  where we each take turns with one child as opposed to trying to put the oldest down first and then the youngest. And I changed that, we leave the room, no matter what at 830. Meaning, even if the kiddos are not asleep, we are out of the room. He used to wait in the sds room until she was asleep. 
 

I guess I am struggling with how much I feel like I am forcing change. I feel selfish and greedy. 

Winterglow's picture

Getting them into a routine, teaching them to respect other people's privacy does NOT make you selfish and greedy ... quite the opposite, in fact, yoiu are giving them life skills.

BethAnne's picture

Why are you doing bed time routines when you don't even live with this man yet? He should be doing bedtime routines. Occasionally if you want to join in for a bed time story then you can opt to, but there is no reason for you to be regularly involved in this. 

It is important that you are not taking on parenting roles. You can opt to do fun stuff if you want to and occasionally you can choose to help out with the odd bit of parenting if your boyfriend asks, you are available, you are comfortable doing it and you want to. But generally taking on parenting is not your job. Leave the vast majority of it up to your boyfriend. You are his lover, not his kid's nanny. 

still learning's picture

Yep, the parents bedroom and master bath is a KFZ Kid Free Zone.  Adult ss's would come in and hang out in our bedroom and use our bathroom when DH and I first married. I felt super violated and put an end to that fast! I didn't even let my own kids do that, they knew that they had to knock on moms door and use the bathroom in their hallway.  Mark your territory!  

Kes's picture

Please do not move in till you have your bf's assurance that your bedroom will be your own private space.  This is absolutely non-negotiable. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Love it!  I've been with my fiancé for 10 years and the skids have never been in our bedroom.  Just no.  That's where we have our special adult time and if It was made clear if he wants to have it, no skids in our room.  It's never been a problem.
 

Make it a hill to die in that he enforces!

jam's picture

My dh got the marital home in the divorce. When we married I sold my home and moved into his. My dh has three children: at that time ss was about 12, oldest sd about 18 and middle sd was about 16.

My first mistake was moving into what had been the marital home. To the skids, this home was their territory and the only reason for my presence was to cook, clean, do laundry, and be the personal chauffeur to my 12 year old ss. I was only the chief cook and bottle washer. No room was off limits for them. I was treated as an outsider, a person that had absolutley no authority nor any rights in what they viewed as THEIR home.

My ss lived with us. The middle sd lived with her mom but came and went from our home as she pleased. The oldest sd went to college but when she came to town my home was really not mine but hers.

a few examples:

My oldest sd called her dad and told him that she had told a friend of hers that she (the friend) could stay at her (my sd's) home during spring break. My sd would be staying at her mothers but her friend was told she could stay at my home. My dh then advises me and when I tell my dh that I really don't like that idea he simple tells me that he doesn't mind. I was treated more like a child and my sd was treated more like the wife. It also just so happened that I had scheduled time off work for the week of spring break. I ended up wasting a week off from work becuase I had my sd's friend in my home.

My msd would come into my home and help herself to what ever she wanted and did what ever she wanted to do. She came over to color her hair. She got hair dye on the bathroom carpet and my towels. She was invited to a friends to roast marsh mellows and hot dogs. She comes to our home and helps herself to our marsh mellow sticks which she did not bother to return. 

I had a radio in the kitchen. This was an under the counter radio that I had won at work. One morning I get up (I always get up early). I turn the radio on and go about my housework. When my ss gets up he changes the radio station that I was listening to.

From day one, I was put in a position of having to fight for what should have already been mine.

The following year after my sd had her friend stay at my home I was concerned she would repeat it. I told my dh that I did not want ANY of sd's friends staying at my home for spring break and that he needed to call her and let her know. I insisted that he had better call or I would.

I had had enough of the skids helping themself to what ever we had. Once my two sd's showed up and were walking out with video movies to watch at their friends house. While one of my sd's was standing there & saying her goodbye's while holding the movies,  I reached out and took them back while stating "I don't loan my movies out".

I have a ton of examples. The bottom line is the skids were overstepping boundaries and I was made to be the bad guy because I took a stand. I had to fight for what should have already been mine from the beginning.

Please do not walk on egg shells regarding this. Make your bedroom YOUR BEDROOM. It really is a hill to die on. If you don't now, I am sure you will regret it.

My advise (and of course this is only my opinion), find a nutrual home that you all can move in together and start fresh.

Good Luck Sweetie

Edited to add: I forgot to mention our bedroom. My ss felt that he could go into our room anytime and get into anything. I decided to put a stop to it. Ss was headed into my bedroom and advised me he was going to watch tv. I told him I would rather he did not. He did give me some verbal push back but I stood my ground and let him know that the bedroom was not his to do as he pleased. My ss would complain to my dh. ss would complain about me and add "AND THERE IS ONE ROOM I AM NOT ALLOWED IN"! My dh felt bad for his son. He repeatedly told me how ss felt overruled and that in his own home there was a room he was not even allowed in. I lost my cool and told my dh that ss comes into our room when we are in bed sleeping to let you know that he is home from what ever activity he was involved in. I went on to say that ss goes into our room and talks with you while you are getting ready for work (my dh works nights). I then went on to say the ONLY thing ss is not allowed to do is come in and go through things, or watch tv while wallowing & eating in OUR bed.

ESMOD's picture

I'm curious why dad's room and bathroom are being used for TV and showers..  Is this the only TV in the home?  Is there only one bathroom?  or only one with a shower or bathtub (depending upon what the kids take)?

As other's mentioned.. definitely ensure that you get this straight before you move in.. it will be an adjustment.  I don't think it is wrong at all to expect a level of privacy.  I mean, they are his kids.. but they aren't yours.. and you deserve to have privacy from unrelated persons.  I would make sure this is in practice before you move in too.. to see if your BF and his kids will actually follow through.

There may be some things you/he can adjust.. like if the need for tv watching is because there isn't an extra TV elsewhere.. that is a cheap fix right? worth my sanity. ..and you are likely bringing a TV or more that you already own... so put one in another room.. or even the kid's room.

 

Nsp's picture

They have their own rooms, bathroom, and there are TVs in almost every room in that house. They have a playroom w a tv too. I don't truly know the why behind our bedroom being used as the tv room. 

Picardy III's picture

I never actually minded SKs coming in our bedroom or using our bathroom. Maybe from growing up in a large family, in older homes where master suites were unheard-of: sharing the space and amenities itself was NBD. And when multiple people in the home need to shower, it makes sense to let kids use the master bathroom.

But - my stepkids are respectful and always knock, or ask for permission. And if they come in the bedroom to hang out, it's to talk to me/DH. They aren't out to invade my space or make me feel like I don't belong - and there's the rub.

Nsp's picture

I appreciate this perspective!! I need to keep in mind that they are kids and I don't think they are there to make me feel that way! They are good kids and are excited for me to be there (as they have stated) That comment lifted a huge weight! I feel like I can approach the convo more clearly now. Thank you!

Dogmom1321's picture

Don't move in unless your BF can make those boundaries. I understand he has kids, but he also needs to take into account your feelings. Do you really want to be getting out of the shower and BAM kids are watching tv or hanging out in your bedroom? You need privacy and a space to call your own. 

You don't go hang out in your SKs room. I'm sure they have spaces of their own (a playroom for toys, etc.) So there shouldn't be a double standard. You need YOUR own personal space as well. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. 

Harry's picture

Best way is  Selling house BM lived in and starting fresh.  So there no. " I allways used master bathroom.  I all ways did this or that.  Or Mon always did it this way.  We always put Christmas tree here, we always used these plates. We always did,did,did 

You will have a hard time changing anything in the house. Room color , furniture,  Are you getting a new bedroom set  saying by to the one they had sex on. ? Only way is new Fresh house, fresh rules 

Nsp's picture

Luckily, we have been in the process of redoing the house. New mattress, new bedroom furniture, etc. but I totally get that feeling!

Nsp's picture

Conversation went really well. Bf says he understands and recognizes more is changing for me than for him. Asked me what else he could do to make me feel safe and cared for. Thank you guys for the advice and support!! 

Rags's picture

Don't ask him. Tell him. Be direct.  "My bedroom has always been a kid free zone and will remain a kid free zone. If you do not agree, I will just keep my own place.".

End of discussion until he gains clarity and has your back on this.