You are here

Are we required to pay more than what was ordered in child support?

C J Baughn's picture

My husband has two children from a previous relationship (unmarried). He pays child support according to the court ordered custody agreement. He is not behind and is very involved with his children. The mother, however, seems to think that he is not only obligated to pay child support but to also pay half of any other expenses incurred; i.e. baseball fees, school supplies, preschool fees. I currently watch the children for free while she is at work. She recently asked if we could meet her half way on his days off on his non visitation days to save her money and travel time. I am pretty sure a day care would not meet her half way. When I added up her take home pay plus child support, she actually brings home more cash than he does. Yet she hits us up for money all the time. She is living with a man who works at the same place my husband does so her household income is twice ours. So my question is this... is my husband required to pay for half of every expense she incurs outside of the child support he pays?

C J Baughn's picture

oh I know we don't count her boyfriend's income but her constaint complaining that she doesn't have enough to take care of the kids when they have more than we do is annoying. Her boyfreind has a child whom he spent no time with until she moved in and I'm pretty sure he does NOT pay half of everything outside of the child support.

briarmommy's picture

Unless it is in the CO that he pay half of all fees, etc...... he doesn't have to pay. Simple thing to do, if its not in the CO don't give it to her just say no. Pull out the CO and show that he doesn't have to. Child support if for supplies and care of the child thats why she gets it. As for activities who ever puts the kid in them should pay, who ever puts the kid in daycare should pay. If you put him in daycare during your time you wouldn't ask her to pay half would you? No, then don't give her half. If you chose to put the kids in an art class would you ask her for half? No, then don't give half.

C J Baughn's picture

His biggest problem is telling her no. He doesn't want to seem like he doesn't want to take care of his kids. But we can not afford to keep paying more. He's afraid she will make it difficult. She can be immature. When they split and she took him to court two years ago, he was trying to save his family so he pretty much agreed to whatever she said. Since then she's told me she wants to take him back to court. I really hope she does lol. He will NOT be giving in again. I'm trying to convince him that he needs to stop worrying about HER happiness over OURS. He wants to have a child and I'm not really sure I'm willing to until we get this resolved. I've put my career on hold to care for the 2yr old for them. Now would be the time to have a baby but I'm not competing with her when it comes to the needs of my child!

C J Baughn's picture

My husband asked me to watch the children. Before recently, his mother (who is 72) took care of them for free but she's very ill and not able to any more. He does not want the youngest (2yrs old) to go to daycare or anyone he doesn't know and I agreed with that. I also would love to be pregnant by the end of the year so it made sense for me to stay home (I'm off during summers as I teach special needs preschool) this year with the baby. I've put off getting pregnant until I can adjust to dealing with unreasonable and irrational behavior from both parents. I don't mind him paying for things when we can. He loves his kids and I would never deny them anything but she just keeps expecting more and more and more. At some point he has to be able to say, "I'm not a bank". I'm about to crack from it all. I know I have zero say and zero rights but I'm just so sick of the lack of consideration! Thanks for you're words though. I appriciate them much.

C J Baughn's picture

WOW she's more concerned about her "paycheck" then the happiness of the children? that's just so wrong. I'm not saying that kids should switch houses when things arn't going their way (my DS16 tries that from time to time)but if the only reason she's keeping them is because she wont recieve child support? that's insane!!

Jsmom's picture

He pays the CS and that is it. She is supposed to take it from there. But these BM's will always try and get more. It is up to the DH's not to give in.

C J Baughn's picture

that is certainly how I feel about it too. He even agreed that she does it because he always says yes. She recently took the oldest to get supplies for Kindergarten and spent $100 and expects us to pay half of that plus half the school fees and book rental. We would not have spent $100 on school supplies so I don't think she should be allowed to go on a shopping spree because someone else is going to pay half.

Jsmom's picture

Completely agree. This is on DH. They will spend freely as long as they know that they can get DH to pay for it. Did she give him receipts?

C J Baughn's picture

but how does he put his foot down without damaging the working relationship and causing more trouble? I'm afraid that if he starts to tell her no, she will somehow take it out on him via his relationship with his children. So do we just keep hemoraging money to keep the peace or do we rock the boat and hope she shows unchararistic maturity?

C J Baughn's picture

I feel like I've done nothing but complain. That really isn't my intention. I am VERY lucky to have the faimly dynamic that I have. My children LOVE their step father and treat him better than their own father at times (I do discourage that behavior though). My 15 yr old daughter calls my husband Daddy and her BD dad. And I am so blessed to have two absoulutely wonderful step daughters that love me and my kids whole heartedly. My five year old SD corrects me when I call my daughter her step sister and says 'sister is good enough we don't need a step' lol We have a very happy home and for the most part it works. We actually spend more time with the kids than mom does. So I feel a little guilty complaining about this when I've read that some people on this site have such a horrible experience. BM really doesn't TRY to annoy us. I think she really thinks she's entitled to the money. But the sistuation has been keeping me up at night wondering if I should bring a baby into this. And I'm not sure how to approach the topic with my husband without sounding like a complaining harpie lol. I've snapped off more than once about it but that really just shuts communication down. Any suggestions on how to bridge that converstation without sounding like the "bitch"?

Jsmom's picture

Here is what I would do. Tell him you are separating all of your money. No more co-mingling since he is still attached to his ex and you do not want your money to fund this. If you threaten be prepared to back it up. He may see that you are not kidding and start to say no to BM. Honestly, I would not have mixed funds to begin with, but if you have that is where all your power is.

cat72196's picture

I agree; as far as I know, in my state, the only "50/50" outside of child support is medical care expenses and childcare. Everything else is INCLUDED in the child support. My boyfriend's ex used to do the same sort of thing... hit him up for money for school clothes, tell him he needed to take the kids shopping for new shoes, etc. He put his foot down from the get-go and told her to her face that he was NOT doing those things or giving her extra money for them, because that's WHAT THE CS IS FOR. She quit doing it, but in my experience, if it's not one thing, it's another w/money-hungry beyatches like this. Blum 3

C J Baughn's picture

When they first split up, he was desperate to save his family so he would do whatever she asked and in return she would spend the weekend with him while her boyfriend was at work and such. A precedent was set where if she askes nicely she expects him to comply. I really think she thinks this is NORMAL. And maybe it is...How would I know otherwise. He admits that it has to stop, but we are both at a loss as to how to go about it. I really appriciate everyone helping me to understand all this! you guys are great!

cat72196's picture

If he's really that timid about just bringing it up to her ("Listen, I am more than happy to provide for our kids, but I'm also supporting a new family now, and I can't really afford to continue giving you extra beyond the CS") then how about this: can he discuss w/his attorney about possibly having the custody/CS reviewed and get a more SPECIFIC documentation of what IS and is NOT included in the CS payment? I don't think he should necessarily go behind BM's back like that, but if he had something more OFFICIAL to back him up when he broaches the subject w/her, maybe it would help...?

C J Baughn's picture

ha! he didn't even have an lawyer when they established CO. He was very compliant because she had left him about 17 times before and he had learned that if he played nice she would come back. But counter to that plan she had a boyfriend with a better house and a "party boy" attitude so she didn't come back. I've suggested getting a lawyer but with what he's been giving her we cant afford one lol. She keeps saying she's going to take him back to court, we will certainly get a lawyer then even if I have to sell blood to get one! But that certainly is a good idea and I will consider it intensly! thanks!

hopefulSM's picture

NO. He does not HAVE to pay for anything other than what is CO. BUT he can and probably will. This can be a very tricky thing to get away from if this is something that BM is accustom to him doing. And when he starts to say no - you’re going to be blamed for it. Because everything was perfect for her until YOU came along. And if you have a baby and THEN DH starts to tell BM no, then he will be choosing his "new family" over the one he already had. I hear it ALL the time.

I strongly suggest that you do not sit and chit chat with BM. Keep conversation pleasant and simple and SHORT - if you have to have any conversation at all. I do not talk to our BM at all. In fact the last time I talked to her was the summer of 2009 and that was for about 5 minutes when she stopped to pick up SD and DH wasn't home. I do not answer the door or the phone for her.

Next thing is that any extra money, other than what is taken directly from his checks, would be for medical/dental expenses and daycare. Seems that you are providing the daycare. I personally would NOT do that. It will just snowball it to her taking advantage of you more and more. And you being resentful. Seems it already has. She wants to meet you part way so you can take her kids and watch them for free? I really hope DH said NO to this.

My DH was not married to SD's BM either. I cover the medical/dental insurance for SD at 100%. DH doesn't even get a deduction in CS for covering her. He then has to pay 70% of what insurance does not cover because he makes so much more than BM. We have no daycare costs now. But if we did he would NOT have to pay half - he would pay less because they take into account that BM gets to claim that on her taxes and gets a credit.

So YES, it might be worth going into court to get it readjusted. If you google "child support calculator" along with your state name you can input the information and get a rough idea of what would be ordered.

It might even help to find out how much home daycares charge in your area so that you can show just how much you are saving BM. Or you can simple give her a bill for half and if she doesn’t' like she can find something else. It's truly NOT your problem. DO NOT start jumping through hoops for BM or you will do it FOREVER and everything you do will not only not be appreciated and will be taken advantage it will not even be recognized because as soon as you don't or can't do something that will be the only thing that will ever be talked about. At least that is my personal experience.

Just wait, pretty soon BM will be coming to pick up skids late because she had other things to do. She will call and won't be able to come get them because of this and that and needs you to drop them off. Or she has something going on and it will be late when she gets home so they should just stay with you for the night.

And what happens if YOU need a day off - you have a doctor’s appt (you'll have a TON if you get pregnant), or you get sick, or need dental work, or whatever else you may need. Then who will be watching the skids? Will BM take off work - use her sick time or personal time like she would HAVE to do if she had a daycare watching them? I really doubt it - doesn't happen for me and I DO work and BM has FULL custody of SD and she never wants to use her time off work to deal with SD.

Be careful with this situation, you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of and it's VERY hard to change the pattern after you have established it.

C J Baughn's picture

I am greatful for your advice. I usually don't have "personal" conversation with BM. Just the basics of what is going on with the kids (sick, naps, injuries ect.)When is comes to the care of the children I am actually very happy to do it. It saves us money in the long run because she would insist he pay half of the most expensive daycare she could fine thinking that made it the best and I do have a degree in "babysitting" lol. I would prefer my step kids be with me than anyone else (I adore them most intensly), however I am not going to actually PAY her for the privelage (i.e. driving them to her). I think that is unreasonable however my husband did tell her he would "talk to" me about it! UGH! I really wish he wouldn't tell her that I am the deciding factor in that stuff! My husband works a crazy swing shift so he is home with the kids more than I am actually and as for my appointment and such they would be scheduled around his 15 days off as month. There is NO WAY she would let us keep the children over night, as that would totally mess up her child support. We wanted to take the kids out of town for three nights and she was fine with 2 but not three as she would "miss them too much". She's not stupid lol I would personally like to see some sort of joint custody. Not for a reduction in child support but so the "owner" mentality would end.
I will take you're advice under consideration. These were all good points. Thanks so much.

hopefulSM's picture

Thing is that he does not HAVE to pay half of the most expensive daycare unless it is CO. And you can simply go into court and show the court there are other reasonable daycare's in the area. It's great if you want to watch them and can, but please be advised that this can start giving the BM a lot of power to take advantage and abuse your generosity. Make sure you have boundaries established, just like any home daycare would.

My DH also says "I'll talk to SM about it". And YES, I hate that too! I said to him since when am I the deciding factor, I thought I had no say in this situation with SD.

You need to sit down with Dh and say if I'm watching the kids we need to have boundaries established from the beginning. Such as, the kids need to be picked up by X time unless you are given 24 hour advance notice she will be later. That she needs to drop them off and pick them up each day. What will happen if they are sick - do you want them? Will you run "errand" for her. Will she say "oh, they have a doctors appt you need to bring them too." Will you be willing to do that? Will you then have to cover the copay? Will she give you a list of school supplies and tell you to take them to go get them since you don’t' work? Will she get to dictate your day with them and what you do?

If and when you do get pregnant, then sit down and talk about this again. If the kids get sick do you want them around the new baby? Do you want to be taking care of a newborn and sick kids? Do you want to be running errands for the kids and hauling a newborn baby and being incredible sleep deprived because BM says so?

Seriously, think of it as a business arrangement. I would even call a daycare and ask for a handbook just to see what they all cover and how they handle things and what you should address with BM. As on this site if others watch there skids while BM is at work and what issue they may have.

Once custody is established it is EXTREMELY hard to change it even just to joint. We have tried unsuccessfully for years - even though BM willing gives us her half the time. We even went in to court last year with a schedule of all the times we had SD (very detailed schedule) and we had her more than BM, but still didn't get joint custody. Like I said DH and BM were never married and here, if you were never married the BM pretty much automatically gets full custody.

maldita's picture

Just wanted to add, if your DH continues to be the guilty daddy, please make sure to get a copy of any receipt or statement for let's say, $100 school supplies! We did this to our BM and was surprised that she finally stopped "billing" us for silly expenses LOL. Doesn't matter how small the amount, get a receipt!

C J Baughn's picture

I have actually suggested that to my husband. I've told him that we need to be keeping better record of what he gives her and such in case she actually does take us to court ( which I don't think that will happen because she's got to understand we will NOT be giving in to her whims this time around)
I will bring this back up again with my husband though. Thanks for the advice.

hopefulSM's picture

“but how does he put his foot down without damaging the working relationship and causing more trouble?”

This is not a "working" relationship. This is a dictatorship and your DH is abiding and doing what he is told to do to keep the ex happy.

Of course it will seem like things are working and great as long as she is happy and you get to see the kids. But do you really have to sacrifice your own happiness. Do you really have to let another women dictate your home, your lives, your plans?

Our BM had so much control over our home, she dictated our vacation times, our holidays, even my MATERNITY leave. It nearly lead to divorce, until both DH and I decided it was enough and we needed to focus on US and our home and cut BM OUT!!!

Our BM also feels she is entitled to DH's money. She refuses to spend on SD. In fact, she told SD the other day that if she needed sunscreen to get it from us next time she was with us because she had no money. For SUNSCREEN!

BM had original been given about $250 a month for childcare. When they split SD was 3 and in a child care center. After the order BM promptly removed SD, had family watch her for free. DH continued to pay it each month. When SD started school and we had her whenever BM worked and SD didn't have school we petition the court to have it removed because BM refused to just remove it. Boy did we pay for that. She was a total raging BI****!!! And yes, she took things out on SD and used her like a pawn to get back at us. They did remove the amount and BM got her hand slapped by the judge for taking the money all those years and never having any childcare costs. After it was removed she actually stated "I don't know why *I* have to now pay HIM $250 each month." She literally thought that money was HERS to do as she pleased. And thought now she was giving it to him, not that he was now just keeping that portion of his check.

C J Baughn's picture

That's excatly how mom thinks! This is HER money. He OWES it to her. As if he has to pay her for the rent of her womb or something. She rambles on about how she cant afford anything but takes three months off of work. She does spend on the kids but it's rediculous stuff. She spent $50 on a pair of light up shoes for a 2 year old and a 5 year old. The shoes lasted 2 months for the five year old, and when they tore up, she bought her ANOTHER PAIR and asked if my husband would pay for half! are you kidding?? My kids are teens and they are just now getting shoes that cost more then $25 a pair lol and they pay for them, not me! She's really bad with money so she thinks we need to pick up the slack so she can buy silly stuff for her girls out of our pocket. I'm all for silly stuff, if YOU can afford it...

I tell my husband that I love how he treats my kids like his own and there really isn't any friction among the kids, but I worry that will change if we have a child together. I have a feeling Mom will use that by saying stuff like " we would go to subway for dinner but since your dad has aother baby he cant pay for you so we cant go". These kids love me but I have a feeling she will break that down if I have a baby. Make them feel we are picking a new baby over them. I don't have any reason to think that, just a feeling... or maybe paranoid lol

I appriciate you taking time to talk to me about this.

cat72196's picture

CJ, my boyfriend & his ex had NO childcare arrangements for their daughter when school ended this year b/c BM was waiting for gov't assistance to approve day camp. Well, the "backup plan" if you wanna call it that was leaving the girl home w/BM's worthless father, where she could run around the neighborhood all day unsupervised. I said to BF, "Here's an idea, how about YOU GUYS PAY for day camp????" I mean really, it worked out to about $600 apiece for 8 weeks of all-day care. He actually brought up the idea w/her, surprisingly, and she said she didn't know if she could afford it, she'd "have to look at her bills." *EYEROLL* Well, thank GOD the gov't assistance kicked in, b/c that conversation never went any farther... then the bitch bought a new car, I kid you not, THREE DAYS LATER.

Where are these so-called MOTHERS' priorities that they can't operate in the best interest of the CHILDREN instead of trying to make a buck off the baby daddy? Dang!

hopefulSM's picture

Our BM insisted on having SD10 this summer. We have had her for the past 5 summers. BM thought she could get more money out of DH. It didn't work - no more money was ordered. We paid BM CS when SD lived with us the past 5 summers and she didn't help with one thing while we had SD. We paid for EVERYTHING - including camps, activities, and any other child care.

So now BM has her. She tried to get DH to give her a $100 a week. He said no. Then she tried for $50 a week. He said if she wanted money out of him, she would have to take him to court. That she didn't help us out at all when we had SD over the summer. DH didn't even get to keep the money he paid HER. He tried to petition the court to keep the CS he paid over the summer and they said no - BM considers this as DH tried to get HER to pay HIM - but NO he just wanted to keep HIS money didn't want hers. She is so STUPID.

So now SD sits home alone each and every day. Everytime I check Facebook at work, she is logged on. She texts me EVERYDAY to see what me and my girls are doing.

And yes, our BM also just bought a brand new car - like the first miles on the car came from her driving it off the lot. But she can't afford to arrange or do anything for SD all summer. In fact, her cousin asked her to go to the pool and she told BM she needed sunscreen and BM told her she had no money to get some from US.

But SD still thinks she walks on water and is the BEST mom ever. MAKES ME WHAT TO PUKE!!!

C J Baughn's picture

was she totally without a car prior to buying the new one? WOW that seems sort of along the lines of what we deal with. She can't afford gas to work and has to file bankrupt but then pulls into our drive in a new(er) dodge charger. She says it's the boyfriends but if things are sooo bad that we have to pay for half of everything, why did he buy a new SMALLER car instead of helping his live in girlfriend with GAS money for work? She has a car ( still in my husbands name mind you)and he has an SUV so they really didn't need a new one. She told my husband that child care for while she was at work was going to cost US $200 a week. And we'd still have to pay it when we have the children 10 week-days a month (days only)so basicly we'd be paying $800 a month in child care on top of the child support for 10 days a month (that's 80 dollars a day for HALF of child care)!!!!

I am just boggled at the stupidity of some people. Everyone's stories on here are just mind blowing!

hopefulSM's picture

$200 a week for childcare for your HALF? I have two BABIES and that is how much my total bill is for a week. I think your being had. Start demanding to see a bill for these crazy expenses. If she wants to get money for child care costs she needs to go into court and ask for it and prove her costs and have the court determine what DH is responsible for. She does not get to determine what he is responsible for. And I have a very good idea that he would not be responsible for what she is demanding and it would be substantially less!

cat72196's picture

No, she had a car. But she got a bigger, newer one. To add insult to injury, it's the same exact car I've been wanting for 2 years. Ya know, the one I'm gonna SAVE UP for so I can AFFORD it when I buy it? Meanwhile, I'm driving my 7-y.o. minivan into the ground. And how about this-- the same day she bought that, her POS boyfriend got a new car, too. Meanwhile, the two of them live rent-free in a house owned by her dad. Food stamps, check; free medical, check; free childcare, check. So what is CS going towards? You got it... shopping for BM.

Also CJ, similar to what we were talking about before, my boyfriend started paying CS before it was even court-ordered and BASICALLY just came up w/a (very generous) figure on his own, based on whatever research he did/each of their incomes, etc. That figure did not change when they went for the the custody agreement/CS order. Meanwhile, they've been back to have the custody reevaluated THREE TIMES, each of the first two times boyfriend got 2 more overnights a month... did the CS change THEN? Nope. All the while, BM quit her job (which would have been her earnings the original CS order was based on,) and took one that pays SUBSTANTIALLY less, and it seems like she is constantly cutting back on her hours. When the day camp thing came up, she told boyfriend she's only pulling in $800/month. WTF???? She's doing it on purpose so that her CS doesn't go down if/when he gets more custody!!!! I know I'm not crazy, she's doing it on purpose, LOL.

C J Baughn's picture

HOly HECK!! that woman is NUTS!! How in the world does someone on food stamps and $800 a month income get a new/used car?? that just seems unfair if nothing else lol she seriously would rather keep CS where it is than have a better job and more income? I'd be concerned for her mental stability LOL you poor girl!!

cat72196's picture

I think the better question is, what fool-ass car dealership gave this woman a loan!? LOL, sheesh...

C J Baughn's picture

yeah no kidding right?? lol Do you think they take food stamps?? lol. wow you have it worse my dear, you have my sympathy! what a work of art your BM is, makes me feel bad about complaining about mine lol ( well just a little)

hopefulSM's picture

It is NOT your DH's responsibility to pick up BM's slack and lack of ability to budget her money. The CS he gives her is to cover expenses that SHE incurs for having custody of the kids. She does get to decide how to spend it and what to spend it one, but she cannot then call up DH and demand that he contribute to half of all the expenses that she incurs for having the kids - that is the purpose of her getting the CS checks. And believe me she KNOWS it, because she has to know someone out there that is getting CS and that is it and does not get the extra's and she knows she is playing him. She is being manipulative and playing DH.

I agree. I am all for providing for SD. I also have DD12 and DD8 from previous relationships (both different dad's). DD12 I had in high school and her father is uninvolved and didn't pay CS for many years and has never paid anything consistently to this day. DD8 BD does pay consistent CS and is involved. I figure that what we get in for DD8 basically covers what we pay out for SD in CS. So basically we support all 5 children we have (DH and I have two together) on our incomes. I don't have a ONE problem paying for what SD needs or getting her things that I think she should be able to get because my girls get them - just because she has a lazy worthless BM does not mean she should miss out on things - like a new backpack, new shoes, camp, being able to participate in a sport, a birthday party. YES, the only reason SD gets those things is because WE provide them. BM KNOWS she doesn’t' have to do a damn thing and we will do it. She is manipulative that way and extremely lazy.

Your BM is manipulative a different way. She over spends on the kids and spends frivolously and then plays on DH that he HAS to help HER out and provide for them. This is what I would do to start to "fix" this issue. I would tell DH that you are MORE than happy to provide for the skids and thinks it's wonderful that he is such a caring and giving man, but you feel that BM is taking advantage of it and fear what it will lead to in the future and will create problems especially if you have kids together (which it WILL). Tell him that if the kids need something to have BM TELL DH what they need and that the TWO of you will get it for the skids. You will NOT be just handing over money that she demands. That she cannot just go out and buy buy buy and expect DH to make up the difference. She basically still has a hand in his pocket book and is determining how not only CS is being spent, but his ENTIRE income. WAY TO MUCH POWER for an ex to have in your finances!

So he needs to tell her, I will not be giving you cash for extra's, if the girls need something let me know and we will get it for them. So if she says Skid 1 and skid 2 needs shoes for school and they need new backpacks. Then he can compromise with her and say I'll get skid 1 the shoes and skid 2 the backpack (or whatever) and you get the other. Then he can also slowly get her to not be so dependent on him to fix her finances and she won't be able to just spend freely. It will slowly start to teach herself to budget and determine what can actually be afforded.

This might also be something DH might be more willing to do than just simple cut BM off and look like the bad guy to the skids. This will also show the skids just how much DH does do for them and pays for them. My SD10 just recently found out that DH pays BM CS each month. She couldn't believe that DH gives BM hundreds of dollars EACH month, but still tells her she has no money and then the fact that we buy her all the stuff we do and we provide all the stuff in our home for her that we do. She has start to ask some serious questions to BM about her spending and how she can afford certain things (like alcohol and cigarettes) and not others (like SUNSCREEN - sorry, I still can't get over that one).

C J Baughn's picture

That is EXACTLY what I told him! When my SD5 started preschool, we bought all her supplies and her backpack. I also took her shopping for clothes and such because she would be going to school from our house a few days a month. She sent him a text last Thrusday asking him to pay for HALF of SD school supplies and he agreed without thinking. When he told me later that night I said we will take her shopping if she wants and pay for it all but we will NOT be handing her cash. Then I drop off the kids after having them for the weekend (she took the SD shopping on Thursday night)and she tells me to tell my husband he owes her $56 for the school suppiles and that the fees and book rental are going to be another $50 and she would like to have the cash before her first day of school. I about died! The NERVE!! and the school she's attending provides MOST of the school suppiles. I have the list of what was needed! its about $30 worth of stuff (she doesn't even brush her hair every morning and she bought her a Hello Kitty lunch box... like she's going to pack her lunch?????riiiight)!!! My 15 year old daughter is in high school and her supplies wont even cost me $100! SO... when I got home (I had about 20 minutes of drive time to calm down and beat my steering wheel instead of my husband)I informed him of his "bill" and told him that he was NOT giving that to her. Half of the fees and book rental I can live with, and $15 for supplies I can MAYBE consider but she's out of her mind on the rest! I want my husband to be happy and I want him to support his kids but we are on a tight budget and we just dont have $100 on top of the CS to give this woman!! We actually provide EVERYTHING for them (two meals a day and everything they need for daily life) Monday-Friday every week. Then he has them for two nights for the first two weekends and one night a week the next two weeks. So basicly we have them MORE awake hours and provide more for their care and living than she does! UGH sorry I'm just so frustrated lol

wow sunblock costs like $8. we have an inground pool so we go through a LOT of sunblock here lol. It's the small stuff like that, that's just the most annoying isn't it? And I hear you on the beer and smokes thing! we don't smoke and RARELY do we drink, yet mom smokes in the car with them and posts on fb all the time that she's having a "few cold ones" when she's got the kids and has to work in the morning. But she can't afford gas to work? really? Maybe your BM and mine are related LOL

Rags's picture

CS typically includes the NCPs total legal child related support obligations. This includes extra curricular activities, child care, clothing, school supplies, band instruments, insurance premium participation, co-pay participation, etc.... We learned this hte hard way when we requested that the court require the NCP SpermIdiot to split the cost of band instruments and other extra curricular costs with us.

No problem. We also requested a comprehensive support order review which trippled his CS obligation so having the costs of extracurriculars excluded was no big deal.

Anything beyond CS that the NCP chooses to provide is completelny discretionary. If if it is not in the Custody/Visitation/Support order, it is not required of either side in the blended family equation.

In our case $50/mo of the SpermIdiots CS obligation for my SS was childcare until age 12. When our son turned 12 SpermIdiot, as well as my wife, could have filed to lower CS but we learned him long ago (wording is a joke BTW) that any attempt to limit his obligation to our son would be met with a CS review and invariably his CS would increase. Each time he attempted to get his CS obligation to my son lowered whether he lost his job, added yet another OOWL spawn (he has 4 by 3 different BMs, my SS is his oldest), or any other idiot manipulation he attempted his CS went up.

Most COs also stipulate a transportation division. In our case each party is responsible to get the child to the adult's location. My SS's SpermClan are responsible for the travel costs to get SS to their location for visitation and my wife (and I) are responsible to get him home following visitation. Though this is specifically stipulated in our CO it is also a requirement under the Supplementary Local Rules of the State and County Circuit Court where my SS's Custody/Visitatio/Support CO is resident.

The Court Order (CO) or Family Court Judgement are your best tool for understanding, controlling and enforcing your rights (you and your DH's) in your blended family situation.

I recommend that you keep a copy of the latest CO in your home office and your DH keep a copy at his work office. I also recommend that you get copies of any state and local guidelines or rules that govern Custody/Visitation/Support and keep a copy of those next to the copies of your CO.

This way you will know exactly what your DH is obligated to provide as far as your SKid(s)is/are concerned and you both will know exactly how to respond to any stupid or manipulative requests from BM.

Apparently you are the NCP household in your blended family situation as far as your SKid(s) is concerned. Regardless of whether you are the CP household of the NCP household my advice for learning, knowing, living, loving and applying the CO and supplemental rules and regs holds.

The CO and supplements allow the side with the most thorough knowledge of the docs to exert a high level of control over the blended family opposition. Better you to have that knowledge and control than BM in you situation.

Good luck and best regards,

C J Baughn's picture

That was very insightful and I appreciate the effort to give such a in depth response.

I was under the impression, until recently, that there was some sort of court order for him to pay half of whatever child care (preschool) she enrolled our SD5 into, as well as any other costs she deemed necessary. He has never shown me his CO and I just took his word as law because I've never had to deal with anything even remotely like this. My divorce was amicable and my children teens. XH is CP for my BS16 and BS14 and I am CP of my BD15. There is no support for either parent and child care is not an issue. The children decide when to visit and that works for us. My XH has never asked for a dime and, on the rare occasion when I have asked for something for our BD, he's been capable of telling me yes or no without fear of "rocking the boat". During a recent discussion about the events that caused me to "flip out", my husband informs me that he's not even sure if there is said agreement as he has never had a copy of his CO! (insert freak out here). I will be rectifying that this week mind you lol. I am currently trying to form a conversation with my husband about the situation without being the "cold hearted bitch". I want what's best for ALL the kids (past, present, and future) and I need his support and understanding, not a fight to the death in a battle I can not win. I will certainly make sure we have a copy of the CO and will certainly pick it over with a fine toothed comb. I may contact a lawyer by the end of this week as well. Am I making a bigger deal out of this then it should be? I know adjustments must be made and compromises forged. And from some of what I've read on here, I am a very lucky step mom. I am thankful for all the wisdom I've received today. I'm just still a little worried about how all this will play out if I assert my position.

porkchop's picture

The ONLY thing he is required to pay is what was ordered by the court...there have been cases where child support was ordered as well as keeping insurance on the kids, plus a split of the expences...but unless that was specified in court, then all that he has to pay is the child support.