Are CS arrangements my business?
When I first met DH 3 years ago we didn't talk too much about money. I don't know how much he makes, he doesn't know how much I make, I don't know anything about he and BM's child support arrangements. It's not a secret, it's just not important to me. I have money to do what I need to do and so does he. The other day when I was dusting his computer desk I moved some papers, and one of them was a check, from BM, to DH. It was a pretty large check, and in the memo section it said April. Now I don't know what this was for, and I don't really care, but I am a little curious.
DH has full custody of SD7, so maybe it's a support check? And whatever it is where is it going? He is definatly not spending it on SD7! She still wears clothes from a year ago! And most of what she has comes from BM's house. And what if that's not what it is for?! Is he doing something for her, like taxes, (which he's done in the past), or computer work, (which he's done in the past), or did he pay her bills in the past for some reason and now she's paying him back?
So I guess my question is how do I ask him about it since we've never talked about these things before. I wasn't really snooping, so I guess I could just say "Hey, what is the check from BM for?" but I'm not sure it's any of my business.
Id just come out and ask him.
Id just come out and ask him.
I'm guessing that you guys
I'm guessing that you guys keep your finances completely seperate? Do you have a pre-nup? If not, you really need to talk about finances and at the very least know how much each other makes, what assets/liabilities each have and discuss things like insurance policies/retirement accounts, etc. Of course, I think even with a prenup you should have this info, but it's even more critical if you and your assets were not protected by a prenup prior to marriage.
How long have you been married? Do you file taxes jointly or separately? If you file jointly, his income should be listed although cs he receives would not be as it is not taxable (at least not in WI). If you're filing jointly and haven't seen or don't have access to a copy of the return, I would demand to see one.
CS and what's being spent on the kid aside, you need to make sure you understand what you might be held responsible for down the road, and should really be on the same page as far as saving, retirement goals etc.
And I might be wrong, but
And I might be wrong, but doesn't a prenup only protect what was prior to the marriage? If he's cheating on taxes, acquiring debt, etc after they got married, couldn't she be responsible for it? My big concern is the tax issue - if they file jointly she would have seen his income (theoretically) on the return. If she didn't see a copy and he's cheating, the IRS will fight much harder than a regular creditor to get what they're owed from either spouse.
I have to say that I feel
I have to say that I feel like I should shake you. You have been with him for three years. Yes I understand in keeping money/bills separate. HOWEVER if you are married/going to marry this man you have a RIGHT to know about his spending, just like he has a RIGHT to know about yours. I did a back ground check on my FDH before our first official date, I met him in the military, and I helped him cope with the divorce while he was deployed, but I wanted to make sure the divorce was final, and that he didn’t have a bad history. You should do the same. You need to talk to him. If the Child's needs aren’t being met then maybe you could offer some kind of assistance with managing his money better. He isn’t a single guy, he has responsibilities and he has to face them. Talking to you is one, and talking care of his child is the other. Just like you need to communicate with him.
I understand money not being
I understand money not being a big issue in your house, however I think that you should discuss this. Along with other financial things. Keeping bills separate is all well and good, but how much is your husband putting away for retirement compared to you? What are your long term goals and financial plans? These are serious talks that need to be had. Keeping those accounts separate is fine but working toward a common goal is essential.
As for the check, find out why it's there. If he is loaning BM $, you should know. If it is for CS you should bring up the fact that SD is wearing old clothes that could use a boost with that check. Maybe there is something else that money goes to... I don't know.
My FHD and I keep it all separate now and will continue to do so. Both of our first marriages put us in financial ruin that has taken a long time to climb back out of and we have learned money lessons the hard way. With that being said, We both know where the money we spend goes. We have a common plan and goals that we are working to reach, together. Money and financial is important, there is no way of escaping the importance of your future security.
I'm going through issues
I'm going through issues right now about money secrets.. I applaud your self reliance and independence, but you have to know that anything he/she does effects you. You need to know the basics of what's going on.. Unless its illegal.. then you really don't want to know.
My second wife and I have
My second wife and I have kept seperate our money for some 30 years now. She pays this bill I pay that one according to a ratio based on income which has remained the same since we retired.
You can ask him but he'll wonder why so curious now? Of course you saw the check but don't expect him to be happy about this sudden light being shown on his finances.
Likely as not he's leary of having to share his savings when a second divorce comes along.
It depends on what your
It depends on what your agreements are...
Do you split things 50/50? If so, that's really not fair especially since he could be receiving money for the kid's bills and you are paying 1/2 and he's pocketing the rest
PS - by the way, your DH sounds just like many BMs, not ALL, that their CS is for them and the new partner is expected to still pay 1/2 of stuff and that money is not really used for the kids...
If you didn't care before,
If you didn't care before, why care now? The real issue here is that you notice the child's needs might not be getting met. Why not ask him to give you some money to take her shopping for some essentials? That might open a can of worms and give you the answers to your questions. And if he just hands you money, the child is provided for. Either way, problem solved.
That said, *I* would not be okay in this situation. I would at least like to know what I'm dealing with...
He is your husband. Ask him.
He is your husband. Ask him. Don't accuse him. Just ask.
His reaction will be very telling.
my.kids.mom you are exactally
my.kids.mom you are exactally right! I will do just that, ask him for the money to get her spruced up for the summer and next fall when school starts back up I'll do the same thing. I know he won't even bat an eye to give it to me.
We split all bills 50/50 and this will be the first year we file joint taxes, since this is the first year we've been married. I don't want the money, it's not for me. But if it is CS then it should be spend on SD7 or saved for her education. And maybe it is!! That's what I would assume anyway but you know what happens when you assume...
And yes we should have had this conversation before I guess, but we didn't. We do need to have long term financial goals and plans and in order to plan we need to have honest conversations about things like finances. I guess I was just concerned about CS because IMHO it really has nothing to do with me, unless he is paying her and can't afford it, or if he's paying her so much that it effects our lives. I will def. put this topic on my schedule for this weekend!