Is this bad?
I have been a member for awhile and this is my first post. I have 2 step children, step daughter is 12 and step son is 18. My husband's ex-wife has mastered turning the kids against me. No matter what I do, it is never right and is often twisted into something negative/ugly. I am feeling completely defeated today. The attempts at being a part of their lives are done. I feel bad, but I am to a point where I am completely disconnecting. It has been a long 9 years. My SD doesn't even speak to me. She has a dance recital tonight and this is the first time I ever told my husband I am not going. I don't have it in me anymore, and honestly, have no desire for any more drama. His ex has worked so hard to prove me to that I am nothing in SD's life, she has won. I am raising the white flag and am defeated in every way. I think the final straw was on Mother's Day when SD brought over a "Family" scrap book, she made sure to show me and it had pages dedicated to her mom/dad/mom's boyfriend and of course I was not in her "family" scrapbook.
Is it bad that I have zero desire to continue to try? There has been so many mean and ugly words spoken over the years and so much done to turn her against me and her dad....I'm just done with SD/his ex and the entire situation. We have children together and I have a son from a previous.....this is where my heart and focus is. It feels good to actually say it out loud and look forward to peace in my future.
Can anyone understand where I am?
Thanks for listening.
Defeated & Done
kristykay, I feel really bad
kristykay, I feel really bad for you. You are obviously struggling with the decision you have made but it sounds as though it has been a long time coming. It is exhausting to try and prove yourself time and time again when there are others bringing you down. I think, if I can offer some advice, that you should make sure that when you disengage and decide not to attend things like SD's dance recital, that you should really work hard to do something for yourself instead. Don't sit around feeling bad. You don't deserve to feel bad.
I really hope that you find the peace you are looking for and, more than anything, I hope that you have your husband's support with this. He should understand. You are only human and you are the woman he loves.
x
Thank you Sam, it has been a
Thank you Sam, it has been a long time coming. My husband is supportive. Honestly, it just hurts. I have been very good to both of them over the years. I don't think this will ever turn around and I need to accept that.
Probably everyone here
Probably everyone here understands where you are. Tell the skids to eff off - nor verbally but in your mind.
They are not your children and you do not have to give a damn about them.
You are right, they are NOT
You are right, they are NOT mine. It just took me a long time to figure out that line and I plan to steer very clear of it now!
I don't blame you in the
I don't blame you in the least and I did the same thing myself. Lasted until the kids pulled their heads out of their butts (rare, please don't expect it to happen).
I am curious though. What was your DH's reaction to your SD leaving you out, putting moms boyfriend in and then intentionally grinding it into your face?
Thank you for the note. I'm
Thank you for the note. I'm pretty sure my husbands ex has permanently ruined any hope of a great relationship ever. You are a lucky one to have had it turn around. When people asked how many children I have in the past, I used to say 5. I have just begun to say 3, the SK's are not mine. I finally get it!
Thanks again.
Gosh! KristyKay, I feel
Gosh! KristyKay, I feel really bad for you. I can understand how hurtful and defeating it feels when someone aims to destroy you through CHILDREN!! I have a 14 year old step-daughter and a 12 y.o. step-son. (I have been with their father for 3 years but we just married June 1st! I think since I am a step-child myself I chose to begin my "step" relationship with these kids being disengaged from the beginning. I haven't been around them very much but when I am I do not engage UNLESS they make the first attempt. They have not been rude or mean to me except I did get a VERY EVIL eye from SD at dinner one night. It made be sick to my stomach, I thought I was going to cry! (I know what a whimp. But that one look had so much hate oozing from it!) The BM has instilled in them that I am to be hated because I am the one who took daddy from them. That is a completely different story....
But after reading your post, it does make me want to stay in the safe zone of not engaging. I will gladly be a part when I can, but I've had so much rejection and hurt in my life that I can't subject myself to that openly. I will take them in SMALL doses and "allow" them to have some of me when I feel like it is safe for ME! }:)
I understand, I do wish I
I understand, I do wish I would have had the perspective 9 years ago to start out disengaged....it would have saved a lot of heartache. I understand the look and I hope all goes well for you. Thank you for writing, I appreciate your perspective.
Thank you, it is sad to see
Thank you, it is sad to see so many facing similiar situations here. I guess I am not alone. I appreciate the advice, I plan to stay in the safe zone. Best wishes to you
LOL, thanks for making me
LOL, thanks for making me laugh. Your right, I am not obligated....I need to remember that daily!
I am starting to spit out the seeds and no longer allow the lemons to enter my mouth! I am thinking I should make lemon bars.
I don't know, I must have a
I don't know, I must have a touch of evil....
The photo album really pissed me off. How did your husband react to that?
I would be tempted (discuss with him first if he is supportive he will GET what you are trying to achieve) anyway, I would be tempted to put up a photo wall, get one of those big "family" signs that are so popular at the moment. Put up pics of everyone you can think of who even remotely qualifies as family.... but leave out SD and SS - and make a huge issue of showing her your hard work and asking her how great it looks next time she comes....
Hopefully she will "get" how it hurts to be left out. IF her attitude changes then find space for a pic of her, if not - leave her out permanently.
I don't know, maybe all she would get is a sense of satisfaction in knowing she had gotten to you. But sometimes you just want to react!!
Stay disengaged, take care of yourself and your kids. Keep busy and feel GOOD about your decision not to be the doormat for these brats anymore.
Thank you! My husband was
Thank you! My husband was upset...I told him after she left. I don't want his relationship with her to suffer. I prefer he do nothing of this, her mother is behind it. He is a good man, I think we are all trying to keep peace and make the most of this till they are grown. It sure is a rough rode at times. Thanks for the support.
They are old enough, your
They are old enough, your right! New perspective is good, I lose sight that they have grown up. Thank you.
You poor thing. But consider
You poor thing. But consider this... if their dislike for you has no effect then what will BM have to amuse her bullyish ways?
I found consolation in my craft work when my world with my Ssons felt awful. I started cross stitching again and now I am sewing quilts. I found Pinterest and created a lovely clean peaceful world for myself.
Just know that you are not their mother and are not obligated to do more than make sure they don't kill themselves.
You have not lost or surrendering. You are cleaning the nasty spiders from the corners of your life. You have no need for them. They do not add value to your world or make it a nicer place. So banish them and their nastiness.
Just be prepared for them to try and ruin anything you create. So if you take up a hobby make sure to keep it out of their way. And rise gloriously above them.
If your DH asks you to join them all tell him thank you but you have 'other plans'. It is partially his fault these children are so nasty. But then if his ex has them 80% of the time it is not unexpected.
You know, it has been about 2
You know, it has been about 2 years since there has been any interaction between me and BM....It has quieted down a lot, I just refuse to communicate in any way with her. Disengaged and happier...thats where I am these days. Your right about the ex, she is a very spiteful, nasty, mean-spirited person. I fear she is teaching those vitues to SD and SS. Sad Sad Sad.
Thank you for writing!
aww big hugs back to you and
aww big hugs back to you and thank you! I am relieved. You guys are all so great on here. Thank you for the perspective. I so appreciate it.