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Attempted guilt trip to let stepkids move in

Landi's picture

Backstory: DW has 2 kids from her previous marriage. After getting divorced, she lost her job and her kids went to live with their father. Her ex, their father, has however since met a new girlfriend and has moved in with her. He's got a history of getting women to fund his lifestyle. The new girlfriend also has 2 kids of her own.

We get DW's kids every 2nd weekend. DW has been placing increasing pressure on me to allow her 2 kids to come and live with us. She for example complains that her ex and his new girlfriend only care about the girlfriend's 2 kids, and not about DW's kids. The new girlfriend's daughter especially is a star academic achiever and excels at sports. DW's daughter is overweight and only average academically. So one complaint is that DW's daughter is getting mocked for being fat and dumb by her cleverer, attractive stepsister.

I've been ignoring these not-so-subtle hints, and the one time DW actually said she'd like her kids to come and live with us, I told her that, given her ex's poor record of paying child support, there is just no way I am willing to accept financial responsibility for another guy's kids. Also, we'd have to get a bigger home, because my place is only just big enough for me, her and my own son. This led to prolonged sulking by DW.

The problem is that her ex apparently also suddenly wants DW tot take her kids back. Perhaps the house he shares with his new girlfriend is too full with the 4 kids, who knows? DWs skids told us that her ex has been pressuring them to move out and even told them outright: "Why don't you go and live with your mom?" They're still at primary school, so he's being a real douche, to do this to young kids. And so, according to DW and her kids, her ex has embarked on an alleged campaign of being abusive towards his own biological children. He allegedly joins in when his own daughter is mocked for her weight at home, for example.

Yesterday DW got a call from her son, telling her that the ex had spanked him. The boy has behavioral issues, will say the first thing that gets into his head and throws aggressive tantrums. He swore at her ex because the ex couldn't help him with a school project immediately. So DW went to fetch him yesterday. There are no visible injuries, so the spanking wasn't too severe, but now the boy is apparently too scared to go back home. DW later told me she's worried that her ex would start "abusing" her daughter too.  I'm not too sure disciplining a brat who swears at you is really abuse....

I feel like I'm getting emotionally manipulated to try to make me accept financial and parental responsibilities for somebody else's kids. This was never on the agenda when I married DW, and I did not sign up for this. Should I just tough it out and pretend I'm not receptive to the very unsubtle hints or should I have a straight talking conversation with DW? I'm worried that the latter is going to damage our relationship.

 

decofru's picture

Its a tight situation, DW is a mother and i honestly believe the children are better off living with their mother but on the other hand i understand you not wanting to be a step parent, it has life time challenges and can really strain a marriage, but if you refuse to shelter DW's kids who are being abused then DW may resent you for it and think you are heartless. Would it make a difference to you if DW was working and able to financially support her kids on her own? I feel for DW's kids they feel unwanted and abused by their own father and their mother can't help them because her husband doesnt want them. Isnt there a relative they can live with, like their grandmother or aunts? I understand you not wanting to be financially responsible for another man's children especially if he is alive and well. Clearly you didnt sign up for it. I am a step mom to a nuisance 10 year old kid and i did not sign up for being responsible for him and enduring his crap, being given extra responssibilities that are rightfully another woman's. 

DW should find a job and support her children financially while they stay with her relatives, they are her responsibility and these children will grwo to hate her for letting them live in an abusive home

I don't know what you should do, but i wish you all the best

Landi's picture

Yes you're right. It really is a moral dilemma. Her poor kids are caught in the middle of this, and one has to feel sorry for them. But on the other hand I am worried that if I capitulate and take the responsibility upon myself, I'm going to be the idiot who literally pays the price for the kids that 2 other people brought into this world. This can't be fair towards me and anybody caught in my position, would feel resentful.

StepUltimate's picture

Welcome to StepTalk. We understand. Your gut instinct is correct about this situation. 

Winterglow's picture

If she goes after him for child support, she can have his wages garnished ... 

twoviewpoints's picture

Your wife baffles me. Your last blog told of how your wife will not feed the kids on the EOWE visit. That she expects you to tend to the meals. What I didn't read in the posting however, was why? You never explained why this was. Is there no food in the cupboards for DW to cook? Does she need cash to run to the grocer and purchase fixings for meals when the children are present? Who feeds your wife when her children aren't present? Does she not know how to cook (giving them sandwiches would be better than nothing).... or does she just not want to bother herself?

Now here you are saying about verbal abuse (bullying, taunts, making fun of) the children under their father's care.I'm confused on how dependent your wife is on you to not just sort a meal for the kids, but 100% finance a roof over their heads. You do state the kid's father turns to girlfriends to support himself. Am I to assume neither one of these parent's know how to function and fund themselves? 

So your wife lost her job. Happens to people all the time. Then those people turn right around, find another job and go about their lives and handling their responsibilities. Is your wife working now? 

To be honest, if my children were being mistreated and my husband said they could not come live with me in what is suppose to be my home, I'd have no problems packing my bags, getting my own small place and telling both my ex and you to shove it. Primary school age children can't fend for themselves financially nor should they be subjected to living with people who want nothing to do with them and they are the target of ridicule or treated as a burden.

And no, no where here did I state you should be financially responsible for the children.... but what the H8ll is your wife or these children's father doing for their children? 

I can't help feeling there is more to this story. 

Landi's picture

DW had a good job but lost it a while after she divorced. She was then forced to take up a far lower paying job (1/2 of the previous salary). Her ex husband, true gentleman that he is, paid half of the court ordered child support for exactly 3 months immediately after they got divorced, and then stopped paying entirely. He also deliberately resigned his job so as not to have his salary garnished, after he convinced a stupid woman to have him stay with her for free as her live-in lover. So my DW had to get into debt to just survive and feed her kids. The divorce was not pleasant and her ex did all he could to make her life hell. He eventually got a new job, which did pay better than DWs, but still could not meet the back payments for maintenance, so she was left with no choice but to let her kids go and live with him, because he was better able to support them. It was also some kind of sick victory in his mind, her losing her kids too. She is still struggling to pay off the debt, some of which is to her dad who bailed her out, from that time. The nett result is that she contributes very little financially to my household. The debt should be paid off in about 2 years, but in the meantime the reality is that I will be solely responsible for both my own and my son's upkeep, my wife's, and, if the worst comes to the worst, her 2 kids as well. See above - her ex has a history of refusing to pay child support, and I expect to have huge difficulties again in getting him to pay. So her moving out is not going to fly, because of the debt.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

where do I start with this???

Does your DW pay child support?

How much back support is still owed to her?

Why is she running to "rescue" SS from a spanking for his bad behavior? If she has the audacity to molly coddle SS now, it will be 1000 times worse if he is living in your home. His rude behavior and disrespect for you will be unchecked.

 

Is SD overweight? Instead of crying foul over something that SD said happened, your wife could use her weekends with the kids to teach SD about healthy food choices and help her move ahead academically. Maybe tell your DW to step up her parenting game and slowly work towards a 50/50 schedule?

Landi's picture

Yes DW does pay child support - school fees, extramural stuff and clothing for the 1 child. Which effectively means I'm kind of paying for it, given that she doesn't contribute to the household.

The spanking is *allegedly* part of a sudden pattern of abusive behavior by her ex.

Yes SD is overweight. We do try and minimize junk food and sugar when she's with us, but the ex seemingly doesn't worry too much and sees hamburgers and ice cream as the cornerstone of good nutrition.

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Are you going to have a frank and open discussion about this with her to address the elephant in the room? 

Since these kids are so relatively young, you're going to have many more years to watch them blossom into unbearable jerks from the lack of parenting and unstable living environments from Biodad house hopping. Eventually he will find a sugar mama who says "not my house, send them to their mother". Bam, overnight you have no choice in the matter.

beebeel's picture

If you finance the kids living with you now, you will be expected to finance them for years and years to come. Your wife needs to find a better job, go back to school, and do whatever it takes to be able to fund this herself.

Kids and bitter BM's are extremely adept at playing off any differences in the homes and lying to manipulate things to their advantage. I would be skeptical of any stories pertaining to dad's house coming from any of them.

If they act like that, you also have a critical lack of parenting. I certainly wouldn't want to finance FERAL children living with me. It's bad enough when they can decently behave themselves.

When your wife drops these not-so-subtle hints, I would kindly and calmly ask her what she is doing about her financial situation to make that even remotely possible. Keep putting it on her. She expects you to swoop in and play hero. Do not! If you make it clear that she is the one who will have to make changes and pay for it, my guess is it will never happen. She has had years to fix her money problems and she hasn't because she doesn't want to do for herself if she can get someone else (Her dad, ex, YOU) to pay for it.

mathfed's picture

You're in a tight situation.  I, too, am a stepdad.  I think you need to be very careful here. Your wife, it seems to me, is attempting to rush in and rescue her kids from the situation she thinks they are in.  If your wife is an enabler, she will have difficulty putting her foot down in any way when it comes to her kids.  Her first reaction may very well be to rescue them whenever they create a problem for themselves.  My concern for you, and I was in this boat a bit myself, is what happens if these two kids move in and are complete monsters.  Your wife is trying to rescue her son because he was spanked by his bio-father.  If that son moves in with you, I think she'll also jump in to rescue him from you if you ever feel the need to challenge his bad behavior.  You'll be expected to support everyone financially, have no say in how her kids are behaving, and find yourself miserable in your own home.  I'd be very wary of signing up for that, unless you know these kids very well.  My wife's youngest son lived with us for about a year in total.  In that time, he almost ransacked our marriage, literally ransacked our house, and was horrible to me at every opportunity.  The situation I found myself in was having to choose between confronting my wife about her son and possibly damage my marriage, or get myself out of her son's tornado completely by ending my marriage.  I confronted my wife.  Things were rocky for a bit, but have settled down now.  I support her relationship with her son, but it happens somewhere else.  Our marriage is much better now.  I am completely disengaged from her son, and refuse to get pulled back into his chaos.  Listen to your gut.  If it's screaming at you, there's a reason for that.     

Maria10's picture

Abuse is not occurring. The ex has finally grown some balls and is disciplining his children. ( have you asked Sd what exactly is being said? There is a difference in between calling her fatty boom boom and telling her that she is overweight and offering solutions. ). It sounds to me like DW is in some denial here and thinks that kids do not need rules or boundaries....don't know but have hunch...

Parental rules and consequences have to occur in BOTH houses. If you want peace work with your wife in establishing rules both your child and her children have to follow. Also HELL NO to the skids having their friend over EVERY weekend. I assume you pick them up(?) Drop the 3rd wheel off at their house on tje way to yours. From now on all kids have to ask 'can we bring so and so over...?'

Financially your marriage was effed when DW lost her job.( skids aside you plly did not sign up to be sole breadwinner ..)  She needs to be looking for a new job. No questions asked. SHE made the kids she supports them period( same goes for the ex who plly does not need the money now that he has a sugar momma.). Also part of being an adult is supporting yourself if she cannot even do that then is she just a child...? Will she be crying abuse when you discipline her brats? 

IMO: Whereas I do not think under present circumstances you are out of line in not wanting her kids to move in; I do think that to expect everything to stay the same as before you got married is a bit foolish. If you manage to change some of the present circumstances (DW gets a job, miraculously the ex pays child support consistently etc.) Then you can consider having the skids half time with rules....ease into it!